there is beauty in this life we are living 

in between the time when i started this latest entry, a week or so passed. it was a fairly hectic week. details follow.

for some reason lately, around midnight or so, i’ll lay down on the floor without setting up my bedding materials, and pass out until four am, when the change in my body temperature awakens me and i roll out my covers and matt to fall back asleep on. sometimes i also fall asleep in my chair, but then soon after flop onto the floor and slumber for a few hours before getting up to close my laptop and shut off the lights.

almost every night this has happened for the last couple weeks. the two occasions where i did manage to actually go to bed properly in that time were one night when i was out in the living room after the season finales of my name is earl and the office, and one random night where i knew that sleep was fast approaching and i made myself ready in time.

it’s as if regardless of what i mentally decide, my body overrules and forces me to sleep.

not that i have been getting a world of sleep, anyways.

on the thursday before mother’s day, the grandfather of an extremely close friend of ours decided that the pain of arthritis and other ailments had become too taxing for him, and he put one of his competition pistols to his heart. after wrangling and hassling about, i was able to get last wednesday off so that we could drive to southern california for the funeral.

tuesday i already had off, which was the day we drove down on, but the memorial service itself was scheduled wednesday afternoon. however, before i could go, i had to meet up down in cupertino with david to finish recording the last of the sound effects we required for his segment of the film that he’s using as a class project. wednesday was the due date for his piece, so we had to scramble on gathering everything so that he could squeeze mixing and mastering the piece in between other classes and recording a chorale group, and we both ended up hanging out chatting and working until close to one thirty on tuesday morning. given my recent fits of random passing out, i’m thankful that i got home in one piece, as doing sixty five up fifteen miles of highway at two in the morning aren’t the most friendly conditions to lose conciousness.

seven thirty that same morning came way too soon. we didn’t leave until about eight thirty, and had to make a quick stop for coffee and breakfast pastries, making our actual departure time somewhere around nine am. dad’s a bit concerned with how rapidly we are putting mileage on the camry, so instead of taking one of our own cars down to la, a local rental company set us up with a ginormous ford 500 which i still swear to this day had a v6 engine in it (even if it was a shitty v6), though dad is dead set convinced that it was a four cylinder (is the argument even really that important? – not really).

the drive down was fairly uneventful, travel wise. i spent most of it scrunched up in the backseat, doing my best to ignore a righteous headache from the lack of sleep, listening to rush albums on the iPod, and photographing the endless landscape that soared past my window. it was actually a strangely bonding experience for mom, dad and i. with my brother off at the university of north dakota, and the rest of us working crazy schedules, we rarely get to see each other for any extended length of time anymore. i imagine it will become even more sparse should i ever actually move out of the house into my own place. traditionally, whenever we drive down to la, as soon as we get on the five, the family compartmentalizes into their own zones and pretty much stays self contained for the majority of the ride, but this time we did at one point devote quite a bit of the trip to actually communicating with each other and carrying on some noteworthy conversations.

and for the life of me, at ten pm tonight, i am totally blanking on every. single. one. of. them.

of course, that was over a week ago. everything is now a week ago. how in the fuck does that even happen?

as we dropped mom off at our old church in redondo beach to rendezvous with a friend of hers that she was staying with while we were in town, dad and i popped into the sanctuary to check out the new mixing console they recently got. nearly twelve years ago, before that church had any kind of formal sound system, dad and the other friend that he and i were staying with overnight got together and assembled a rather top-notch audio setup for the church, which lasted until last year when that church began a serious bid to replace and upgrade everything. it was about time, anyways. i’m trying to see if i can wrangle them into selling/giving me the old mackie 24x8 that is now collecting dust in storage. it may have shitty pre-amps on it, but i’d rather put the thing to good use instead of letting it take up space not doing anything.

seeing the drastic modifications to everything only highlighted this strange phenomenon of change. every time we go to visit our old neighborhoods, so much change has taken place that we hardly ever recognize deeply familiar locations anymore. i’m not talking about spans of years; these alterations to the landscape occur at an increasingly furious pace over just a few months. the last time i was in redondo beach, i completely missed a street because the landmark i was expecting to navigate by had been removed at some point in the four months that had passed since my last visit. those kinds of suburban modifications are truly terrifying; they serve to remind me just how much everything down there is transforming into something that is uniquely unfamiliar, almost alien.

of all the places i have lived, redondo beach was quite possibly the one locale that i ever really considered a home, and now that ninety percent of what is there is completely unrecognizable to me is a bit like finding out your home town had a terrible fire where everything you ever knew was completely destroyed and replaced with something else.

oh shakespeare, tremble at my melodramatically digital soliloquy.

marshalls was the next stop so i could get a tie to wear to the funeral. fuck knows i own twenty ties, and for not one moment while packing for this trip did i have the foggiest as to where the shit they are all kept. keep in mind that since moving into this house, i have had to re-pack my belongings even to simply move one room over, which is a smaller room than the one i previously occupied, so now even *more* of my crap is sandwiched into boxes up in the garage. one of these days, i swear i’m gonna go on impulse, stack all of that shit out in a parking lot, and set it ablaze. if i don’t even know what half of anything i have stashed in the garage is, how much would i really miss it if i just burned it all? obviously since i have managed to subsist for three years without needing any of it, i may as well just get it over with and destroy it all.

i suppose there is the off-chance that i might end up obliterating something that is discovered i in fact do need/want immediately after, and then i’d be totally hosed. my life is tailor made for ironies just such as those.

while we were in town, i was determined to snag a bite at chick-fil-a. there aren’t any around the bay area, and i desperately love their chicken with a passion. for reals. there are hardly any wendys down in la, and i am a huge wendys nut – i would gladly trade wendys to have chick-fil-a anytime i damn well pleased.

the rest of the afternoon was fairly chill. we hung out at our friend’s place until dinner, meeting up with mom and her friend again at chicago ribs. afterwards, i was hoping to either catch the scrubs season finale, or drive to the manhattan beach pier and take some pictures of it at night. sadly, neither of those plans came to action. instead i fired up my laptop for a short while to work on editing the trailer for land of entrapment, and then passed out somewhere near midnight, waking up at nine the next morning.

we didn’t have to be at the cemetery until two that afternoon, so the morning was spent lounging around, having a leisurely breakfast at kings hawaiian in torrance, and then checking out what used to be a really good christian book store. i dunno what holy smoke is in their pipes when charging forty five dollars for the widescreen special edition of chronicles of narnia (best buy sells it for twenty), but the real disappointment was that the sweet pro audio section they had has now been all but completely forgotten about and replaced with a few racks of compact discs.

there are only so many times in my life where i have actually dressed up all fancy like. to be quite honest, i truly despise nice formal clothes. men’s dress shirts always seem as if they are choking off your airways around the neck (especially when you throw in a tie; might as well go the full nine and make a noose out of it), and i have yet to find a pair of dress shoes that didn’t make me feel as if my feet had just been squeezed through a cider press and then steamrolled.

the service was ok. it was overcast out and there was a nice breeze, so even though it was about eighty degrees, it didn’t feel all that unbearable. there were several rows of chairs spread out graveside, and i didn’t take too much comfort in sitting on top of some random stranger’s final resting place. there are some things you just don’t do, and standing over or sitting on somebody’s grave is a big no-no.

(that may be some latent catholicism passed on by my mom since she was raised in the catholic church and only became lutheran later on in life when at the age of seven i asked her about God and she took us to a friend’s church while we were living in edmonds so i could check it all out for myself)

off in the distance over the hill sat the industrial cluster fuck that is long beach harbor. i wonder if the dead people buried there ever get pissed off that the primary view from the cemetery is an endless sea of filthy smokestacks and packing crates full of automobiles, computers and smuggled immigrants.

while we waited for the ceremony to begin, i took notice of the fact that all of the graves we were on top of were shared by couples; in most cases, the wives outlived their husbands by a good twenty years or more. makes you wonder about their lives, what they did. how they coped with the loss of their beloved. the headstone directly under my chair was for a couple where the husband was born in 1906, making him a child of six when the rms titanic launched. masato had just mentioned to me a few hours ago in a text message that there is a massive titanic exhibit opening up at the moscone center next month, and i wondered if this gentlemen had as a young boy been intrigued by what at the time was the largest ocean liner ever constructed.

after the family shared some of their fond memories of the departed, pastor john, who is the interim pastor at our old church gave a sermon that he largely phoned in. it was random and chaotic, and didn’t really seem to go anywhere. as my feet began throbbing from the pain of my toes being scrunched into two square inches of leathery torture, i made a game of trying to guess what path the minister was going to take next during his message, ultimately driving myself slightly mad as i couldn’t even begin to fathom where this guy was coming from. i only make such a big deal about this because from what we’ve been told, he is a good speaker, yet the example he provided that afternoon was certainly cause to bring his ordination into question. should the pastor at my funeral ever deliver as oddly bizarre a eulogy as this guy did, i probably won’t care all that much, seeing as how i’ll be stiffer than ron jeremy at the playboy mansion.

towards the end of the funeral, a flock of homing doves were released from a box next to the casket, who all promptly flew off towards central la, and inspired in me a possible ending to a comedic film should i ever motivate my sorry ass to actually finish a screenplay that has a definitive structure.

sitting outdoors amongst all of the graves struck up some thoughts in me, predominately what my choice would be as to the handling of my final earthly remains. so far, i know that my mom wants to be cremated, and my father hasn’t given any thought to the matter as of yet. i’m still undecided. while the ego-maniac in me has this fantasy of my corpse being preserved and held posed gallantly in a hermetically sealed viewing chamber for future generations to observe and admire, i’m more inclined to opt for having my cremated remains being fired from earth onboard a rocket bound for the sun. talk about going out in a blaze of glory.

well, not really. i imagine the rocket would likely explode long before it ever reached the sun’s corona. but that’s neither here nor there for now.

there was a reception held in the deceased’s honor after the ceremony at his surviving family’s house, which we attended for a brief period before needing to hit the road back to the bay area. all of us had to return home for commitments on thursday morning, so when the majority of the crowd began heading over to the torrance municipal airport to check out the deceased’s sister’s learjet (see: lots of texas oil money), we changed back into plain clothes and took to the 405 out of town. ideally, we were going to meet up with monica after she got off work at a fatburger in brentwood for dinner, but rush hour traffic was surprisingly lighter than i was anticipating (truly a rarity in the city of angels), and we got there a full hour before monica could make it. proceeding without her, we gobbled down some fat goodness, and then drove north on sepulveda through the pass and sherman oaks before picking up the freeway again on burbank.

originally i started off driving us out of town, and my plan was to trade places with dad as soon as we had descended out of the grapevine down into the central valley, but dad fell asleep before we reached frasier park, and mom was busy reading, so i kept on driving until we got to harris ranch sometime around eleven pm. dad took over driving at that point, which was a smart move, since i passed out dead asleep not even ten minutes after leaving the rest stop, and i pretty much stayed in a deep slumber until we got home just before two am, only drifting in and out of conciousness a few times when the road surface got vile enough that even the crappy shocks of the ford couldn’t handle.

reaching home, we all stumbled into the house weary as fuck, but i didn’t go back to sleep until about four after i woke up and dragged all the bags back in. which sucked, because i had work at eight.

four hours later. yeah. i got about two and a half hours of sleep.

and then had an eight hour shift. by four thirty, when i finally clocked out, i was beyond exhausted. somehow managing to make my way home from work without wrecking my car all over the road, the next three hours were spent taking a power nap, so that i could once again get back in my car, and head out on the road once more; this time to davis, outside of sacramento.

one of the attendees at the funeral was a guy who used to play guitar at our church before taking off for college in chico, and it turns out his band was playing the next night up around us at a bar just a few blocks from where renee lives. they’re a reggae group, which i hadn’t realized until i got there, and totally grooved the whole time they played since i’ve really gotten into reggae lately through the playlist we have at work. renee and her boyfriend david joined me and a pitcher of pabst blue ribbon to check out the show.

for the latter half of the show, there was this really attractive gal in a black skirt and top that kept looking over and eyeing me. she was fairly toasted, but so was i after downing several pints of beer, and for a moment, i realized i probably had a very good shot with her. the only thing that stopped me was the realization that i’m with ashley, and such behavior isn’t exactly the brightest thing to do in a relationship (although, i’m beginning to get the strong feeling that the future between ashley and myself may be in question – completely unrelated to my being in davis, getting drunk, and dancing to reggae), otherwise were i a single man, i totally would have been all over that.

as it stands, i kept to myself and hung out with renee and david, dancing along to the music and shouting like a wild asshole whenever it seemed appropriate, which was quite often as it turns out. it was great to hear my friend play again, as it’s been about ten years since i’ve last seen him really rip a guitar to shreds.

david, renee’s boyfriend, was kind enough to let me crash on his couch out in the living room, and after walking him to work with renee the next morning, she and i grabbed some coffee at peet’s and bagles at noah’s. there was no real pressing need for me to get back home until later that evening, so she and i walked down to the country club that her apartment gets her a discount on, and took one of the peddle boats out around the lake a few times. in spite of it being overcast (or really, because of it), i ended up getting sunburned yet again. you’d think that by now, after twenty six years, i would remember to bring sunscreen with me everywhere i go. oh well. i suppose i’ll eventually have to seek treatment should i ever develop melanoma.

renee and i grabbed some dinner at sudwerk’s, a local micro brewery (God, i fucking *love* college towns) and then i had to fight through a freak rain storm and horrendous rush hour traffic (worse than what i encountered in la) on highway eighty to get back home in time to change and get over to work for my closing shift. that night was totally bogus. even though it ended up being rather fun, out bathrooms were out of commission after a pipe exploded in our basement, and then one of the closing crew called in sick, leaving us short staffed on a busy friday night. we didn’t get out of there until two fifteen in the morning, and i had to be back once more later on at ten.

and again, it was a fucking eight hour shift. at this point in the week, i had gone three days on less than six hours of sleep, and it was definitely catching up to me rather fast. masato joined up with me for dinner at bj’s in foster city, where the lack of sleep and a rather generous pint of berry cider made me a bit loopy.

you would think that after dinner, i would have gone home and straight to bed right after.


like the fool i am, i stayed up until three in the morning. and then passed out.

the majority of sunday was spent curled up on my floor, napping away and developing a massive headache that plagued me for most of monday.


i seriously need to go to bed, since i gotta be up in six hours for work at seven. thankfully i’m only working until noon, and then masato and i have to meet up to discuss just what the hell we are going to do this weekend as far as our responsibilities go for certain projects at fanimecon.

hopefully the breadth of this post helps to explain as to why i haven’t written anything in the last several days. as always, there will be much, much more from me again.

which will be ready just as soon as i have another spare four hours to devote to craft these wastefully drawn out blog entries.

  • 5.12.2006

    other peoples thoughts they ain’t your hand-me-downs 

    you always know that you’re moving on up in the occupational world when you can put down on your resume that you have experience with scraping fly shit off a ceiling.

    in the last post, i talked about my car a bit. since toyota has been running ads for the new hybrid camry, and i love the ’01 camry we have, i’ve been starting to think about how feasible it would be to convert my car into a hybrid. i’m sure that in the next couple years, there will be a surge of hybrid engines available third party that any old person could slap into a car and then go.

    oh wait. who am i kidding? just to even open the hood on a modern vehicle and know what the fuck you’re looking at requires at least several different diagnostic computers and a staff of semi-retarded monkeys. it sickens me to be nearly as nostalgic as i am, but there was a time when should something be wrong with your car, all you needed was a big wrench and a strong back-hand. smack the engine a few times, and if it didn’t work or respond, chances are it was fucked. ok, maybe not quite that simple or arthur fonzarelli-esque but the point is, you could take a few simple tools and within minutes have a working theory as to what is going on with your ride.

    ironically, in order to make everything more efficient and functional, in the end we’ve made everything more and more complex. there is this gross oversimplification of so many things that life has become far more complicated than it really needs to be.

    for some crazy ass reason, nobody seems to remember the time when cell phones simply didn’t exist. when your kids were out of school, you couldn’t text them to find out what block the bus was on, or conference call your entire family when you wanted to have a get together. people still laugh at concertos and movie theaters when they are reminded to shut off their phones or at least set them to silent mode, and yet some dumbass always forgets and a rather annoying blast from a shitty MIDI version of the 1812 overture rings out at usually the quietest moment in the film – followed by the aforementioned dumbass’s most private possible conversation that could take place in a large public forum.

    bleh. i’m just a bit cranky tonight.

    partly it’s due to the cost of gas. while i totally understand that oil companies (just like any other for-profit capitalistic organization) exist solely to make money, this shit is getting ridiculous. it has been guestimated that should the atomic situation with iran descend further into a large toilet, the average cost at the pump will rise to nearly eight dollars per gallon of that righteous crude.

    that’s just not going to work. not at all. no, i’m afraid we’re gonna hafta come up with something else.

    especially when the popular lament on behalf of our oil providers is “supply,” despite there being more than enough on hand for quite some time. when a company makes around forty billion dollars in profit in one year, i start to realize that while indeed i work for a company that deals with a vile black liquid, clearly i’m involved with the wrong commodity.

    the other thing that pisses me off is what has recently happened to google. i’m not really talking about the censorship bullshit with china, although that does irk me quite fearsomely.

    back when google was first introduced, the only thing that you got when you accessed their front page was a simple search engine. you typed in your search string, hit ok, and in seconds a wealth of information was returned to you from which you could satisfy your craving for knowledge.

    not that google earth, google maps, and google video aren’t cool. i love each of those features, and i believe the company has done an exemplary job of demonstrating to its consumers how google can provide a lot of uniquely interesting solutions that we otherwise didn’t think we needed.

    however. the downside is that google has sold out and become a corporate shill. the other day i was attempting to locate the corporate website for a product i wanted to get some in-depth information on. sadly, this happened to be a case where the website i needed was not something simple, like the company name. so, i figured i’d bring up google and easily find the site i was looking for.

    wrong. dead wrong. the only results that i got were advertising hits. half of the links that turned up didn’t even correspond to what i was looking for, and the top twenty results were all amazon, best buy, and eBay links. now, i know how to search the internet. i’m not some newbie moron who doesn’t understand how things work. from the get-go several years ago, google has been my ever ready bitch. all you needed to give me was one moments time and the subject, and i could turn up exactly what you wanted.

    on this one particular occasion, i had to create a search string so long, i eventually lost hope of ever discovering what i was looking for. i ended up having to exclude so many key words from the pattern, that by the time i gave up, there was close to twenty words that i had to forcefully specify google not to include in the results.

    don’t even get me started on the bullshit advertising links on the side bar of the google site that integrate your search string into their titles, yet never ever have any useful content, even from a marketing standpoint. half of *those* links lead you off to a page that has yet even more links to other sites, which in turn have links to other sites, creating a giant maze of web pages that eventually bring you back around full circle to where you originally started. none of those links ever actually goes anywhere. simply to more and more collections of miscellaneous random links that deceive you into thinking you are getting anywhere.

    this is not how the web should be. "link a" should direct you to "site b" which contains all the content you originally wanted; not a link to another site that links to another site and then back again. wasteful games that involve run-around linking are something i wish no part of.

    i’m also a tad cranky because the last few days at work have been generally dismal. my co-workers are always a wonderful bunch to associate with, but due to the rising temperatures (finally, some decent fucking weather at last), a large number of the consumers that migrate into our store in search of cool refreshing beverages to quench them of their thirsts have all had really poor demeanors. it’s like whoever turned up the thermostat in the bay area also cranked the bitch factor control up to eleven.

    a few people expressing misery that the gloomy gray seattle-style bullshit has finally gone is one thing, but it begins to really rag on a person when the majority of those who wander in are coping attitudes. especially all of the people who still blatantly fail to realize that they are not the sole inhabitants of the universe, and that there are actually a great deal many more number of people around them, all arrogantly convinced of their own illusionary superiority.

    makes me want to go and watch clerks for the ten billionth time, and laugh extra hard when randal graves spits on the annoying customer who quotes headlines from horrible tabloids.

    in fact, that sounds like a good idea. movie time!!

    (oh, and if you haven’t already, skim down and read the post before this one, since I am making an effort to blog a lot more)

    * addendum (in response to claudia's comment)

    while i certainly don't believe that *all* mechanics are as dim as some primates, i have had more than my fair share of mechanics who were far too content to quickly mis-diagnose an issue with our car than actually spend the time to figure out what was really wrong with it. there is in fact a particular instance where the place we took our car to said the computer didn't find anything wrong, even though the car was very obviously in dire need of repair. all they did was push the buttons, wait for the machine to tell them the status of the car, and then refuse to do any further checking since the "computer" was "smart enough" to determine if the car was ok or not.

    even worse was when the next shop we took it to said that one component had failed, and several shops kept having us replace it *four* different times before they all finally admitted that something else might have been the problem all along. in the end, we paid four times what it would have originally cost to solve the actual problem in the first place had they made a proper diagnosis, and since the work involved "required" their specialized diagnostic and calibration equipment, it wasn't even something we could have verified for ourselves as to what the real cause of the problem was. the repair places that we took our car to were more interested in having us pay a lot of money for something that was never even broken to begin with. while you can report those places to better business centers, there's only so much that can be done to ensure that customers are receiving honest, reliable service.

    but it is still rather annoying that to even have basic work done on a modern automobile, you have to hand it over to somebody else and get charged a very large sum of money for something that used to be cheap as hell twenty years ago to do yourself. especially if you aren't even going to get reliable service consistantly, i'd rather have the option to work on my car myself and know everything about it, than have somebody "say" that it is one part when i know for a fact that something entirely unrelated is actually the issue. however, since modern cars require expensive devices to check, replace, or properly calibrate nearly everything, it isn't even feasible for enthusiasts to become directly involved in the upkeep of their vehicles anymore.

  • 5.10.2006

    many times i've wondered how much there is to know 

    five years.

    five years i have owned my car, a mazda miata.

    never once has anybody ever said anything derogatory towards me about my car, except for those comments that were knowingly in jest.

    (an explanation for those who aren’t hip - for some reason the miata is "the" car for gay people to have)

    last friday as i was cruising down 280 on my way to cupertino, some jackasses passed me in the fast line and yelled out "burn in hell you fucking faggot!"

    uh... k?

    my car has been called many things. jellybean, whitey the love rocket, and the all time favorite, tic tac. in fact, when i got my car, a former youth director of mine who i tormented endlessly about *his* miata sent to me a package of white tic tacs, which i think are still somewhere within the bounds of my car (lord only knows how many nooks and crannies there are that odd assorted items have disappeared into).

    this was the first time somebody examined what i drive and used it as a sole basis for my sexual orientation.

    jeebus. with that kind of intellect, i sure as all hell hope those shit heads aren’t registered voters.


    i made a staggering *two* whole posts for the entire month of april. damnit all. that’s just depressing.

    hell, i can remember way back when i used to post three times a day! used to be nothing could hold me back, keep me from mumbling brainlessly onto the intarweb.

    but now… now. i don’t know. still am i in possession of the desire to blog, but life it seems just gets too much in the way. hell, two weeks will barely register and i’ll suddenly realize that i left my site to the wayside. then i get all in a twitter and start working up some grandiose post, only to become distracted by something else and wander off to once again allow my corner of the net gather cobwebs.

    today i make my stand. no more, i say!

    from now on, i do declare to post more! i swear upon thou an oath to commit insidious amounts of uselessly trivial details of my life to print! from hell’s heart, i stab at thee!!

    oh fuck. it’s not like people are actually still checking this site, anyways.

    i suppose that in itself could be freeing. disregarding the limitation that there are expectations upon what i do or say here. not that there ever really were any, but that i can just begin to blabber on and on as i used to, and not concern myself with whether somebody actually checks to see that i have updated or not.

    the other day i had a rather striking epiphany. although, i hate to use that term, because lately i have noticed that tons of people have epiphanies everyday, nearly to the degree that they no longer hold any real special meaning. but this i did find to be a rather significant discovery.

    as i was driving dad and i down to church on sunday morning (or was it saturday night, to do the audio mix for a concert? i don’t recall specifics no more), i suddenly realized why it is that i take upon so many projects that almost never see the light of day or are ever fully explored.

    the conclusion was such a painfully obvious one, i should have caught this many years ago. ever since i was in high school, i have acknowledged that there are two vastly distinct personalities that occupy my mortal host.

    the first is ever the free thinker, an abstract if you will. the dreamer; the child that grasps at imagination and hungers for inspiration.

    then there is the analytical side to me. the bean counting, obsessively compulsive organizer.

    generally whenever i undertake a new project, a precise script of events goes into play. the very first thing that i find myself having to do is try and organize all of my thoughts; collect and gather all of the ideas, hem them together and farm everything for what i can towards the ultimate goal.

    the problem is, i get so stuck on the detail oriented nitpicking, that i rarely ever allow my abstract side take over again. more and more, the overall point of whatever i am doing becomes so tightly focused in a non-creative (but yet efficiently organized) fashion until i hardly have any wish to continue further. essentially, the dreamer in me becomes so flummoxed at the lack of input it has that i finally give up and move on to something else.

    what i need to do is figure out how to relinquish control over ideas i have from the analytical, back to the abstract. if i afford the dreamer in me the chance to contribute to what i am doing, likely i reckon things would flow a lot smoother for me, and i’d express more follow through on whatever it is that i happen to engage myself and my energies towards.

    although, now that i read all of this back, it seems as if i may have hit upon this discovery before, and simply filed that knowledge away into a neatly organized file somewhere in my memory.

    how ironic.

    over the last couple weeks, communications between ashley and i have dwindled. not so much a result of anything going on between us, but more having to do with the fact that her sister (whom ashley lives with) tends to become a right bit selfish every now and then, and refuses to allow ashley access to the computer or the telephone at home (which, sadly she has every right to do, since they both belong to her and not ashley).

    i’ve managed to talk with ashley once or twice a week, usually by calling her at work, but generally those aren’t the most ideal conditions since i typically reach her when she isn’t on break per se, and thus she doesn’t have the opportunity to really engage in a longer conversation.

    understandably, this is a touch frustrating to us both. matters aren’t made any better by the fact that ashley has been working several separate jobs per day to save up money to move out here to california, and currently spends more than three quarters of the day on the clock somewhere.

    to anybody who still wanders this way and isn’t turned off by the disgustingly large amounts of text i leave here, if you could pray that she and i be granted the chance to talk with each other a bit more often, i would totally appreciate it.

    it also doesn’t help that the "friend" she trusted to take care of her myspace page and e-mail has recently become insanely jealous that she has no romantic interest in him, and thus has been trying to start shit between her and i. on top of not getting to talk with her all that much, i gotta deal with this loser taunting me and carrying on like a real jackass.

    that and other things have started to wear on me a bit. but, i had a job interview for a second part time job on tuesday that i think went fairly well, so that is good.

    also, i got adobe audition 2.0 to work properly on dad’s computer. every now and then, my skill comes back to me and i’m able to beat software into submitting to my bidding.

    this post was originally written on monday, but because my sorry ass fell asleep at midnight with all the lights and the tv on, i didn’t get to post it until today.

    i promise that i will make a concerted effort to post more from now on.

    back real soon.

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