vaporize the memories that freeze the fading past 

there is a lot to gloss over, so bear with me. this post is gonna be mightily long. especially since this is the last post of the year 2004.

oh wait.

*all* my posts are usually big.

read on.

as i may or may not have previously stated around here (honestly i can not remember, and i don’t particularly care to check to see if i have), the christmas spirit does not usually imprint itself upon my soul until usually the last moment or so. for several years, this blessed explosion of the spirit didn’t actually take place until less than twenty four hours before the actual advent celebrations were to begin. in a few cases, i didn’t actually have any holiday cheer bestowed upon me until right as the clock struck midnight.

this particular season however has been uniquely different, despite the alarming frequency with which my snail mail has recently consisted of “final notice” and “we take thumb” correspondences. there hasn’t been a lot of inspiration lately to produce an overwhelming heartfelt sense of joy; my own finances are of course depressingly nonexistent, and despite having had a whirlwind year filled with adventure, romance, and travel, all of that which has past has long since been over and i am left with just the same old everyday process of converting oxygen into toxic gasses and wondering if there is a higher purpose or reason as to why i continue to exist.

however, the sunday night before christmas provided a nice touch of holiday joy. a set of neighborhoods located in south city every year decorate their street up the wazoo, creating a marvelously spectacular display of holiday lights and ornaments that amaze and delight most who traverse the boroughs to go attend such exhibit. under the guise of a non-church related function, a sizeable bunch of the former youth group and chaperones all ventured out to behold the affair. while the other two carloads preferred to experience this event within the comfort of heated vehicular cabins, our particular caravan instead braved the cold (hey, it’s been damn colder than usual around here) to instead traverse the splendor on foot.

fortunately the decision was wise, as the amount of detail that was presented to us by being just the few short feet closer to the homes by way of the sidewalk was definitely more than worth it. among some of the highlights were homes that had trees of unbelievable proportions, literally tens of thousands of lights everywhere, and some christmas displays composed entirely of teddy bears or other stuffed animals. nearing the end of the tour, we even encountered a house that had a musical ensemble consisting of a drummer and saxophonist, who with the aid of a prerecorded tape of their entire band, serenaded passerby with jingles and holiday tunes.

the evening was capped off by a trip to one of the family’s homes for a round of hot chocolate and a wide assortment of cookies and cake treats. after such a welcome introduction to the season, i felt a sense of joy and contentment course through my soul and peace brought to my mind.

sadly this was rudely shattered when on the wednesday night before christmas, the downstairs toilet finally expressed its personal disgust for having to service such mortals as us, and instead delighted in violently expelling several gallons worth of raw sewage all over my bathroom, and flooding a sizeable portion of the downstairs of our home. it had all begun innocently enough; a curiously strange gurgling sound that provided the audible clue to air bubbles starting to burst from the surface of the toilet bowl just after eleven pm, leading us to suspect that there might have been a slight amount of air in the pipe. at this point in time, there didn’t really seem to be anything major brewing.

however, anybody who is familiar with how interior plumbing works would be quick to point out (as my brother eagerly did) that any fixture in your house that has a drain also has an elbow joint attached to this drain at some point along its route towards your cities water system for the simple yet crucial job of preventing any odors from a septic tank reaching the human elementals dwelling within a residence. by default, this would mean that if there is air in any of your drainage pipes, that is pretty much the guarantee that there is something seriously wrong…. as we were about to horrifically experience.

in the proceeding five minutes from the initial minor hiccup, we watched in stunned panic as a voluminous amount of previously disposed waste not only forced itself back up from the pipe work, it almost endlessly erupted from both the toilet and bathtub drains in an action that defies all explanation without the use of the words “explosive” and “projectile.” after the initial shock wore off, all of us began scurrying for every single possible towel like instrument present in the house in the nearly futile efforts of stemming the tide which ceasingly surged forth from our porcelain fixtures.

having just finished moving all of my belongings over the past few weeks into the space formerly serving as dad’s office, which also was coincidentally adjacent to the bathroom, i could do nothing but stand helpless as i played witness to the ocean like swelling of vile fluids that determinedly pursued a journey straight for the tantalizing shore that was my carpet, soaking through several feet of rug in the unwelcome penetration of my humble living space. after momentarily freezing as adrenaline began surging through my body and i realized the awful truth of that which was about to occur, my hands began a mad flurry of preventative rescue attempts as i desperately salvaged any low lying objects that stood in the path of assured destruction.

we would later come to find out (after summoning a plumber past midnight) that the result of such tragedy had not been in fact related to any unacceptable foreign object that had recently passed through the commode – rather a simple network of tree trunks had managed to grow their way through our neighborhood’s sewage system, and over time acted in much the manner of cholesterol plaque building up in the arteries near the heart, only instead of restricting the passage of blood, the organic tentacles had prevented the flow of damn near anything that was intended to be whisked from our homes to the nearest treatment center.

even rosier news.. this disgustingly repulsive event will likely repeat itself at some point in the next two years, as the appendages to the gentle but intruding leaf bearing flora that had to be removed will inevitably grow back to the same spots in the near future.

so we have that to look forward to… that is, if we still are located at this particular residence in the next two years. shortly before we ended up having to spend several hundred dollars that indeed we could not particularly afford to fork over in the first place in order to resolve this issue, we received a telephone call declaring our landlord’s intentions to send over an appraiser to re-assess the current value of the property.

which comes as no surprise really, especially since every single member of the family had to renew their drivers licenses this year and for the first time in the past seven years, all of our state issued cards state the correct address.

the fact that my brother took sick and was laid out on the couch with strep throat and a fever nearly two days before christmas began to compound with all of the other recent events and suggested to me that perhaps this holiday wasn’t going to be one that we would survive with any degree of sanity. i nearly lost it at one point, and instead buried my frustrations in a hugely concentrated effort to not overwhelm my already worn mind with the torrential storm of despair that was festering deep inside at an alarming rate. truly, i was more than eagerly anticipating the next disaster that would chose to strike at us, be it a home fire or falling aircraft parts to help deliver the final blow to what was shaping up to be a depressing holiday.

i even half joked with myself that all of this turmoil was taking place due to our having forgone the family tradition of viewing christmas vacation several weeks before opening presents. with the preface to christmas eve that we had just undergone, there appeared no need to watch a movie in which a family holiday dissolved into utterly maddening fictional chaos. hell, we were beginning to live it.

thankfully, the last few days of working as santa’s helper at the local mall proved to be less stressful, even despite the fact that the line was consistently a two hour wait or longer. given the frantic nature of the other shoppers surrounding us and that most small children are far too impatient to stand in one place for more than five minutes at a stretch, we could have had a potential disaster on our hands had it not been for the gentle yet firm manner in which we handled the rush of visitors to the jolly old elf just hours before his magical flight was to have taken place. in other words, we kicked that lines *ass.*

after work on friday, christmas eve day, i had the delightful joy of coming home to spend several hours cleaning the remnants of the bathroom’s fury from the walls and floors. the previous day all of us had been far too busy to attend to the mess inside the bathroom, and instead just took care of everything outside in the hallway and closed the door to the bathroom and attempted to ignore the grime. mind you, scrubbing human waste from the surfaces of a restroom was not exactly what i had planned in my mind as something to do on christmas eve. begrudgingly the task was eventually completed, and i got read to head with the family down to the church in cupertino that we have been attending the last several weeks now for the ten pm service. for a while, we weren’t even sure that our family was going to be leaving the house, due to the rather stricken nature of my brother. however, he assured us that we should go enjoy the festivities, and after getting him all hunkered down on the couch beneath several pounds of blankets, we sped off to join up with several friends and acquaintances that were meeting us just before worship.

i really enjoyed christmas eve worship for the first time in several years. at our last church, the service was alright and decent, but there was always an element or two missing. rather than break the convenience and attend elsewhere, we simply just accepted the loss under the pretense that we were members and that was supposedly our “home” congregation. never was the service really intensely magical or wonderful… rather it seemed like something everybody just did without any real emotional connection to the whole reason behind the season.

this other church blew us away. not only was it beyond delightful, we finally realized what was missing all those other times since we had moved up to northern california; holiday cheer. people were not only happy to congregate, but they were even outwardly friendly and expressed great delight in sharing their joys with anybody mingling in their proximity. it was truly how a christmas eve service is supposed to be; the warm fellowship of those who gather to acknowledge and celebrate the birth of their savior, rather than regarding it merely as a chore to dedicate with hesitant annoyance a fraction of their precious time towards.

for the past several years, my parents have presented us with the option of opening up presents either on christmas eve or morning. somehow, it just doesn’t seem right and proper to open anything the night before, so as usual we deferred until the morning hours before we discovered what gifts awaited us. given the current financial situation of the family in general, i was both shocked and a bit saddened to discover that *every*thing on my list had in fact been purchased. i had submitted my wish list a day or so before we had to spend an unexpected emergency amount of cash to resolve the whole exploding toilet fiasco, and as such afterwards i had expected only to receive perhaps half of that which i had requested. i wasn’t disappointed by that assumption, either. in truth, i really only wanted to have our family together and happy for the holidays since my brother would be going away to college in two weeks time.

instead i got gifts. my brother was still laid up on the sofa as we opened presents… briefly he would regain consciousness every so often to open his own presents and wish us a merry christmas before passing out again. all of us felt super awful that he was in such poor physical health, but he assured us to continue enjoying our holidays and to give him just a bit more room to stretch out and rest. dinner that evening consisted of a large turkey and honey baked ham, complete with mashed potatoes, dinner rolls, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, and sparkling lingenberry juice.

the last week or so has been more or less uneventful. with the main christian calendar event having passed, there really is not a whole lot else to stir up interest until the passing of the old year and our futures slowly advance yet another day forward.

this isn’t to say our lives were totally devoid of anything of significance having taken place. of these, one involved my brother ending up in the hospital when his esophagus swelled so thickly that he could barely breath and had to have medication delivered to him via i.v. – my brother’s allergies to penicillin means that the only way some prescribed drugs enter his system is through a needle and drip. having not been able to eat for several days had taken its toll on his body as was evidenced by the nine pounds he lost in the meantime, so a steady diet of nutrition was also delivered to his system by means of a tube.

thankfully, he only had to spend a few hours at the hospital before being discharged with certain non-penicillin drug regiments to adhere to.

the day after this development in my brother’s illness i spent the evening up in the mountains (if you can call them that) along skyline blvd. just to the west of where i live stretches a rise of hillside that follows along the coast all the way down to the beaches at santa cruz. a friend of masato’s and a business partner involved with the current script i am attempting to complete has a place deep within the woods far removed from civilization, and it was a certain treat to find myself surrounded on all sides by majestic redwoods that resonated the soft pitter-pattering of rain from up on high in the canopies below the dark and overcast night. we enjoyed video game death matches, checked out film that was taken of extreme motocross touring, and watched the extended edition of return of the king. after masato sleepily put in mighty wind to watch, mike and i had a short conversation about christopher guest and his film work, before i began the trek back through back country off road paths at three in the morning to head for home.

it would seem that my most serene and peaceful moments tend to come from times like this. for starters, with absolutely no street lighting of any kind, winding through one lane dirt paths on your way back to the main road in a large sedan is quite the experience. throw in rain, a bit of hail, and a healthy layer of fog and you have the ingredients for either tranquility, or a deadly accident. fortunately, the former proved to be the case.

there is something inexplicably comforting when the illumination from your headlights can only reach a certain distance in front of you, after which all (and i truly mean *all*) visibility disappears completely. some would find themselves mortally terrified – i was trembling with ecstatic delight. far too often the influence of suburbia digs well beyond my nerves and i feel this dire urge to remove myself from it as far as possible. when you can’t see anything behind you and only a fraction of the road ahead of you, this primal sense of survival takes hold and you get the sense that any wrong move could very well be your last. it reminded me of the time earlier this year when i was down at el camino campgrounds, and my cabin to stay in was a mile or so up the trail of a winding dirt path that i had to drive to under similar conditions.

after the sun sets down at mount pinos, the same darkness and cold abounds and you find yourself temporarily in a wonderland; a mystical playground begging for your eager mind to explore in search of the treasures it may yield. it was the same situation the other night; and it’s a sensation i rarely get to enjoy due to the amount of ambient light that is put off by all of the thousands of streetlights in urban areas that manage to even cast a glow upward onto the night sky. i love total and utter darkness, such that if you were to shut your car off and kill any source of light, you would find that your eyes never can adjust to compensate since on a cloudy night as such, you don’t even have the benefit of starlight or the moody glow of the moon.

after i hit the main road, which still was not lit until i got down out of the hills, i experienced an even more heightened sense of this calm. perhaps it could have just been the fact that already i was exhausted and in dire need of getting home to my own bed. but for the half hour that i had to press on to get to the highway, i felt this wave of peace cloud my mind, and i realized that were i to die on that road that night, i wouldn’t have had any complaints. it was this odd sense of contentment. the absolution with all that had been. the music that was cranking forth from the only station that managed to have a signal in that area seemed to aptly compliment my state of being, and life seemed momentarily grand. i have only had moments like these a few times in my life; after each experience i have to wonder at the divine possibilities of a glimpse into that which may never be fully understood.

but then i get back to civilization.

which brings me to tonight. new year’s eve. it’s merely a night like any other, yet i deeply resent this particular holiday and am loathe to the hoopla that accompanies it. i usually am never invited to any major new years festivities since nobody i know happens to play host to anything that i am aware of (this year being no exception to this fairly established rule), and there is no way in fuck that i am just going to go up to the city to stand alongside one hundred thousand people in the biting cold and rain with nobody else to talk to or hang out with. my anxieties are such that i would never be able to establish any form of decent camaraderie with those that gather together in the manner of sardines in a can just to enjoy a few fireworks in the hopes that the transgressions of the past year are somehow magically erased at the midnight hour. kinda funny how in such a large social conglomeration a person can ultimately feel so desperately alone.

i will admit that i had quite the whirlwind of a year these past three hundred and sixty five point four days. but in the end, i always somehow manage to find myself right back at practically the same place where i started. someday my resolution may in fact be to spend a new years where i am not hopelessly depressed and lacking in companionship, but seeing as how i just naturally assume such a temperment regardless of any efforts on my behalf otherwise, i figure that this scenario is simply beyond the realm of possibility.

at any rate, have a happy new years to everybody who reads my blog. i know that eventually i will manage to rescue myself from this omnipresent fog, but in the meantime, i gotta stew for a bit.

do me a favor - for those fortunate enough to find themselves in favorable company, share a kiss when the clock strikes twelve. lord knows i sure as shit won’t be getting blessed with any kissing tonight.

i hope to continue to see you all in 2005. and wish me luck. i’ll do the same for you.

  • 12.29.2004

    pale facsimile - like what others see when they look in my direction 

    my apologees for not posting in a while.

    when i say that a lot has been going on, i'm not just bullshitting. a *lot* has been going on.

    an update is on its way when i triumph over forcing inspiration to succumb and allow me to transcribe it all out. which will be soon.

    till then, wiki something.

  • 12.21.2004

    package the illusion of persona, careful to conceal 

    quite the frustration i can imagine exists when people stand and attempt to pass developed conversation along towards me in person. where-as i possibly am able to maintain the fragile illusion of linguistic cohesion while writing online, when faced with me directly in the flesh and making an effort to communicate, some amount of annoyance must come to bare on behalf of those poor souls that painfully endure the confusing stream of aural vomit that i emit with less than a decent amount of grace.

    in other words, had you been standing next to me and i had tried vocally delivering the above thought, you might have made out a few clicking noises and a fart like spluttering sound. really, i lack any substantial amount of dignity when i am forced to interact with other nearby humans. it is quite shamefully embarrassing for me when the words i plan to say come tumbling out in a terribly dyslexic mess, although to those who stake no serious interest in the potential of intellectual discussion, most assuredly you can bet they are being entertained to the highest degree.

    fearfully i must add myself to the unavoidable bandwagon and add to the fray my commentary regarding the whole pregnancy surge. as you may or may not be fully aware, several people have recently found themselves to be blessed with child – becca, the mighty princess, and a few other good friends. even spring has discussed the prospects between her and bri as far as adding a new bundle of joy to their home.

    really, i can not find any appeal at this point in my life towards producing offspring. so clearly do i lack the maturity and responsibility (not to mention the financial resources) to provide for a child that the mere suggestion is ridiculously preposterous at my current age. i dread to contemplate the fate of a newborn placed within my care. i shit you not; it is a disturbingly frightful concept.

    part of my aversion comes from the shocking display of authoritative ineptitude that has been paraded before me while working at the mall and taking santa photos. it has become my conclusion that there are a lot of truly clueless parents out there in the world that are recklessly adding to the already over-inflated population of the world. over the last several weeks i have been growing steadily uncomfortable with the increasing mass of adults out there that for some reason or other i played witness to who have absolutely no clue in how to raise children, yet are showing no outward signs of ceasing in the whole baby production thing. in short – far too many people than should are breeding.

    i wholeheartedly trust individuals like becca and jason to be more than fairly responsible, especially since they have already demonstrated a very welcome amount of competence in the field of rearing a son. but i just don’t see myself actually wanting children for a long, long time. not for at least another ten years, and even then that may itself be far too soon. some people see the gift of a newborn as a blessing… i have a crooked mind and instead of rejoicing in the miracle(?) at having successfully inseminated a wife would tend more to reflect upon the discouraging fact that marital relations would be halted for at least a few months at some point during the gestation period. what can i say; sometimes i am an unimaginable ass.

    not too mention that i get agitated enough as it is what with the having to carry around wallets, keys, and sunglass cases. despite my best efforts to avoid such irritations, sometimes there is no other alternative but to include on my person such necessary evils.

    it bugs me to no end having objects sitting in my pockets, which invariably get in the way when carrying something heavy and or large that presses up against your whole body, and in turn pushes whatever you have in your pouches deep into your waist. most annoying. homicidal rage is about the state of mind i would figure to be put into after having to accumulate the massive amount of accessories that one requires in the ambitious dream of leaving the house with baby to secure mediocre tacos at the bell down the street.

    just a few things that find themselves amongst the dreadfully long list of items that need to be present to accomplish this ordinarily simple and mundane task are the child seat of course, diaper bag, collection of diversionary toys/trinkets to keep said youngin’ occupied, and at least one change of clothes in case the wee one shits himself something rotten and you have no choice but to remove the previous outfit and hope that the fiery cauldrons of hell itself are capable of casting away such evil from the realm of the living.

    seriously, explain to me this; how in the world of physical possibility can an infant of such meager stature produce a toxic anal stew so offensive as to only have possible usage in a rudimentary chemical weapon?

    while observing a parental team that appeared beyond the brink of hopeless exhaustion struggle in vain with nearly an suv’s worth accompaniment of baby paraphernalia at a restaurant on sunday afternoon, i came to the consciously sound decision that should i ever decide to deliver my seed into the world like so many others before me, i fully intend to hire a trained staff of obedient servants whose sole duties in life are to ensure that i don’t actually have to deal with any of the manual labor involved with shlepping around any necessary materials. without such a crew, the everyday task of driving from one’s abode to the local grocer apparently becomes an adventure of bleakly epic proportions. such restraint in my own personal freedoms, while admittedly selfishly stated, is far too burdensome for me to express any delight or wishful anticipations of the inevitable imprisonment.

    as some of you who were bold enough to digest the rather voluminous tome that was the entry regarding recent church drama are familiar, my family has been in search of other houses of worship in which to congregate and begin developing a more secure foundation from which to draw our spiritual fulfillments. this has ultimately led us back to a church nary three blocks from apple computer’s worldwide headquarters down in cupertino; a church that my father attended for the year or so that he was in residence up in northern cali while working at his new job before the rest of the family were able to move up (my parents graciously allowed me to finish high school before we transferred to yet another new destination). we have visited this place several times in the last couple years, and are friendly with a few of the members there; most notably their youth director who on more than several occasions has lent dad supplementary audio equipment when his own collection has failed to meet the needs of events that he was providing assistance with.

    there is this particular young woman at this church who is now attending higher education at a local community college, and she possesses this undying blissfully infectious happy attitude. she is one of those people who when faced with a blatantly eminent apocalypse would stand defiantly with a giant smile and insist that all those near her gather close in positive unity and maintain a cheerful spirit all the way through to the horrifically bloody end.

    did i mention that she is also extremely hot? and happens to have a boyfriend? to whom she is likely to be engaged with in the near future?

    i swear; sometimes life presents itself like an outstretched pair of hands offering a tray of freshly baked cookies; somehow, the platter is always just a hair out of your reach, and your eternal punishment is the ever present sights and smells of the rewards that will always manage to narrowly evade your eager pursuits. maybe once or twice you figure out a way to buck the system and snag a part of a cookie, but the satisfaction only lasts for a fraction of time before you eventually crave more of that which you ultimately are not allowed to have.

    or maybe i am just a paranoid conspiracy theorist.

    your call.

    for now, i leave you with the ancient wisdom inherent in a chinese sage’s proverb:

    man who run in front of car get tired.

  • 12.17.2004

    a certain measure of innocence, willing to appear naive 

    being that my posts lately take several hours in full to compose (i waste a lot of time by pretending to be editing), we'll see if i can nail this one out before i have to leave for work in an hour and fifteen minutes.

    no promises.

    the santa photo gig has been going well. this is the only week for the season in which i have worked a full monday through friday spread, and the result has been my body slowly recalling the turmoil that descends upon me when i actually have a legitimate commitment to uphold on a daily basis.

    although, in much the same fashion as other jobs i have worked recently, the scheduling of hours for my shifts comes at random intervals in the span of each business day - a fact that does not lose any irritation through me. i'm the type of person who thrives on establishing routine and holding fast to it (breaking from such only on certain occassions to celebrate chaotic interventions into the norm) and so by having my timetable changing at such an erratic pace leaves me quite frustrated.

    especially when i had to spend half of my shift the other day driving around town to pick up the afternoon santa and bring him over to the mall (i also go by the nickname "rudolph").

    the other night this young couple came by and wanted their picture taken with santa - which in itself was nothing unusual, but they were both such yuppies that it was not only embarassing, it was downright revolting. i would say that they were not even twenty-five years in age (part of my pretentiously over-inflated ego is that i rank people based on how old they are in relation to myself) and yet they were dressed in extremely expensive sweaters, khakis, and they both had a set of braces and a grande mocha latte each. they were engaged, as was evidenced by the ridiculously large rock on the girl's finger, and i would imagine that they both have never done any real work in their lives, ever.

    they truly appeared like if you handed them a shovel, they would sit and stare at the tool for five minutes before inquiring as to the where-abouts of the "on" button. don't get me wrong - i hold few greivances against yuppies and the eventual larvae they demonically spawn, but there is something completely amiss with people who have never had to engage in a moment of actual labor in their entire lives.

    i don't express any jealously, envy, or bitterness that there are people who are born into silver diapers and have everything taken care of them. what bothers me is that i know all too well that situations are in the care of murphy and given that, can change in a damn near instant. well beyond the point in time when a fan and a handful of shit are given their fair introductions, more often than not the internal character of a person truly is what defines those who are able to struggle through adversity and the people who sit and wallow in their own miserable failures of life.

    my chair is situated somewhere comfortably close to the middle of those two campgrounds.

    generally, the area i live in is filled with wealthy residents who are possessing of obnoxiously spoiled brats. the way these children carry on and present themselves would make the parents on nanny 911 count their blessings, and i hate to see what happens when mommy and daddy are no longer available to provide and their offspring are faced with the harsh reality of fending for themselves. not all of the kids around here are evil misbehavers, which would help to support that the upbringing of a person is not always the prime factor that determines their personality, but a large percentage of the youth i encounter act in ways that would have netted a good disciplinary beatdown from parents who originated from the generation that mine came from. i seem to be repeating myself quite a bit, am i not?

    which is ironic when you acknowledge the glaring fact that i still find myself in residence with my own parents, and that they have been more than accomodating in their provisions by assisting me get through lesser than ideal financial situations. not rich by any means, but humble and generous they are - hence i benefit by not becoming completely reliant upon them that i lose any ability to be to stick it out solo (of course, *not* owing half of my soul to a cell phone company due to their crooked billing policies would aid considerably in my chances of living on my own). somehow, that last sentence (before the paranthesis) appears dubiously suggestive in nature...

    there was something else that i had wished to touch upon, but as to be expected, my mind has rapidly become nothing more than a rubbery pile of jello that grants me only the most simplest of essential life functions.

    a percent's worth per hour of playing has roughly been my progress in san andreas lately. for a while i had hit a wall as far as the missions were concerned, and instead took delight in driving all around the facsimile of los angeles killing people before gathering up enough determination to blast through the game as quickly as was possible. as always i have attempted to minimize the implementation of developers codes, but there are certain times in which the tantilizing promise of restoring full health after being brought dangerously close to the brink of death is too overwhelming and has resulted in my succeeding quite a bit more than i potentially should have. as it stands, i have about 45% of the game left to complete.

    an annoyingly disturbing trend has come to my attention regarding music lately. there are many songs that bring to the table an overwhelming desire on my part to listen to them over and over ad naseum, but this produces the destructive phenomenon of getting horribly burned by the song to the point of experiencing an actual physical resistence towards ever hearing it again. this of course bothers me to no end, as music has evolved into a core component in my life and one of the few things i can reliably draw pleasant solace from.

    at this point my mind has now completely shut itself off, and i fear this is all you will get from me for the moment. hopefully after i reboot and allow some time for more thought to develop inside my cranium (currently the epic battle of neural lasers has been silenced) i might have a bit more.

    half hour! new personal record! i'll say hi to santa for you guys. unless you have been naughty, in which case you better put out double the cookies and milk for the big guy.

    because he knows, man. he knows....

  • 12.13.2004

    armchair rocket scientist graffiti existentialist 

    much in the same manner as the grand theft auto games employ their method of time passage, i have come to feel that lately all of the hours go by merely as minutes and that days are disappearing at way too ridiculously fast a rate.

    hardly does it seem like i have even risen from my slumber only to discover that the day already has come to a conclusion and another calendar space passed over. the proverbial grains of sand are all blowing away, spreading out to cover the dust of some other forgotten past. i lack the control to be able to retain any of that which i am increasingly losing, and i find myself awash in greif as i struggle to keep up with the ethereal schedules.

    supposedly we have an extra week this advent season; thanksgiving traditionally falls several days later than it did this particular year, and thus extra time has been granted in which to scurry about while focusing on the agenda of holiday cheer.

    several times over the past week i have begun composing blog entries, only to give up in disgusted frustration at my lack of concentration on much of anything. instead i'll find myself galavanting across the county borders in san andreas; working feverishly to attain no less than 100% completion, despite the crude presence of some rather difficult missions that care to block my ascension amongst the ranks of fictional crime worlds.

    or i'll attempt to lose myself in music while weeding out all other distractions - picking in-opportune moments and eventually realizing that i have to wind back towards the introductions of songs after having experienced temporary mental disappearances. every now and then, with great horror i discover not having any defined recollection of recent events, and struggle forceably to discard the blockages that prevent me from enjoying the blissfullness of permanent continuity.

    whatever the conditions that have afflicted my brain - be they aspergers or just good old fashioned attention defecit - lately my nueral patterns have become so fractured that just getting through one day at a time proves to be a monumental effort, even when taking into consideration that as aforementioned weeks have now passed by without my really taking stock in the fact.

    many topics float about in the vast swirl of gasses burried just a half inch below my scalp. and yet, with time's fleeting nature, i have very little remaining currently to even begin to diverge into wonderfully futile tangents as it would seem that i must head off to work in less than sixty minutes from this point in space and time.

    as a louse do i feel for repeatedly promising to update and than failing to do so. none of this lack of attention is vindictively intentional. but as hours morph into days and weeks into years, no sooner do i make one blog posting that a full week hastily departs before i have any inspiration to rant again. partly this is due to the rather meager amounts of comments being garnered on my site lately - though i continually come into posession of the sneaky suspicions that perhaps the reasons for my experiencing less than several comments per posting is that my erratic nature has driven off all but the most core of readers.

    monkey poop.

    the other day, as i sat alone with myself and mind (a dangerous combination i assure you), slowly the nodes of reasoning coalesced and allowed me to discover the why as to my less than enthusiastic approach to the holiday season and why it grows worse with each annual passing. steadily over the past ten or fifteen years, our society has taken great lengths to strip away any joy or celebration from the birth of Christ as they possibly are allowed. first it was the removal of religious ornaments and decorations from public view. then came other accessories - frosty the snowman, and in some places oddly even jolly old saint nick himself, though the declarations that the current incarnation of santa claus having any religious background has been greatly stretched since the most famous of elves bears little to no resembelence at present with the historical patron saint who originally he was based upon.

    next on the chopping block was mistletoe; i cringe with wretched sadness at the thought that people have become so internally reserved and coldhearted as to without hesitation imply harrassment after being sought out for an innocent kiss when standing underneith a modest sprig.

    but perhaps the most insulting of any violations upon holiday spirit is that despite the entire reason for the season being the rememberence and celebration of the world's introduction to the messiah, no longer are many people allowed to wish others a "merry christmas" as this dangerously toes the line with regards to what political correctness deems socially appropriate, and is apparently far more offensive (to some) than the commercially accepted phrase "happy holidays."

    the epiphany arrives. i never feel like it is christmas anymore because in fact, it is *not* christmas. no longer is there the wonderful tradition that i so fondly remember. what we have done (like so many childrens tales that warn of losing sight of the truth), is homogenize this once spectacular event and reduced it down to nothing more than a mighty consumeristic push at driving up profit towards the end of the calendar year. such fear has stricken people at the possibility of offending others that great efforts have been taken in stride to ensure that as little as possible can be cause for insult to those who feel "uncomfrotable" with pretty much anything that might be even remotely considered religious. there is a *REASON* as to why the word "CHRIST" appears in "CHRISTMAS."

    several jobs have i actually been in employ where it was directed upon the employees that we refrain from mentioning christmas at all and instead play it safe by wishing happy holidays. every time this mandate was pushed in our faces, i defiantly asserted back and instead greeted people with whatever the hell i damn well wanted to. personally, i don't care if the word christmas makes people uncomfortable or squirm in their shoes. gradually we as a people have become so concerned with the actual words themselves as to completely disregard the meanings or intentions behind such words. when i wish people a merry christmas, i do so with kindness and care, and genuine interest that their holiday season be one filled with cheer and good tidings. sadly, a lot of people only see the religious implications and erect barriers of self defense with the deluded premise that somehow by hearing a simple phrase, they become vulnerable to the supposed "brainwashing" of organized religion and thus carry on by kicking and screaming until a comfortable safety net has been reached.

    fuck that noise. it's a time for joyfulness, damnit. suck it up and just deal with it. at least, that's what the people in northern california need to do.

    and have a merry christmas.

  • 12.08.2004

    silver blue and frozen silence; what a fool i was for you 

    despair not.

    for arriving soon is another post from your favorite dante.

    gimmie some time, been a little busy lately.

    fill in the delay by checking out the other blogs linked off to the side. you hafta scroll down, but they are all worth it.

    and spread the love with comments.

    to them.

    and me.

    of course, do return back here soon, as well.

  • 12.03.2004

    you get all wired up inside, and it's bad to be alone 

    sadly, consumeristic driven interests tried to blanket the Christmas spirit over the mass public a few weeks ago before thanksgiving, but with myself being the bitter, heartless cynic that i happen to be, i have so far successfully managed to resist these temptations.

    in the past five years or so, i have exhibited a rather unique relationship with regards to the celebration of the birth of the messiah. typically, i don't actually feel any bit of the aforementioned holiday joy until a short time before midnight on the actual eve; right about the time a jolly old soul begins his pre-flight checklist and countdown.

    which brings me to mention - i am working as an assistant for the santa photo display at the local mall. those readers of this blog who happen to have suffered through my mundanely tuned rants for more than six months are familiar with my stint as the easter bunny and photographer in the spring of this year. and now once again, i am working for the same company, only this time to perform the duties of capturing good ol' st nick and his youthful desciples on printed medium.

    now, i am of a reasonably understanding state of mind, but why the fuck anybody would want a picture of santa claus and their *pet* sitting together is far beyond me. it sure as shit doesn't mean anything deeply sentimental to the animal - you can argue for a millenia all you want and still fail to convince me that the standard domisticated (or otherwise) dog or cat have any fucking clue what santa is or why the hell everybody is standing there yelling at them to look over in the direction of an oddly shaped object that momentarily blinds them.

    i can fathom people including their beloved companions as actual family members, but to ask of these creatures to put up with acting civil and obedient when surrounded by crying children and havibg been plopped at the feet of a large strange old man sporting a big red coat and thick beard is a bit much.

    my mind has been all sorts of fuckered lately. back about four weeks ago when i was struck by a blindsiding smash to the noggin with inspiration for my new script, i could hardly type fast enough to ensure that it all got down and cemented into place. right at the point when i reached one hundred and eight pages of screenplay, my muse decided to skip town and take a weekend bender in tj smoking a big fatty. the climax of the story i was able to reach, at which point the story raped yours truly and left me for dead.

    i can hardly make sense of what is going on in my brain, and there is no way in hell that i can attack the script in my current state of disorganization. every few days i will gather up the desire to read through ten pages or so, and not even five minutes later completely forget what i had just glossed over; eventually finding myself walking angrily away in utter frustration at the prospect of having lost all sense of mental cohesion.

    even something as mildly involved as composing blog entries has become a bit of a challenge, as i have increasingly resorted to isolating myself from all external stimuli such as music or breathing, just to be able to concentrate on forming sentences that are less than discombobulated. sean eloquently damaged any claims i had to credibility and exposed my utter shame - i substitute for this recently developed lack of ability by turning to the usage of intricate words that are not commonly found in the typical vernacular.

    but in my estimation, i seem to do a damn fine job of making the switch over, leaving nobody the wiser. oops. now i know why magicians never reveal their trade secrets. damn.

    rather frustrating has this become, and it is slowly reaching the point where i nearly rip the folicles straight from my cranium in the rather futile effort of hoping for some clarity to descend towards my general area and usher me from this dispicable fog.

    so far, no such luck.

    for the weekend i will be heading down to the santa cruz mountains after work at the mall to perform the duties of projectionist for a junior high youth gathering that our synod has put together. despite all of the disputes currently detonating over the landscape that is the congregation i formerly attended, i still care to be involved in events that are hosted by our regional gathering of elca churches, and as such have had an invitation extended to me that i may join in the trudge through snud (muddy snow) for a few days. perhaps this return to an environment that i usually feel a deep connection and receive great solitude from will aid in my helping to remove the constituents that have sanctioned embargos across the network of neurons that clusterfuck themselves with glee in the hurricane aftermath that is my brain.

    at the very least, i'll be sleeping no more than three feet away from an adequately working space heater. nothing like staying toasty when the weather takes a turn for its bunghole.

    one last note to preface the five hours of sleep i will attempt this morning before heading off to work - there is one singular piece of music that surefire can always cause me to weep like a lil' bitch with a skinned knee. try as i might, the influence of it makes it damn near impossible to continue to maintain the fragile barrier that holds back my emotions, and that is the piece 'christmas time is here' from the charlie brown tv special and records.

    shultz's protagonist always seemed a bit far too close to home as it was, and where as some people find bittersweet reminiscing of years gone by to be had in the lyric of this anthem, i find only a bleak lamentation of that which i fail to yield in discovery during my searches for personal resolution and inner peace around the holidays. every now and then, the saddistic self destructive side of me will drag out the album to have a good cry to, but aside from that, i do my best to avoid this tune if at all possible.

    tonight, while picking up a venti cappucino for a good friend, the first few piano notes began to broadcast from the in-store speakers at the starbucks i happened to have solicited, and i am greatly surprised that i managed to get myself out of the facility (with beverage) before the dump valves on my saline ducts could be removed and the precipitations to begin. never before have i ever faced that song in public, and i sure as hell am not inclined to make a tradition of doing so at this point.

    people around here have begun putting up their ornaments and lights in celebration of advent - whilst i myself have started work on the process of trying to keep myself from letting depression overwhelm me yet another year.

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