you in the moonlight, with your sleepy eyes 

the other day, it hit me. i’ve written a grand total of about four posts for the entire month of february. huzzah for me!

understandably, i have been rather distracted lately. however, it hasn’t been just thoughts of ashley that have stolen my acute concentration (insert laughter at my attempt to state that i have a decent attention span), but just overall i have found myself unable to focus on much. the miniscule amount of time that my mind isn’t spent dwelling on how incredible ashley is has been occupied by just mental white noise. every now and then, i’ll look up and realize that the song i was listening to ended quite some time ago, and in order to satisfy my desire to listen to it and actually *remember* the act of listening to it, i’ll need to repeat it several times until i am able to dedicate my full attention to it for a long enough period of time.

part of it due to my sleeping schedule being all kinds of fubar lately. i had a rough couple days last friday and saturday as far as shifts at work went, and i think i am still catching up on the damage i did by throwing my pattern all out of whack.

you might also have noticed that the surprise i mentioned last monday has failed to materialize. were this any other blogger, at this point, i’d use my inability to focus as an excuse to explain why it isn’t ready yet, seeing as how i directed you towards that conclusion with the setup in the above paragraphs.

however, i’m not gonna use a cheap excuse to cover my ass, primarily because there is no real form or structure to my blog posts due to my shitty attention span. it’s all just a bunch of words haphazardly vomited into a file and stored for your eventual dissection. and you thought performing an autopsy on frogs in high school was gross.

rest assured, i am still working on it. my initial estimate of when it would be done was a bit off. if i really crack the whip on myself, i can get it done by this sunday, but we’ll see. i have another set of shitty ass work shifts this coming friday and saturday, so i’ll likely be just about back to a decent sleeping pattern by then and instantly be forced to start all over afterwards.

however, there is one thing that i have been intently focused on. exactly one week from the time i posted this entry, i will be hugging ashley in the terminal of the san jose airport. miraculously, she and i both managed to get the time off that we requested, and a good deal on airfare happened to come our way just in time. for seven days, she and i will be spending nearly every moment together.

it probably doesn’t even need to be stated just how excited i am about this. i can hardly wait. the next six days could either fly by, or take forever. since i am going to do my best to deeply immerse myself in the project i am working on for whatever loyal readers i still have left, it is my hope that keeping myself occupied will make the time pass a fair bit quicker.

but as i said, i have had a lot of trouble concentrating, lately. perhaps a side effect of the zyrtec i have been taking? nah. i’d like to think of it as i am saving all my ability to focus for when ashley is sitting directly in front of me, bathed in the soft glow of candle light as we listen to music and stare into each other’s eyes. or for when we snuggle up next to each other on the sofa, watching family guy episodes and movies.

there are tons of things i have in mind for her and i to do when she gets here, all variously suited to whatever weather we end up being graced with. today the sky was storming up a shit fit, dumping an endless torrent of precipitation all over. down the block from the coffee shop i work at, the sidewalk was flooded a good two inches from all the water backed up at the storm drains. supposedly next weekend is going to be even worse weather, a prospect which although intriguing to entertain, would definitely not play in favor to any outdoor activities with the lady.

being that this is her first trip to california, it is only right to take her up to san fran and tour her around the city. if the rain goes away, we’ll take caltrain on up and just walk from place to place and take in the sights. were she here for a longer stay, i would undoubtedly drive her and i down to los angeles to show her all around where i more or less grew up; although, since she and i have been seriously discussing her residency being transferred to a location considerably closer to me (i.e., within the same dwelling), i am sure that later on this spring/early summer, we’ll head down to redondo and spend a weekend down in so cal after she moves in with me. to say that we will co-habitate at this point time may seem a bit premature to you all with common sense, but love makes people blind, and all is fair in love and war, and... wait. what was i talking about, again?

likely if the weather is less than desirable, we’ll end up driving around to see the sights instead of walking about, and probably go see a couple movies. i doubt we’ll remember any of them, since it is pretty much a guarantee that halfway through any flick we start to watch, we’ll end up locking lips and making out like drunken teenagers. she and i both have many months of catching up to do, with the kissing and all. oh yes. there will be kissing...

and so much more...

...and i just forgot what i was talking about again. :-/

  • 2.20.2006

    when the rain washes you clean... you'll know 

    i would imagine that twelve days may be the longest period of time that i have gone without making a blog post ever since i first started my site.

    rest assured, my blog is not dead. i have little intention to let it slip and fall by the wayside.

    the last week or so has been kinda busy, and not busy at the same time. every time that i find myself going to make an entry, i either end up getting distracted, or at a total lack of words. it has been bugging me plenty.

    also, it seems like it takes forever for people to swing on by and comment on what i write. while i shouldn’t base my desire for writing on a superficial validation such as that gleamed from comments that people leave me, oftentimes i feel driven by what people do or do not say as a guide for what to write about.

    in the end, i know that i should only write what i want to, and the opinions of others be damned, but sometimes that is just a bit difficult to do. comments on my blog inform me that people are actually reading it, and absorbing the heavy amounts of useless information that i scribble together and voice electronically. when nobody comments, or few people comment, i feel crushed – as if nobody bothered to read my writings, or they did and just did not feel they were entirely worthy of feedback.

    what can i say? i’m an attention whore. :-p

    so, it is almost totally confirmed. in thirteen days, i will have the pleasure of picking ashley up from the airport, and staring deep into her two beautiful blue eyes. she just has to double-check if she got all the time-off that she requested and if she has a ride to the airport, and then we will purchase the tickets.

    perhaps it would be a bit courteous of me to fill you in on how she and i met. while i have only been talking about ashley on my blog for the past month and a half, we both met close to eight months ago.

    i don’t even remember how – i think ashley’s page came up on the featured profiles thingy or i saw her picture on a random profile, but back in june, somehow i found her myspace page, and added her as a friend. ironically, with all of the major people in my life apart from family – craig, todd, and ashley, none of us can remember exactly how we met. for each of us, it really does feel like at some point in time, the other just materialized out of thin air and started being a part of each other’s lives. i suppose that is why i feel so strongly that ashley and i are meant to be – in each of the cases where i can’t fathom how events came about that lead to my meeting somebody, that person in turn ended up being a very significant part of my life ever since.

    at any rate, she had written some erotic poetry on her myspace blog (much like that which can be found on one of her two blogger blogs), and i had left a comment on one of them that i really liked. coincidentally, she and i were both feeling very much alone and low at the same point in time – myself over monica, and her over somebody else.

    for a couple of months, our e-mails were fairly simple – the standard "hey, how ya doing?" affair. then in november, when she made a blog post about a medical condition she had, i started e-mailing her, asking her how she was doing. pretty soon, we were both e-mailing back and forth with more substantial e-offerings, and from there things just took a natural course. i told her that i thought she was beautiful, and for some crazy reason, she seems to think that i am handsome, and eventually we clicked on a very emotional level.

    this has all been quite insane to a degree. we both still have yet to meet each other physically in person, but despite that fact, we know so much about each other already. it honestly feels like she and i have known each other for a long time. the kinda thing that most people dream about, but takes forever to actually happen.

    to tell the truth, it’s a lot like those eharmony commercials with couples being interviewed – saying they have grandiose phone conversations and spectacular dates. young couples telling how they have found the "love of their life." when i was a member of eharmony for six months, i never once got any connections like the ones they advertise. that site generally promises results within a month or two, but the lack of any matches after a half year rendered my decision firm to cancel my subscription. now i believe that i intentionally had no luck with that site because i was destined to meet ashley instead. i’d be curious to attempt an experiment – have her and i both take the psychological profile exams on the site, create profiles, and see if that system randomly paired us up together. just for fun, to see what that service would have to say about us being together. although, fear not. i’m not gonna base my feelings towards ashley by what a dating-service says. i already know what my feelings are for ashley.

    which brings me to a major point. we were originally gonna wait until we met in person before even saying that we love each other, since we wanted to hang out with each other for a bit to make sure. however, during one very memorable phone call when she and i were faced with the direness of her inventory schedule, and how every last avenue to get her out of it had been exhausted, we both agreed that we could not wait any longer to declare our feelings towards each other. is that a good sign? that she and i had to fight the urge to say that we loved each other for a while? i know it seems hasty and curious to declare love for somebody you haven’t met in person yet, but for both of us, the need to say it to each other was just so overwhelming.

    since then, she and i keep getting into little mini arguments about who loves the other more. they are not serious arguments, just playfully mushy spats and cutesy lovey dovey stuff that would make anybody apart from us express an interest in hurling most violently. :-p

    the days when we don’t get to talk to each other over the phone are painful for us both. additionally, we can’t seem to be able to take our minds off of each other. at work, ashley had to come up with a system of finding objects to think about in order to focus on something other than me, and when i am at work, more and more i am finding that every woman that comes into the store makes me think of ashley. this makes it fairly difficult to concentrate on anything that isn’t her.

    i suppose there will always be uncertainties in life. lord knows that i have blogged numerous times about my frustrations regarding them. but when ashley and i talk with each other… it just feels *right.* like, she and i are supposed to be together.

    truly do i hope this to be the case.

    again, my sincere apologies for the dreadful lack of postings. i feel that i should make up for my absence in some special way, so be looking forward to a treat for you guys later on this week. probably wednesday, or maybe thursday. or even tomorrow, assuming i get it done soon enough...

    keep checking back, and have a swell week regardless!

  • 2.08.2006

    friends who never left your mind when you were far away 

    patience definitely is not one of the virtues of character that i have been blessed with. my lack of patience typically rears its ugly head whenever i am driving to or from work, as i tend to wind up stuck behind the slowest mother fuckers on the road. i especially hate it when these losers coordinate with each other and manage to take up all the available lanes, ensuring that any sliver of hope at passing them vanishes, and with it, the idle dream of traveling at a speed closer to the actual posted limit rather than just inching along at an infuriatingly dreadful slow pace.

    or like when i am at work, and some idiot in line decides that the five minutes they just spent waiting behind the other customers in front of them wasn’t quite enough time to figure out what the fuck they want to order. lord help them if they happen to be yaking away on a cell phone as well... several times i have been tempted to throttle the shit out of the annoying yuppie scum that somehow believe that the conversation about last night’s 'american idol' or 'oc' episode with the friend that is less than five minutes walking distance away is more important than actually ordering their drink so that they can move the fuck out of the way of the rest of the impatient people waiting in line.

    i bring up patience because it has been heavily tested quite a bit lately.

    even though tuesday was ashley’s birthday, she unfortunately was not hired at either of the jobs she interviewed for last week, and thus she was unable to travel out here to california to spend this week with me. after her rather colorful interview at dunkin donut’s, she also ended up getting an interview for being a waitress at a friday’s near by. she was to find out if she got that job by last saturday evening. had she been hired for the waitress job, we literally would have been buying her plane tickets at the absolute last possible moment, since her flight would have taken off and arrived on sunday. we both had driven ourselves mad with anticipation by building up our hopes for things to work out.

    sadly, it was not to be. instead, she and i now have to wait an additional several weeks before she will have the available time off to come out and visit. while i am not mad at her (how could i be?), i am fairly incensed about the whole situation.

    primarily because i wanted her birthday this year to be special, since the last several birthdays she has had were less than decent. i would have made a post yesterday about her birthday, but i told her before she left to go spend a couple days doing inventory at a store far from her home, that when she is able to come out to visit, we will "officially" celebrate her birthday then. we’re going to pretend that her birthday actually falls on one of the days during her stay. when that happens, i will make a post to signify this celebration, and i ask all of you to kindly leave her much love.

    obviously, this is not the end of the world. it is of course a bit of a setback. a rather annoying one, at that. she and i will still meet in person. i think that is pretty much a given at this point. all this means is that we have to wait a bit longer before that can happen.

    however, i seem to recall somebody, somewhere, at some point in time musing on the following:

    "good things are worth waiting for."

  • 2.01.2006

    and i was dreaming of the night; would it turn out right? 

    not that many people particularly care, as is evidenced by the lack of commenting affections bestowed on that last post, but i finally did manage to score some mega m&ms. i had to go to the filthy k-mart to get them, but now they are mine!

    just as a side note, i would much rather we had a wal*mart in the community than the abomination that the k-mart is. at least the wal*marts in albuquerque were clean, inviting, and friendly. this k-mart near us looks like it was established a thousand years ago, and whoever was responsible for properly maintaining the store stopped caring nine hundred years ago. the floors and ceiling tiles are all browned and worn, and the lighting is so poor that any time i head down an aisle for something, i can’t shake the feeling that some large guy named brutus with a tattoo of the jolly roger on his arm is waiting in the shadows to make mince meat out of my naughties.

    yikes! omg. i guess i have been neglecting my blog lately, huh? :-/

    a couple of different reasons are at play here.

    last week, after having overlooked my health for *seven* years, i finally went to the doctor’s office, seeing as how i have this magical thing called "health insurance" that promises to laugh at me whenever i ask for it to cover medical expenses. a couple of pokes, some prods, a turn and a cough – i have been put on zyrtec to take care of my allergies. i’m a bit distrusting of allergy medication, since all it basically does is block the histamine receptors in your body from having reactions to the stuff that is relentlessly attacking you, regardless if you are on pills or not. but for now, it has definitely aided in preventing some of the nasty "non-smoker’s smoker’s" cough that i have been plagued with for the last several years.

    the downside of this drug is that when i take it at eleven pm, shortly there-after i become wearily exhausted and pass out like somebody has unplugged me. which has been very odd for the past couple days since i first started; i tend to normally get my second wind usually around midnight. i start to feel a surge of energy well up inside of me, but then the anti-histamine asserts itself by making my body recognize it’s authority, resulting in a very awkward feeling when i drift off into the happy land of funny elves and cake throwing midgets.

    for example, the other night when i was laying in bed and staring up at the ceiling, my mind came up with a brilliant plan for how i can get next monday off from work – i’ll just simply find a native american indian and offer him some land in order that he grant me the favor of not having to work on monday. right about then i figured that my brain was already under the control of the medication, as i began thinking up the weirdest shit i could imagine. it reminded me of the katamari franchise of video games – either the creators were smoking a grip of weed, or were heavily doped up on nyquil to have come up with so complicatedly whacked a series as that.

    i probably don’t even need to really say what else has been pre-occupying my time lately… i’ll give you three guesses, and the first two do not count.

    i’ll even give you a hint. ‘rhymes with "sashley."

    practically every night for the last three weeks has been spent on the phone with her. these aren’t short conversations, either. most of our calls last a minimum of three hours. our longest "chat" went on for nearly six hours – and took two phones since the batteries died on the first one i was using.

    she drives me positively crazy in all the right ways. with literally every phone call, we talk until we are exhausted, and then almost fall asleep with each other still on the line. it takes us a good ten minutes just to say goodbye, and by the time we finally do manage to disconnect the call (usually myself doing it, because as she says, she can’t bear to hang up on me), we both drift off to sleep within a few moments after.

    i gots me a favor to ask of all you. lemme give you a bit of the setup first, though:

    ashley works for a store that is forcing her to do mandatory inventory for the next several weeks. this entails her having to travel to each of the different stores in her state, working insanely long shifts. her birthday is next week. the last four birthdays she has had were none too pleasant. it would give her and i no greater pleasure than if she can spend her birthday on a trip to visit me. however, that mandatory inventory means that she can’t get any time off what-so-ever until it is all done.

    this thursday morning, she has an interview for a new job. if she gets this new job, she will be able to quit her current job, freeing her up to be able to come and visit me. as far as the inventory goes, if they have to assign somebody else to the task, they will, but she was picked arbitrarily at random and can’t back out of it unless she leaves that job for something else.

    both of us would greatly appreciate it if you would pray/send good thoughts/chant good voodoo spells to grace her with the best of luck regarding this interview. if she doesn’t get this job, she and i will end up having to wait another several weeks before we can meet each other in person. while this is not the worst thing in the world that can happen, she and i would much rather she have a good birthday spent with me, instead of tediously counting merchandise in the freezing warehouse of a store.

    i’ll letcha guys know what develops as it does. thank you much!

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