and the time turns around through the walls that surround, to the chimes of a jailors song 

once more again with the sleeping woes saga... i had the worst case of insomnia early friday morning. normally if i have a sunrise shift at work (any shift that starts between 6am and 8am), i do my best to get to sleep early enough in the night that i’ll at least wake up feeling somewhat rested, but let’s be honest.

usually i don’t go to bed until about 2am. period. every day. it’s just the way that i have programmed myself at this point. it’s my nature. however, i actually did roll under the sheets on thursday night just after midnight, having just taken a shower an hour earlier and watching futurama and family guy on adult swim. i then laid there for three and a half hours, twisting, turning, contorting, flopping… anything that i could do to get some degree of comfortness going on so that i could pass out.

it wasn’t happening. at all. i ended up texting with spring until finally i did crash, thanks in part to putting some music and the tv on. i figured that if i normally zonk when i forget to turn everything off, then i might be able to fool my body into heading into dream zone under more usual circumstances.

anyways. i ended up getting only two and a half hours of sleep before work (why bother?) and then somehow made it through an eight-hour shift. i was actually so exhausted that i was quite hyper and super alert, which definitely was a plus because i’ve also suffered many shifts where i got no sleep beforehand *and* i was drowsy the whole time. those days really suck balls.

after coming home and passing out for a nap that was a bit too short, a co-worker named chris and i met up and got some japanese food, followed by a showing of "premonition," which while a good film, was a bit too predictable for my tastes. i guess having studied films and been involved with the film making process has tempered my ability to be truly taken by surprise anymore, but even chris said he pretty much had figured it all out long before a typical movie goer should have.

although ask any of the fucking dumbass high school and junior high kids in the theater, and they probably would have stated the opposite. you wouldn’t think that that film would be the kind of thing the youngsters would all be heading out to see, but nonetheless, in addition to the film, i became quite versed in what half of the youth of san mateo have been up to, since not one single person under the age of eighteen in the auditorium would actually shut the fuck up.

and they were all really well dressed up, too. most of the girls were in long black dresses with make up and their hair all done up fancy, with guys that were suited up and cleanly cut. you’d have thought that they were all originally headed to a spring formal and the limo broke down, so they all just popped over to the movie theater instead. there were also a ton of cops hanging around, so chris and i wondered with no real satisfying conclusion as to whether something was going on around or what. it may just be my imagination, but at times i shake my head in amazement in just how lacking of common sense most kids in the younger generations really are, and how stupid they can be. is it just that i am getting older? possibly, although to be honest, i have always lamented that a larger portion of the population is significantly dumber than they really ought to be.

over the past week or so, i keep getting this strange sensation. i’ll be outdoors, either driving in my car, or walking around town, or something, and it just "feels" like i am in southern california – specifically in the beach cities, although occasionally i have felt like i was in downtown la, which can be tolerable if you catch it at the right time and day. hard to describe, but if you have ever just "felt" like you were somewhere simply by how the air felt, or that there was something certain and familiar drifting along in the wind. several times i have closed my eyes, and just for a moment really thought i was down along the beach.

especially at night. usually when i get home from work, i’ll sit out in my car with the top down for a bit before heading into the house, just to kinda give myself some wind down time and enjoy the outdoors. i tend to lock myself away in my room a lot if i am home, so i relish the chances when i get to be outside if the weather is nice.

there was always something about southern california that i loved. i really mean it when i say the air was different down there, and while most people think of the deadly santa anna’s, those really didn’t have any presence down by the water. manhattan, hermosa, and redondo beaches were free from all the pollution and terrible heat that the inland valley continually suffers from each year, and there are usually only a few days out of the year when the surf towns truly become unbearable to hang around in.

during those times lately when i sit out in my car in the driveway, if i close my eyes, it is almost as if i am back in middle school; hanging out after class in the shop room, drinking shasta and doodling around in the architecture program on the old mac IIci that mister halferty had setup for drafting projects. or bicycling around town, getting to know all of the paths and avenues of manhattan beach, and figuring out what the quickest routes from one point to another were. or waking up early in the morning in the guest room at todd’s place over the summer, the window cracked open and the sound of the ocean drifting in through the alley between his house and the neighbor’s as the tide rolled in.

the other day when it was really hot out, and i worked until ten pm, after i parked my car at home, it felt like the nights when i’d take my bike out and ride on the bicycle path along the beach from redondo all the way up to the oil refinery in el segundo, the sun having long since disappeared, and the oceanfront almost totally devoid of human activity (save the scattered teenagers who were either making out or smoking weed), and plenty of heat still radiating up from the pavement to keep you warm even as the cool pacific breeze wafted in across the sea toward land.

i’m not entirely sure why i have suddenly been feeling nostalgic for the south bay lately. while it is certainly true that from the moment our family moved up to the san francisco region i harbored a burning desire to return to the beach towns, a large part of that urge was due to my infatuation with erin. after a few years passed by, and northern california slowly became more of a home, the itch began to fade, to the point where even though i still love to go and visit where i used to live, always in the back of my mind does it feel like i am trespassing somewhere that i shouldn’t be; that i have stepped onto foreign soil.

by now we’ve lived in california for the longest period of time of any other state that we took up residence in during my life, and a few years ago, we passed the point where we have lived up around frisco for a longer stretch than we did near la. but, and this is where i get severely conflicted – neither place really feels all that much like "home" to me anymore, and even though the cost of living is so ass-rapingly insane here, i can’t really picture myself living in any other state. i’ve pretty much ruled out most of the other places that i have lived, and that’s saying something for me to dismiss any of my other former stomping grounds.

i tend to develop intensely strong sentimental connections with just about anything, whether it be a location, or an object, or a person, and every time that i moved away from someplace, i yearned desperately to return. albuquerque has been the only true place that i have made a journey back to (unless you count boston, but i only lived there for two months at the most and all of the subsequent trips there were to visit with relatives), and while i fell back in love with the southwest vibe and the atmosphere of abq, i noticed after the first month of the film shoot that i had a severe anxiety that i needed to get back "home." something just didn’t feel right, and even though there was a temptation to stay (mostly because i was then becoming stuck on monica and the cost of living in new mexico is pie compared to california), i knew that one way or another, i wasn’t gonna plant any roots there. as they say, california was calling.

it’s complicated. back in the last paragraph, i realize i stated that san fran doesn’t really feel like a home anymore. to some degree, it never did. i was so stubborn and torn from having moved away from so cal that i refused to acknowledge that nor cal was now where i lived. and i totally realize that just because my family moved up here didn’t mean that i had to follow, but in all honesty, i didn’t really see myself setting off and living by myself, or even finding roommates to split a rent with and keep on living near to the beach.

even now, i am a bit skeptical of the whole separate living thing, despite the fact that living at home with my parents is starting to drive everybody involved a little more insane each day. i’m only really willing to move out into a place with a roommate so long as i am living with masato, since he’s about the only person i would trust to share a dwelling with. it takes a while for me to build up enough confidence in another human being that just settling with some generically random roommate would probably give me either an anxiety or heart attack of terrible proportions.

the only real alternatives are if i could either afford a place on my own (which is beyond impossible at the moment), or if i was sharing space with somebody that i also happened to be engaged with romantically and sexually at the time. i doubt that masato is gonna be laying with me anytime soon (his girlfriend probably wouldn’t be too keen on that idea), and he has stated before that he both wants to move away from his parents (as they still enforce a curfew even though he is in his thirties), and that we should get a place, but the plan was originally to move in together sometime in january.

actually, it was way earlier than that… like sometime last year in the spring, but the date keeps getting pushed back and i’m slowly resigning myself to the fact that it’s not likely to happen by the end of this year, either.

what the bloody hell is happening to people in my age bracket? it’s damn near impossible for any of us to head off and forge a new path on our own without some form of assistance from the parental units anymore. just about everybody i know that graduated high school around the same time as me or earlier still lives at home with their family. it doesn’t seem to be an education level thing, either – half of us are graduated from college and the other half only have high school diplomas. it doesn’t seem to make that much of a difference, despite what teachers try to drill into the minds of eager and naïve high school freshman.

also, while i have more than once lamented the cost of living in california (earlier in this post as well as many others), not all of the people i know who are afflicted with this condition live in california; a rather large percentage of them are living in various other states across the nation. it seems to be a rather widespread phenomena.

credit cards, car loans, gas money, food, cell phones, all that shit. it just eats up what little income all of us are pulling down, and then some. it’s probably best that i’m not going out with any woman right now – i can barely afford to keep my head afloat with all the financial commitments i have to deal with, let alone having a few extra bucks handy to buy sentimental gifts or nice dinners for two.

it’s not that any of these things are expendable. the family gave up on paying for a landline to the house some months ago, and cell phones are the only communication outlets we have with the rest of the world at this point (except for the internet, of course). i’m also in a family plan with the rest of my clan, and getting a tasty discount through work as well, so it’s not even all that bad.

the amount of "rent" that my parents charge is laughable when compared to what i’d have to shell out at any other residence, and when i can, i am able to sustain myself with food obtained from whatever they have bought at the store. although, in the past year or so, i’ve moved way more towards buying my own food and paying for much of what i consume.

as far as the rest of my debts are concerned, i finished paying off my car loan last fall, and the only real major amount of money i still owe towards anybody is the purchase price for my new dell (which was justifiable since my laptop was beginning to slack on keeping my productivity strong). gas money is still a royal sting in the ass, since the price of crude around here has jumped up nearly 75 cents in the last two weeks. analysts are predicting that we’ll be shelling out four dollars per gallon by the summer around here, and even though some people might write that off as paranoid speculation, those analysts are the same people who were definitely on their mark two years ago when they announced their suspicions that three dollars for a gallon wasn’t too far off.

so where does all the rest of my money go, aside from for fuel? lunches when i am at work (food around my store is ridiculously expensive), parking for work (which i think is BULLSHIT; people who work in ANY town should be given FREE parking since the services they provide are what attract all of the consumer business to an area in the fucking first place), and other extraneous yet equally uninteresting details.

somehow, i end up totally drained and barely hanging on by a thread as it is. i would end up homeless in a month were i actually living on my own by myself, as the rent cost alone would end up emptying my bank account before anything else got a share, and obviously that would leave me royally screwed since i’d only end up further in debt.

the same is true for others, such as masato, who not only has several years of car payments left on his new cylon, er scion, but also some credit cards and a girlfriend on top of that. again, i’m left thinking that there is probably no real chance of him and i getting a place until sometime next year at the earliest, due to us both not having the savings to facilitate such a venture.

but once more, i go back to wondering why i keep dwelling on thoughts of so cal. the more that i think about it, weariness creeps into my mind, as i have my own inhibitions about moving back there. not only has the population tripled in the beach cities, making commuting a way tougher and more frustrating ordeal, but i have to wonder if by staking a claim down there would somehow compel me to re-ignite my obsession for erin.

i'm confident in saying that i’m completely over her, especially since she and i never went out and there isn’t even a past between us, aside from the occasionally idle glances she and i would trade back and forth over the couple of years that we schooled together. getting her out of my head was shockingly a difficult task, one that fills me with great embarrassment and shame. why did i fall so madly for her? i don’t even believe in love at first sight, so i like to think that all that was going on was some poorly directed lust.

her name flickers through my thoughts every now and then, but not nearly with the frequency that they used to. however, moving back to the los angeles are would also leave me in close proximity to monica.

she is a great friend, and somebody that i admire strongly, but there is still a bit something more sitting with me in regards to her that i need time to let go of. it would be totally awesome to be nearer to such a close companion, but i’m worried that i’m not over her enough to the point where i could stand seeing her on a regular basis and knowing that i wasn’t with her.

don’t get me wrong; i’m not some psychotic jealous asshole that would stand outside her window at three in the morning, blasting cassettes of sappy romantic eighties ballads. but i do still feel an attraction to her, much more than i should for somebody that i was with for such a short time and under the conditions that we were together, and since i tend to develop those customarily intense connections for people that i elaborated on earlier in this post, it would probably be best for me to keep my distance for a while longer.

even when i was physically with ashley for all of the seven days that i knew her in person, in the back of my mind, whether i acknowledged it or not, i was secretly comparing and contrasting her to monica. i didn’t do it hardly at all with meagan, as she was real and present enough (unlike ash who was primarily online and over the phone instead of face to face) that i got to know and really like at least the part of her that i encountered in the first few weeks that we were dating, until things began taking a turn for the worse and we both developed into stranger and confusingly more alien people than we were before.

what degree of serious infatuation with monica that might still exist in me is fairly small at this point in all honesty, but i’ve also always been one to play on the safer side of town and avoided placing myself intentionally into situations that might be questionable, regardless of how severe or minor they might actually be, perceived or otherwise.

to be fair, monica isn't the only reason keeping me from heading south, so to speak. it also has a lot to do with the fact that craig moved away from west covina back to albuquerque last year. a large part of why i wanted to live in the la area again was that craig had finally ventured out to california after years of my badgering him to do so, and even if we hadn't ended up co-habitating (a situation we later discovered only worked partially during the making of land of entrapment) it would nonetheless have been great to be living around such a good friend, and to hang out a lot. with craig having returned to new mexico, i don't really have all that many contacts left in so cal, seeing as how most of the people i knew have either moved on to other parts of the world by now, or those who still live there have been out of contact with me for so long a time that there isn't even really any common ground for us to work with anymore.

i wouldn't be surprised to discover that i am even more forgettable than i imagine i am, and that's neither a depressing realization nor a stab for pity. more like an observation that i don't really do a whole lot to leave an impression on the people i encounter, and if for some reason they do remember me, it is probably due to an odd quirk or something that i probably wouldn't want somebody to hold in legacy of their encounters with yours truly.

throw in the fact that i still have no idea what my long term career goals are, and you get one totally fucked up individual that is struggling to find any kind of solid ground with which to walk forward upon.

i don’t know. it’s an understatement to suggest that i am a tad confused about what direction my life needs to head in at the moment. when i was a child, i had such a burn to grow up and become an adult, with all these grandiose schemes and plans of which i would pursue on my way to gaining it all; the fame, the fortune, and most importantly of all, the women. i can’t hardly stress enough about the throngs of insanely horny women.

but i’m older now, and not necessarily all the much wiser, but definitely aware enough to realize that my ambitions and follow-through exist in two separate dimensions.

anybody out there know how to bridge the universes that repel each other?

anybody? i imagine stephen hawking knows. too bad he’s probably busy dreaming up hyper explosive quasars and shit that would warp all of existence into the shape of a duck-billed platypus.

i bet that would be really fucking cool, though.

  • 3.11.2007

    using stars to light your candles 

    my errant sleeping issues press on, as it were.

    on friday night, after coming home from a dinner at red robin, i was so exhausted that i laid down at eight thirty pm, and passed straight out until noon on saturday. when i awoke, i was terribly frustrated that i had wasted so much time, and lamented all the things i had wanted to do in the time between that ended up not getting done.

    earlier on friday evening when i had gotten home from work, i passed out in my car with the driver’s side door open, as i was halfway getting out of the car. it was so nice out, and i was tired enough, that i didn’t even really mind that i fell back into my seat and drifted off. for about a half hour, i sat there in a more or less unconscious state, only around one third aware of the world around me. my eyes were closed for the majority of the time, and as i sat there, passing in and out of being asleep, i listened closely to all the sounds that surrounded me.

    just a year prior, i had attended a lecture at san francisco state university with david and ashley (who was in town for the week visiting me at the time) by walter murch, one of the foremost editors and sound producers in hollywood. at one point he had been speaking (ironically) about a book that once had read, written by an american on vacation in france, about sitting in his hotel room, eyes closed, and journaling everything he heard from outside the window. the tapestry of images he described of a bustling and living paris were conjured only by audio clues, and now a year later to the day after that lecture, i was in the midst of doing more or less the same as i sat in my car, exhausted by the eight and a half hour shift that i had just come home from working.

    (one of the under-age girls that works in our store had a unique comparison for how long my day was; she said that i might as well have been at high school with an hour and a half detention after class. accurately appropriate, i mused.)

    with nothing else but sounds to go on, my mind began sliding around a number of topics and thoughts; the kind of things that might cross your mind as you are falling asleep with the tv on, or stoned out of your gourd and thinking you have figured out the meaning of the universe. none of them can i recall now, but i know that in the state of delirium that i was traveling through, nearly all of those thoughts seemed immensely important.

    a low flying jet circling on approach to san francisco international roused me from my slumber, and i watched the giant silver bird glide slowly across the sky before putting the top up on my car and heading into the house.

    i ended up wasting time for most of today as well. it was exceptionally beautiful out, one of the rare days lately where the temperature, humidity, and lack of the usual pervasively chilly wind all matched to make for a really gorgeous afternoon – instead i spent the majority of it indoors, listening to music and thinking that i really should get outside and go do something.

    but that brings up to me the question of what exactly there is to do, even. while i would love to go for an afternoon drive, having to pay 3.29 per gallon to fill up my car is less than desirable. nobody was available for activities that require more than one person, such as frisbee or touch football, and i had to give back the nikon d50 on saturday to its more than generous owner, so while the lighting was perfect for a number of spots that i have been meaning to get to and photograph, the lack of a camera pretty much nixes that idea right in the bud. so begins my push to save up enough money to get a d80, that i might continue to pursue that which is the capturing of light and digitally saving it for future posterity.

    i’m also rather saddened that my drumkit had to be stowed away in cases once more, since my grandparents are in town visiting, and the space it was set up in has now become the guest room for the time being. i suppose i could always drive down to bethel and bang away for a few hours on the kit down there, but that goes back to the whole gas price issue.

    so, i sit, and listen to sabbath and blue oyster cult. an odd mix, to be sure, but one that surprisingly compliments itself nonetheless. a leisurely shower and bowl of nuked fettuccini alfredo helped round out the afternoon. i also passed the time by mindlessly browsing through funny pictures that the internet provided, reading up on the upcoming release of the new rush single and album, and losing a bid on an eBay auction for a copy of guitar hero.

    whole lotta excitement there, lemme tell ya. my dreams as usual have been exceedingly vivid, but i’m finding that remembering them is becoming increasingly more difficult. this is a fact that distresses me greatly, as i rely on my dreams to both provide some insight into my life, and to supply me with entertaining flights of imagination that i otherwise wouldn’t stop to work on. since i happen to believe at least in part that everything happens for a reason, i am reasonably sure there is some point to me not being able to remember my dreams as easily as i could before.

    or it could just be a sign that i am growing older.

    for now, i’m gonna head off and see if there is any trouble i can go get myself into, because i’m reaching the tolerance limits for my boredom.

  • 3.04.2007

    we feel the push and pull of restless rhythms from afar 

    much as i alluded to on thursday night/friday morning, i ended up not getting much sleep, but that was resolved when i passed out on friday night sometime around ten, and woke up this saturday at half past noon.

    which is good, because lately i have been having a few “episodes,” if you will. i’ll be sitting in my room, relaxing with the television on, and all of a sudden, it becomes clear to me that several minutes have passed that i have no solid memory of consciousness for. my sleeping patterns as usual have been less than ideal, and it’s taking a fairly vicious toll on my waking life.

    at any rate, thusly i have concluded that there are two possibilities: either i’m skipping forward in time (which is doubtful), or i have some degree of narcolepsy. the only reason this is somewhat annoying is that when i get these lapses of awareness, it usually happens while i am watching CSI re-runs on spike tv. CSI happens to be one of those shows that exhibits two unique properties: no matter how many times you have seen a particular episode, it’s unbelievably easy to forget how it ended, and that if you turn away from the show for even five seconds time, some crucial detail might be brought to light that unless you were paying attention, is very likely to be the evidence responsible for solving the entire puzzle.

    it never fails that either i’ll miss that key element to the story, or that i’ll simply pass out just before the ending, and wake up to find another episode running, without having gained any closure from the previous episode. as you can imagine, this is a tad frustrating, to say the least.

    even as far back as 2003, when i very first started this blog, there were times when i would curiously find myself pulling into the driveway at night, having no distinct memory of the thirty minute drive home from san jose. at the time, i theorized that my brain didn’t really deem any of that time worthy of passing onto my long term memory, as i became so familiar with the route that i didn’t really even have to devote a whole lot of attention towards it, unless of course there was some asshole on the highway who didn’t know how to drive and was making for a challenging commute.

    in fact, that has been happening with my drive home from work in the last month or so, especially if i take the same route over and over. i also tend to get rather involved in whatever music i have playing in my car (as this is the one time you will ever catch my weak attempts at singing), and i guess i focus more on the lyrics than i do on the road. i just realized that somebody reading this could become quite concerned at my driving ability, but since i don’t have any new dents or markings on my car, i am reasonably sure that i haven’t hit anything or anybody.

    besides, that’s the kinda shit you don’t tend to forget too easily, unless you suffered some kind of head injury that fostered a pesky bout of amnesia. but i strongly doubt that.

    also as i hinted at in my last post, i have been having a small issue with the management of my time lately. every now and then, i find that i have to keep forcing myself to believe that certain activities should only take so much time, and then when i look down at my watch, nearly double the time i expected to has passed by. on a few occasions, i have managed to hold some kind of control over my perceptions of the passage of time, and manipulate it to my advantage, but unless i keep it up for a significant amount of time, i tend to lose my ability to focus and time slips by way faster than i care for it to.

    perhaps it has to do with my whole fretting about what i am supposed to do with my life.

    no, wait. actually, recently i have been questioning why i even feel so strong a desire to do anything at all with my life. since i can’t quite come to a concrete decision as to what i even really want to do or what direction on the path i want to follow, i’ve begun to figure that there isn’t even really any pressing need for me to shit or get off the pot. at least, no real perceivable need. only the one that is in the back of my mind.

    ultimately, i’m kinda happy where i am at, and in some ways, i am not. as far as my job goes, i’m not too displeased with pouring coffee for a living. it’s not exactly the most glamorous occupation to be in, but it’s also by far not the worst. i can think of several jobs that i would never want to ever hold (some of them i have already had the misfortune of working), and yet, what i am doing now doesn’t seem all that bad. customer service isn’t my ideal candidate for a career, but i seem to do fairly well with it, i sort of enjoy it, and i interact with people well enough (to a degree, anyways) that it is even fun most of the time.

    yet there is of course the part of me that yearns for more. the part that daydreams about being a legendary film maker, or a world renowned rock star. i suppose that a lot of people have those kinds of aspirations, to be truly famous or fabulously wealthy. but, i began to realize that mayhaps that kinda destiny isn’t really in the cards for me.

    of course, the philosopher would stand here all day and wonder if that kind of fate is held from me simply because i do nothing to reach for it, and instead accept mediocrity as my destiny. whatever. besides, spending all of my time pondering that kind of stuff would be pointless.

    but not if i only spend a portion of my time.

    although, to be honest, i haven’t made any real significant strides towards doing anything that would gain me some sort of recognition like that which i fantasize about. every band that i have joined or started has crumbled rather fast, mostly due to my inability to organize and keep on task, and while land of entrapment is for almost all intents and purposes done, i am so embarrassed by some of my contributions towards it that i question if i even want my name on the damn thing.

    so, with no real effort to show for the goals i want to reach, i don’t suppose i have much room with which to complain.

    but i will anyways.

    it’s also kind of like how there is a part of me that seems to have forgotten how to be suave when it comes to dealing with women, and i keep returning to my pre-laid not-so-savvy ways. craig seems to think i am a total “pimp” since i have had several ladies in the last couple years, but in truth, i am anything but. there have been a number of comely ladies that have passed through my store, and while i have managed to flirt successfully with many of them, there are a couple that i keep acting like a total newbish tool around.

    take for example the lady i am currently enticed by. she’s a nice enough gal, comes in early mornings and late evenings in between work, and orders the same drink every time (i of course have it memorized and prepare it for her as soon as i see her approaching). while she’s not drop dead gorgeous (few women are, and seem to think otherwise), she is quite pretty and has some intense brown eyes. anyways. for a while, i was able to keep some air of cool whenever she came in, but lately, i have been totally slipping. it’s probably because i am trying too hard, but i think it’s also because i have suffered a loss of confidence in the last few months or so.

    a couple weekends ago, while i was in the last third of a really long and early-starting shift, she came in, and during the course of ringing her up, she inquired what i was going to be doing after work. in the sleep deprived state that i was running under, i totally missed that obvious hint and nonchalantly told her that i was probably gonna go home and pass out. about five seconds after she stepped away from my register over to the espresso bar area, i realized the error of my ways, and began mentally kicking myself in the ass for the rest of the afternoon.

    ironically, i was beating myself up when i wasn’t even sure why. i mean, yeah, obviously. i totally blew a golden opportunity, and while i realize fully the ramifications of that action, i’m also not as devastated by it as i would have thought i would be. since i am currently single and not getting any, you would think that i would be a tad more concerned with hooking up again, as my character would lead you to believe if you have read any of the past couple years on my blog, but no.

    it could be that in the back of my head, i have come to realize that while some opportunities i will totally blow, there are others that will come along that i will grab by the horns and take the gold. that is, if you hold onto the belief that the powers that ultimately be are so gracious as to continually extend other venues of possibility to those that are too dim to see what gifts they have been offered.

    which is actually something that numerous friends have attempted to beat into my skull on multiple occasions, but was an assumption that i had waved off before because i at that point in time thought that i knew everything there is to know that i should. i of course still don’t know everything that there is to know, but at least i am a small iota wiser when it comes to some situations.

    right about smack dab in the middle of this post, i went to the bowling alley with some friends for a few rounds (and to accidentally throw the ball back behind me on one frame, nearly hitting the company i was with), and there was this curvy blonde a few lanes down that i kept checking out. from what i could gather about her group, their ratio of girls to guys was equal, meaning that she was probably there “with” somebody, and yet, i kept looking on over every now and then. i even caught her glancing back in my direction a few times. on the way out of the alley at the end of the evening, she ended up getting into the back seat of a car with another girl and guy, which if i’m not mistaken, usually is the sign that she wasn’t with anybody, and that she was possibly single.

    or her boyfriend was being taken home in another car because the two routes didn’t coincide and it was more convenient for them to split up and ride with different people.

    either way, it’s pointless to second guess it all since the moment is definitely gone, and again, i’m not all that terribly broken up about it. it wasn’t really an opportunity to begin with, and besides that, there are others that will come along in due time (but likely not as due a time as i would prefer).

    it definitely would be nice to find some companionship again, since, you know… SEX, but for now, i don’t really need it, and in some ways, it would actually cause more trouble than it is worth. not to say that the measure of one’s presence is problematic, but since i still live at home with family, i am drastically limited by my options when it comes to dealing with a member of the opposite sex. the fact that i own a convertible that lacks a suitable back seat (or any, for that matter) is also a bit of a hindrance to the whole pursuance of “gettin’ some.”

    that situation would find some sort of resolution were masato and i in a position to begin scouting for a righteously bitching pad for which to call our own. credit card debts on both parts are currently holding us back, and while i hate to say it, with the way our lifestyles are patterned, it will likely be quite some time before i’ll be able to move out and begin anew.

    in the meantime, i have been attempting to expand my devotion towards photography, and i’ve found that flickr is truly awesome. the previous gallery that i had, which still exists, was a bit too cumbersome and didn’t seem to get a whole lot of action, where-as i think can increase my exposure to a larger audience. ha ha, get it? i made a photography pun there. yeah, it was dumb. don’t justify it by laughing.

    my interest in panoramic images has been renewed, thanks in part to using a camera that is actually capable of being manipulated to a degree that makes taking photographs suitable for stitching together way easier. sadly, the days i have to use the nikon d50 are numbered, because the owner of the camera wishes to have it back, and so i am looking at probably saving up some of my pennies to go towards buying myself a shiny new d80 with a 50mm prime lens.

    (i totally realize that spending that much money on photographic equipment will put me further away from getting my own place, but since i have some idle thoughts in the back of my head about selling some of my better photos, it could turn out to be a profitable venture on my part.)

    anyways. that is the state of things, and they are likely to change from moment to moment. further continuing my whole dilemma of dealing with two wildly divergent personalities, there are times where i find myself totally calm, and zen; accepting the world for what it is and realizing my place in the grand scheme of things. do i really even need to say that the other side of me is a tad exasperated with everything and has a dire urge to completely stir shit up until nothing is recognizable anymore?

    i realize this post is becoming rather lengthy, as my writings are often wont to do. this could be a worthy cessation point, and while i can’t guarantee anything, i haven’t completely given up on the world of blogging, and probably will have more to say at some point soon.

    oh, but before i go, i did want to say that after listening to rush for the last three years, i have *finally* managed to trick my feet into doing complex syncopated patterns that are completely independent of what my hands are doing when playing the drums. go me!

  • 3.02.2007

    taking the time away from me 

    i should be in bed, fast asleep.

    as it stands, i have about four hours time remaining to slumber and rest before i need to begin heading off to work. with that tiny amount of sleep, i doubt i’ll be in good shape at two thirty in the afternoon, fourteen hours from now, when i finally get out of there.

    i should be using my time wisely.

    but then again, i am not known for doing what i should.

    like writing, and actually participating in my life. lately, i feel as if i set everything on cruise control, so that i don’t have to keep as active a part in anything that goes on. as i have commented in the last post, or couple posts… i don’t really remember what the hell i have written anymore, this year got off to a rather rocky start.

    there have been some good times in between all the crap, but i think mentally and emotionally, i just kinda gave up once i realized that the first two months were rapidly evolving into uphill battles, and not the kind that inspire a rocky-esque self improvement montage set to rock-em sock-em 80’s pop tunes to gather up the strength and ability to overcome that which life attempts to sink you with.

    i’ve known this, and a few of my friends know this, and i suspect that my family is beginning to notice.

    thing of it is, i feel like i keep getting offered promises from whatever force that drives life that you might subscribe to; promises that i never asked for, and that eventually evaporate because either i didn’t invest enough of myself in them, or i invested too much and burned it all away.

    i don’t know if this makes much sense. part of me doesn’t even understand what i am saying, and possibly another part of me is terrified of what i am saying.

    and another part of me is wisely choosing to go hop in bed and wait until later to detail more about what has been going on with me recently.

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