thoughts to keep well-hidden --- sacred and forbidden 

curse my impatient design. a plague to it say i!

forever is a concept that seems to apply to my life, as in nary before it shall the things i wish for actually come to pass. i don’t believe in this idea of “someday.” someday is several months after death. things need to happen, and they need to have happened yesterday. or last week, even. not ten years from now. not five. last month.

tired of the depression am i that the stressfulness of impatience continues to create, eroding away at the ever decreasing amount of humanity that is left of my person.

so great is my frustration right now that i want to destroy things. to pick up valued possessions, and shatter them on the ground, all for the satisfaction of having the illusion for some amount of control in what otherwise has become a course of comical disaster set on irreversible auto-pilot.

i want to scream at the top of my lungs until barely a whisper comes out. i need the answers to my many questions, and the end to all the confusion. i need to know who i am. i need to know what i am supposed to do.

the time for introspection and internal philosphization needs to end. self examination has worn out its welcome. my life itself needs to begin.

above all else, i just want to be happy.

but this continually seems to prove ultimately impossible.

  • 4.21.2005

    every spark a drifting ember of desire 

    ya know, sometimes everything falls upon one person who holds the ultimate power to either make or break your day.

    and thankfully, the assholes were all out in full last night.

  • 4.14.2005

    glittering prizes and endless compromises shatter the illusion of integrity 

    yeah, so i’m going to have to go with “stay off the sugar-packed caffeine drinks for 200, alex.” spending a late night worrying about whether or not i am going to go into diabetic shock is fairly shitty, i have discovered.

    time to step into the wayback machine for a moment. get your tape recorders out.

    attacks on the twin towers aside, 2001 was a fairly eventful year for my family and i. what had started off with both positive and negative influences from january on ended up dissolving into a rather bleak and depressing december that seriously questioned my resolve at continuing with life.

    among the highlights of course would be when i bought my first car. not even four months later that same year, i managed to somehow avoid being ticketed and arrested in los angeles for illegally trying to transport three people in a two-seater convertible (the other two happening to be minors out *way* past curfew and myself being 21), and around christmas time denting the front passenger-side quarter panel of my vehicle (also in los angeles) while attempting to squeeze through too narrow a passage for even a miata to get through.

    it was also the year that i attended the rather controversy-laden elca national assembly in indianapolis. flying back to california after that conference concluded, mere weeks before terrorists would reduce the world trade center to a smoldering pile of ash, i happened to find myself on a plane an hour out from denver that experienced severe enough mechanical problems that our pilot felt more secure in dropping altitude to almost a thousand feet lest he concluded the need to ditch the aircraft into a large enough field.

    amid a year of constant ups and downs, one bright singular moment that stands out in particular was when i attended the u2 elevation show at the hp pavilion in san jose. commuting down the 101 with my wipers doing little good to stave off the relentless precipitation, my mind couldn’t help but dwell on the anticipation that was welling through me at the moment. next to me sat a good friend; the brother to one of the most influential persons in my life, and a fellow musician who when he still lived within a few miles of me, collaborated on a rather sizeable number of jam sessions, the majority of which would last well beyond the insane hours of a night and often compromise the delicate sleeping patterns that my body more or less seemed desperate to maintain. he had moved back down to southern california several months prior to our concert outing, and was back in town to accompany me to see what a significant portion of people have labeled as “the greatest band in the world.”

    this was to be my first (and to this day, only) u2 show; my friend having been to at least several others and yet even still beyond excited at the evening that lay ahead. i had purchased our pair of tickets back in november of the previous year, just a month before he had decided that economic feasibility dictated that he was better served financially by shacking up with his prior roommates in the redondo beach area. it had been our oath to go and rock out at this particular show regardless of whether he had decided to move or not, hence he took some time off from his new job to head back to the bay area and join me in a night of eardrum-splitting madness.

    previously that week i had fallen victim to a number of budgetary cutbacks where i worked as a cubicle slave providing technical support via telephone for video game customers, and as such was in the handful of forty or so people who suddenly found themselves without job. so ended my first stint at that particular company (though i would return twice more), and after driving the contents of my desk and workspace back home, i proceeded to relish in my short-lived freedom by treating myself to a rather artery clogging meal at johnny rockets, and then idly driving around the san jose metropolitan area for the rest of the afternoon; just aimlessly cruising about like i often did during the summer of my senior year of high school down in so cal.

    several weeks after the concert, life would fail to demonstrate any signs that it was planning on slowing down. in that time, i would meet and eventually go out with a girl that an acquaintance of mine had been pining over, as well as end up at a videographer job that would ultimately end due to issues raised by the content of what at the time could have been considered the first official blog i maintained.

    all of this and more was a moot point when i pulled on the emergency brake for my car and set it to park in what truly resembled a sea the night of the concert – there is hardly any illumination in the shark tank parking lot (aside from a mild sickly green florescent glow), and with the non-stop rain we had been having over the past several weeks there was a substantial amount of standing water that weaved its way through the jungle of motor vehicles that sat there silent and dark, steam rising off the hoods of those that had arrived fairly recently as water flowed endlessly downward from the blackened sky. my companion and i made our way quickly through the maze of metal and concrete, shielding ourselves with jackets from the rain as the sounds of the gathering crowd intensified.

    after checking in at the front gate and picking up the required essentials for any show (t-shirts and programs), we fought through the throngs of fans as we slowly advanced around the building to get to our tier of seats. despite my logging onto ticket master’s website and programming their eight hundred number into the speed dial of my cell phone, all of the choice seating managed to sell out before i could even connect to the appropriate circuits and reserve two passes. in preparation (almost foolishly so) i had spent the previous night before tickets went on sale staying wide awake – somehow my logic seemed to figure that being un-rested would leave me in the perfect state of mind to fight silently with the thousands of other desperate show-goers who would frantically make their bids for whatever limited seating was still available between the time tickets officially went on sale, and the staggering thirty seconds later when not a single pass would be left remaining.

    as such, where we originally were to be seated totally sucked. perfectly fine for those audience members who are content to stare at musician ass all night, but not quite as good for people who actually want to watch the show. needless to say, we abandoned these seats fairly early into the opening act and took up residence over to the left of the stage, somewhere about mid level to the venue. from here we had a much better vantage point, perhaps even better than the hundreds of people packed like sardines down in the standing room only of the floor section had. sadly that area was cordoned off and actually guarded by event staff who were dutifully checking to make sure that anybody that was down there was meant to be. in hindsight, we probably could have made our way down to the floor, since the price for our tickets was no different from that of the general floor admission, but since we had found ourselves a choice spot to catch the show, we decided to forgo the hassle.

    to be honest, i could not tell you for the life of me who the opening act was without looking it up online somewhere or hunting for my ticket stub (i still have it, although its where-abouts broadly include my room and the boxes i have stored up in the garage), and even still, i could have really cared less. that they were decent i can recall, but since i was stuck in a more “main show” mind frame, anything that happened beforehand was immaterial. finally the moment arrived, the lights dimmed, and within ten seconds, any audible sound became mere indistinguishable noise.

    to say that the show was spectacular would be a gross understatement of witness. there are only so many situations in my life that are indelibly burned into my memory – the day i found out my grandfather had died, my high school graduation (but for entirely different reasons than most would assume), the first time i got laid, the first time i drove my new car, and when i saw u2 perform. the concert still ranks as the best that i have seen currently (i have yet to go to a rush show) and words can’t even begin to capture the elation i felt throughout the three and a half hours that they played non-stop.

    a striking side note that still consumes me with bemused interest was a mother and daughter pair who happened to sit two rows back from where my friend and i had meandered over to. throughout the whole length of the event, never once did they rise from their chairs or utter anything vocally, and from their eyes cast a rather curiously annoyed glow. i’m not quite sure what exactly was going on, but to this day in my mind i genuinely believe that they had no idea what to expect when going to such a large show. whether or not they were more accustomed to conservatively philharmonic-like events or they just didn’t care to be seated near to a bunch of hoarse-voiced screaming nut jobs is something i haven’t been able to determine. they applauded respectfully at the terminus of each song, but aside from that simple gesture they generally distanced themselves from what obviously appeared to be for them a most uncomfortable situation.

    the opposite was true for the vast majority of the remaining thousands sprawled throughout the arena. aside from the song “red light,” in which the crowd finally took a break to listen to just bono and edge harmonize up on the outer stage area, practically every other piece in the set was aptly complemented by anybody who was familiar with the catalogue. several times throughout the evening, bono simply aimed his microphone towards the floor crowd who dutifully took it upon themselves to fill in for the main vocals. while some people might find this interactive participation bothersome and distractive (as would seem the two ladies behind us did), it only served to amplify the general spirit of amnesty that was traveling back and forth throughout the attendees.

    every now and then the atmosphere transcended the trappings of a newly constructed hockey arena filled to the brim with scores of human bodies and approached a euphoric nirvana that the universe seems fit only to allot on a few occasions per lifetime. it was during these moments that i didn’t bother to worry about the fact that i didn’t have a job anymore. i wasn’t concerned with the lack of a suitable relationship. i didn’t spend a second thinking about the new order of world terrorism that was about to befall our nation in several months time, or about how several key decisions at the elca national assembly that i would witness firsthand would forever irrevocably alter the landscape of the lutheran church in america. i certainly didn’t think about how it would feel nine months later when my family was temporarily transplanted into a tiny apartment while we attempted to find replacement housing and i returned to a job that i positively hated at year’s end, or the pain i would discover when examining the damage to my car and the painful realization that i was responsible for injuring something that i cared about.

    for three and a half hours, i didn’t have to worry about anything. i just listened to the music. u2 did the rest.

    and frankly, that is how every concert should be.

  • 4.09.2005

    blood running cold, mind going down into a dark night 

    mental note to self for future reference:

    doppio con panna with 5 pumps of vanilla = not enough syrup to completely mask the viciously awful taste of espresso

    doppio con panna with 7 pumps of vanilla = an ideal balance of flavors and stimulants

    ~ ~ ~

    doppio con panna with 12 pumps of vanilla = severe threat of diabetic seizure.

  • 4.06.2005

    the clouds prepare for battle in the dark and brooding silence 


    i feel like i am crawling out of my skin. or that i’m being compressed into an ever shrinking universe that is threatening to squash me to shit.

    i’m not sure how to describe it. suffice it to say, i can’t help wanting something major to happen, but i am pretty sure that whatever does end up eventually occurring, i am not going to like it all that much.

    i fucking hate this feeling.

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