of a desperate panic, or a tempest of blind fury 

right about now i would totally welcome and appreciate any device which was capable of attaching directly to my brain and mentally caching out blog posts automatically without my having to go through the hassle of physically typing them out.

don’t get me wrong – i love to type. i find that the exercise is more than appreciated by my fingers in their efforts to maintain at least some amount of dexterity, and it can be a decent stress reliever when the need arises.

but as of late, i have found myself once again (not surprisingly, either) “blessed” with a wealth of blog post worthy comment, which generally only ignites in my brain at the least convenient of times and more often than not dwindles into a few meekly glowing embers by the time i am actually facilitated with the appropriate situation with which to fan the flames of the mental arsonage.

for this and other reasons, i have begun to determine that the universe in some way or form is attempting to disclose to me its utter hatred and distaste for the glob of bio-matter that happens to encompass my soul or consciousness or whatever you swear faith to.

take for example the only prominent opportunity for romance that i have blindly stumbled into. it seems that there is a most beautiful woman who for some inexplicable reason has an interest in yours’ truly. this is quite unexpected, as very rarely do i actually find myself being noticed/checked out by attractive members of the opposite sex; although to say that the occurrence of such circumstances rests somewhere in the realm of improbability is slightly inaccurate. admittedly every now and then, i do get the occasional glance from either a married woman, or some girl who won’t be legal mattress fodder for another three years.

as could be expected with a desperate loner such as myself, my attraction to her is indeed mutual. she is absolutely gorgeous, and i would be more than willing to dive headfirst into the situation in order to see what developed further.

were it not for the fact that she is a co-worker.

now, honor and moral dignity aside – the code can go fuck itself. really, whoever came up with the silent rule of not dating your co-workers was likely either a eunich or had something very large and blunt lodge itself deep within his skull. i’m all for maintaining manners and chivalry and all that for the sake of refusing to morally sell out, but this one really bugs me to no end. infuriatingly it even makes sense regardless of my feelings towards the concept, which only aggravates people so dreadfully trapped by reasonably logical paradigms such as i. despite the fact that i can find no fault with the argument, i still would gleefully ignore any potential guilt or shame in bending the code in order to gain my own greedily sought after selfish satisfaction.

company policy however is a completely whole other story. in the desire to reduce workplace incidents, there is a specific section in the rules that states that “conflicts of interest” are to be avoided at all costs, lest they need to be dealt with in a disciplinary manner (re: somebody getting their ass fired). obviously a relationship, and even more certainly a sexual one, would drastically compromise this principle, making for a rather sticky (literally and figuratively) situation should the proverbial shit once again make its way towards a rapidly oscillating set of blades.

now, if my co-worker and i would be able to keep the matter far below the radar, things could indeed stand a chance of proving most fortunate. however – the very social nature of my occupation happens to complicate the issue quite severely. very little can be kept quarantine from the channels floating back and forth from barista to barista, and even were it not for the natural tendency towards gossip amongst employees, almost assuredly one or some of our customers would eventually discover the little black secret and manage to unintentionally topple the fragile house of cards by spilling the beans.

so there we have it – in the past six months, out of all the women that i manage to associate with, the only one that shows a degree of interest is the one that is naturally unavailable due to a mere technicality.

in fact, time and again i am consistently reminded that overall my life is simply one major technicality.

and technically, that totally sucks.

  • 3.24.2005

    wheels within wheels in a spiral array, a pattern so grand and complex 

    waking up this morning at five thirty was intensely brutal. most certainly am i not a morning person, and the fact that i didn’t get to sleep until sometime after one thirty in the morning didn’t aid matters much. mornings and i simply just do not get along, and today was really no exception to that rule. adding to the dismalness of the whole situation was the rain that kept drenching the bay area throughout the morning. i myself don’t mind driving in the rain so much, even though i do have to watch it a bit more when i try to accelerate too fast from an intersection.

    there are two things about the rain and driving that do agitate me greatly, however. the first is wet shoes, or more specifically, the soles of my shoes being wet. in retrospect, rubber floor mats for my car (albeit cool since they have the simpsons printed on them), was about the dumbest choice i could have made several years ago, since flat rubber provides little to no friction with which to remove excess layers of water from my shoes. i can’t stand the squeaky sound that wet soled shoes make on the pedals, and secondly, i hate having my feet slip off my already slightly worn pedals.

    the other annoying caveat about driving around in the rain is that northern californians not only *do not* possess the skills necessary to drive in the rain, they completely forget how to drive altogether and just panic at the prospect of this precipitation-like element that showers their car. it is truly an astounding feat of mankind – this happens reliably every single year despite it having happened every previous monsoon season! i’m not quite sure how, or even why, but *some*how, these people honestly forget any past experience they may have had with driving in less than ideal weather, and resort to an almost primal instinctive hell-bent for leather survival mode when their tires touch wet pavement.

    i’m the kind of asshole who takes enjoyment from hydroplaning when behind the wheel, and only when i am reasonable assured that nobody else is within the danger zone posed by my rather childishly wreck-less behavior. however, even *i* am not stupid enough to continue driving at speeds approaching (and passing) 90mph on a flooded freeway (we’re talking a good inch or so of standing water) when the visibility has been reduced so low that you might as well turn your windshield wipers off, for all the good they are doing.

    last sunday, i truly thought for a few moments that my end was going to be on the 280 freeway heading north from our church in cupertino. as the aforementioned visibility slowly faded from existence, i kept tensing in my seat, and then trying my best to relax, as i kept having to remind myself that the most traumatic injuries sustained during vehicular collisions are the direct result of the body becoming too rigid to provide any useful give when potential energy makes a point of converting itself into kinetic.

    this most certainly was not aided in the least by the fact that my dad, who happened to be driving, had developed a penchant for following way too close to the car in front of us; matters were only potentially worsened by the fact that the glossy white paint on the preceding vehicle meant that it was all but vanished completely from our sight whenever the rain became too overpowering that even visible light had trouble filtering through.

    some unlucky driver managed to encounter a rather nasty detour going southbound earlier that morning, as dad and i passed by what looked like the dwindling remainder of a clean-up crew for some tragically phenomenal event. what was previously a four-door sedan mysteriously had been reduced to a windshield-less convertible, and i can only imagine that the irritated chp officer who was pacing back and forth in the right hand lane in his sorry looking poncho was more than likely spreading some kind of chemical agent across the pavement to try and remove the blood stains.

    nevertheless, i did make it home safe and sound, and have gotten through half of the work week so far. for all the positives of having once again secured another reliable source of income, one of the downsides is that since our stores are open every single day of the week, this means that nobody’s schedule is ever predictable. conceivably any combination of hours could be drafted to assign to all the unwilling servants, and as i happen to be counted amongst these, any sort of stability as towards my availability outside of work vanishes faster than my paycheck does.

    work = death for social life.

    oh wait.

    i didn’t have a social life.

    carry on.

  • 3.20.2005

    emotional feedback on a timeless wavelength 

    when faced with the only two options that the universe seems fit to offer, I have little other choice but to make a decision.

    do i find myself involved with a day whose origins are auspicious yet manages to ultimately end in glorious rapture? or the day that has a tremendous start but somehow develops into a progressively worse scenario as time creeps along?

    this past Friday seemed to be the latter of the two. and it was all without my rightful consent.

    the majority of the day proceeded in a rather enjoyable manner. I regaled myself with episodes of that 70’s show per dvd box set, and satisfied my palate with some first rate grubs among the princes of microwavable snackery. however as it became apparent during my commute that I was going to be slightly late for work, what could have ended right there on the spot as a minor blemish in the sheen of an afternoon slowly evolved into a rumbling, roaring disaster in true comedy of errors fashion.

    from the parking space that was a quarter mile walk away from the lot permit dispenser, to the wet grate that I slipped and landed my ass square on in front of the store directly, to the co-worker who decided for his own un-explained reasons to act like a completely immature child, to the giant gash I unintentionally carved into my finger, to the pitcher of steamed milk that unapologetically exploded in my face, few other conclusions could I have come to than to deem that I was rightly cursed to find myself trapped inside the boundaries of a hopelessly shitty night.

    any little move I directed myself and every other word I spoke proved testament to this fact, as I vainly struggled to reverse my change of luck and unsuccessfully give myself at least a fighting chance to prove myself proper. so many opportunities to surrender to the overwhelming forces driven by the winds of fate offered themselves to me, but nary a one did I take lest I break my streak of attempting the world’s record for biggest and most amusing ass-clown.

    when my shift finally came full circle to its terminus, I sighed a deep heavy resignation and managed to fortuitously make my escape back home without adding further insults to my already stinging injuries.

    as to be expected there were many other little details interspersed throughout the evening, sure; but these are mostly evaporating into the land of gleefully forgotten unpleasantness as I turn my face forward and look towards the prospects of a new begin.

    sometimes we luckily get to choose our particular fate, and yet others we can only merely accept as inevitable. for the sake of my damaged esteem, I most assuredly hope that the next time such an uncontrollable flow of events ebs itself into the tides of the waves on the ocean that is my life, I prove at least capable enough not to choke back so much salt water.

  • 3.14.2005

    time after time we lose sight of the way 

    ok, seriously. fuck this year.

    it's time to reboot everything and go back to fucking january first. i am not shitting. the last time i had a year that started off this fucked up, things didn't get better for at least thirteen months. i can not go through another downward cycle like the one i had before. it's just not possible, and i fucking refuse to even attempt it.

    if the last three months are to be any indication of how the rest of this year is going to play out, then fuck that. i'm getting off that train.

  • 3.08.2005

    the mess and the magic - triumphant and tragic 

    lack of inspiration totally fucking kills me. i was hoping that my last snappy posting would have come off as pretty cool and witty, but it ended up being exposed as just a lame pass-off to deter from the fact that i did’t have a lot of interesting stuff to talk about at that moment.

    work has been going alright. i’m slowly learning all the information i need to absorb and figuring out the intricacies that are associated with working an espresso bar. the names of regular clientele and their customary drinks orders are starting to sink in, and the fact that our store is located across the railroad tracks from a high school and a couple blocks from several nightclubs has ensured that tons of hotties have been steadily making their way to us for a caffeine of frappuccino fix. i’m never one to fully appreciate or enjoy most jobs, but at least there is plenty of eye candy to check out at my current occupation.

    like the two extremely sexy gals who came in this past saturday night from one of the clubs. one of them was pretty flirty with me, and kept flashing me this great smile. i thought there might have been the hints of something developing between us as we talked, but that idea was soon abandoned after she sat down next to her friend and began making out with her.

    the non-availability of pretty much all of the desirable women in this area, and even the not so desirable women is a painful reminder that repeatedly is thrust towards me at nearly every corner i turn lately. i swear that if i hear another girl say “you’re so sweet – if only i wasn’t already going out with somebody” i am gonna rip my fucking ears off and ignite them in a bowl of gasoline.

    one other thing of possible note – my couch has become too uncomfortable to sleep on anymore. technically any amount of support it had had evaporated many, many years ago, but up until about a month and a half ago it was still more or less bearable. one night changed all that when despite orienting myself in either direction, my back kept dipping down beyond an uncomfortably contorted alignment and in exasperated futility i simply sprawled out on the floor.

    a couple years ago when i was working at the hotel in santa clara, after a hellish late shift during which i was suffering from a massive head cold (much like the one that is currently plaguing me), i came home and basically passed out on the floor of my room, having never made it into bed proper. that night’s sleep was one of the most delightful of my life, so i never fail to hesitate with laying out a blanket and bundling up with a comforter and pillow on ground level. i’m one of those people who can find a comfortable spot to nap regardless of most conditions, however one stark difference between these two circumstances is that in our last house, my bedroom had true plush carpeting installed on top of padding and so the floor felt like a light airy cloud. my room in the house we are presently occupying has all hardwood floors downstairs, and sitting on top of the paneling in my room is a functional yet fairly thin rug. unfortunately this does not offer nearly enough give, and so my sleeping choices at the moment are twisting up like a pretzel on my sofa, or flattening out on what essentially feels like hard concrete. this has begun to significantly disturb my sleeping patterns, which haven’t aided by the fact that due to the nature of where my room is located, hardly any sunlight ever filters in through the window, leaving any exterior illumination in an almost perpetual and confusing state of early dawn despite whatever time it might actually be during the day.

    as i mentioned in that last paragraph i have been stricken with a nasty little cold that only in the last two days or so really decided to make itself known upon me. at first i had assumed that my body was finally beginning to show the usual resistance to my recently returning to a work schedule again, but now i am thinking that it was possibly the early stages of whatever the hell is afflicting me at the moment. usually whenever i start a new job (or return to one that i had previously worked at), my body spends the first two weeks perfectly complacent with the adjustment of starting a new job, but soon after this grace period i experience persistently massive exhaustion on a regular basis that conveniently is triggered at right about the time i get home from a long work day and negates most of the post-work activities i had planned on and spent time looking forward to several hours earlier.

    thankfully as soon as the introductory notes to a sore throat kicked in on sunday morning, i had the good sense to go out and try my hot & sour soup remedy once again. so far, this solution is 2 for 2 with regards to eliminating any pain in my esophagus since the last sore throat that i developed towards the end of my stay in albuquerque, which promptly inspired me to hit up pf changs with monica for some hot & sour soup and ended up with the same effect of completely eliminating any discomfort. i guess the chinese really do have their shit together when it comes to maintaining health, even if they still haven’t figured out how to make a meal that doesn’t leave you feeling hungry again an hour after you eat.

    since my body is giving up for the moment and systematically shutting itself down for some rest, i suppose this is as good a place as any to stop for now.

  • 3.03.2005

    sometimes we're the last to see beyond the day's frustrations 

    ya know, a common theme that seems to be recurring with alarming frequency in my life in the past few weeks has been that the people around me have begun pointing out how much i increasingly rely on excuses to explain away the circumstances of my existence.

    well, i wouldn't *have* to do that if every other situation didn't present itself in a way that demanded i pass it off with a flimsly excuse.

    er, um.


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