never again is what you swore the time before 

this should be interesting.

for the first time ever since i moved away from so cal, i shall be returning to manhattan beach this weekend specifically to attend the manhattan beach old hometown fair, a fall event the likes of which i haven’t attended in over seven years.

i’m not even sure why the fuck i am going back to it anymore. originally, after my residency was teleported to cooler climates, the goal for making an exodus down to this street carnival was the optimistically slim hope that perhaps yours truly would happen a merry gander at the young miss erin again. even though i had transferred out of mira costa to south high in torrance after freshmen year and lost the opportunity to check her out on a daily basis during my educational enslavement, one of the few guaranteed chances i had to see her was at this particular annual gathering.

every year, without fail. dolled up in her greens and yellows, the official school colors of my first high school alma mater. marching down the avenue with the rest of the drill squad and cheerleaders in their oh-so delightfully magnificent skirts, preceded by a couple dozen semi-lethargic students cresting various musical instruments of a high school band nature. later on in the afternoon after all the pomp and what-not, she could usually be found hanging out at any number of mira costa sponsored booths, either in an assistance capacity, or just cheerfully fraternizing with various hottie acquaintances.

sad to admit that i had this all documented out in my head. what can i say? i keep tellin’ y’all i’m a bona fide loser.

however, after my family relocated and the years moved steadily on as they are unstoppably persistent to do, my initial drive and purpose for seeking this venue lessened to the point where it seemed fairly questionable as to why i would even harbor such a desire in the first place. especially after the involvement or whatever with monica, my feelings have been somewhat hampered towards that maiden idyllic crush.

so why bother going? fuck it. i’m going anyways. every year, i have felt at least some amount of an urge to return, and each time, some mitigating circumstance or other manages to creep along into the works, gumming up the machine and fouling my agenda. last year, understandably it was due to my having been reduced to non-existent financial standing, thanks in no part to having spent the last of my savings in the pursuit of film making (a decision which i still do not regret in the least). the year before that? i don’t even recall. i believe monetary reasons prevailed as well. before then? prior obligations, the likes of which could not have been adequately met at any other period of time.

recede back far enough and the reasons break down in simplicity until you get to the point where the only thing that hampered my voyage was the lack of suitable automobilage to facilitate such travel.

but not this year. i think perhaps that is one of the only reasons for which i am actually making this journey – basically because i finally can. nothing at this point currently stands in my way. i possess the fundage, the transportation, and the availability to make it all happen. think of it as a personal triumph. finally, the odds will have been beaten.

(ya know, one would think with the overall shitty luck i have been experiencing this year, that i would exercise a fair degree more caution when tempting fate. nope. not only am i a loser, but i probably failed to mention that i’m not all that bright, either.)

of course, the entire trip isn’t just about spending an afternoon browsing arts and crafts displays that dot the thoroughfare of a bustling surf community while secretly hoping to possibly steal a glance at a former object of attraction. additionally, i will be devoting some quality time with my good pal craig for a couple days. while the present itinerary is focused on working towards the completion of some of the afore-mentioned tasks to our cinematic efforts, a screening of serenity seems to have introduced itself into the works.

i also will be granted the pleasure of meeting up with miss cogent from cogent diversion, for a saturday mid-afternoon meal taken at the greatest of eateries to pay homage to when one finds themselves in the metropolitan los angeles area - fatburger. i have a feeling that the company should prove to be most acceptable, and there will hopefully be much positive socialization.

of course, i’ll be lugging my new laptop down for the stay. while i’m debating on whether or not to bring the digital camera as well (i don’t want to haul too much stuff), i certainly will at least have my precious computer, should the need arise that i find myself in situations demanding of sufficient processing power. perhaps even a couple lan games with the wunderhund, if he feels so up to the challenge (he’ll more than easily school my sorry ass). i might even post an entry if a convenient (and free) wifi network presents itself.

now… if i can just figure out where the fuck i am staying while i’m down there… then i’d be set.

  • 9.22.2005

    the road unwinds towards me, what was there is gone; the road unwinds before me, and i go riding on 

    holy shit.

    it is extremely hard for me to believe. wait. no, actually it is more than plausible. one year ago today, craig, monica, aaron, tony, drew and i all gathered at the administration office of an apartment complex to shoot the final major segment of principle photography for our freshman introduction to film making, land of entrapment (aka loe). that night hinted at the amount of fun and joy we *should* have encountered while filming *all* of the material we managed to get in the can (er, cassette cartridge) over the previous two months spent sweltering under the unforgiving desert sun in the great state of new mexico.

    however, those eight weeks were a bit more of a struggle than either craig or i would have cared for, as we dealt with such annoyances as a couple of finicky cast members (sadly, the lead actor and actress both), scheduling conflicts, irate location managers, equipment/technical issues, and other assorted trouble spots that popped up throughout our valiant endeavor. regardless of all the strife and punishment, there was quite a lot of fun and enjoyment to be had as well.

    and now, a year has gone by.

    it’s definitely been an… interesting year, to say the least. a significant number of you who read this blog are more than familiar with my exploits, or lack thereof. sigh.

    i’m trying hard not to get all nostalgic. but if you know me… and some of you do… it is very difficult for me not to. what can i say? i’m a masochist and am deathly in love with torture.

    a bunch of you have been asking when you will finally be able to see land of entrapment for yourselves. the short answer? hopefully soon.

    there is still a bunch more post-production work that craig and i have to iron out before the film is presentable. we almost have the final running time for the film nailed down (currently hovering way short of our original 90-minute goal, at only 74 minutes), and pretty much all of the scenes have been cut and edited to craig’s ultimate satisfaction.

    additionally, we still have color correction, digital matte work (i can now proudly stake my claim as a digital matte artist), music and audio to finish up. once all of the final elements come together in the next couple months, we will be able to finally put this canine to rest and begin to focus on what is next for 505 films.

    our current target release period for the film is sometime around the holidays at the end of this year. maybe. that’s not even close to a promise. craig’s *original* plan from the very beginning was to ideally premiere the film on the one year anniversary of when production wrapped (today). yeah, obviously that won’t be happening. the fault doesn’t really lie with anybody. we’re just working our damndest to make sure that what we present to the public is actually worthy of your attention and respect.

    we’re just about there. it just requires some patience.

    of which, i lack. horrendously.

    since this film is quite possibly one of the more monumental undertakings of my life thus far, understandably it (and the experiences surrounding it) have become a benchmark by which i measure myself and where i am now. what i come up with is… kinda depressing.

    as i have more than bellyached in writing before on this site, round about since january, this has been a terrible year (post-production for loe aside). after we wrapped shooting on the film, that intense let down feeling of not having anything more to do has enveloped myself (and to some degree, craig as well – in my humble opinion, anyways) and has remained ever since.

    there are two places that i see. the first is of a happy person, very much enamored with the woman he is living with, and having a total blast for the most part while he seeks out his dream of making a movie. i see an independent. a pathfinder.

    and then i see a loner. almost a failure. all that he had that made him happy is now gone. a shell of his former self. the high, like all, was short lived. i finally had found my utopia, and nearly an instant later, it was ripped from me. i knew all along that the joy ride had to end. i had no real choice in the matter. the stars had already been aligned.

    i just wasn’t nearly enough prepared for the traumatic blow the path back down would be. damnit all, listen to how shitty this is. i can’t ever seem to hoist myself out of the shallow lake of pity i perpetually find myself drowning in. what the fuck is wrong with me? craig and i set out and accomplished something that a lot of people will never get the chance to do. we took a common dream, and built upon it; forging ahead and allowing for one moment in time the exposure to the awesomeness that comes when you dare to step out of line from the system, and blaze a frightening new trail of your own. there’s a lot that i should be happy about, and even more to express pride in.

    so how come all i can focus on is how broken i feel?

    all i know for certain is that in one year from now, i sincerely hope i am able to accept all the things that i presently do not, and that i have figured out what to do to find my own inner happiness.

    as much i hate to admit it, it is a personal journey that i will probably need to face alone.

    but in the meantime, here’s a drink to all the people who supported our psychotic adventure, whether they were parents, good friends, or strangers we met along the way.

    it couldn’t have been done without you.

    now… let’s all do it again. ;-)

  • 9.17.2005

    i clutch the wire fence until my fingers bleed 

    once again, a large portion of the dreams that i have been able to remember lately involve airports in some way. there are two possible reasons that i feel this may be the case.

    one – the obvious dissection. i am supposed to travel somewhere. where exactly this phantom location may be i know not, but in time i suppose some kind of sign as to where i am to end up will make itself known.

    two – the deeper analysis. my subconscious is totally pissed that i am passively approaching life and wants me to make some major changes. if this is the case, too the fuck bad. my subconscious can go kiss my pasty white ass since i don’t really feel inspired to do much of anything with my life lately except for veg out in front of my new laptop since that is the only thing i have demonstrated moderate success at doing.

    i have recently (as of last evening) come to the eventual conclusion that i positively hate working on friday nights. thankfully, i didn’t have to work all the way until closing last night – i was scheduled to head out a bit earlier than that.

    the main reason for this attitude is that the majority of our clientele on friday nights happen to be couples out on dates. happy couples. couples that seem to be in love.

    people, try to realize something here. it’s not like i sit in my room and intentionally conjure up images of romantic partners kissing and having a good time together in order to make myself feel like total shit. really, i don’t.

    i don’t *need* to.

    i see it firsthand for eight fucking hours every friday night at work. one after the other. it never ends. at some point, you really want to leap up onto the counter and scream at everybody to just go the fuck get a motel room already and to leave us the shit alone.

    if i were given a dollar for every customer that made out with somebody in my line, i’d be a richer motherfucker than bill gates. i’d probably be richer than sam Walton if he were still alive, and his fortune wasn’t spread out amongst his offspring.

    hell, the one couple alone that couldn’t seem to do one damned thing without sucking each other’s faces off (and i mean, anything – reaching into their wallet, ordering their drinks, handing me money, receiving their change, taking their drinks, walking out of the store – fucking revolting) would have given me enough money to drive away in a ‘59 cadillac while giving them the finger in stereo.

    where the shit am i supposed to meet people? clubs just aren’t my scene. i can’t fucking stand clubs. all of the clubs within a reasonable distance of me all charge extremely high fuck cover fees, and that doesn’t guarantee that you’ll even meet anybody one you’re in there. that’s just to get in the fucking door.

    so where else is there? the book store? anytime i’m in there, pretty much everybody is deeply buried into some novel or other tome. people don’t go to bookstores to get approached by complete strangers. they go there precisely the fuck to get away from all the loser nobodies that encroach upon their personal space everywhere else to begin with.

    community college? what the fuck would i study? i don’t even want to study anything right now. why enroll in a class simply to meet people if i know that ultimately i don’t give two fucks about the academic aspect of the course? once again, i’d be paying a fee just to simply be around people in the first place.

    so what the fuck does that leave me? online? 99% of the people i know via the internet live at least one hundred miles away, minimum. the rest of them are pretty much spread out across the entire fucking country or way the fuck on the entire other coast. no matter where i go, it always seems to be the wrong place regardless.

    all i do then is stand at work like a zombie, hopelessly disgusted by the endless amount of affection being demonstrated before me countless numbers of times. it is enough to drive a sane person completely bonkers to the point of shitting on their own belongings and eating out of a sack of garbage. there’s no way to block the torment; i have a front row seat, dead center. and there is always an encore.

    tonight, i will go to bed without having somebody to kiss, or even hug. damnit, nobody is even willing to hold my hand. there is so little contact in my life right now, i don’t even feel like i fucking exist. the only time i actually do feel anything is when i punch my desk or the wall out of frustration or anger. that at least provides some kind of tactile stimulation.

    damn it all to fuck. i hate friday nights.

  • 9.13.2005

    horizon to horizon, memory written on the wind 

    understandably, i have been rather preoccupied with my latest acquisition.

    oh. my. God.

    it is incredible how good it feels to have a working computer that does precisely what i ask it to. now, if i can just convince the new anti-spam feature of my inbox to not classify *all* incoming mail as spam, i’ll be set.

    so, yeah. i went for the system that i mentioned in my previous post. securing the loan was easier than i thought, and not only was i able to tack the cost of my new laptop onto the end of my auto loan, i was able to refinance and get a lower interest rate for my car payments! awesome.

    it’s kinda funny that now that i have a working computer that i am able to rely on, it has been a full week since my last post. she has enjoyed pretty much all of my free time over the past few days. this whole last week, i have been annoyed at having to go into work since it robs precious time away from me that would rather be spent playing around on the new lappy. of course, since my job happens to provide me income to *pay* for said notebook computer, i suppose that it is a necessary evil.

    i’ve worked a few morning shifts in the past couple days, and i re-assert my absolute hatred for waking up early in the day. the few times that i was scheduled recently for eight am shifts, my body actually felt physically ill at being awake at so early a time. and despite having sufficiently large bowls of kix for breakfast each day, i somehow manage to end up feeling like a starving peasant that has had little to feast upon over the course of his life. yet, and here is the kicker – both times i ended up supremely hyper for the entire eight hour period of which i was at work. since kix doesn’t have a whole lot of sugar in it, I am at a loss to explain why I was so active. somebody care to explain to me the logistics of such a situation? either i am bi-polar, or some funky shit be going down.

    as usual, my dreams lately have been incredibly vexing and leave me in a confused state as i continue to blindly figure out what reality actually might be. considering how the actual flow of time decided to accelerate a bit more over the past couple weeks, i am starting to worry about what might be up. yesterday morning, as i lay in bed contemplating how i had to actually drag my sorry ass up and about, the hour of bullshit time that i had padded into my schedule seemed to disappear in a little less than ten minutes. other people that i have spoken to seem to agree that time is going by at an alarmingly faster rate, and yesterday at work i nearly gave one of my bosses a heart attack when i mentioned to her that two hours had elapsed since one particular conversation we had been having earlier. she had even warned me about not jinxing the fact that the day was going by like it practically didn’t exist, and yet it still managed to pass with hardly anybody catching up to it.

    lately… there have been these extremely odd… occurrences. i’m not even really sure what an appropriate term for them might be, but i’ve been racking my brain to come up with something adequately cool. I’ll probably settle on “temporal convergences.” if quantum science and advanced physics are someday able to establish unquestionable evidence regarding these experiences, i ask that you inform them that i already came up with a badass name for them.

    the best way that i can describe it is sort of like an out of body experience coupled with massive déjà vu. essentially when it strikes (at random, of course), for a moment, i feel as if i am connected with myself in other periods of time when i have felt the same way or will feel the same way. it’s not just a normal sense of “i’ve felt like this before;” more so it is rather like if i closed my eyes, i would not be able to tell you what year i was currently existing in. is there such a thing as telekinetic time travel? i’m not sure.

    specific examples might help. the other day, i was enjoying a shower, and i closed my eyes for a moment. the window was open to help deal with the accumulating steam, and a gentle but assertive breeze made its way into the room and sent a chill through my body. i froze for a moment, feeling as if i were unable to move, and i was strongly reminded of this one time way back in high school when we were living in redondo beach, and a cold breeze blew into the bathroom that i was at the time showering in. now, i know fully well that pretty much anywhere that different pressurized pockets of air exists will experience wind and breezes and the like, but this particular breeze (as it felt in both times) had a certain quality to it. is it crazy to tell you that it seemed like these two breezes felt as if they had a personality?

    basically it felt like i was back in the first instance of this memory, as if it were happening for the first time. way more than simple déjà vu. this was some kind of wierdass wormhole through time shit, something like what was demonstrated in donnie darko. i guess my mind has finally cracked to the point where i am incorporating elements of fictional motion pictures into my reality. who knows? i’ve always thought to a degree that i am probably just some psychotic whacko… maybe this is evidence that i truly am fucked up in the head.

    i dunno. the strange thing is, my friend nick up in the city has been having some odd experiences as well. he has commented to me that on more than one occasion, it seemed as if his surroundings dissolved from summer to fall, literally before his eyes. what with the tsunami and katrina, time speeding out of control, and now these odd situations… maybe the rapture has commenced.

    after all. craig did predict that the beginnings of the end of the universe would be after i finally got laid. i’m starting to think he may have been correct about that.

    i mean, hell. i finally have a sweet-ass computer again.

    *knocks on wood, and then locks the door to go hide*

  • 9.06.2005

    take a page from the red book, keep them in your sights 

    i’m in love.

    and she costs fourteen hundred dollars.

    twelve hundred after the mail in rebates.

    today (the 6th), i’m gonna head on over to the credit union and try for an addition to my auto loan so that i can then cruise to the local fry’s and pick up a new electronic paperweight… a 2.0ghz - 1gb ram - 100gb hd - 128mb ati radeon - 15.4” widescreen ultrabright hp zv6000 seven and half pound paperweight, to be exact.

    excitement wells.

    knowing my luck with computers this year, this could end up proving to be a phenomenally ridiculous mistake. but, we’ll see…

    on sunday morning, before i woke up at around noon, i had some vividly detailed dreams. however, since i didn’t make any real effort to concentrate on committing these images to memory, they were quickly lost, and at this point, i can remember only that i initially remembered them extremely well. there was an immense amount of specificity that still lingered in my mind even after my brain rudely snapped back into consciousness, but all of that information hastily vanished. i totally hate that. i remember that i remembered the dreams, but i can’t remember any particulars about those dreams. talk about a mind fuck.

    unlike monday morning’s dreams, during which i dreamt that i was a drummer posing as a guitar player in my friend’s band that long ago went defunct, and then later found myself playing the roll of a gigolo who provided much needed love to sad and lonely women.

    since craig was in town this weekend (as well as last weekend), masato, craig and i took the opportunity to go over a couple of sequences in land of entrapment (loe) and see what all might need further improvement. we also held an official 505 films pre-production meeting for phonies, the screenplay that i scribbled out some time ago, and began brainstorming again to see if we could possibly salvage a phoenix from the ashes. it wasn’t actually until masato had left and craig was in the bathroom after he and i had tossed some potential storylines back and forth when my mind was blindsided by a remarkable epiphany. hopefully by alluding to it, i am not forever jinxing myself with a curse over this particular project, but i really do feel as though the immense amount of struggle that i suffered with this particular film concept may finally have reached an end. for months, there has been this tremendously ominous cloud that hovered over me and prevented anything productive to become of what i had initially started, and for once it appears as if my muse was able to manage her way through the mire in order to provide me with some insight long overdue.

    which pleases me greatly, because frankly it had been the bane of my existence. now i just need to get my act together and pen a new draft of my opus and see if we actually have a workable film to shoot on our hands.

    but then of course comes the question of money. to be continued…

    over the last several months, i have almost desperately been trying to hang out with people more and more. thankfully, it has finally begun working. in the past week or so, i have gotten to hang out with a bunch of friends and associates a bit more often than usual – and the difference in my attitude has of course been incredible. as i keep saying, i feed off the energy of people, so any chance i have to hang out with others is a welcome change from the doldrums of just sitting in my room and moping about the futility of it all (which admittedly actually does have some degree of merit in the end). i think what i really need after all is a fully active social life in order to be happy. enjoying the company of friends really does affect me in strongly positive ways.

    mind you, i do enjoy my own personal space and time as well. even if i do eventually end up with a significant other of the female persuasion, one thing that is essential is that i still retain the freedom to set aside a portion of the day/week that grants me the opportunity to simply exist on my own for a while. that may not seem to be clearly conveyed through my posts, since normally about all i am capable of doing is whining about how i am so depressingly alone, but i do actually cherish the down time every now and then.

    just not several *years* of it. sadly, the quest still continues. i’m not even sure if it will ever come to an end. perhaps i am one of those people who is meant to journey forever by himself, only i am not quite aware of it just yet. i definitely am hoping that this is in fact not the case, because i honestly do not feel like i could handle that kind of situation. but i suppose that truthfully, if certain destinies are unalterable and forever must be as such, then i wouldn’t really have any sort of choice in the matter. regardless, it sure would be nice to get some kind of concrete resolution handed down to me firsthand regarding this issue.

    it would seem though still, that is a bit too much to ask for at the moment.

  • 9.01.2005

    well i'm taking my time, just moving along 

    sometimes it seems as if the universe goes out of its way to make you notice something. as i have mentioned/complained about before, i usually am not all that skilled at picking up on subtle clues being tossed at me from the swirling force that is life, but every now and then, there are certain things that tend to stand out.

    usually, it has something to do with music. in the last couple weeks, there have been certain songs that have gone to the trouble of making themselves be noticed for some reason or other. for a while, anytime i hopped in my car, either before or after work, at some point during my commute the song “joker” by the steve miller band would find its way into the rotation on the radio. since i would be in transit at varying different times throughout the day, this coincidence sometimes felt like there was something a bit more to it. do you ever get that feeling? like perhaps the “random” events happening in your life aren’t really as random as they may first seem if you weren’t paying all that much attention?

    the same went with the song “foreplay/long time” by boston. lately it has been “t.n.t.” by ac/dc, and “china grove” by the doobie brothers.

    i’m not quite too sure what exactly i’m supposed to be getting from these songs. you have to understand that i take my music very seriously. it’s one of the ways that i feel that God actually does speak to me. some people are skilled at being able to blindly open a bible up to a random page, place their finger on top of a verse, and it turns out to be exactly the verse that speaks to their current issues. i have never been able to do this. usually whenever i attempt this, i tend to end up at some random passage discussing how such and such was begatting so and so. it just doesn’t work for me.

    but normally, i can pose a question to God, turn on a radio or a random mp3 playlist, and get floored by how most of the selections seem to have personal messages directed straight at me. so when one or two particular songs tend to show up more and more in my life without my conscious doing, i have to stop and wonder what exactly that might mean.

    there are usually other things as well. just yesterday, on my way to work, i began to contemplate how most of the cars with a certain color were standing out to me. what was it about that color that seemed to be drawing my attention more so than others? is there some significance to it, or just something that happened to be calling more notice to itself than usually might be?

    nowhere more evident is this type of analytical scrutiny present than in my dreams. the number of references and items of note that stand out in my dreams usually seem to do so for specific reasons, even if i may not ever actually figure out what they are. certain locations and settings keep cropping up, and some actions or events tend to repeat themselves throughout the years. oftentimes i wonder if these are just memories of some original dream, or if there is a deeper reason as to why my subconscious dug the material out again for re-examination.

    overall, the problem is that i tend to overanalyze stuff and try to find meaning in anything. while i do believe that everything happens for a reason (even the small, seemingly insignificant stuff), sometimes searching for an answer tends to only yield more questions, if anything else. at some point, it just becomes a huge game of second guessing everything, and ultimately, i spend way too much time hunting for clues in things that may in fact be meant to remain as complete mysteries. the final frustration comes when i struggle to identify that which is intentionally shrouded in eternal mystery, and that which i am supposed to pick at to gleam hidden insight upon.

    i’d comment more about it, but frankly it’s starting to make my head hurt again.

    sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar, i guess.

    smoke if ya got’em.

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