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12.31.2005

we sometimes catch a window - a glimpse of what's beyond 

i’m gonna break with "tradition" and forgo the whole "new year’s resolutions thing" for 2006. let’s all be perfectly honest – how many of us actually follow through on any of the promises we make to ourselves each january? not many.

how can i say that with such confidence? probably because people usually start complaining around march or so at how they failed to uphold their resolutions, and that it’s all just an exercise in self delusion anyhow.

instead, i’m gonna make a few predictions for what 2006 will bring. here goes nuthin':

~
at the fortieth super bowl, the half time show will be interrupted when trent reznor of nine inch nails suddenly starts having sexual intercourse with pop star shakira on stage, which will immediately be cut from the air replaced with a hyper-suggestive viagra commercial starring bob dole and britney spears. the controversial half time show will end up becoming the only topic anybody talks about for the next two years.

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as part of the backlash from this scandal, the fcc will begin censoring everything, including people’s minds. thoughts that are not pure will be strictly forbidden, and punishment for having a dirty mind will be in the form of painful electrical shocks delivered via mandatory brain implant chips.

~
despite such stringent control over everything by "big brother," er, i mean the fcc, fashion trends will somehow continue to become more and more risqué. victoria’s secret will release a line of underwear that is made with invisible materials, and teenagers will wear clothing that have pictures of their genitals printed directly on the fabric.

~
a deadly plague will infect millions of people, and george w bush* will be blamed for it.

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fox will introduce a hit new reality show, "smash!," which will feature traffic light mounted camera footage of idiotic drivers crashing into each other at intersections. the program will be sponsored by geicco, annheuser-bush, and paulsen’s funeral homes.

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hollywood will begin the year of the remakes of remakes. audiences will be treated to interpretations of last year’s interpretations of classic original films that were infinitely better than any of the shitty remakes tinsel town "produced" in 2005. towards the end of the year, look forward to the re-makes of films that haven’t even come out yet.
(ritual seppeku knives will provided at theaters for those patrons who wish to end their misery with honor.)

~
we will learn that the real reason nick lachey and jessica simpson broke up is that just like her younger sister ashley, jessica can not "perform."

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jennifer anniston will viciously murder several orphan children to get back at angelina jolie for stealing brad pitt from her. the two women will later have an emotional healing special on oprah where they forgive each other and run off to cancun as lesbian lovers.

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kirstie alley will lose forty pounds. then gain another seventy. then lose ten more pounds. the title of her show will be changed to "occasionally overweight actress."

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as oil prices begin to rise back up again towards the summer of 2006, a federal investigation will reveal an enron-like scandal among the top petroleum companies. the economic devastation will financially ruin thousands of companies and cause another stock market downturn. george w bush will be blamed.

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global warming, deforestation, pollution, and anything else harmful to the environment will combine to form "super stormquake '06," which will destroy 95% of the landmass on the planet and kill billions of people. george w bush will be blamed.
(al gore will take refuge on the moon, laughing maniacally at the throngs of suffering people who failed to heed his warnings.)

~
will ferrell will make a new film in which he stars as a loud, annoying jackass who is completely different from all the other loud, annoying jackasses he has played so far.

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in an effort to introduce young kids to the works of shakespear, miramax will adapt the story "hamlet" into "omg wtf lol!," which will star a bunch of nasally hip 'tweens' who are plucked from various third-rate kids programming on the disney channel.

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oscar the grouch will no longer live in a trashcan, as this will be challenged as "insensitive" to people who are homeless.

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doctors will determine that fat is bad for you. after some research, they will announce that fat is good for you. several months later, they will declare that fat is once again bad. people who are genetically obese will still be shit out of luck.

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the public education system will discourage giving lower grades to students who don’t answer test questions correctly, since this can have a negative impact on a child’s self esteem.

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once again, we will be denied the awesomeness that is the flying car.

~
and if i’m really really lucky, i’ll meet another women who i will eventually have sex with, prompting the second trumpet of the apocalypse to sound.

happy new years ya’all. drive safe. hope to see everybody next year. :-)

* (dante would like to publicly state that in no way, shape or form does he endorse george w bush, however he is rather disgusted by how many people blame seemingly irrelevant and outrageous shit on the president. get a life, people. he’s either a super intelligent evil genius mastermind behind every conspiracy known to man, or he’s a retard incapable of performing even basic tasks like snacking on pretzels. he can’t be both.)

** (dante would also like you to know that he has nothing against retards who are not able to eat pretzels.)



  • 12.27.2005

    countless ways you pass the days 

    every couple of days or so, i begin composing a new entry for my blog, and at some point, either what i was writing becomes invalidated, or i just don’t feel like what is shown on my screen is reflective of what i want to say to the world at that point in time. i confess that a large majority of what little writing i have penned lately has largely been solely for myself and as such is locked away in a file, or just merely deleted with the ease that my laptop provides.

    in a way, i think that is part of why i so ardently love computers. you can take volumes of data, and just completely strike them from existence. you have control over the fate of information.

    wish the same was true for memories. not that i would want to delete any of the memories that i have, since all of them serve to build the person that i now am, and the person i am becoming, but there are certainly little nuggets of thought that i would be more than happy to shove into a locked file and not concern myself with for many, many years.

    that having been said, there is not a whole lot of noteworthiness going on in my life at the moment. for the most part, i go to work, and i come home. i try to hang out with friends, and more often than not, they are too preoccupied with other commitments to devote any time to socializing. i don’t care to go to clubs or bars, because frankly i just don’t ever feel comfortable at either of those refuges, and there aren’t really any community activities that i could go get involved in. i would love to sit down and practice all of the drumming knowledge that i am slowly absorbing, but in order to make way for our christmas decorations this year, my kit is currently sitting disassembled in cases, stowed away in a corner, which means they are basically non-accessible for the time being. i’d go out and take some photographs, but after using a wonderful manual slr digital camera, i just can’t bring myself to go back to hauling around my bulky point and shoot digital, now that i have experienced the true joys of everything i loved about photography having been brought together in a piece of technology i’ll not soon be able to afford.

    basically, i am just merely existing, and frankly not really even sure why. it’s the biggest question on my mind, and there won’t ever be an answer to it. you all are well aware of how often i speak of the tons of unanswered questions that float about in my mental sea. by now, i have come to basically acknowledge reluctantly that they will continue to go unanswered long after my soul has quietly departed from this world.

    i lack the motivation to go out and actually do anything. most of the ideas i have, whether they be film or musical in their nature, all require the assistance of other people. since i lack the appropriate avenues of help, most of my concepts are slowly vanishing as with most other ambitions i once possessed.

    it certainly would make perfectly logical sense that as soon as i attempt to commit myself to laughing off whatever happens to me, a ton of overwhelmingly annoying events (to me, anyway) would occur that would instantly destroy my resolve to not give a shit about anything.

    like when the downstairs bathroom flooded once again, a year to the day that it did last year. once more, i found myself dutifully having to spend several hours scrubbing human waste from nearly every surface of my bathroom a day before christmas, and drying out the first several feet of carpet at the entrance to my bedroom that got soaked by the horrid deluge of sewage. it goes without saying that this whole situation displaced me into a rage of furious anger.

    however, once i got over the whole germophobic anxiety laden panic attack and went about cleaning up the mess, i conjured up the will to discover a sort of ease of spirit, and accept things for what they are. i wasn’t happy about it at all by a long shot, but at least i was able to take up the passive resignation that sooner or later, this (pardon the pun) shit was bound to happen once again.

    three hundred bucks later, after the toilet had been ripped from the floor and several feet of snake sent down our septic line to remove the buildup of roots and other flotsam, the toilet *still* clogged up no less than twenty four hours later and has once again been rendered unusable until we can afford to contract yet another service person to resolve our plumbing troubles. truly these are tests of my patience as i once again find that most of the things i used to take for granted are no longer available.

    (in addition to the bathroom fiasco - our garage door opener has taken to intermittently refusing to actually open the garage door, sometimes opening it a foot and then ceasing, or simply not opening at all; as well, we have ruled that further use of the garbage disposal in the kitchen is impractical, as even when my bathroom is functioning normally, the majority of what we grind up in the sink ends up being vomited back up through the drain in my bathtub)

    and that’s about as exciting as my life gets. unless you count the sizeable chunk of flesh that was painfully scooped out of my index finger when my hand got jammed inside of a sugar dispenser at work last night. or how my bank account is now overdrawn after i miscalculated my finances slightly during this year’s christmas shopping.

    christmas was good, though. a nice, relaxing stress free day. i didn’t have a care in the world, and i found that as we opened presents, i willingly conceded that even if i didn’t get anything that i wanted, i was still happy. or exhausted. it’s hard to tell, sometimes.

    point is, very little was able to phase me that day. as i sat on the couch two hours after christmas had ended, giving way to boxing day, with "momo’s dance party" playing softly on my laptop, a copy of neil peart’s novel "ghost rider" in my hands, and a wickedly powerful rain storm, complete with brilliant flashes of lightning and awe-striking rumbles of thunder surging along in the background, i experienced the first truly transcendentally peaceful moment in all of 2005.

    and then tomorrow was here.



  • 12.16.2005

    are the liberators here; do i hope or do i fear? 

    as part of my "not taking myself so seriously" endeavor, i offer you up this image for your consideration.

    the sad truth.jpg

    i figure that if i can’t laugh at the fact that i’m not getting any, or how i don’t seem to have any opportunities to do so anytime soon, then i’m still too wound up in myself.

    it’s all part of the zen. i gotta be able to laugh at myself and ridicule my trappings with ease. to do not is to be too stiff and rigid.

    besides, it’s about the only other alternative i have at the moment. obviously since regardless of what i do, i end up either sabotaging my chances with women or ignoring/overlooking whatever slim possibilities may exist, there are two ways i can react.

    i can get horribly angry and go about living as a bitter, cold, pissed off shell of a person, or i can laugh it all off and tell fate to go fuck itself. might as well take the more light hearted option. being consumed by rage didn’t really make any difference on things. it’s entirely probable that laughing things off might not work out either, but at least i might move a bit closer to happiness.

    ironically, it would be pretty warped if i ended up being happy in life only by chuckling at how everything in the world is designed to work against me. but, considering how crazy and random life generally seems to be, i’m not sure if that would really take me by surprise.

    at any rate, i’m sure that allowing rage to foster inside of me is probably not a healthy thing. besides, i’ve been contemplating over the last few months how emotionally immature i really am. if i can’t deal with a minor situation such as a faux relationship that has troubled me greatly for most of this year, how on earth would i even handle something more significant? something that mattered?

    i’ve been tempted to complete erase the last several months worth of blog posts; at least, the ones having to do with my complaining about the way things went down between monica and i. the more that i read what i have written, the more disgusted and irate i become that i could have allowed myself to develop into such an overly dramatic fool. every word feels like an anchor dragging me into a bottomless ocean, gasping for air as my body gives up to the depths.

    however, i will not delete them. i can not destroy my writings. i’m not one to selectively pick and choose elements of who i am. certainly, all of the events that happen in my life contribute to who i am to become, and to disregard each of those pieces (regardless of whether they are desirable or not) would be to not acknowledge the complete image of the person that i am.

    which is to say, unknown. i have yet to figure out just who the fuck i am, and i’m starting to realize that i never will. for the most part, i just seem to be a faceless observer who studies and seeks answers to impossible questions.

    there is a lot that i have to come to terms with. it’s not going to be easy, by a long shot. there are going to be parts of me that will refuse to ever accept things the way they are, and insistently challenge for a better explanation. the problem that i have discovered, is that there are no absolutions. the more i contemplate things, the more i understand just how futile everything actually is. i suppose the best solution is to discontinue searching for meaning in the futility and to just enjoy the chaos.

    for the moment, i am done with trying to find somebody to be with in life. while i will always still want to share my life with a companion, it’s becoming fairly obvious to me that i am not meant to succeed with things of a romantic nature – at least not anytime in the foreseeable future. either something about my personality, or the way i think, or even possibly divine intervention: it’s not meant to happen. a large part of me is taking this news fairly well, though there is still a tad bit of final resistance and bitterness regarding this conclusion. but i can not keep touching a hot pan on a stove and expecting to not get maliciously burned. at some point, i have to move on and eliminate my attempts if all they ever do is produce the same general outcome. consider this the scientific method of deciding that i’m destined to be by myself.

    in truth, this option always existed, yet i staunchly refused to accept it for a long time. a significant proportion of my nature is automatic defiance and rejection of any mandate, so it’s understandable as to why i would express such aversion towards this eventuality. i’m still having a tough time wrapping my head around everything, but i suppose that with time, i’ll just move on and develop other uselessly trivial things to worry myself ill over.

    one final question in this whole envelope: is the slight inner sadness and resignation at being alone better or worse than the sadness and depression i used to get whenever i attempted to make romantic connections and failed?

    i don’t suppose there is an answer to that.

    go figure.



  • 12.10.2005

    wise enough to win the world, but fool enough to lose it 

    damn.

    i’ve been taking myself way too seriously lately. that shit’s just gotta stop.

    the other day i was reading over my posts, and was fairly discouraged by how negative all my writings have been lately. obviously, i am more than aware of what i write, but seeing it in print on the web kinda… i dunno. made me stop and think.

    there are two sides to me. two *very* distinct and opposing sides. one is the analytical thinker – the obsessive compulsive nitpicker that is so tightly wound that if i were a coiled up spring, the slightest disturbance would launch me to the moon. that’s the part of me that absolutely has to have balance in everything – visually, physically, verbally, anything. most of my disappointment in life comes from this personality. for some crazy ass reason, it actually *expects* certain things and conditions in life, even though logically it recognizes that nobody is guaranteed anything in life. this is the part of me that drives me absolutely insane, mostly because it keeps getting stuck in mental circles and can’t ever reach any decent conclusions. i suppose i should have paid more attention in math.

    then there is the fool. the class clown. the part of me that doesn’t take anything serious, not even myself. the part that believes in respect, but that it should be earned and not freely given away. the part that thrives on anarchy and secretly delights when things go to shit just so that he can revel and dance about in the chaos.

    i need to spend more time with the latter of the two. a lot more.

    perhaps that would help to keep me a bit more sane in the membrane. the only times i tend to get depressed are when i actually give a shit about anything. whenever i make a vested interested in something, my hopes tend to get dashed. i’m starting to better understand some of the principles of zen. the whole “order in chaos” theory. i need to become more zen.

    i mean, really. obviously, as far as physical maturation goes, i think my body is just about done. this is it. this is how i will look. unless i pursue plastic surgery or get horribly maimed in a violent accident, i’m pretty much stuck with this appearance.

    don’t get me wrong. i’m actually comfortable with the way i look. but i’m also not stupid. i fully understand that as far as society is concerned, i am not sexually attractive at all. that became quite obvious in high school when all the girls were flocking around other guys and not me. it’s obvious whenever some "hunk" comes wandering into the store, and every woman present nearly pisses themselves as they try not to stare at him – yet hardly anybody ever notices if i am there or not. i just kinda blend into the scenery, regardless of how flamboyantly i carry on, and tend to get lost in the background. so, as much as it infuriates the analytical part of me to do so, i’ve come to the conclusion that the only way i’ll ever snag the sexual attentions of horny women is if i were to become a famous musician or filmmaker. even then, i’m not entirely sure.

    (regardless of how i write this, i can’t seem to *not* make it sound like i’m some whiny teenage girl fishing for compliments – my apologies)

    but, if tom petty can get women, i think there’s still a chance for me.

    i am attractive in my own right. i know that. my friends know that. but, let’s not kid ourselves. if i were as handsome in the eyes of society as people try to imply, i think there’d be way more women wanting to hang around me. as it stands, no. there are not. why should i care?

    i’m not even sure if i do anymore. i dunno if it is zen to become *totally* apathetic, but i’ve begun taking on the realist approach to things. i know that i will die. someday, probably long from now (since there have been many, many times where i could have but did not), and then that’s it. life moves on, just not for me. to deny or ignore this aspect of existence would be immature. my life will not continue forever. someday, it will come to an abrupt end. i’m pretty much cool with that. it doesn’t really bother me anymore.

    every now and then, the anal-retentive side of me becomes embroiled with rage at this concept. if there is no point to anything, why the fuck bother to do anything? why bother making films and forming romantic relationships when regardless of what i do, i’m still gonna end up as a corpse in the ground?

    the fool in me gets a big laugh out of this self-imposed anguish. perhaps because the futility of it all is in its own way a form of anarchy. you can’t control life and death. they are forces of their own. you just gotta go with the flow, and accept that to each end there is a beginning. and vice versa.

    this past year, i have only been focusing on the negative side of things – pretty much because i keep taking myself too seriously. it’s ridiculous to expect that i should be in a happy relationship right now. or to think that i deserve riches wild and fantastic. nothing has been promised to me. nor will anything ever. nothing may ever go right in my life (and that seems to be the path that i am destined to travel), or everything may go splendidly. it’s all left up to chance, and fate. the best i can do is keep an open-mind, and try to stay positive about it all. even if nothing that i want ever comes to bear, unless i interrupt the process, i’ll pretty much just keep existing until my time is up.

    the problem i face now is getting my ying and yang to coexist peacefully. i’m not sure it can be done, but if so, i think that would help me a lot.

    or drive me nuts. i guess i gotta wait and see.

    sometimes though, it is just really, really hard.



  • 12.06.2005

    come tomorrow may i be bolder than today 

    (originally started on monday evening)

    let’s see if this can happen before i gotta leave for work in twelve minutes.

    usually my posts require a bit of time to compose; editing takes an hour or so (even still i end up with tons of errors) and if i get distracted, the process takes even longer.

    i’ve decided to refrain from signing onto instant messenger for now.

    so far, that gal has not been back into our store. she and her friend frequented us for over a month, and now two weeks have gone by without so much as a hint of her or her friend anywhere around. i even asked some of our regulars since she occasionally would hang out front on the sidewalk with them, and none of them seem to have any idea as to her whereabouts. point taken. yet another missed opportunity.

    i suppose i have a couple more thousand of those to go before i begin to experience any degree of success with women again.

    becca wanted me to participate in a blogging meme where the subject states ten random factoids about themselves, and then request ten others to follow suit. maybe i can nail this list out before i gotta roll off to work. maybe not. i can’t really stop or lose focus if this is to happen.

    1. when i was in preschool and kindergarten, my best friend was a girl named courtney. we used to hang out all the time, and would present each other with gifts. one time, she gave me this toy school bus that i absolutely loved, until our teacher mistakenly thought during show and tell that i had taken it from courtney, and demanded that i relinquish it. i threw a tremendous fit over this, and both our moms actually had to physically come to the school to inform the teacher that the toy was in fact mine and that courtney had given it to me. i haven’t seen or heard from her since my family moved away from pennsylvania, and i have no clue what became of her. sometimes i wonder if she even remembers me, and what might have happened had i not moved away. i suppose it is entirely possible to suggest that she and i could have ended up dating and becoming high school sweethearts. alas, that did not occur.

    2. there are several hundred ideas for projects coursing through my head lately. i’m attempting to establish the means to pursue as many of them as possible, but i doubt even half of them will ever see the light of day. it’s a shame, because any number of these could be the “one” achievement that nets me some attention, and develops some exciting career opportunities. most of these are fairly ambitious beyond their means, and the majority of them require assistance from other people in order to be executed correctly.

    (the free time i had before having to leave for work has elapsed. i didn’t figure there was any way i could make a post like this happen in less than a half hour, which is part of why i am a bit angry that going out to dinner and returning home took as long as it did. i’ll hafta finish this up when i get home at about twelve thirty am)

    3. for the next couple weeks, i have the pleasure of borrowing and using a friend’s brand new nikon digital slr camera. i am quite excited about this, since taking pictures with point and shoot cameras is rather annoying. obviously the disadvantages of automatic cameras force you to develop your creativity in order to deliver the results one seeks, but sometimes i like to exert more control over elements of my photography that i just can not get from my current digital camera. i’ll be posting some of the images that i have managed to capture so far in a few days. i’m afraid that i will probably seek to purchase my own nikon digital slr in the near future – a wise decision since i intend to resume my still photography hobby, although this investment will of course set me back about a thousand dollars or more once i throw in the memory card, a lens, and all the other accessories that go along with a sleek tool such as this.

    4. my germophobia is so pronounced, i wash my hands about every two or three minutes while at work. i just can not help it. there is a surprising amount of unsanitary conditions in this line of work – emptying the trash cans, cleaning up other people’s messes, stocking and spot checking the restrooms, and any other housekeeping that is required in order to maintain a presentable atmosphere for our customers. not too mention, our heavy use of sugary syrups means that just about anytime you make a drink, you are guaranteed to end up with sticky hands. thus you either have to wash the stuff off, or suffer with having anything you touch adhere to you. additionally, my hands have become so dry from the combination of excessive washing and the cold weather that my skin has been cracking and splitting. there are a number of cuts and sores on my hand that have refused to heal since there is no elasticity left in my epidermis. to rectify this situation, i invested in some hand creams and lotions from williams sonoma this weekend.

    5. for now, my absolute favorite band is rush. i am obsessed with studying neil peart’s drumming methods and technique. ever since i started listening to rush a few years ago, various aspects of peart’s playing style have begun to influence my own drumming. u2 was the band that i was listening to when i started learning the drums almost ten years ago, and a lot of my education came from mimicking larry mullen jr’s sound. once i got a fairly good handle on how he plays and what motivates him with drum parts, my attention started drifting in search of other drummers to study and emulate. carter beauford of dave matthew’s band has so foreign (and creative, of course) an approach to rhythm that i doubt i will ever begin to grasp how he comes up with the shit that he does, but with rush, i have found that despite the complexity of their material and the odd-ass time signatures they employ throughout their catalogue, peart’s percussive muse and my own speak a common language. mind you, it will be a long, long time before i ever come even remotely close to playing a fraction as awesome as he does, but i at least am able to understand and progressively figure out the concepts that he has mastered. the album vapor trails is currently the cd that sees the most action in my rotation; this is significant in that before recording this record, neil peart spent six years in hiatus from music altogether after a couple personal tragedies left him searching for a reason to live – similar to the sort of malaise i am now experiencing in the wake of monica.

    6. just about every night now, i have at least one dream that involves an airport in some way. either i am wandering about departure terminals, eating at a concourse restaurant, or driving through a parking structure. spring says that her dream book interprets this as a sign that i want to travel or move forward with my life, but that i am currently stuck in limbo while waiting for the correct flight. i’d say that that is fairly accurate. she felt that the definition seemed to be written specifically for me. also, i keep having dreams of this one particular city. as i have said before on this blog, my belief is that dreams are something like another state of waking that we encounter, possibly as alternate reality. the amount of people that i witness going about their daily lives in this uber metropolis is far too high a number for my imagination to just be coming up with at random. i don’t know the name of this city; i simply have designated it as “’the’ city.” every time that i dream of this place, i end up seeing different parts of it. i know that it is near a large body of water, because there is a port and some dry-docks. the rail system is fairly complex, and there is a commuter train which i have ridden on that provides service from the downtown area all the way out to several well developed suburban communities. there are tons of skyscrapers, and many of the buildings have giant glass crosswalks that connect one another high above the busy streets.

    7. vans are the only shoes that i wear now. anytime that i was “lucky” enough to get nikes or reeboks as a kid, they tended to last barely six months. even though i’m not a shoe fanatic, i do have about eight pairs of vans that i have bought over the past six years in various stages of wear. this number does not take into account the pairs of vans that i have put through such stress that they were in fact ruined. generally in my experience, vans will take a lot of brutal punishment and keep on going, but there have been some circumstances where i overestimated the awesomeness of these kicks and ended up destroying them unintentionally.

    8. my mind exists as different constructs at different times. sometimes i feel like my brain is a giant room that is lined with a wraparound couch against the wall, populated by tons of people hanging out and carrying on various conversations. other times, it seems like my mind is a giant tunnel that information takes forever to pass through. there is always music playing in my head. this usually prompts me to whistle or snap my fingers, or tap my hands against any available surface in time with what i hear mentally. if i knew how to read and write musical notation, i’d be able to express more clearly some of the concepts that i have. however, since i lack this ability, i find it rather frustrating that i have so many clearly defined ideas that i just can’t make other people understand. in my attempts to alleviate this disconnect, i have tried to learn the guitar and piano, but my extremely short attention span and lack of effective time management have hindered my progress. perhaps in time i will be able to either overcome these obstacles or learn to use them to my advantage and articulate some of my thoughts.

    9. one of my philosophies is that everything, and i mean *every*thing can be broken down into simple concepts and elements. for all the complexities that humans have, it really is not too difficult to draw a comprehensive understanding of human behavior. some people would point to this mentality and ask how i could possibly believe in something so complex as an all powerful God that created all of existence, but i look at that particular subject like i would gravity. God exists whether you acknowledge God or not, just like gravity does. most people don’t spend their time sitting and dwelling about how they are firmly rooted to the ground; they just take it for granted and don’t give it much thought. it is just there. that’s what i think God is like. God is just there. no amount of believing that God does exist will change God’s existence, just like no amount of believing that one can fly if they simply concentrate hard enough will result in a person levitating off into the sky. returning to the theme of simplicity, sometimes it bothers me that humans are so reluctant to express their true intents and desires and instead seek out roundabout ways of articulating themselves. i think there is this intense fear that whatever we say will be misconstrued and so people hide themselves behind falsehoods and censored thoughts. the freedom of speech has never nor will it ever truly exist, since anything we say ends up being tempered and interpreted in whichever way that those who hear or read our words choose.

    10. there are two shelves in my room that are reserved for die-cast model cars. since i lack the means to purchase and store a collection of full sized automobiles, i have to make do with miniature representations. the star of my collection is the fiery red 1959 cadillac eldorado biarritz convertible, which sits on the middle of one of the shelves. it is the ultimate car that i wish to possess someday as an actual vehicle. however, i wonder if my longing for the car is more satisfying than actually having it would be. everybody seems to continually advocate that the journey is its own reward, and that sometimes the means are better than the ends. this frightens me, because if this is true, i’ll never ever really be happy. i just want the damn car.

    even though the original concept was to post only ten facts, i am making an executive decision that this meme goes to eleven.

    11. recently, i have encountered great confusion as to what love actually is. i’m coming to accept the fact that i’ll probably never understand it, and to be on the safe side, would be better off just not trying to deal with it or encourage it at all. as much as i was trying to deny it, i *thought* that i felt love for monica. a lot of people that i talked to opposed this conclusion, and told me that what i was feeling was in fact, *not* love. so, if what i *thought* was love actually was *not* love, than what the fuck *is* love? assuming i ever end up with another woman again, and possibly start to feel the exact same way, should i continue to believe that that is not love and dismiss it as something else? i don’t get it. this whole situation has left me so befuddled that i doubt i will ever have any concrete answers to the many thousands of questions i have. perhaps it is best for me to just not bother with love or romance at all, since clearly my perceptions are hopelessly misguided. people say that when love is there, “you’ll know,” but that is a huge boiling crock of shit. i thought i “knew” that it was love then, and everybody seemed adamant to convince me otherwise. what the fuck? somebody needs to explain this shit to me, and in a way that my pitifully immature self can understand. otherwise, there is no way i’m ever gonna succeed in finding out what love is. or enjoy it, for that matter.

    well, there you have it. eleven random facts about me. as always, i took my sweet time writing it, and ended up posting this a day after i originally started it. now comes the turnabout.

    i am to ask ten other people (no, wait.. eleven) to play along and get crackin’ with some factoids. the victims are as follows: spring, lois, wyntir, kelly, mandy, cher, monica, masato, cogent, allison, and fox.

    can’t wait to see what everybody’s posts are like. go forth and blog.


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