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5.31.2005

it echos with the sounds of salesmen 

it finally happened.

i have gone commercial. if one were so inclined, they could simply point their web browsers to this link: link and visit my new cafepress store.

a word of warning: my stuff will generally lean towards the sarcastic/cynical/obscure side of the fence and may not be suitable or appreciated by all individuals alike.

but hopefully some of my merchandise will appeal to *some* people. i hope.

buy something already!!!

:-P



  • 5.28.2005

    in their own image, their world is fashioned: no wonder they don't understand 

    /he sets drink down on beverage counter

    dante: iced mocha!

    female customer: this isn’t what i ordered.

    dante: *reads name on cup* i’m sorry, sarah. what drink did you order?

    female customer: my name is nancy, not sarah.

    dante: *snidely* you are quite correct. that definitely is not the drink you ordered, is it?



  • 5.24.2005

    tried to believe but you know it's no good 

    most people at least are extended the courtesy of reaching a somewhat stable understanding of the ways of the world before the rules of the game abruptly change on them and everything dissolves into another befuddling mystery.

    i’m not even afforded that much anymore. barely am i able to come to any form of comprehension with just what exactly is going on in my life before the playing board is expeditiously tossed in the air, after which the upset pieces eventually fall where fate decrees they may. the seeds of hopelessness are swiftly beginning to set in as i am forced to painfully realize that i won’t ever be blessed with the slightest chance to understand any significant proportion of anything that happens or to what end it all means, and that i shouldn’t really even bother with trying to figure any of it out in the first place.

    this leaves me in a perpetually confused state, where i cautiously second-guess and endlessly question every minute possible detail until i find myself no longer sufficiently capable of handling any additional input. my brain for the most part shuts itself down and i am reduced to aimlessly wandering about my world as a disorganized mess of emotion and unrequited desire. always asking, never having the benefit of being bestowed a semi-plausible answer. worrying fruitlessly about all the signals and opportunities i blatantly yet uncontrollably ignore, and wondering if ever there will be a point to this disgusting array of insanity. this frustration rarely ever develops into regret… just the frightening prospect that somehow i have become horrifically misaligned from destiny.

    it seems now like the only moments of clarity are the exhaustive disconnections that occur right before i fall into a deep sleep. as i lay on my couch, either listening to music or contemplating that which has transpired throughout my day/week/life, there exists these fractions of seconds where all static cohesion in the universe shatters and there remains but one simple underlying truth.

    naturally then i either fall asleep and forget the entire episode, or instead i am violently jarred from this hypnotic state, forever losing the meditative insight as the frazzled chaos of reality descends harshly back upon me like a pack of viciously starving wolves closing in on their weakened prey for the final strike.

    and frankly, this has been pissing me the fuck off for quite some time now.



  • 5.22.2005

    gravity and distance change the passge of light 

    some recognition and congratulatiions are in line for my brother. this morning, after working and waiting for several months now, and struggling through numerous setbacks, my younger sibling walked away from a landing strip in florida with a brand new faa issued pilot's license.

    way to go, bro.



  • 5.18.2005

    show me beauty but there is no peace for the ghost rider 

    oh, i do suppose it would be rather considerate of me to gleefully fill you in on all the horrifically glorious details of my fantabulous holiday, would it not?

    fine. just be demanding like that.

    as was to be expected, the passage of time perceived was considerably way too drastic. as one travels the path of life and undergoes the effects of aging, many other things besides national currency tend to come under the influence of inflation. it seems just ten years ago that i could recall the length of an hour actually being somewhat closer to the universally adopted standard of sixty minutes, and not the horrendously reduced unit of inaccurate measurement currently active.

    perhaps the length of vacations only superficially appear unimaginably short due to the fact that during said trip, you aren’t really looking forward to anything else that will occur afterwards. however this of course is just my own meekly humble opinion; i am strongly considered of the mindset that verily few individuals while out celebrating their preciously limited freedom eventually become hopelessly desperate to return to the normal conflux of their everyday grind. thusly the relativity of time is such that only when you actually have something anticipatorily waiting in the wings does the space-time continuum liberally apply the brakes and leave you stuck in the number two lane during some disgusting cosmic rush hour.

    i actually returned to my current residence last night – making fairly decent road time no less. a matter of pride to me has always been my understated ability to bridge the gap between two destinations hastier than most other civilians are generally capable of. this is not meant to imply that i am so inconsiderately wreckless a speed demon. anytime you situate another person within the confines of my vehicle as a passenger, i can reasonably assure you that my tactical approach towards the giant stretches of asphalt that seemingly blanket this fair golden state reconfigures itself to a more neutral and reserved state of being. but the fact still remains that when my mind righteously sets itself to the task of spending as little time as possible in transit, i manage to find some legally juicy middle ground and exceed the normal expectancy.

    typically when recalling the tales of one’s adventures, most sane individuals prefer to logically start somewhere around about the beginning, meander lazily through the middle, and eventually conclude with what understandably was the end. thankfully, i am not so.

    sane, that is.

    the last couple days have been spent in the presence of a good friend, a confidant, and recently, a film editor. one thing i can always count on when hanging out with craig (actually, any of my friends for that matter), is that i’ll tend to walk away from the experience having had my mind challenged back and forth in yo-yo-like fashion until the string i dangle from becomes so decayed the toy eventually finds its way to the bottom of that box in the front hall closet that contains all the other seemingly forgotten about implements of enjoyment passed. ideally, this is inspired not solely by the chaotic wasteland that is my own deep internal musings, but rather the more than exemplary company with which i allot my time, and the stimulating conversations they are more than capable of provoking. in fact, the result of some of this interaction has proven to be a sort of inspiration, and barring any negative karmic consequences by having just vocalized upon my musings, will allow me to regain some creative ground that previously i felt had been reduced to nothingness.

    i am intensely pleased to report that the initial progress on craig’s cinematic opus is far greater than he had previously lead me to believe. sure, there are some spots that do require a little tlc and some lovingly judicious pbj, but overall things are hardly as bad as they were meant to seem. i would even go so far as to suggest that very possibly exists the opportunity for craig and i to more than improve upon the lessons that we (at times) painfully endured during our first joint venture last year and become fairly competent film makers in due time. if anything, there is an overwhelmingly renewed sense of confidence and hope that wells up through my soul and acknowledges that one day our sun too shall shine.

    however, there are other aspects of life that continue to plague me with utter bewilderment, almost to the point of sheer madness.

    on that note, flash backward further in time to this past saturday, when after six months i was reunited briefly with monica to spend what became a most enjoyable twenty-four hour period. as i am prone to do (part of the bargain when one is fixated upon the past), i once again rehashed all of my pertinent youthful memories while escorting monica throughout the south bay and its related territories. fatburger, palos verdes, the beach towns, bikini tops (and more) at target, and an evening with a lovely date at a dear friend’s post-graduation party place themselves amongst the highlights of our journey.

    in the process, i also managed to ruin the only pair of sneakers i had with me at the beach when the tide literally came in (luckily the sandals my family urged me to dispose of four years ago happened to still be hidden under the assorted minutia of my trunk), discover how even faster time has truly evaporated after encountering the offspring of the aforementioned friend’s brother now being seven years older than last i had recalled, lament the demise of a familiar old hotel that was truly a historic landmark, have extended some glowing praise from a stranger for being such a patient male companion to a woman shopper (men out there, trust me – there are props to be had for exhibiting some basic understanding when women enter consumer mode), embarrass two asian women who were deeply focused on sexual lubricants and receive prophylactic advice from a stoned jock within one minute’s time, end up lost in compton for an hour or so after eleven pm, blasted limelight by rush several thoroughly enjoyable times from the speakers of my convertible at 70mph with the top down in the carpool lane of the 110 freeway, innocuously ensconced in several incredibly delightful conversations, and potentially left monica’s roommate mentally disturbed after retreating to the privacy of her room and she and i crashing the custard truck as silently as was humanly possible.

    as we sped off south down the notorious los angeles freeway system before noon on saturday with the music turned up as loud as could be tolerated and the brilliant sun beating down on our faces, i felt this inner sense of liberating freedom – that down the road we traveled lay endless possibilities and the onramp to a new future. this was in considerable contrast to the final hug we shared before parting ways once again exactly twenty four hours later, when i tried my damndest not to focus on how invariably the recurringly short lived happiness in my life was perceptively being sucked down into an unforgiving black hole from which neither light or time can escape.

    did i happen to mention that despite my best and most sanely rational efforts, i increasingly continue to develop more deeply attached feelings toward this enchantingly wonderful vixen?

    dear lord.

    there truly is little hope for me at all.

    after several years of failed attempts and missed opportunities, i finally got to hang out with a good bud of mine from high school on friday. the last time we had really seen each other in person had been during sophomore year of the last stretch of our publicly provided state education. for a bit of time after this, our friendship was, for lack of better words, on hiatus until a couple years ago when we reconnected online and have since maintained electronic correspondence. between myself, richard, and a friend of his who joined us for the evening, we had a pretty awesome time. nobody escaped our wrath; the good folks at the manhattan beach fry’s electronics, some arrogant poetry pricks online, a handful of counter-strike geeks, and the crowd at hennesy’s down by the hermosa pier. it was good to reconnect with my past a bit more (not like i don’t try to force it usually anyways), and i can not complain about the lack of decent companions to have spent my time with. it goes without saying that now i have a significant wealth of comrades to look forward to usurping for moral support post haste my residency shift towards the los angeles way.

    but for now, i sit. here, at my own desk. sleeping on my own bed… er, floor. a special thanks goes out to richard who provided a relatively satisfactory video card replacement for my desktop computer (until i can afford to replace the high end card that went chernobyl on my sorry ass), which i am now employing to resume the otherwise evil tasks of which i command it. one task that i find myself focusing on at this point is clearing up free space on my hard drives so that i can actually have room to set aside for my questionable uses (collecting porn, as usual). an interestingly dynamic parellel is unfolding, as i begin to fade back into my regular life after this trip, i am as well reconnecting with my beloved computer of whom i have missed greatly for several months now.

    the only other task that occupies my mind currently are the reflections upon all that has passed recently, and the discoveries, lessons, and events that continue to develop as my life blunders along its merrily naïve way.

    as i have said before, about the only thing i could really complain about my experience this past weekend was how the whole adventure managed to end before i really even considered it to have begun.

    but ultimately entombed somewhere in the ending, i would fancifully imagine that there also is a new shiny beginning.

    so maybe perhaps there is some form of hope for me after all…



  • 5.12.2005

    a particle of mercy makes the color of right 

    re·cid·i·vism n. 1. the tendency to lapse into a previous pattern of behavior.

    it would figure that instead of packing clothing or gathering up the billion and two peripherals that i need for my electronic devices during my rapidly approaching trip, i allow my valuable time to evaporate by procrastinating on the computer with online chatting and mindlessly drowning in the endless stream of cards that solitaire sees fit to toss in my direction. in all likelihood, my original goal of superfluously handling any last minute travel preparations and getting to bed uber-early will fly directly out the window as i frantically pace back and forth at around two in the morning in a headless chicken-like fashion while stressing out about what i will likely remember that i forgot to pack an hour or two after i have departed.

    my work schedule today was a curious oddity – i was on the clock for only four hours this afternoon. towards the beginning of the week, when my vacation was still five days away, i pondered whether or not this one lone final shift that stood between me and escapist bliss would indefinitely stretch onward for an endless amount of time, forever holding me imprisoned in some sort of infinite occupational limbo. as it turns out, my duties passed by faster than i could have possibly anticipated and the minutes hastily count downwards on approach to the zero hour.

    this leaves me feeling rather queasy. once again, i have this horrendous fear that before i can truly comprehend it, the duration of this venture will have passed and instantaneously i will find myself returned bewilderingly to the same old depressing rigors of life. it should go without saying that this sort of anxious frustration bothers me to absolutely no end.

    more and more so lately i have been attempting (with limited degrees of success) to force a different outlook upon myself; to hopefully eliminate the x-factors that continually flip me back around to the exact same fucking starting line i always depart from whenever i take on some major derailment in my life.

    so far my most recent self discoveries have led me to concede that one of the biggest issues i suffer from is my annoyingly incessant reliance upon expectations. some voice deep inside of me keeps screaming that certain things should unquestioningly be so, and obviously i am consistently disappointed when the ensuing circumstances reliably fail to live up to the outrageous vision i originally had blown out of proportion. what i really need to do is come to fully accept the actual words behind my own personal mantra about random shit happening, and just deal with it already.

    why is this simple concept so inadvertently difficult to master? what is it exactly about me that continuously over-exaggerates situations in my mind beyond the point of conceivable reality? am i truly that blindly optimistic? desire then becomes nothing more than a terrible curse – it forces me to time and again apply unattainable standards to what otherwise is an uncontrollable existence. one of the definitions of insanity is somebody that repeatedly attempts the same thing over and over again, each time expecting a different response. does this mean that i am in fact, actually insane?

    perhaps the control freak pie slice of my personality concretely believes that everything should measure up to the ridiculously high standards that i foolishly establish. in the end, i have to remember to focus on the base knowledge that nothing ever in life is in fact guaranteed. there is not some wonderful romance waiting diligently for me out in the world; there is no fabulously high paying career or universal acknowledgement and established prestige. anything that i desperately want for in life must be valiantly won through backbreaking struggle and soul crushing hardship. only through manually applying myself and dedicating every waking moment to the pursuit of my dreams will anything of value ever come to fruition in the slightest degree similar to what i hope and pray for.

    meh. fuck that. i’m far too lazy to ever willingly undertake any overly strenuous labor, regardless of the potentially rewarding pay-off. in the meantime, i gotta go figure out something else to distract my mind with instead of being responsible and emptying the shit out of the trunk to my car so my luggage will fit.

    back in a couple days…



  • 5.09.2005

    sunrise in the mirror lightens that invisible load 

    pardon my customary sporadicism.

    my father’s side of the family is really not all that familiar to me. needless to say, i am not well acquainted with many of my relatives period, regardless of what path of ancestry they happen to hail from. you would think that with all the time my immediate progeny spent dwelling in southern california i would have had a greater chance to become acclimated to my father’s kin, seeing as how a significant portion of them lived less than a hundred miles away at the time. sadly, this did not resolve itself to be the case.

    the majority of those with whom i share the same moniker fall into the category of extreme senior citizenship – most of them live in mobile homes and are of the cheek pinching variety of family. this is the reverse of those along my mom’s lineage, who are of a comparatively younger generation.

    at any rate, one of my great-aunts from dad’s bloodline passed away the eve before mother’s day. she was one of the exceptions to my associations; a kind and fun elderly woman that had an enchantingly bubbly spirit. this matters greatly when the rest of your relatives unintentionally have a habit of putting you to sleep when in their company. she will be missed obviously, but i wonder how much, since ultimately i knew embarrassingly little of her.

    as it stands, the only deaths to occur in my circle of fellowship have been those whom i didn’t have any real strong emotional connection to. i feel that perhaps this is a severe negative, especially when one takes into account how dreadfully i fear the passing of my own parents from this realm. i haven’t really had a death violently touch me to the core as of yet. i don’t exactly anticipate it with welcoming arms, either.

    one thing is for certain, however. those who also call themselves by my cognomen tend to expire on saturday nights. whether or not this is an accurately reliable trend still remains to be seen.

    my patterns of slumber continue to undergo some odd transitionary phase. very often, i find myself waking up before ten in the morning, yet refusing to actually get out of bed (err, off the floor) until sometime around noon. i don’t typically return to a state of dormancy; rather i merely lay immobile as i contemplate how dreadfully comfortable i happen to be and reflect on how it always seems a terrible shame to disturb such a plateau of righteous contentment. conclusively, i tend to relent to the demands of this plane and finally do rouse myself, although admittedly with a degree of bitterness at having my few moments of delicious rapture in life rudely disrupted by the pre-requisites of others.

    so far this process has yet to negatively influence my employment obligations; i always seem to wake/get up within enough time to stumble into work, albeit stricken with a slight haze, occasionally being lifted from my mental fog ling enough to become mentally aggravated at the incessant lack of common sense demonstrated by our clientele.

    however this does seem to have intruded most vulgarly upon the days that i find myself not scheduled to work. whereas i tend to plan minutely detailed uses for the limited amount of freedom i am so graciously provided, customarily i end up squandering a less than satisfactory portion of my time by refusing to evacuate the chambers from which i doze. i suppose that the answer to why this has become so eventually will prove to be some incredible revelation or other into my character and my continued development as a person, but for the time being, i simply sigh in exasperation and relinquish my balance on reality in favor of the precious moments that i am granted each morning before having to go face the music, as it were.

    huzzah. in mere four days time, i shall once again return to the city of angels on a delightful excursion as i reconnect with several companions of mine whose presence i have missed greatly in the past several months. in the meantime, i am subject to a rather irregular work schedule that at the surface poses to become a rather bothersome hassle, when applying the proper outlook. very easily the impatience that serves to guide me could prove maddening in these final moments. it seems to me that on average, the terminal hours before a trip manage to become the excruciatingly longest and most painful to endure. seeing as how in contrast the remainder of a vacation seemingly evaporates into thin air, i find this grossly improper.

    it would appear to me that this post has begun to meander dangerously closer towards random babble territory, and in keeping with my desire to avoid such a criminal invasion, i shall now take my leave and return directly.



  • 5.01.2005

    would-be desperados clutch at plausible deniability 

    my intentions assuredly have not been to leave you caught stranded in a lurch.

    rather, my mind lately has become trapped by itself. a giant maze unfolds and erects within the walls of my soul, and despite the obvious futility of it all, i continue to send my energies boldly crashing into the stoic barriers in any vain possible attempts at escape.

    thankfully all is not yet lost in my life. there in fact have been some positive developments recently.

    first and foremost being that i was able to pay off the remainder of my sizeable debt towards a viciously evil cell phone company. which of course released me to then become a subscriber to another wireless carrier. forgive and pity me – some lessons in life seem impossible for me to actually learn.

    however, the damage to my credit rating has been done. most of my friends testify that i was pretty much the last person on the face of the planet that had any decent credit left to his name; my guess is that somehow i have lately gotten into the habit of recklessly abandoning any remaining trace of my uniqueness.

    the other bright ray of sunshine that has managed to penetrate the perpetual clouds of doom that i insistently bemoan hover over me, is that patience to some degree actually manages to pay off, if only slightly. after waiting a fairly long and arduous length of time for something to work its way in my favor, i have been extended the gracious offer to move back to los angeles under the employ of a film studio as a production assistant. my plans now have understandably been altered to reflect this interruption of pertinent data, and the tax refund that up until a week ago was rumored to become the foundation for a brand new desktop computer for yours truly has transitioned instead into a moving fund so that i may return to southern california and begin developing the oh so crucial contacts in hollywood that can eventually prove beneficial for the many who share my currently questionable career aspirations.

    writing wise lately – i just haven’t been feeling it. inspiration is a crafty bitch; she toys with me and haunts me to no end, all the while myself being fraught with desire to actually prove myself (and to myself) as at least a semi-decent writer.

    instead i have found myself just becoming utterly frustrated with the whole situation altogether. after earlier this week finally bringing the first complete draft of my screenplay to fruition, my short-lived rapture was rapidly overtaken by horror as i realized (painfully so) that not only was the majority of the document mired with dialogue hopelessly unrealistic, there wasn’t even a coherent structure or theme to the piece. there practically wasn’t even a story – merely a collection of random scenes interspersed over one hundred and eight pages of fruitless passion. ultimately i had succeeded in nothing more than a confusing exercise in fragmentation. at this point, about the only sane thing to do is take a giant ten pound sledge to the whole thing and salvage what i can from the shattered remains.

    it was also at this point that my script had successfully managed to overall mirror my own life. contemplatively i once again examined how, much in the same fashion as what i had penned, the trappings of my current mortal journey have been nothing more than seemingly random events chaotically strewn about a haphazardly accelerating timeline.

    thus returning perspective back towards my adopted mantra – life is but a series of random, confusing shit. then we die.

    i’ve stated this before, and i will continue to do so until somebody can prove me otherwise. it has become my one ultimate guiding principle. there is no order to anything; nor can any be expected. consequently, this evolving epiphany does little in aiding me with a solution for the predicament that now plagues me as i mentally curse a path towards typed redemption.

    but it at least serves to confirm several assumed truths as far as i am concerned, if nothing else. and that i guess is about the best i can wish for, given the circumstances.

    so, for the moment you have been satisfactorily acclimated to my current state of being (hopefully) – you do now realize that i am in fact neither deceased nor harboring plans to ruthlessly abandon you, despite any gossip that may have led you to believe otherwise. as long as people still express the shocking desire to ponder over my many banal musings, i wholeheartedly pledge to willfully continue assassinating the english.

    language, that is.


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