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11.30.2004

winds are stirred by planets in rotation 

i hate how nothing at all and absolutely everything can happen at the exact same fucking time.

in addition to the whole nonsense going on at our church that i touched upon in the previous post, the time has finally come for me to be removed from my domain and transitioned into the space that was formerly known as dad's office. since my father does happen to be the major financial generator for this family, the desicion for him to occupy the larger space that until two days ago was my bedroom, will assist him in being able to more efficiently carry out his daily tasks and provide total focus on his job to ensure that the wonderful paychecks that support our lives continue to arrive.

the past weekend was spent boxing up all my belongings (once again) and placing them in the room next door. this space is a significant degree smaller in physical area than the sleeping chambers i just departed from, and being that my parents gracefully continue to host me in their home without forcing me to worry about covering rent each month, there is pretty much little to be accomplished by my complaining to them about the whole situation.

such is life, i suppose.

thanksgiving was good, and yielded quite the warm and wonderful holiday for my family, once again. the festival bird and side dishes were most delicious, and were followed up by a late evening viewing of national treasure at the local century theater. while not the most mentally taxing affair, the film was a rather welcome distraction from all of the nuances of life that tend to creep into focus around this time of year.

normally, this is the season i begin my most intense sessions of self examination - studying who i was over the past year and what developments have arisen, taken me to new places, and broadened the experience on a whole that is my life. who i have become. who i might become.

i must say, this year has provided a *ton* of fodder to ponder over.

you'll be hearing from me a bit more, at any rate. i have this frightening sensation that i may have turned off many readers of my exploits by posting on a rather eratic basis. mostly this is due to my desire that those who visit my corner of the web ponder over each of the thoughts that i have displayed, rather than flooding you with an innundating amount of posts that generally lack any substance or character, and potentially having guests skip over the more important highlights.

i sincerely hope (and worry) that such a plan hasn't backfired or failed me greatly.

regardless, i may establish routine blog update days which you could reasonably expect to pour through my ruminations and babble. i haven't decided yet, but i am determined to make it a mission of mine to post to this journal a lot more so than i have in recent months.

and this time, i really do mean it.

a couple of people lately have asked me the rather annoying question of "do you know who you are" and i find myself at a loss to begin describing the state of my existence. i tend not to think of myself on a grand scale timeline, save the idyllic fantasies where i become super rich and famous beyond all imagination. the true reality is that my life is pretty much lived from day to day, and as such, there is no real way to encapsulate who i am and ascribe some grandoise explanation of it all.

who i am changes from year to year, day to day - hell sometimes, even hour by hour. two weeks ago, i was the drummer for a church contemporary worship band. this week, i am one of many who will stand before the church's council this tuesday night and declare anger and displeasure with how affairs at said church have been conducted over the last several years.

currently, i now have no place to practice or play drums for quite a while - except in my car while waiting on traffic laden freeways. note to aspiring instrumentalists, pounding on steering wheels that have airbags with a set of drum sticks is not an idea that possesses much wisdom behind it.

the landscape that is my mind undergoes tumultuous upheavels and restructing on a nearly constant basis. at times, i lack any surprise when i completely lose all sense of balance and stumble into things. of course, that could just be the fact that i am clumsy.

part of what is so difficult about facing my own self head on is that there is no solid ground upon which to tread. one day, i desire to be a film maker and create fanstastical motion pictures. the very next day, i may be so deep into artwork that i see myself becoming a graphic artist for a living. a few days later, the bug to begin working on video game level design strikes and i believe that my designation is to pursue such boulevards. the passage of a week follows, and i fancy myself as working to become a greatly respected writer.

by now i have begun to conclude that i just might be one of those individuals who doesn't figure out what his calling in life is until he reaches the middle of it. i wouldn't be surprised by this; i always have been slightly out of step with the rest of reality regarding most all other aspects of the last twenty five years of my life, although i seem to be finding out that a large number of my generation have yet to settle on any major career choices so far, either. ultimately, this kind of shiftlessness may be the result of nothing more than a healthy dose of supplemental apathy.

i dare anybody to contest my status as a member of the x generation, given the evidence you have thus been provided. i'm a pure and geniune slacker, through and through.

and slackers almost always invariably are forced to grow up and assume maturity at some point.

let's just hope that i still have a spell to sit and enjoy the prospects of my youth. i seem to continually demand it to a large degree.

but for now, i want you to go and check this out. it echoes a fair percentage of my own sentiments, and its got a cute lil' animated bunny no less.

time for me to pass out once again and set myself to begin mentally working on better and more stimulating blog posts.



  • 11.23.2004

    in the betrayal of his love he awakened, to face a world of cold reality 

    sorry folks.

    been busy lately.

    i was tempted to spend this time by carrying on about how much i have been missing monica, and how sleeping at night has become a damn near impossibility for me.

    but you have patiently been subjected to more than enough of that recently. and i thank you for putting up with me. that is, if i still even have *any* readers left, due to my less than regular update schedule.

    however - tonight i have something entirely different to bitch about.

    the youth director at our church (who is a good friend) came under fire about six months ago during a situation that some members of our church claim was an error in judgment on her part. long story short, nothing negative actually happened as a direct (or indirect) result of her choices.

    ever since then, a small group of people have been working on a way to remove her from her job. this week, they got their chance.

    she was fired this monday.

    for doing *absolutely nothing wrong.* sadly, our church consists of two major camps of people – those who are pushing the church to expand and grow, and those who want to simply restore the church back to the way it was when it started in the sixties. she was effectively eliminated as a result of the latter’s efforts.

    most of the proponents for reverting back to the days since gone by hold the majority of the money that supports the church and its programs. it is not unusual for a unanimous vote by the church council to be overturned by one wealthy individual who threatens to leave and take all of their donations with them if things do not go their own way. essentially for a long time now, this particular church has been governed through the extortionist behavior of several childish individuals.

    over the past year and half, my family has become steadily angsty with this church, and have felt little divine presence. for the most part we have remained attendees because it is more than convenient for us – the church is literally a block away from our house, and the only elca congregation within twenty miles. not too mention, we have a lot of good friends who worship there as well.

    i am also the current (and only) drummer for the contemporary worship band. it has gradually become the only time and place i have been able to play drums in the past few years; we lack any space in our house for me to setup my kit and practice on a regular basis.

    all of this has changed drastically in a bleak twenty four hour period.

    now, the part that is quite sickening to me is the immaturish method in which this incident has been carried out. horrendous back-stabbing, tawdry gossip, and wild accusations have been carried out between both parties as this steaming pile of shit that was festering began to grow. very few people who partook of this exodus acted in any manner that could even remotely be considered Christ-like. in fact, it is hurtful, unhealthy drama such as this that discourages quite a number of non-religious people to avoid attending any form of church what-so-ever.

    it really pisses me off. a huge amount of the shit that people do in the name of Jesus is revolting and degrading. to have a pastor stand before a congregation and declare of the need to forgive, while in secret is banning a few seemingly undesirable people from attending our church sends extremely crooked messages. giving some members more control over internal affairs simply because they could financially ruin the church should they choose to leave is insulting and disappointing.

    but never once do i ever blame religion itself for being a cause to this. instead, it is the corrupted hearts and minds of individuals so pathetically blinded by their own desires for vengeance and control that at times make me embarrassed to even be associated with them. part of the apprehension that i have for growing older is that i refuse to believe that at any point in my life i could have my own judgment become so clouded over by foolish arrogance as to not even deal with reality in any way that could be considered normal.

    and yet, there are people who continue to wreak their own misgivings upon others; refusing to acknowledge that any answer other than their own could even remotely be accepted. the most offensive of transgressions is that these select few continue to insist upon calling themselves christians. their words are ultimately empty and hollow – their intentions pave the glittering avenue towards the gates of hades. it infuriates me to no end that any of those who would so act in such a manner would dare to declare themselves disciples of the messiah. the teachings of Christ never manage to permeate through their closed minds and hearts. they reject that which they are commanded to do, and instead are die-hard in pursuing their own wills and not those of the Lord. tragically, this is what most people who are not religious often hear about churches the most.

    it brings great sadness to me to know that so many people refuse religion based solely on the actions of a few bad apples. there are so many who can benefit from the community that a church can offer when said church is not ripped in twain by the divergent attitudes of those who congregate within its walls. instead of discovering warm, welcoming safe groups of friends or the loving grace of God, far too many people only see fiercely determined rivalries that sour any potential they had of ever being evangelized.

    my apologies for getting all religious on your asses.

    circumstances being as they are, my family has decided to quit attending at this particular house of worship. many others are following suit, including our keyboardist, who happens to be an ordained minister. back when this whole mess started, my family declared boldly that should the time and need arise, we would be more than willing to host worship services at our home if he would preside over whatever size group we could gather. looks like i’ll need to start vacuuming the living room a lot more often.

    truly i hope for a day when people can assemble in the name of God and not be associated with those who propagate hateful agendas, but it seems as if that may be nothing more than an fanciful pipe dream.

    and to top it all off, boone from animal house has sold out and is appearing in a crappy made for tv senior citizen romantic comedy.

    this world is just gunning to shatter all my illusions of reality and leave me a broken, twisted individual. wake me up when normality returns.



  • 11.15.2004

    learning that we're only immortal for a limited time 

    it would seem that at the times i claim for myself the prize of having figured out various parts of the puzzle that is my life, all of the rules randomly change and i find myself standing back near the vicinity of square one. confused, bemused, and possibly even nauseous.

    of course, that could just be the runs talking. a person of fairly sound mind and faculties might conjecture that i spent the weekend drinking mexican tap water; indeed, the green apple splatters have come to call and i’m none too pleased at their reluctance to take their leave of me.

    but i’m sure you were just *dying* to know that.

    i have every indication of assuming that life has little intention of letting up with all of the goings on and what have you. this of course is a rather welcome change of pace from the standard faire; yet the more recent developments in the never ending saga that comprises my conscious mind during waking hours have deposited me once again at the door of bewilderment, and the only thing that makes current sense is jack and shit.

    and both are in fact, still in town.

    you’ll forgive me for not making a lick of sense thus far. in addition to the past forty eight hours of transpirings, my brain was just subjected to one hundred twenty minutes of absolute animated nonsense, as supplied most unapologetically by the good folks at cartoon network.

    most of my weekends as of late have been considerably noteworthy for multitudes of reasons. as was recalled in the previous post, last weekend i did not wind up discovering myself in solitary dominion of this residence. instead, once again i spent time with the family, and while this is not something i despise or even harbor any feelings of negativity over, i had been quite looking forward to getting the chance to be alone with my thoughts and self for a few days. and to crank up my stereo to intolerably destructive levels.

    nary was such the actual case.

    this current weekend, that being the one which ended only a few hours ago, did not fail to disappoint in what lately has become a challenge to further the progression of myself along the road towards destiny.

    i know you are just desperate to hear all about it.

    for those of you who have made it this far in the post without turning away at disgust due to my chaotic streams of thought, you might find it of interest to know that i once again found myself in rather fortuitous circumstances with a young woman. how young, i am not at liberty to state, but suffice it to satisfy all of the greedy claws digging for additional knowledge that the situation was more than adequately legal.

    it’s just a shame that it was, we shall declare, less than sufficient. the evening started off innocently enough – an acquaintance of mine whom i have alluded to in prior posts made her way over to my house in the interests of watching a movie and hanging out. desperately, i spent a frenzied couple of hours shoveling away at the piles of riff-raff that had been steadily accumulating on my bedroom floor, and eventually created a rather pleasant and inviting atmosphere, complete with scented candle and soft jazz.

    hugh hefner i most certainly am not.

    to pass the time away whilst i waited for my guest, i busied myself by watching snippets of a.i and trying to fathom as to why the fuck i would have purchased the dvd in the first place. always has it bugged me to no end that the human child in the film was a complete sociopath hell-bent on torturing a rather convincing facsimile of real life adolescents. and, i feel it almost entirely unnecessary to state, that quite mistaken was spielberg to decide upon introducing a narrator into the works at nearly two thirds of the way through the movie to help cover up the glaringly painful plot holes and contrived storyline.

    after my companion arrived (bearing beer), we settled upon a viewing of the princess bride. until ten minutes into the film, when she promptly declared her general dislike for what she had seen so far and suggested that we try a different flick. needless to say, the majority of my dvd collection sits on a shelf a bit too far above her intellectual zones of reasoning, and despite my utter terror at discovering that she had never even heard of the usual suspects, opted instead for the recruit which i had hoped would prove to be a bit closer to the realm of her mental grasp.

    delightfully enough, she rather enjoyed the film, and about halfway through i began cuddling her closer and closer, taking increasingly bolder steps as to hopefully ensure a satisfactorily memorable conclusion to the evening.

    the resulting hour and half left me utterly baffled and rather irate for once again having fallen prey to such a childish array of mind-games. it is not my place to go too much further into the details regarding the events that transpired – but if you must know, i was more so disappointed with the lack of genuine emotional connection than any frustrations that may have surfaced over the denial of carnal solicitations.

    the majority of saturday i spent snuggled in a pleasantly toasty cocoon, rising only to seek a rather late afternoon lunch at wendys, and to begin a rather long correspondence online with someone i consider to be a very good friend. as it were that my birthday dinner could not actually be enjoyed on the proper celebratory date commemorating my entrance into this world, it was such that in the evening of this saturday my family and i gathered to enjoy a most scrumptious palette; consisting of pot roast, mashed potatoes, and several gallons of deliciously rewarding gravy. sadly, the whoopee pies won’t appease my appetite until later this monday.

    once again, i ended up avoiding the pesky nocturnal cycle by continuing to engage in stimulating chat, until at last the chemical processes governing my basic motor skills disparagingly failed and forced me to succumb to a less than brief period of regeneration.

    this of course was not until after a point in the wee morning hours when i became more than blatantly aware of certain uncontrollably frustrating circumstances, and began loosing all form of emotional togetherness. quite painfully, the dam that had at one time been holding back the full breadth of my current grief shattered and gave way to a torrential flood of helpless desperation.

    i am debating whether it should read “helpless” or “hopeless” in that previous sentence. both words equally qualify for the position.

    so do i desire to note at this time that an anonymous affiliation contributed a rather sizeable donation in the interests of providing me some relief from the stresses associated with financial discouragements. sincere gratitude do i humbly offer in response to the party in question. they know who they is.

    having provided rhythmic tempos and catchy beats earlier on sunday morning in worship to the heavenly Father, i attempted to ignore the somersaults that my intestines insisted upon showcasing to my other organs, and joined a group of colleagues in search of breakfast like substances. such was discovered, and most thoroughly enjoyed, even though at several points in the meal i contemplated whether or not i had enough methane coursing evilly through my system to be able to launch myself into lower orbit.

    returning home, i expedited my trek to relieve the abdominal tension that plagued me so, and afterwards laid down for a brisk nap with an exceedingly simple plan to recover some of the energy i had failed to gain at having not taken to slumber with the frequency of a normal person. fate had other plans, and kept me incapacitated for the majority of the day. eventually rising from my restful pursuits, i came to discover that my inbox hailed what could possibly be the prelude to yet another chapter in the ether that has begun to gradually take focus as my life.

    a letter, sent innocuously from the chair person of percussion at pacific lutheran university; a man who not only remembered me from having applied two years ago, but even expressed a desire to open up further bridges of communication with yours truly over the implications that i might actually have a shot at seeking higher formal education in the near future.

    naturally, it would serve to ask for those of you who have some how managed to make it this far in reading the post, to cross one’s fingers in a show of good luck towards myself. for that, i would grant you my pleasant thanks.

    and now, again with the sleep.



  • 11.09.2004

    because he was moral they called him insane 

    lot been going on.

    well, sort of and no at the same time.

    per usual.

    originally the house was supposed to be completely void of any other family units this weekend, leaving me to bask in solitude and delightful recklessness. however, this ended up sadly not being the case, and thus my devious plan of watching films on the surround sound setup at full volume and spending most of my time walking around in the nude was not actually realized. in addition, i had wanted to setup my drum kit in the living room, being that it currently exists in disassembled parts in the corner of my bedroom. it’s been a long time since i just sat down and practiced along to albums, and this had looked like a good opportunity to do just this. alas, this also was defeated.

    which in some ways worked itself out, because as i had stated in a prior post, what degree of good is an empty house without some form of female companionship to occupy at least a significantly bootylicious segment of one’s time?

    i suppose i could have gotten a hooker, but being that i am broke and not too fond of having gangly pimps break my legs, that plan exhibits some seriously questionable flaws.

    the parental bodies were going to be extricated from the normal routine by joining dad’s boss, doug, up in victoria canada for a company meeting/vacation. this was cut short due to doug’s father taking a medical turn for the worse; currently he is sadly below par with arafat in regards to health.

    on halloween eve, i again filled in some time with the company that hired me to do the easter bunny gig way back in the spring. this particular recent event was the “great pumpkin,” which was really just a cheap jack-o-lantern costume that one of our gals wore for two hours at the mall and had pictures taken with hyperactive kids. once again, i played the part of photographer, and negotiating the sales pitch to angsty yuppie parents.

    seeing as how all of the stores in the mall were giving out candy to trick or treaters, the place was mobbed, and a significant portion of those present were hot single mothers. the gal in the pumpkin suit and i were taking bets as to how many numbers nick would have gotten that night. surprisingly, he didn’t even make any efforts. i didn’t either, even though there was a rather striking older single woman that kept looking over at me while her kid ran around throwing toys at people.

    from wednesday night on, i’ve been writing at a feverish pace to get the first draft of the new screenplay done. this understandably has been taking up a considerable portion of my time; now you know why i have been negligent in posting lately. brief synopsis of the script – a group of three friends who work in a tech support department spend their time talking about occupations, girls, and their futures. oh, and they drink beer and get laid. for the most part, it’s going to be a buddy flick comedy, with some commentary on society and other mature-ish topics.

    when i started a few days ago, i had but seven or so pages of ideas that masato, myself, and a couple of other friends had come up with. five days later, the script is now at 92 pages and counting. i’ve been quite exuberantly pleased as this film has basically been writing itself, but there are so many good concepts and possibilities that i find we may have to cut out quite a bit. there are several overall running themes in the film that i haven’t even had a chance to interweave, and i will need to hear some of the conversations re-enacted to determine whether bits of the dialogue really will work or not.

    basically, nothing more than the standard issues that you encounter while writing a script.

    hopefully i may even have it done by the end of the week.

    we’ll see.

    i was quite bothered with a line of thinking that had crept into my brain just before i left new mexico. when i picked up my ticket from the check-in counter at the airport, and had begun walking towards security (where, by the way – i got randomly selected for additional screening for the first time), in my heart i was desperately hoping that monica would come running back up to where i was and ask me not to go. to stay with her.

    more recently in a similar fashion, a part of me (a very recessed, mentally blocked part) keeps waiting for monica to call me up and tell me how she realized she wants me to come back to be with her.

    this is all of course just idle fantasy, mind you. that kinda bullshit never actually happens in real life; just in season finale cliff-hangers to boost lackluster tv ratings, and in poorly written love films from the mid-eighties. i suppose it could be the hopeless romantic in me that yearns for such reunions of kindred spirits, but thankfully, my team of advisors regarding depressing realism are far more outspoken and keep me more or less in line.

    in time, i know that i will eventually move on and not dwell on thoughts of that which has passed. part of why i am so eager to get moving on this next project is to accelerate the pace at which my life generally keeps stuck in low gear. given that i am now a quarter of a century in age, i am beginning to feel the suggestive influences of time that dictate that my quantity of it is increasingly disappearing.

    or in other words, i am getting much older way too damn fast.

    by next summer i hope to be mid-production on this new film, but as far as companionship goes, i haven’t the foggiest idea as to what the timeline might be. a part of me is understandably still clinging to monica (a part that needs to grow up, i might add), and another part of me is just so unsure about the current romantic landscape. i think that in more recent years, i have successfully proven that i lack the finesse and deftness of introducing myself to foreign members of the opposite sex. hell, throughout most of my life my ice breaking skills with women were shitty beyond belief. not so true when i was a young child; of course, part of the innocence of youth is that you tend not to possess any sexual agenda when it comes to meeting members of another gender (or in some cases, the same).

    but i’m just no good at picking up women. monica was a clear cut textbook case of what my ideal situation is; a single woman is introduced to me by a mutual friend and we share common interests. after that, it’s only a matter of time before hormones take over and steer a sexy course for the parties involved. the major obstacle is that i don’t happen to be on the inside with any crowds that have single women amongst them. most all of my friends are on board the bachelor cruise along with myself. the women that occasionally hang out with us, if any, are pretty much already spoken for.

    when i haven’t been busy searching desperately for employment, or negating regular sleeping patterns in favor of drafting screenplays, i have gone out into the real world again and attempted to mingle with people. nearly every place i go, one common thread rings true; the women all have rings on their fingers. i might be blatantly, even ridiculously mistaken, but it would seem that around my geographical area, single women just don’t actually go anywhere. and if they do manage to escape the thresholds of their residences, it is more often than not in the company of large groups of friends. going up to talk to *one* unknown woman is unbelievably intimidating enough – let alone doing so in the open witness of all of her close acquaintances.

    many people have tried to convince me that i actually do have the faculty to be able to address total strangers and initiate conversation, yet this is generally only capable under incredibly specific circumstances. once again, with monica being the prime example, she was a part of our group. despite the fact that i did not know her personally at the time, by her simply being there with her friends (key words here, people) that were already members of our group, in a way, i did know her – if at least only by proxy for starters. a significantly huge edge was thus taken off, especially since i had already become platonically friendly with her associates.

    that creates a remarkable difference from the concept of just going up to a random person who up until the moment you first noticed them had yet to exist. a lot of the people who attempt to give me advice fail to distinguish this simple yet ultimately crucial fact when it comes to the way i meet people. i come by anxiety fairly easily, and intense social situations that involve an even more significant risk on my part generally are the ones my fragile ego likes happily to avoid.

    but lord, how i do miss the kissing.

    for a long time now i have believed that things happen for a reason, and that part of that whole arrangement is the timing with which they choose to occur. so must it be that eventually in due time, i again will find myself graced by the company of a suitable female partner.

    let me allude to something written a bit earlier in this post – i have been earnestly seeking any form of decent income. this has involved things such as registering with a temp agency, to scouring various different consumer locations that have displayed signs indicating a need for employees. a good friend of mine, spring, suggested that i put up a “save dante” paypal account or something similar on my blog. she figured that people would be willing to help me out while i continue the search for more steady financial blessings.

    i must say that i have been toying with the notion. the responses you guys present in your comments will help me to determine if the venture is indeed worthwhile. lemme know – if you are willing to help support your good pal here, i’d be more than tickled pink. perhaps some sort of compensation can be arranged – custom writings or artwork created by yours truly to entice readers to contribute? possibly even a membership type system, where those who donate are treated to special perks, gifts, and services i can provide?

    for the single ladies who read my blog (i’m not even sure if there are any), the definition of services could most certainly include meaningful companionship for those lonely winter nights…. ;-)

    whining about my ex and begging for charity. what next?

    how bout i go get some sleep?



  • 11.06.2004

    when all around is madness, and there's no safe port in view 

    fuck. i keep telling myself that i need to post something, and then i usually forget all about it.

    but to be fair, i *have* been busy writing around forty pages of script in the last two days, playing gta san andreas, and looking for work. these tasks so far have occupied a fairly large percentage of my time as of late.

    in fact, today i even managed to convince myself that i actually had made a blog post, what with all the things i had to do and what was going on in my mind. such is the chaos that my brain exists in for the time being.

    i will be setting up more posts in the works, but give me some time. good things are worth waiting for.

    one last thought for this round - does anybody else think the name "grateful dead" is a touch misleading? when i hear that moniker, my mind conjurs up thoughts of heavy acid, death metal rock that sounds like the gates of hell are being ripped apart by a force more evil than satan.

    not easy listening folk/pop music.

    false advertising, man.



  • 11.01.2004

    we will pay the price, but we will not count the cost 

    november’s playboy *finally* arrived.

    only fifteen days late, i might add.

    some progress might be gleamed with regards to employment opportunities for yours truly since i registered last week with the same temp agency that was able to find mom a job. we’ll hafta see what kind of luck i have at the moment, as i have been getting massively tired of filling out the same damned information on every single job application in the grim hope that i am worthy enough of jockeying a register or some other pointlessly menial task.

    that’s a bit unfair, i realize. it’s not to say that sales jobs are bad, but i just truly can’t make it as a sales person. i’m not nearly aggressive enough without becoming overtly pushy, so that pretty much rules out any hopes i would have with regards to that entire profession. besides, i’ve developed enough intense bitterness and hatred towards consumers that i doubt that any sort of customer service job would work out well enough on my behalf. far too often am i sorely tempted to just tell annoying throngs of people to go fuck off that my tongue would easily land me in definite trouble.

    my ideal job is one which involves little to no direct interaction with customers of any kind. or most people, for that matter. film making, if i can indeed eventually turn that into my career is more than acceptable since the people you work and deal with on film sets are pretty cool to hang around and in general i look at the crafting of a film in a favorable light. it’s essentially way too much fun to label with such a negative term such as ‘work.’

    i must offer a correction for something that has provided a bit of confusion for those of you who do read my site. my current search for a relationship is not solely based on my annoyingly omnipresent sex drive; truthfully the sex is just an extremely delightful fringe benefit of any company a significant other can bring to the table. in reality, i want pretty much everything that a relationship can offer, and not just the sinfully wicked extracurricular activities. most of the times that you guys hear from me, my libido just happens to be in the frame of mind where-upon i lose sight of any long term goals as far as finding a lover go, and i instead desperately yearn for some sort of cheap and easy thrill. so sorry for the mix up.

    although, it is a damn shame that i have the house all to my lonesome for five days and yet not a single woman to spend that time with. five days can present all sorts of opportunities for breaking international decency laws, as well as getting royally trashed on whatever alcohol i can scour up from the cabinets. just kidding.

    it’s really only four and a half days.

    for a spell there was one possible partner in crime, but she’s a total flake and i constantly evaluate why i even bother continuing to talk with her. the fact that she’s cheated on the last two boyfriends she managed to sucker into going out with her and is currently sleeping with three other people at the same time says a lot with regards towards her character. like the chump i typically can be, i keep falling into the many traps that she sets up and playing along with all her stupid little mind games.

    although, lately i’ve been tossing back some equally wicked and evil play towards her direction, and the results have been surprisingly quite satisfying. most people would be quick to point out that you can’t usually outsmart a con-artist, but i have been pleasantly blessed with more than desirable results. sometimes, it is just such an enjoyable sport to completely wreck the soul of a person that deserves to learn a lesson or two about toying with other people (even though i fully acknowledge how hypocritical that goal can be).

    but don’t get me wrong. i’m not too terribly vindictive. most of the mind games i have been twisting her brain around aren’t terribly devious or underhanded, and in fact i’m soon likely to just stop talking to her altogether since she’s pretty much nothing more than an anchor that serves only to drag me down to the moral bottom with her.

    there is one other woman that i am interested in right now, although i doubt that she is aware of it just yet since i haven’t really had any opportunity thus far to indicate such intentions. she and i have had a good conversation together in person, and hopefully in time things could blossom to something a bit more involved. we’ll see.

    i very rarely ever cross my fingers anymore.

    although, if i know how the universe works (usually i do not), i can pretty much guarantee that it won’t turn out how i would prefer.

    perhaps i should stop letting myself fail before i even try, even though i have gone through the system way too many times to deny myself the lessons i have often painfully been handed by it.

    a lot of people have been expressing their desires to get on with the upcoming election and let it all pass, but i am sadly more than aware of the glaringly depressing fact that regardless of the outcome of this particular presidential campaign, the currently charged political climate will not only fail to dissipate, it will more than likely go critical and continue to devour the morals and attitudes of our citizens for the next four years.

    if bush wins, you *know* that all of the anti-gw camps will continue to bitch and whine about how he should have lost/ how stupid he is/ how the election was fixed/ other annoyingly irritating bullshit. if kerry wins, all of the bush fans will cry foul and sulkingly pout well beyond the point in time when people still bother to listen. either way, i have it on good authority that we will find little solace when the results are revealed later on this week.

    i’m less than enthused at the prospect of looking forward to hearing people lament for the next four years about the decisions that come from the significance of tomorrow. how do i know this will happen? hell; there are *still* people who are bitter and haven’t made peace with the fact that gore didn’t get in the office four years ago. what could possibly lead me to believe that the same type of ignorance regarding the electoral process won’t propagate into the future as well?

    modern politics is an utter joke anyways, and the majority of those who participate in such a fallacy eagerly slaughter the concepts that were set forth by our founding fathers. you can’t stand there and tell me that any of our politicians are exempt of the corrupt nature that power entices, and you can’t convince me that there aren’t less than ideal motivations behind our nation’s leaders. it’s just simple logic. power and money corrupt, and political figures usually find both of them in overwhelming abundance during their ascensions through the ranks of our government.

    the blindly arrogant allegiances that some people hold for their political party of choice is a truly disgusting and utterly intellectually insulting spectacle. a potential modern-day hitler could practically waltz himself into any of the major camps, gain favor with the constituents, and eventually claim the prize of becoming the most powerful man in the world simply by shmoozing the blissfully un-educated masses who faithfully pursue whatever candidate their party is able to dig up. voting should never be based on ties to particular groups or parties; nor should it be done so in the spirit of electing “the lesser of two evils.” voting should simply be done by what you consciously know to be the correct choice to make.

    “what is right is not always popular, but what is popular is not always right” is a phrase that comes to my mind anytime an election happens to descend upon us. i wonder how many people will go to the booths tomorrow and vote for their candidate based primarily on the fact that that is who their friends and those that they respect are voting for. these thoughts send shivers down my spine. the realization that people exercise such carelessness regarding as important a matter as the ruler of the free world is a dreadfully frightening one.

    i will gladly state that neither bush nor kerry deserve my vote. i don’t care for those two men, and i don’t wish to be responsible for either one of them getting into office. some people might criticize me for “throwing away my vote” by not electing either a republican or democrat, yet i tend to reconcile it in my mind as my own little protest to a democracy/republic that gleefully produces the illusion that it is composed of more than two parties.

    it’s a damn good thing i’m not a hemophiliac; the magnitudes of the nose bleeds i get would have kept me from ever reaching adolescence.

    i think i’ve done enough bitching for now. several friends got me two quite wonderful gifts for my birthday: the first season of ‘that 70’s show’ on dvd, and a copy of grand theft auto: san andreas. i’d stay here and continue to babble some more for you, but frankly for nows, i gots me some fools to go cap in los santos.


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