funny how i blind myself 

there is a new playlist of music in the normal rotation at work, consisting entirely of songs from the 80’s. being an 80’s music nutcase, this is incredibly excellent for me, but at times it does feel like i am stuck in a john hughes movie.

as far as what is going on in my life? i dunno anymore. at this point, i am just going from day to day. the whole crash and burn thing with the relationship isn’t really getting to me as much as the monetary woes, but it sure doesn’t aid things any. the good news is that i’ve been getting a lot of hours at work the last couple weeks, so my paychecks should be seeing a rather promising increase, which will help immensely with keeping unkempt goons from seeking me out in order to break my thumbs and kneecaps.

craig and i are developing some real frustrations due to all the delays we are encountering with getting our film finished. the most current stumbling block is that neither david or i have any available free time to dedicate towards hitting the foley stage with a vengeance to get all of our sound effects recorded. at best, it’s gonna be several weeks before either of us has enough time to devote to the task, and even after that is done, we still have a huge amount of work to do with shooting the green-screen material of masato to matte into the film.

so much to get done, and not nearly enough time to do it all. several months ago, when masato and i helped out at fanimecon, there seemed to be this ubiquitous synchronicity abounding in the world, and now it would appear that it has turned against everybody. in order to get the sound work on the film done, i will need to take less hours at work, but doing so means that i will have smaller paychecks, with which i would barely be able to take care of all of my expenses – expenses that are surprisingly high, despite the fact that i still live at home.

it is all a very delicate balancing act. there are some days when i wonder what i am even doing, and if i should even bother with anything. back a couple months ago, it seemed like everybody and everything was just flowing together, and there was this beautiful harmony to the universe. at the moment, i feel like life is a rowdy, unrehearsed symphony of individuals all playing their own solos, and none of it is complimentary to anything else. it is a deafening cacophony of noise that has no form or grace. does that analogy even really make any sense? reading it over several times, i’m not sure that i am articulating myself properly, an issue i continue to struggle with.

ironically, despite how depressed or stressful what i post may sound, i’ve actually been in this oddly tranquil state, personally. in some ways, i feel a lot like lester burnham in american beauty. while the whole rest of the world seems to be dissolving around me, i am content in the knowledge that things will eventually work themselves out. from time to time, i fall prey to the same trap that many people do; i momentarily focus only on what is directly in front of me, and ignore the big picture. in the last year or so, i feel i have been doing a better job of keeping my eye on bigger and brighter lights than those that shine directly in my eyes. but i have come to realize in the last twenty seven years that all things eventually pass, and order is restored once more. the main obstacle to keep in mind is that the balance happens at its own pace, and not necessarily in line with when i would so wish for it to.

consequently, i really hope that my neighbor doesn’t try to make a move on me, and then shoot me in the back of the head for rejecting his advances...

hence, i have been attempting to step back from everything, and figure out what i need to do for my part in order to make things work. unfortunately, this has left me alienating a few individuals in the process, but sometimes i feel convinced that those sacrifices are necessary in order to maintain a forward direction in life.

or not. who knows? all i can see when i read through what i have just written is a bunch of pretentiously self righteous bullshit. the humble part of me wants to smack myself for making everything out to be so much more than it actually is, for being such a drama whore starved for attention. perhaps that is my plan for getting through that which strives to drag me down? again, i have no idea.

ultimately i am keenly aware that none of what i say or think is truly relevant in the grand scheme of things. the words i speak are not earth shattering revelations or brilliant observations. i suppose that is part of the reason as to why my presence in the world of blog has diminished over time. should i ever post even if i don’t feel any need to do so? what end or purpose is served by my using a public forum as a proving ground for the mixture of stuff that goes on in my mind?

oh, don’t fret. this isn’t some declarative statement to indicate that my blog or myself shall disappear from your reach. no, i feel that if nothing else, it does feel a bit rewarding to sit back and know that other people spend time reading what i have to say, and reflecting upon my thoughts, perhaps even sharing their own interpretations of what i think.

today is a new day. i wonder what shall happen, and what shall i reflect upon when the end of the day comes, and i find myself sitting in my room with the laptop comfortably keeping my legs warm. this is like the moment in a movie when the sun rises after something major has taken place, and you know that the story will go on, but you’re not quite sure how just yet.

guess i gotta wait another twenty-three hours to find out.

i might even fill ya in on everything after the fact. ;-)

  • 8.02.2006

    as the children of the sun begin to wake 

    once again, i let this thing slip by the wayside and now several weeks have gone past yet again.

    i’ve been fairly neglectful of a lot of things. my blog, my finances... my girlfriend. er, rather, ex-girlfriend now, it would seem. i’m not really sure, since the only discussion we have had of this development has been solely through e-mails at the moment. but, since she has changed her myspace profile back to "single" instead of "in a relationship," i’m taking that as a fairly definitive sign.

    what really happened? meh, too much to go into. let’s just leave it at this: i fucked up – or something. i’m not even really sure at this point, because lately meagan has copped a bit of an attitude and decided not to take anything i say seriously anymore. i understand that i made a lot of mistakes, and i’m willing to make up for them, but it is difficult to do so when she doesn’t seem willing to offer a branch of forgiveness for events that i’ve apologized for that happened several weeks ago now. i ask you, my blog readers: how long would you keep holding mistakes over your partner’s head before you relieved them of their debts?

    i doubt there is any gesture that i can make on my behalf that would satisfy her at this point. that doesn’t mean that my happy memories of when things were better with her are tainted in any way. just makes me sad that things are ending on a bit of a sour note.

    what has really been bugging me lately is that each time that i keep looking in on myself to figure out where i am going in my life, i keep drawing a blank. my mind has all these great ideas for projects and stuff to help work towards making my mark in the world, but none of them ever really seem to pan out. few of them are ideas that i can fully develop entirely by myself, so i’m able to work as far as i can on my part, and then when i need the assistance of others, i hit a brick wall. how can i advance in life if the help that i need never exists?

    i’m not really talking about financial aid, although an influx of large sums of money *would* be fairly sweet. i’m just talking about people helping out in general with their own personal skills, skills that i lack. i figure that if i suck at one talent, it’s better to find somebody else who excels at that one talent and inquire of them their aid, in order to better facilitate my schemes. but that never seems to work out. quite frankly, i’m wondering if the only things that shall hold me back are my own limitations... and if i need to do more to rise above my own limitations to break free of this invisible prison that binds me back from seeing my dreams fulfilled.

    what gets me are people like seth macfarlane. by the time he was my age, he already had a huge cult following of one of the most successful animated franchises ever. not only did he manage to sell three million dvd copies of a show that was cancelled, but without even really having to actively lobby on his part, get his television series re-contracted and back on the air – with incredibly successful ratings.

    so what exactly have i done by now? i had a hand in creating what craig and i on some days feel to be an embarrassment of our talents, a waste of video tape and a laughable demonstration of our efforts. in the end, land of entrapment sometimes feels like it would be better off buried in the desert, forgotten about, and waved off nonchalantly anytime somebody dare ask us "whatever happened to that movie you guys made?" truly, there are days when craig and i wonder if we even should bother with putting our names on it at all, as if the only purpose for having those titles present would be so that people would be savy of whom to blame.

    if nothing else, at least we both got some valuable learning experiences out of the whole ordeal, and the memories we made while shooting the film are excellent. it’s not that we had a bad time working on the project (well, except for when we had to deal with our lead actor and actress), but that the final result is less than satisfactory in our eyes. although, it could be just that we’ve dealt with it so much in post-production that we’re now both sick of it. in the end though, we made tons of friends and good contacts, i got laid for the first time, and we in general just had fun for the most part.

    ultimately, we’ll still release it. i sincerely doubt that any film festival is going to see it as a serious contender, especially in light of all the vast amount of finer talent out there, and the infinitely better films that loe would be going up against. perhaps we’ll take it to some small festivals, and see what kind of response we get. if things look positive, then maybe we’ll shoot for something higher, but if we get a poor reception, we’ll probably just drop the whole festival idea thing. to be honest, i’m not even sure i’d want to be present when the film screens in front of a large audience that is charged with judging a film on its merits.

    the other big problem i am facing right now is that i have a wealth of ideas to flesh out and develop into short films, or feature length projects – but i have no clue as to which one to pursue. each one has their own appeal, and i want to work on every single one of them, but the impatient side of me wants to get all of them done at once and multitask like a mofo so that i have a huge wealth of material to present to the world when i am finished. i’ve come to realize that i am fairly bad at writing a decent screenplay, since none of my scripts so far have any real defined story that plays out in a proper arc. dialogue wise, i am doing ok, because i seem capable of writing fairly believable conversations – ironic, since whenever i wrote in story form, the thing i always hated most was having to make my characters speak. i also seem to be able to develop strong three dimensional characters that people can identify with.

    the tough part is making all of my ideas into actual stories that have a point and entertain. it’s not that i have a shortage of concepts. just no way to filter through them and decide where to go for now. it’s all very annoying.

    to top things off, the nightly dreaming about airports continues. just about every time i go to sleep, i have a dream that involves an airport in some way. whether it be waiting in a terminal for a flight, arriving from someplace else, driving around the parking structure, or walking around outside the building. i get the message that i am supposed to *travel* somewhere, but i’m not sure where i am supposed to go. it would be nice if my dreams would help fill me in on where exactly i should voyage to, but no. i just get these vague suggestions that perhaps i need to physically be someplace else.

    i’ve also dreamt a lot about cats lately, too… go figure.

    so. what have we learned today? aside from the fact that i’m a shitty boyfriend, and am too indecisive about what i should do with my life, i need to go buy a cat and get on an airplane to "somewhere."

    or maybe i’ll just go to work for now.


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