he holds the questions to all the answers 

let’s do this.

getting fired for what essentially was a blog at the time is something spring wanted to know further about. just about two weeks before my parents woke me from a dead sleep to watch as the flaming wreckage that previously was the twin towers collapsed onto the streets of manhattan, i had posted some material on my website regarding some issues at work.

the bulk of the content was related to how i had made a horrible fuck up while duplicating graduation tapes for a college we had video’d the ceremonies for, and how all the time i had spent setting up the transfers was a complete waste. throughout the course of my online diatribe in which i berated myself, i insinuated that i would likely not receive compensation for the time and work that had been lost, and my boss had every right to feel betrayed upon reading this.

at the time i was feeling shitty that i had made such a simple mistake, and was attempting to convey that i was in fact not worthy of receiving income for that day, but my boss figured i was implying he was stingy and tight with the money. fact of the matter was, he was one of the best bosses i have had, and had more than aptly compensated me for even the simplest of tasks around his office. when he read my blog and saw the offending post, he called me up to inform me that from now, to not come into the office everyday and that he instead would call me should any other work that needed to be done arise.

he never did call back, and i took that to mean that my employment was over.

a very stupid and costly mistake.

the darling jen (808) chimes in greedily with several items she desired elaborations on:

5. my family’s frequent migration was not militarily related.

radio broadcasting is a fierce and volatile market, and happens to be the vocation my dad so chose to pursue in life. as such, whenever a station or network presented a better offer for my father, or he fell victim to corporate restructuring, we found ourselves in transit to another city. this pattern contributed to our steady decline in financial groundings, and has at times left us teetering on the brink of total ruin.

thankfully, we have managed to bounce back each time, with varying rates of increased stability along the way.

10. someday i’ll find it… the rainbow connection. the lovers, the dreamers, and me.

the rainbow connection is the ultimate goal that jim henson’s merry band of muppets hit the road in search of in their first feature length film, which was released the year i was born. essentially it represents anything that we strive for in life.

44. a significant proportion of my near-death experiences strangely happened to coincide with bicycle riding. how many have there been?

when i say that i feel lucky to be alive, i’m not just passing another line. truly there have been numerous amounts of times where my biological functions were greatly in threat of being ceased. i have nearly been run over by several cars while riding my bike, fell off my bike into the path of oncoming traffic, almost been run over by ironically a police officer speeding out of a blind alleyway, and many other harrowing situations that easily could have ended in my annihilation.

very interestingly enough however, i have yet to break any bone in my body *knocks on wood*. i figure that it is only a matter of time before natural selection finally outwits me and finishes the job.


no. you do not want to hear me sing.

nobody does.


lastly, yet certainly not leastly; sorry to disappoint you mrs. lane, but i have yet to figure out how to lick myself. it is a talent that every man strives for, yet ultimately fails at.

however i am more than capable at laying on the floor in the sun all afternoon, being a notoriously finicky eater, and possessing an odd sense of balance that at times gives me remarkably graceful finesse, and other times is completely non existent.

delightfully enlightening i certainly hope this has been, and as always, consider yourselves more than welcome to inquire anything further of which you express intrigue or confusion towards.

  • 6.25.2005

    lives connect in webs of gold and razor wire 

    frau lois suggested that i should compose some entries expanding on some of the facts that I presented on my 112 lines list.

    i am curious to know which items you, my blog audience, would be most interested in reading additional info on.

    may the requests commence!

  • 6.19.2005

    112 lines about just one guy 

    a lot of bloggers tend to have a page that details around one hundred or so otherwise unknown facts about themselves for other bloggers and web viewers to read and see. i figured it was just about the right time for me to sally forth and publish my own list.

    but i’m unique, you see. because i am a total dork and have recently fallen in love with 16-bit math, one hundred facts just seemed a tad awkward. presented to you now are actually *one hundred twelve* tidbits of information about me, which if you diligently punch into your handy digital calculator, you will see is evenly divisible by sixteen

    lucky you. there are twelve additional factoids for you to devour! don’t never say i don’t treat you guys all right.

    other goodies and special treats shall follow as well. soon.

    go now and read. it’s a fairly large list, so you get double brownie points if you actually do read all the way through it.

    112 lines about just 1 guy

  • 6.16.2005

    taking your chances you'll have the right answers 

    i don’t usually participate in blog games and survey things, but this interview provided by mandy seemed like it was cool. check it.

    the official interview game rules:

    1. to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
    2. i will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
    3. update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
    4. include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
    5. when others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

    · 1. gwen steffani, shirly manson, or tori amos?

    hmm… tough call. it’s mostly down to steffani and manson, because i’m not as big a fan of amos. there are a couple no doubt songs that i dig, but i’m more into the sound of garbage, so i guess shirly manson. as for who i’d want to nail? is “all three” an acceptable answer?

    · 2. hollywood makes a movie of your life. which star gets a surprise cameo? as who?

    christopher walken guest stars as johnny depp. hilarity and *censored* ensues.

    · 3. your chinchilla is having a bad day and doesn't want to be petted. what then?

    tell him it’s over and that i’ll mail him his belongings.

    · 4. you are struck with bolt of electricity. unfortunatly, there has been an odd side-effect...with certain people you have the compulsion to tell them exactly what you think of them. when you first discover this, who are you with and what do you say to them?

    oh shit. so *that’s* what happened to me…

    probably i’m near to some pretty looking woman, and i tell her that i think she would look great in my bed. i get slapped; she walks away. nothing new.

    · 5. you are asked to design an alien for a new movie, however, your budget only includes a pair of tube socks, some duct tape, and a debbi gibson cassette. describe the alien?

    the debbi gibson casstte is actually a life form disguised as a common household item (this particular alien has her decades mixed up). she uses her tube sock tentacles to attack people and tie them up with duct tape. her victims are then forced to listen to 80’s music – which doesn’t quite work as a form of torture (well, for some people I guess it might). the alien is easily defeated when sprayed with new coke by bo derek and geddy lee, and people go back to living their mundane lives, free from mildly annoying alien invasions.

    also, they rock out to rush.

  • 6.13.2005

    half the world thinks, while the other half does 

    two items for your consideration:

    first up:

    a new entry to my sketch gallery.

    as i was scanning this in after having recently found it, i was taken aback for a second by the date handwritten in the bottom right hand corner. 1995. i drew this image ten years ago. i’m amazed that the paper/graphite has still withstood the tests of time, considering how haphazardly i store my “valuables.”

    second item of note:

    this simple illustration

    contemplate it for a moment, if you will. depending on your predisposition, you will either immediately identify this cube to be coming towards you, or receding away from you. if you work your mind a tiny bit, you can switch back and forth between both perspectives. incidentally, this is a good example of a paradox – the absence of a horizon/vanishing point means that this cube can exhibit different orientations of itself at the same time without you having to make any alterations to it.

    the point of this test is to see what you initially determine. i’m going to guess that no matter what version of the cube you see first, you are always going to see that particular orientation each time you turn back towards it. basically, were you to close the image, and then re-open it again, your very first assumption of the cube from that first examination will always be the first perception you will see. of course, you will still be able to alter your perspective of it to see the other variation, but you will always have to do some extra work to alter your original interpretation of the cube.

    the same is true of “magic eye” 3d images. anytime you look at one, you are always going to be met with just a chaotic array of pixels, until you adjust your depth perception to uncover the hidden illusion; this is regardless of how many times you may have easily discovered the latent image before.

    last night in my sleep, mixed deep within some very interesting dreams, i began working out the problem of trying to ascertain if there ever is any real *right* way to experience the world/reality. just because we only see one tiny facet of existence doesn’t mean that others do not exist. the simple fact is, it only takes a small amount of concentration to force ourselves to distinguish an alternate reality for something, yet we hardly ever do this normally.

    and ultimately this makes me wonder just what exactly i may be missing by not focusing myself properly...

  • 6.12.2005

    some kind of drama live on the satellite 

    the evidence pointing towards the realization that my life is merely a television show devised for the entertainment of others (ala truman show) is steadily mounting.

    in what was perhaps an overly exaggerated cinematic moment at the oakland international airport, as i waited for dad’s incoming flight from new york, a young couple exchanged what could have been rated as the most disgustingly romantic reunion ever possible.

    i am dead serious when i say that i expected to look around and find a film crew rolling with a panaflex camera. as the guy made his way down the hallway towards baggage claim, his better half took off across the room in a full sprint in his direction, tears of overwhelming joy flowing down across her face. the two met in a powerful enough embrace that probably crushed the airborne dust that previously hung suspended in the space between them seconds before they were brought back together.

    they stood there in the same spot, tightly mauling each other for a good ten minutes; their faces hardly moving save from the almost illegal display of oral molestations going on in their mouths. considering the girl was wearing a skirt, i was half expecting to see the guy just drop trou and start aggressively nailing her right there (maybe i’m the only one who saw the surefire porno opportunity inherent in the moment).

    i suppose that i could have easily become discouraged in the face of such a revoltingly public display of emotion. ordinarily, i would be of the mindset to begin reflecting upon the intensely depressing fact that there exists not a single person on the whole surface of this world (nay, in the entire universe) who is even a tiny fraction as excited to be with me as those two seemed to be about seeing each other again. or i could have even been made equally upset by the staggeringly large number of women customers that frequented the store the other day named monica (quite a number of them even ordering her favorite drink).

    but i think i have just gotten to the point where i don’t even care anymore.

    either that, or i’m still one chill motherfucker from the badass massage i got on friday.

    the jury could go either way on that one.

  • 6.10.2005

    clinging to the wreckage of the lost ship fantasy 

    the last couple days have seen me mentally attempting to start a new blog post, and consequently ceasing before my fingers even touch the keyboard.

    earlier today, i actually did manage to type out a rather lengthy amount. normally this would be the point where i lament having lost such a piece forever to the digital gods due to web malfunctions, but thankfully i intelligently made the switch several months ago to *not* typing up my blog posts in blogger, but using ms word instead. which reminds me. if mozilla made a copycat word processing program that kicked as much ass as firefox does, i would shit myself with ultra satisfaction.

    however. turned out i wasn’t happy with that post at all. i’m trying to figure a lot of shit out in my head, and what i had written didn’t seem to be helping any. in fact, at points it even went contradictory to what is currently going on in the old noodle, yet just happened to naturally flow out because admittedly, i rarely ever actually think when i write.

    i would of course like to thank those who weighed in with comments of support and sympathy regarding my previous entry. it delights me endlessly to know that there are people out there who care and have an understanding for what i am going through.

    and exactly what i am going through is… i’m not sure. do i even refer to monica as my ex? technically, we never were actually an official item. i mean, sure. i lived at her place for a month, but since the decision from the get-go was to tread lightly and not get too deeply involved, i’m not even sure if it was an authentic relationship. more like co-habitation… with privileges. i’m trying not to be an insensitive ass (too late, i already am) with my choice of words here, but i’m totally drawing a mental blank. in fact, considering how limited the entire situation was, should i really be obsessing this much over it/her? somehow i can’t help but wonder if i am just severely over-reacting to the whole thing.

    and that is all just a tiny fraction of the amount of stuff swirling about in my brain. it has left me very tired and confused just trying to parse through all the endless data and come to some sort of peace with everything over the last few days.

    however, today for a change has been a good day. generally, my days do not consist of a whole lot. there is work, sleep, some food, and that is about it. the rest of the time is consumed with watching family guy or some other show, and expressing way more enthusiastic delight at such entertaining diversions than is sanely healthy. it really is embarrassing how obnoxiously i squeal with glee anytime something cool happens on tv. embarrassing, and depressingly lame. the only time i really allow myself to dwell on thoughts of monica and the whole situation are when i am in transit back and forth from work and home, and the annoyingly long periods of time between when i lay down for bed, and when i actually am able to fall asleep.

    but this morning i indulged in a pleasure i haven’t had in a long time – a full body massage. there was a lot of tension and stress packed into my muscles… after all was said and done and the massage was over, i felt as limp as a rag-doll and have been feeling slushy and jello-like for most of the afternoon. this light euphoria has transcended the normal apathetic mind frame i usually operate under, and simple annoyances that normally would send me into an intrepid frenzy of undirected aggression have managed to slide gracefully over me and disappear into a world of happy. it is truly amazing how immensely therapeutic it can be to have somebody spend some quality time kneading the hell out of your back. and arms. and legs. and neck. and face.

    eventually i am sure this enchanting high will wear off and i shall resume being the same dour, gloomy miserable sob i usually am. but for the moment, i am simply enjoying the ability to feel good. it is not often that i feel good in life, and even less likely for me to actually be happy. in an ideal world i would try to make an effort and unrelentlessly hold onto the pleasant and fight to keep it, but ultimately i realize this would only accelerate the process of my reverse transformation to my former self. as lester burnham says, sometimes you just gotta let go and allow the beauty of life to flow through you.

    i have an aggravatingly long way to go before i will ever be happy. but for now, i feel good.

    and that at least is a start.

  • 6.05.2005

    a world of indifference, heads and hearts too full 

    wednesday was a day that irrevocably changed my life. i managed to well up the confidence in myself and courage to tell a person that i deeply care about that i wanted to be with her. i figured that it was about time… i’ve been tearing myself apart for months in angst over monica, and i would imagine that at some point or other, she half-expected me to drop the bomb like i did.

    and as i pretty much expected, the reception was less than optimistically mutual.

    i’m not angry at her about it. how could i be? monica has to live her life according to what she feels is right – which means that eventually i have to accept the conclusion that in all probability, it does not include further romantic involvement with me. if anything, i am supremely angry at myself. how could i have allowed myself to become so attached? why did i so foolishly let my guard down once again, and what is it about me that eagerly continues to blindly engage in the kobayashi maru? when she and i first met, we both knew that nothing major would become of what we were getting into; it was more of a fling than anything else. something temporarily pleasant; a splendid time, and that was all.

    but when things fall under my concern, they are never clear cut simple. always must they develop extraneous complexities. it is one of my few strong unwavering talents. i’m not the kind of person that can allow sleeping dogs merely to lie; you would think that over time i would eventually learn not to tempt fate or expect a discrepant outcome.

    as you may have read in previous postings over the last couple months, i have been feeling a tremendous mixture of angst, aimless frustration, and anger. a lot of anger. mostly directed inwardly at myself, and largely for reasons i have yet to even fathom. the lack of insight into what exactly is creating such turmoil inside of me only operates to further strengthen the amount of despair and anguish that i have been torturing myself with for such a long time.

    truthfully, there is no good fucking reason for it at all.

    it would help to understand that several years ago, i really kind of gave up on the whole concept of love. to me, it seems ridiculously contrived to place such naïve stock in a “magical” force that can’t even be reasonably proven with conventional means. what previously love had meant in my mind was some mythical fantasy – idealism conquering realism in a vainly hopeful struggle. but that all died quite some time ago while i was figuring out my whole erin situation. ever since, i had been resigned to a glowing ember of forgotten emotion, lingering in the aftermath of such a devastating revelation. it makes far more sense to me that people become attached solely because of a heightened chemical stimulation – pheromones from one person encourages the production of dopamine and other wonderful hormones in another, and creates desire; desire to continue existing within easy and uninterrupted access to this naturally occurring high.

    almost as a rule, humans abhor change. thus, it makes completely perfect sense that the absence of somebody you normally associate with would indeed be cause for creating an imbalance in the way our psyche is able to deal the world around us – much like the withdrawal a drug addict suffers from when you remove their substance of abuse.

    to that end, the love that parents express for their children is essentially instinct at first. it serves no good to the propagation of a species to have a parent abandon their offspring before they have sufficiently developed the necessary skill sets to survive adequately in the world. over time, this connection develops into a form of attachment. i imagine that additionally, the combination of genetic material from both parents also develops a hybrid pheromone in the child, one which would normally be endearingly pleasing to both parents. this would actually lend explanation to why some mothers heartlessly discard their young after birth – if the child exhibits a strong enough pheromone similarity to a father the mother is unable to tolerate, there would likely be a potent chemical urge to remove the offensive element, regardless that she bore the helpless infant from her own womb.

    this may sound all sorts of bitter, but hey. what can you hope to expect from somebody who has been unendingly depressed since around the time he turned fourteen?

    all around me people are together. not a day goes by where i am unable to escape the almost disgusting proportion of happy couples that occupy this world omnipresently. i’m not talking about the people who are in wrecked failures of marriages, clinging onto some barely existent union. while i do have numerous shortcomings, i am not so dumb as to be unable to distinguish that there are extremities at either end of the spectrum. no, those miserable individuals suffer endlessly in a realm of bitter destitution.

    the majority i do happen to notice much more prominently are the couples that express such brilliant hopefulness and satisfaction in their togetherness. sure, many of the details of their lives may totally suck beyond all comparison – but it seems evident to me that so long as they have each other, everything else somehow falls by the wayside of moot points. it almost is as if their mutual “love” is truly able to conquer all the odds and challenging obstacles haphazardly strewn about their path.

    and i completely lack this.

    i don’t even know why i want it. it is said that people crave that which they do not possess. is this all there is to my dilemma? that simply i am just so selfishly spoiled to the point where i become bitter and disenchanted by that which i fail to acquire? i have such limited experience with these kinds of matters that i can’t even begin to formulate an appropriate hypothesis that could apply to my situation. just what the fucking hell is so deeply wrong with me?

    obviously i am not the first person to pose any of these questions. countless philosophers have wasted entire lifetimes and precious sanity itself in their valiant but fruitless attempts to adopt some sort of universal prognosis.

    ultimately, there is something else that attaches quietly to my anger: fear. am i to become embarrassingly infatuated with any and every woman that i come across? is there actually even a woman out there in the world who is looking for the person that i am (or eventually will be)? will i totally fuck up the golden opportunity while foolishly playing my money on the losing hand? time after time it has happened before; i have relentlessly pursued a dead-end while blindly ignoring the sure fire victory directly in front of me. am i really the hardcore sucker for a lost cause that i truly believe myself to be?

    perhaps before my life expires, some miraculous event will manage to shatter my cynical pessimism and allow me to find and embrace the inner peace and intimate relationship that i strive and long for.

    but somehow, i anxiously suspect this won’t come to pass for a long, long time.

  • 6.01.2005

    the world weighs on my shoulders, but what am i to do? 

    i may have quite possibly just done the potentially dumbest fucking thing i could have.

    and no, it wasn't the setting up of the online store.

    go and purchase my crap with glee.

    but as for the other thing, you'll find out soon enough....

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