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10.27.2004

jack, relax; get busy with the facts 

i figure that it is fair to break up my blog posts with small ones after really large ones.

so here we go....

well, boston just won the world series. that fucking rocks.

and so does this.

you can check out the complete album of how i spent an afternoon making this year's jack-o-lanterns here.

in other words: go here!

who's got da skillz?

oh yeah.

that's right.



  • 10.24.2004

    the world is a cage for your impotent rage, but don't let it get to you 

    the latest playboy issue has failed to arrive.

    after spending some much needed time cruising down the streets of the city of vice, and indiscriminately firing rockets at any appealing target that happened to pass me by, i laid down on my sofe/bed like apparatus this afternoon to take a quick nap.

    four hours later, i drowsily collected the trash and tried to ignore the headache i was feeling from having taken such a long bit of rest. part of what prompted me to go doze off was the fact that i characteristically got a shitty night’s sleep again.

    and a bigass dragonfly just passed between me and the monitor. wonder how he got in the house….?

    no doubt inspired by the accumulating stress that is mounting on me from seeking in vain to get hired for basically anything that involves a civilized pay structure, i haven’t been going to sleep when i technically should be. my old, disgusting sleeping habits pre-film trip have re-surfaced and have been providing me with an odd sense of rhythm; the familiar night owl timetable has come back to me and very rarely do i ever actually go to bed before two am.

    some nights have been worse than others. like saturday night, after i stayed up listening to music following the first viewing of the eternal sunshine dvd that i got as a birthday gift this week. i had loved the film when first i saw it on the big screen, and was hoping that its awesome power would transfer over to the smaller, more intimate experience that the concept of home video has conveniently applied to modern life.

    indeed it had, yet during this viewing, i didn’t find myself as nearly torn by the rather fucked up story that charlie kaufman managed to pen together as i did the first time. the only part of the film that had a depressing effect on me ironically was one of the deleted scenes; the intimacy that was being displayed with convincing realism by kate winslet towards carrey reminded me intensely of a particular night between monica and myself. feeling the need to drown myself in self-affirming music after being handed such a stark moment of humility, i proceeded to stare blankly off into the distance in the dark as i tried without success to lose my thoughts in the sea of confusion that lately my mind has become.

    last night was a different story. there was just music, and while i don’t regret staying up until four in the morning listening passionately to largely a selection i haven’t tread upon in several months, the deprivation of natural sleep certainly took its toll on me as evidenced by my late afternoon slumber.

    something inside me had persisted an overwhelming desire to listen to a long list of songs that i haven’t paid nearly enough attention to as of late, and for once, i was able to sit still with myself and allow each song to reach its full completion before patiently moving on to the next. moments like these that strike me in times when i find it hard to concentrate on hardly anything are greatly appreciated.

    i’ve begun passing out in the middle of family guy again. something about the eleven to midnight hour, and occasionally the midnight to one am hour that afflicts my brain with heavy weariness. or maybe i just have been getting too comfortable on the sofa during adult swim. in either case, in much the same manner as it did several months ago, this annoys me quite so.

    my birthday was a good day; filled with a degree of sadness, mixed in with deep soul searching and self examination. who am i kidding? i do this all the time, yet for some reason, it felt different on that particular day. twenty five years. a quarter of a century. one third of my life completed. in theory i could stand about and wonder if this is what my life is supposed to be, but such pursuits are rather fruitless and ultimately little more than a waste of time. there is no real waterline to which i need measure up to; nor is there any benchmark for me to surpass or major challenge to overcome. while i have lately tried to make something hopefully productively out of my life, at times i sit in abandonment and wonder why our society makes big deals of such simple matters.

    at least i got laid before i reached my birthday. with pride, and a degree of satisfaction, i can now enjoy the end of the current year which is nearly two months off. so often did i finish off yet another calendar stretch of three hundred and sixty five point four days with the depressing realization that once again had i failed to find myself in the intimate company of a woman. so, i suppose the only significant milestone i actually had applied to myself has been accomplished, and i can die with a content smile on my face.

    not that i plan on expiring anytime soon; rather well am i acutely aware of all the dangers that could conceivably pluck my light from the starry night sky that is humanity. in a world where people around my age fall over dead from seemingly no logical cause at all (yes, i have known several people whose untimely deaths were never properly explained), i understand all too painfully the need to live life to its fullest and make the most out of each moment.

    actually, that’s bullshit. all too often do i find myself sitting around and idly wasting time. perhaps if the me of the future (or that whom i shall become) could travel backwards along time and witness just all the things he conveniently blocked from memory about his life, i am sure i would be in for such an ass-whoopin. pretty pathetic is the day when you get the beat down from a future version of yourself.

    which is why, having recently developed a taste for the acts of fornication (ideally lacking any form of conception might i add), in speedy time must i develop another relationship from which i can gleam sexual solace.

    my mind had been correct in predicting that which i would have enjoyed most behind closed doors, and that was bringing pleasure and release to another person. sure, getting off is equal to what it is cracked up to be, but the true satisfaction i usually had came when my partner did. in my mind, that is what sex is truly about; giving of yourself entirely to another person and not expecting anything back; far too often in our world it seems that most men have trouble understanding such a laughably simple concept as selflessness that they find themselves yielding less than ideal results when handling the sexual landscape that women happen to be.

    i speak this as if i know what i actually am talking about. truthfully i do not, and find myself wondering in amazement how it is at times that i manage to even possess the proper knowledge to get through life without accidentally killing myself in rather comical ways.

    although for just nineteen ninety five, i too can have the larger, fuller bust that i’ve always dreamed about. sincerest apologies for any confusion; my inbox felt this post deserved a random divergent.

    since the members of my household were unable to all assemble together on the actual date of my birth, a dinner of pot roast, mashed potatoes, and whoopee pies to commiserate my having lived this long thusly will take place in the unforeseeable near future. my brother’s birthday celebrations didn’t actually happen until a couple weeks ago; several months after the actual day. hopefully mine is relatively sooner by comparison.

    otherwise, not a whole lot happened that day. mom and dad presented me with a check to cover the amount of my car payment for the month of october; something that was gratefully acknowledged as my sole birthday gift from them for this year. thankfully it keeps the repo man from hooking the back of my car to an evil towing unit of doom for yet another month.

    this friday i had the distinct pleasure of getting to meet lisa of ethernautrix for some coffee and idle discussion in the afternoon. originally we had both planned for an hour’s or so worth of gossip regarding other bloggers whose sites we frequent; what ended up actually developing was a four hour conversation that pretty much covered every topic humanly possible and then some. and while lisa seems to feel that she was out of place by dominating the conversation for the majority of our afternoon, i rather enjoyed the chance to sit and discuss at length the number of topics that we managed to get through before she had to go take care of some errands. again, that whole selfless thing. nobody more so than i understands and appreciates the need to vent and talk; those who meet me in person generally find that i am quite lax when it comes to conversation.

    i suggest you go give her a read; her content is usually quite intriguing, despite that she feels as of late that she has spent too much time talking about herself on her own blog, and that she doesn’t think that her posts have been interesting enough. she is definitely a typical libra, enough to be of the mind that even her best is somehow lacking and that her efforts are in vain. if you don’t understand; don’t ask. it’s an october thing.

    with november comes the knowledge that i must move from the room i currently am occupying, to the room that dad has up to this point in time been putting to use as his business office. the rather sketchy excuse provided so far is that my room is bigger and he requires the additional space, even though i am soberly aware of the fact that both rooms are nearly identical regarding square footage, except for about three or four additional feet in my room that is rather unusable being that any use of it precludes the use of the closet.

    several ulterior motives are suspect in my mind; i believe this is a subtle nudge from the family that i take my leave of them and find residency somewhere else. personally, i don’t blame them; there are few women who find it sexy that a man still lives with his parents while being so close to his thirties that the oncoming advance of years passes by in a mad blur. generally, i would accept this invitation, were it not for the depressing lack of income or employ that some might consider rather crucial when seeking out sufficient space to inhabit. even with paycheck in hand, i would likely need to locate several roommates to help split a rent; otherwise there is no humanly possible way for me to afford living within several hundred miles of here.

    which all leads back to the depression of finding work. the steady increase of unemployment anxiety has been eroding my enjoyment of life as i struggle desperately to locate a means of ensuring consistent amounts of income grace my bank account. there are only so many hours in a day, and of those, even less that there is opportunity to locate work, yet my parents have been getting steadily impatient with the delay in my lack of securing a job. this, i tell you, does not add any degree of help by any measure of the word. to be fair, i have only spent evening hours and early morning fits of insomnia to work on developing my current screenplay, yet this diversion they feel is unacceptable and will only lead to further delaying my re-entry into the work force.

    seeing as how writing films and then making them kind of happens to be on my list of goals in life, to give up now would be yet another dismal failure in a long line of un-pursued passions and interests that have tantalized my imagination over the past several years. i dare not give in once again; i fully intend to complete this current script and proceed forth with filming and creating; albeit with some important lessons having been gleamed from my first go at the process over the past few months.

    november’s playboy is now ten days late. that shit better get here soon seeing as how i already paid the twenty dollar subscription fee for a full two years only ten months ago. by my count, that still leaves fourteen additional issues that i should have the privilege of looking forward to.

    and that damned dragon fly is still hovering around here somewhere. what the fuck value do those bastards have to the food chain, anyways? other than being tasty morsels for spiders, i suppose.

    which reminds me of a thought i have been mulling over recently. i find it rather disturbing that we have a billion plus radio frequency id tags glued to the abdomens of insects throughout the world, yet we have failed to offer an intelligent means of security to any of the civilians working in iraq by neglecting to wire them into a similar system and having the luxury of locating them with any handy gps satellite whenever a person goes missing. now, i fully understand that this may just be my own opinion, but i feel that perhaps being able to find kidnap victims before they have their fucking heads removed in some dank third world shit hole is a far nobler goal than tracking the migration patterns of dung beetles in south america.

    but then again, that is just me.

    which happens to be the me that is going to go make a run for the border for some dinner, and then later on pass out in what likely may be yet another futile attempt to recover the sleep that my body seems so annoyingly persistent on getting.



  • 10.20.2004

    lonely things like nights i find end finer with a friend 

    hurrah for me!

    so far i've managed to stay alive for 25 years as of this day.

    here's hoping i see another quarter of a century...

    make with the comments and good wishes already!



  • 10.19.2004

    and if the music stops, there's only the sound of the rain 

    about two or three weeks ago, my brain decided to check out.

    i think it has something to do with the let down of completing the production stage of ‘land of entrapment,’ but equally what has a hand in my recent state of mind has been the fact that i haven’t gotten laid in over a month now.

    whenever i actually am in possession of my mind, it usually has only one track.

    and the final stop is hornsville.

    herald the return of the disgustingly long blog post!

    there has been very little that i have been able to concentrate on lately. this has been bothering me quite a bit, as it would seem that there is not a lot that is capable of capturing my greatly disappearing attention span. i keep saying to myself that i need to blog, and then realizing after five days that i have failed to do so.

    at least in this case, i only posted a few days ago. for reasons that will become obvious tomorrow (wednesday), i intend to make another post as well.

    this is getting frustrating... i can’t even turn to music as an avenue of solace: i’ll get so impatient with one song, and desiringly anticipate the next that i’ll keep skipping forward a track in the middle of each song. lately it has been a rarity if i even get halfway through a piece of music before loosing interest and wishing to move on with the next.

    it could be just my reflections on life and the steadily increasing passage there of. i have a mixture of ambitious impatience and debilitating apathy. never assume that it is a pure joy to occupy the space that i seem to find myself in.

    from deep inside i feel the push to start working on developing the rest of my life; that somehow there is less time left on the clock than i originally assumed under arrogantly blind eyes. to help relieve that pressure, i have begun working on a new script; a treatment documenting the lives of a group of call center technical support representative friends.

    and the “m” key on my keyboard still sticks.

    masato, who was the storyboard artist for land of entrapment, and is currently still employed as a phone monkey has hung out with me to help assemble a slew of ideas that we hope to put to minidv tape sometime next summer. another friend of ours, dave, has also gotten in on the action, and joined us for several friday night gatherings the past few weeks to come up with concepts and inspiration that will hopefully aid us in making an entertaining film.

    the ambition is present, and my spirit is eager to move into this new project, both to satisfy my desire to be doing something to further my goals in life, and take advantage of the available time before it all expires in the blink of an eye.

    for a long time, all i could see was the rearview mirror hanging over the dashboard of my being. going over the past, ruminating on experiences and lessons learned. thoughtful introspections.

    but lately, all of that has given way towards looking into the future and attempting to find the place that eventually will i inhabit. who is the person that will be me in five years? in ten?

    the first term of driver’s licenses in the state of california last only three years, after which you must renew (if you wish to continue legally driving, that is) and then you are graced with a five year stretch of not having to worry about frequenting the gates of hell that the friendly department of motor vehicles has over the years come to be known as.

    actually, this time was not bad at all. i managed to get in, get called, have my affairs put into order, and leave in less than five minutes.

    at eight am when the dmv opened.

    on a monday.

    had i known the wait would have been non-existent, i would have neglected to bring the ipod, but with the new system of organization that the state government seems to have imposed on their offices, very much so impressed was i.

    the point of that randomly detached annecdote: i won’t need to go and renew my license again until 2009. who will i be then? where will i be? will i *even* be???

    ok, i lied… i have spent a bit more time looking back towards my past.

    but mainly because i got to thinking about who i was three years ago when i first got my license.

    working in technical support for the first time, finally getting my very first set of wheels, making money and generally seeming happy.

    no wait, i was miserable at that job. the people was the only thing that made it bearable. but the point is, i was a far different person than who i am today, even though in some ways, things haven’t changed at all.

    all of these factors are weighing in on me, yet there is one force that crushes me down and causes me to suffocate under its power: lethargy.

    there is a significant portion of me that refuses to do anything, and wants to simply vegetate. i know not how to combat this. more than likely, it is the influence of a possible aspergers syndrome infliction. if indeed it is (which i will discover the results of in the hopefully near future), than once treatment begins i will be able to finally move on and strive to foray into my destiny with diligence and eagerness.

    until then, i feel little more than a blob that is wasting space.

    only a fraction of that is caused by my current lack of employment. even when i *am* holding a job (usually one i hate), very infrequently do i have feelings of motivation. i can’t really think of any time that i actually enjoyed any job i had. aside from the good friendships that i developed with my co-workers, i generally loathed most of the employment that has occupied my time.

    and in times of desperation, it gets even worse. at the present, i no longer have the luxury of looking for a job; instead i must search for a paycheck. doesn’t matter where, so long as i secure enough monetary funds to keep bill collectors at bay. were it not for my current cell phone provider and all of their fucked up hidden costs, i wouldn’t be finding myself in such financial dire straits.

    today at wendy’s, there was this girl/woman that intrigued me so. i couldn’t figure out her age at all; she was about as tall as the girl that i assumed to be her sister, who looked around seven or eight years old, and a tad shorter than the definitely older lady that i guessed was her mom. but the way she was dressed and the way she acted suggested she was a lot older than she looked. she wasn’t like a midget; her proportions weren’t all screwy. she was just, short.

    she wore a very tasteful frilly skirt, much like you might see a business woman wear, and a very nice looking leather jacket, under which was a normal shirt. the jewlery, purse, and lines around her face suggested she was at least in her twenties, but i couldn’t help but wonder just how old she in fact actually was.

    very much so tempted was i to go up to her and ask, but i declined out of respect. had she been underage, i don’t really think it would have been rather appropriate to inquire her as to her age right there in front of her mom and sister. typically, hitting on a person when they are in close proximity to their family usually doesn’t score a whole lot of points.

    but she was more than slightly pretty. i couldn’t stop glancing over at her to check her out, and felt insanely guilty that she was probably only sixteen or something. still, it was a nice bonus to go with a great biggie order of fries.

    the dreams i had last night were deeply symbolic in some fashion. a woman and i were in a fancy mansion/hotel type place, and while standing together in a marble lined bathroom, i got her undressed and began fingering her gently until she was super wet. she laid down eagerly in a large bathtub for me, and i went to go get a condom from my suitcase. the bag was in my car, so i went down to the parking structure and got it, but coming back up i had to pay to enter the hotel, and i didn't seem to have enough change for entry. the woman who was waiting for me upstairs had to be at the airport in a half hour, and i started having a total breakdown about how it was the last time i would get to be with her, and how i was gonna miss it due to some moron telling me i had to pay to get into the damn building.

    later on in another dream, as i was kissing some other random girl, my thoughts drifted to monica, and this painful guilt came over me that i was making out with somebody that wasn’t her. after the kiss, i found myself floating chest high in a large indoor pool, with a lot of familiar faces leaning against the edge of the basin along with me. out towards the middle of the pool was a giant blue plastic tarp that somebody had forgotten to remove from the pool, and was covering the deep end. during a conversation between me and this girl sitting next to me, a guy dove off the highest springboard and landed smack in the middle of the tarp, the edges madly rushing towards the center which was plunged deep into the water, wrapping around the diver. he managed to escape from the deadly cocoon, and i woke up to the sound of pounding rain outside my window this morning.

    a lot of the dreams i have been having recently have had incredibly odd themes to them, and the select locales that they take place in have begun increasing in complexity and style. a few nights ago, i dreamt that i sat on a hill that had been covered over by a greenhouse style dome of glass, and at the bottom of the hill loomed some large stone arches that framed the ocean in the background. a large wave of destruction was heading towards where i sat, a kind of nothingness similar to the devastation that was wreaked upon the kingdom of fantasia in the never-ending story. as i sat and watched the end of the universe slowly approaching, erin sat down next to me, and we talked about things that i wish i could remember now, but am not able to. it was at least a symbolic representative of when i was in school with her; erin and i would every now and then have conversations and i oddly managed to forget the contents of the majority of them.

    i’ve come to realize that most of my dreams that involve a big city happen to be taking place in the same city. it’s a fantasy land; there is nothing remotely close to it that exists in reality. but, it is so intricate and well designed that i wonder if in time i am meant to do something visually creative that is inspired based on this phantom metropolis. like how when you watch batman, you subconsciously accept that gotham city is really a complex being, and that it is just as much a character of the films as the dark knight and his boy wonder. in a similar fashion has the fictional city that i seem to visit on an almost nightly basis evolved to where i am starting to organize it and perhaps in time i’ll be able to map it all out.

    i doubt that i could ever do it justice, either by developing it as a massive video game world, or with a series of architectural studies in sketch form. painfully so do i lack the abilities to fully articulate what i get to freely explore in dreamland, and as such i feel a tinge of hopeless depression. the overwhelming deluge of beauty, form, and function which grace my nightly visions is so strikingly incredible that to be forced by the limitations of what is actually humanly possible and not be able to share in the gift is to me a major disappointment.

    my condolences on the long post. time for law & order suv.



  • 10.16.2004

    i was lined up for glory, but the tickets sold out in advance 

    well, shit.

    everytime i go to write a blog entry, i wind up being distracted by something, and before you know it:

    bam!

    another week has gone by without hardly a peep from me. i apologize about that. in fact, there is a sufficiently lengthy post in the works, but considering i have recently subjected all of you to rather drawn-out blog entries the past few times, you could conceivably interpret this limited hiatus as a relaxing break from the established norm.

    in other words, i just creatively bullshitted myself out of being responsible. booyah. go me. :-D

    besides, i have in the past few weeks begun preliminary work on a new film project that has stolen quite a bit of my attention. however, do expect to see something rather decent sized that you might classify as a blog post at this here location very soon.

    couple days, at the very least. ;-)



  • 10.11.2004

    when the dust has cleared, and victory denied 

    ya know, i had written a big ass post to put up here on my blog tonight for you to enjoy.

    however, after having spilled apricot juice accidently onto my keyboard, i attempted to clean out the spring under the space bar, and in doing so, completely hosed the entire post.

    no backup copy saved. no clipboard provisional saving grace.

    all three or so pages of text... gone.

    i feel so mad that i could break half the posessions in my room as i write. but i won't. because i am too frustrated to spend the time to destroy the things i do happen to have.

    now, if you'll excuse me.... i'm going to bed.



  • 10.06.2004

    did i have the dream, or did the dream have me? 

    far be it from me to actually make a post in the early evening. normally, i reserve my thoughts until a much later time, usually past midnight when my mind is in the correct state of being, but that would mean an even longer time would pass between current posts and thusly, i felt the need to write and bring you up to speed on current affairs.

    that, and well, other things.

    despite my current bleak economic standing, i just got back from running some minor errands, one of which was making a stop at jamba juice before returning home. over the last few weeks since getting back from new mexico, i have felt the need to indulge in california specialties; in n' out burger, johnny rockets, and jamba juice. it's part of how i integrate myself into being back home. likewise, anytime i go to boston, i have to make stops at both town spa pizza, and the crescent ridge dairy for some fresh homemade ice cream, otherwise i feel awkward and disoriented.

    however, all of these luxuries are a bit of a negative, considering i need to figure out a way to make close to three hundred dollars coalesce from the nothingness void in exactly seven days. the good kind folks at my cell phone provider were gracious enough to extend the deadline on my bill to next week, but in the end it may provide little to no help since i happen to be slightly lacking in the income department.

    which leads me to inquire, do i really *need* two kidneys? hell. most people can make do with just one, and i hear that those things fetch a couple g's on the open market. too bad i'm not a woman; i would so totally be down for the slight bit of surgery to sell off some eggs. with the cash that one can make using their body, i should start investigating creative avenues of acquiring instant wealth. i could even go so far as to locate the nearest sperm bank and give that a whirl.

    but we all know i won't. i am far too lazy a mofo to do any of that. i'll prolly just sell some more of my stuff on eBay and hope that the meager offerings of what i am actually willing to part with can help out in keeping my creditors from hunting me down like a rabid dog.

    after sifting through the last month's worth of e-mail archives, having been engaging in fond recollections of a particular correspondence, my body managed to convince me that i had to get some sleep and laid down to rest. it was nearly three or so in the morning as usual, a sleeping schedule trend that has been continually growing and causing for some major issues with how i function throughout the daylight hours. in truth, i ought to get more sleep, but my system usually cries out in favor for living a predominately nocturnal existence. there is just something about the night that appeals to me.

    at any rate, i couldn't actually fall asleep for quite some time after getting into bed. as i lay there, with the 80's playing softly in the background, i looked up on my wall and caught sight of the portrait of monica i took that i had hung up on the wall the other day. despite the main light in my room being off, the lava lamp sitting on my desk more than illuminated the picture, and as i contemplated all the lines and beauty in her face, a few tears began rolling down my cheeks.

    i turned to look away from the frame, yet the waterworks continued to build as i attempted to blink away the saline that was moistening my face. in all honestly, i haven't really cried for about two years or so. the closest i came to shedding tears in the last year was when i ralphed in the parking lot at the manhattan village mall a few hours before shelley's wedding.

    understandably that time was primarily because the upload of stomach acid was tearing my esophagus to shreds, but last night while i sat in bed, i was realizing how dreadfully much i miss monica. i hold certain value in chinese fortune cookies - quite often i pick my lottery numbers based on the digits printed on the backs of fortunes, and indeed the cookie that i picked up at random during the first lunch with monica two months ago ominously predicted that i was about to be led down the path of love.

    but there is one particular fortune taped to my monitor that i had placed there several months ago and ironically now has more meaning than it did when i first put it up. it states that "absence makes the heart grow fonder," and for all the tea in china i truly wish that this were not the case. if it was just a line of bullshit, i would be able to deal with this whole emotional mess in a much better fashion than i seem to be lately.

    had i realized just how awful i would be feeling at the end of our relationship, i *still* would have gone through it all. my decision to repeat such destructive behavior is after all very understandable, and perfectly natural to be quite honest. but it still hurts like hell. as stupid though i may be, even i know that there is pain when two people no longer see each other, but i couldn't have predicted that it would have been this strong. i never reached all out bawling action while i was contemplating my first real romantic encounter last night, but for a few moments i just relished in the release that a good cry can often bring. as before when i first got together with her, there was intense sensation in my gut, but this time it was more due to anguish rather than delight and anticipation. coming to grips with my feelings and making peace with how things have to be, i was able to finally shut my eyes and get some sleep.

    the dreams i had were intense and severely memorable, but nary a one seems to be readily accessible as i sit here trying to think of what happened. i don't know how to quite explain why they all left very powerful impressions on me, yet that also i am blanking and not being able to remember them. none of them involved monica, or any other women either, actually. they were just... incredibly specific, and for some reason, my brain is blocking the recollection of all of them. go figure. must be some kind of defense mechanism or something.

    or maybe my brain is just being lame.

    yeah, that is more than likely the case. my mind has a tendency to take logical manners of thought and piss them straight out the window of a moving car. this proves to be most frustrating, as it is likely an effect of the disorder i have. since i didn't have time to get tested and prescribed for medication before leaving to go work on the film, i still am held to the limitations (advantages?) that my mind currently is taken captive by. eventually when i do have money again (it always comes back to money), i can go get an appointment, determine if i actually do have aspergers, and if i do, than i can go get some drugs to help resolve the clutter that my mind attempts to dig through in chaotic fashion.

    the errands that i went out to take care of today were really the first time i have left the house and ventured out and about the area in a few days. most of my time is consumed with sitting here at my loving computer terminal, lazily sifting about the web and every so often checking to see who has updated their blogs. it seems to be a slow blogging week; not a lot of people have made posts.

    there is this... angsty apathy i seem to get whenever i am in my hometown. whenever i find myself in a strange, new, or different city, an adventurous part of me emerges and i feel the need to keep moving about. exploring, checking out new things, and the courageous dante that knows no fears comes out to play. it's why i was able to hook up with monica. i just felt this confidence that ordinarily is lacking whenever i am home.

    there is something peculiar about northern california, and i am finally identifying what it might be. time seems to stand still here, even though in general, days and weeks seem to be passing with more than a steadily exponential increasing pace. most people know that the rest of the country is usually about six months behind the curve from places like los angeles and new york; well, san francisco is about six months behind the rest of the country. ironic, considering that the technology capitol of the globe is virtually down the street. everytime i return to southern california to visit friends, i feel as if i have been trapped in a temporal bubble - time has passed for everybody except for myself. rather, i have been suspended in some sort of stasis, emerging back into the flow of events every so often when i leave the confines that this area seems to impose.

    at times, the overwhelming frustration at having been left behind makes me want to scream or lash out, blindly clawing my way through the ether as i attempt to regain my place in the order of things. sadly, it usually fails as i fall back into familiar old patterns that limit the possibilities of advancement in my life.

    it is really amazing to think that just a scant few months ago, i actually debated staying here in california and not going to work on the film. if indeed there are multiple parallel universes in which every outcome spawns a new reality, i must make it my mission to seek out any of the planes of existence were my doppelgangers dwell, and bitch slap any of them that failed to take the bold opportunity. sure, my bank account is screaming like a wounded soldier along the front lines of battle, but the experiences and adventures that comprised such a tantalizing gamble more than made up for any monetary deficits that i currently am suffering.

    in the past few days, i have been plagued with intestinal unrest. every four hours or so predictably, i find myself heading for the restroom, trying to relieve the pressures that have built up and failing to succeed in such futile attempts. i haven't really eaten anything out of the norm as far as my horribly mal-adjusted diet is concerned, yet there it is. or would be, if i could manage to get my body to actually do what it seems desperate to. i chalk it up to nerves and stress. likely is it that my whole system will be completely out of whack until i struggle to effect some changes towards how i conduct my affairs.

    or in other words, i need to find somebody to share in the bond that is love before i completely lose all sense of sanity and kick start massive-scale anarchy. having had a sample taste of that which potentially awaits me in life, i now salivate like a starving animal... dire for such feasts upon which can satisfy my finicky soul. yet, it would seem that as long as i continue to operate in such modes as have been previously established as to work with any measure of success, i am destined to always and ever more yearn for that which appears to be depressingly just shy of my grasp.

    hence one of my more questionable of plans for action as of late; i noticed a few days ago that the lobby of my church had a poster that offered slips to tear off and fill out in request of music scholarships from pacific lutheran university. all throughout last year, they were conspicuously absent, my rationale eventually figuring that music scholarships are only offered on a bi-yearly basis. regardless, i have filled one out for percussion and am sending off once again. little reason exists inside of me to believe that i have any more of a reasonable hope for being accepted during this second attempt, given what dismal results my previous endeavor a year ago had left me with.

    but still i do this anyways. why? i like to torture myself. one would think you could have figured this out already.

    truly, i must make strides to ensure i establish favorable odds for my attending a major institution of academia. my high school records are pretty much a printed and sealed book, and as such leave me with no choice but to live with the less than stellar decisions i had made for myself all so many years ago in my defiant adolescence. this means that i either need to take some courses at the local community college (i had been tinkering with the notion of a creative writing or photography class), and/or that i shall strive to score a better mark on the sat's by retaking them until i acheive satisfactory results.

    a challenge shall this prove to be, considering my undeniably weak skills when it comes to mathematics. to suggest that dealing with numbers is not one of my strong suits is putting it mildly. try as i might, i fail to grasp the concept of how to wrap my brain around numbers and equations with the ease that so many others demonstrate. hell, had i learned the basic rule of "please excuse my dear aunt sally" before my last dismal attempt at the most frightening of testing institutions, i may have actually had a fighting chance and done significantly better on the arithmetic portion of the exam. oh well. everything in life happens when it does, for a reason.
    after all, if it didn't, we wouldn't be here.

    er, yeah. i gotta go eat some dinner. talk amongst yerselves.



  • 10.04.2004

    why are we here? because we're here - roll the bones 

    warning: another characteristic ridiculously long blog post from me is now upon you.

    it has taken a bit of a while, but i have finally begun the arduous task of mentally processing a significant portion of all that has transpired in the last two months and to make sense of it all. i have been noticing with increasing frequency that life is usually a series of long stretches where nothing much ever happens, and then in a very short span of time, it all hits the fan and leaves you breathless, wondering just what the hell happened.

    sure, there are little, minor events that occasionally pop up and disrupt the flow of normalcy, but for the most part life has a fairly steady course by which it follows.

    actually, one time i paraphrased it as such and ever since: "life is full of random, confusing shit. then you die."

    a lot of people generally regard this to be a pessimistic remark, despite the fact that i use no such emotive modifiers to indicate any particular state of view. since the events of one's life *are* seemingly random for the most part, there is no guarantee as to what you will end up with, good or bad. forrest gump may have stated it a bit more optimistically, which leads me to believe that the use of "shit" as the active noun implies more negativity than i intend.

    however, i just use it because, well, cursing is cool.

    but when you think about it, all that life boils down to can really be summed up with the phrase i so freely give out and foolishly neglect to copy write. who ever could have predicted the 9/11 tragedy? or that florida would be hit with four successive hurricanes in a five week period? or that the lakers could actually lose the finals? by and large for the most part, they all sort of just happened.

    i tend not to think in terms of positive or negative, because no event really is inherently positive or negative. we may assign these types of conclusions to better digest available information and achieve a sense of closure. but in truth, everything that happens just simply happens. sometimes there is no logical or meaningful rhyme or reason.

    woo-hoo. i can now lead a course in philosophy.

    you'll have to bare with me on this next section. i've been able to parse through all the events that involve monica and myself, yet i want to do these memories the supreme justice they deserve, seeing as how i harbor deeply passionate feelings for her and want to present this as best i can.

    here we go. i'll totally fuck this up somehow.

    one of the first events regarding the film project that craig and i attended to after rushing to get the first location filmed and in the can was to go over one of the more crucial sections of dialogue in the movie, which happens to take place at a pool hall in downtown albuquerque. to ensure that the actual film date would go smoothly and we'd know exactly what we wanted to do, the whole crew gathered at the anodyne pool hall one night for a rehearsal of the scene and to figure out how best to deal with the situation.

    it was during this session that our head makeup girl, sandie, brought along a few friends who had been interested in checking out the project. among them were her assistant jennifer, who i had taken an eye to during our first film shoot at the computer pod, and another gal pal from the makeup counters at foleys, monica. for most of the night, i was fairly busy with craig, trying to figure out what camera angles he wanted and talking with the rest of the crew to decide the best ways to handle sound and lighting in an active pool hall.

    afterwards, as he began working with the actors on the dialogue and how he wanted the scene to flow, i packed up the camera and began shmoozing with the ladies. there is something about being in a different town; a city that is not my residence, that makes me a lot more open and willing to be bold and try things i wouldn't dare at home.

    for quite a bit of time, i chatted with jenn about her favorite films, and how she is a moviephile that understands the need to watch films in widescreen. we discussed different scenes, characters, favorite quotes; basically a broad range of movie related topics since in fact, that was what we had all in fact gathered to do. make movies, i mean.

    throughout this conversation, sandie and monica were reading over the script. when they were done, they had some comments about a few of the scenes, in much the same fashion as most people who read a script. there were several sequences that craig had worried about not being accurate enough in regards to the way women talk with each other, yet the opinions that monica, sandie, and jenn offered served as confirmation that the scenes in question would work out well, save for one detail that they felt was bordering on cheesy.

    somehow or other, this led to my having an extended conversation with monica about writing. i had noticed her every so often throughout the evening. she was quite striking, wearing a totally black ensemble - basically her work clothes since she just got off shift and had joined sandie over at our "set." i tend to have an eye for girls younger than myself, so to be honest, i had been paying more attention to jenn for most of the time. but the dialogue that monica and i shared was quite enjoyable, and i definitely noticed quite a bit of evidence from her as far as flirting goes.

    this was interrupted by jenn periodically, who had gone off to play a game of pool with some other friends who had also tagged along, yet she would occasionally walk past me in a way so that my hand naturally brushed her ass, and at several points towards the end of the night, she would stand behind me talking to somebody off to her side, and subtly push her breasts into the back of my arm.

    two women throwing me some signals. it was a good night. before we all headed off to our respected homes, monica mentioned to me that she had written several scripts already, and would like for craig and i to read them. i happily agreed, grateful for the deep interest in our project and the friendships that i was rapidly developing.

    over the next few days, i tried to arrange a date between myself and jenn. i even dropped a hint with her good friend sandie, by asking her directly if jenn was involved with anybody. a move like this serves two purposes: it lets me know the vital piece of information i need (jenn's availability), and also ensures that sandie would undoubtedly tell jenn that i was interested. i thought for sure i would have it made. wrong. getting hold of this girl proved more than seemingly impossible, and was even chronicled on my blog. i began getting frustrated; distraught that it was a worthless effort and i should just accept that i wasn't going to get laid yet again. no tail for me. bummer.

    more than several times during our shooting schedule, it was needed that we actually bring our actors to the makeup counter at the department store to convenience our makeup ladies who of course had to adhere to their steady jobs while volunteering with our indie efforts. several of these trips involved me taking members of our cast to get touch ups, and during one of those sandie handed me a bag with two very sizeable screenplays in them. both written by monica. i was quite interested in reading them; healthy diversions are a must during a project of the magnitude that was currently being undertaken by us. sometimes shifting perspectives to something wholly different can aid in gathering one's sensibilities and preventing themselves from frantically going insane.

    sadly, it was very rare to find times to sit down and parse through the texts. either we would be immensely busy with film/living related activities, or i would be far too exhausted to devote the proper attention. finally one night, craig and i had to acknowledge the mounting pile of laundry that had amassed in our house, and shuffled over to this one laundromat. the interesting thing about this particular coin-op was that attached to one end of the building was a small convenience store that also had a pizzeria.

    it's a pretty ingenious concept when ya think about it; why not have a pizza for lunch or dinner while you wait for your laundry to finish? craig eventually wants to start up a chain similar to this in college towns around the country - understandably one of the best markets for a concept such as this and a sure fire way to score some killer bank. if there is anybody who would frequent an establishment as such, it would definitely be college students.

    sitting down with some pepperoni, the iPod queued up to rush's presto, and my clothing spread out through several washers, i was able to finally focus my mind on getting through monica's scripts. i managed to make my way through one of the screenplays, and started with the second one by the time all thirty pounds of my laundry were finally dry. we headed home with fresh, clean clothes, and i fell into an exhaustive sleep.

    monica had mentioned that she wanted to get together with craig and i for lunch sometime to discuss the script we were currently shooting and offer some creative input. i was more than willing, since i had been interested in talking with her about the two films she had got me reading, so eventually we worked out arrangements and the three of us found ourselves at the chinese restaurant down the street from the house craig and i were currently occupying.

    throughout the meal, i don't think craig got more than five sentences in edgewise, despite the fact we were talking heavily about his script. i had been checking out monica, and remembering that she had (what seemed like) expressed some interest in myself the other week, maintained constant eye contact with her as we ate and talked. she seemed aptly aware of this, and returned with locked eyes at me over the course of lunch. i felt bad for craig; essentially he was being ignored even though his efforts were the reason we were having a conversation at all.

    we three made a point of identifying what animal on the chinese zodiac each of us was as we waited for our food to be served. i happen to be a sheep, and monica's sign is the ox. ironically, the menu that showed the calendar stated in very specific terms that ox and sheep are not compatible at *all.* the fortune cookie i got before we paid and headed back to the house said "passionate new romance appears in your life when you least expect it." i think i nearly choked on the cookie when i read that. consequently, i am thinking of having that fortune paper framed, being that i still have it.

    when we got back to the house, we continued the discussion for a bit longer in the "production office," aka my bedroom. craig was busy doing some news posting for ars, and as such monica and i again ended up sharing the majority of the conversation. a few nights earlier, specifically the night that craig and i hung out at drew's gas station for a while, i had picked up a package of strawberry flavored mentos. turns out that monica is a huge mentos fan. i scored many points having made that move. something that i hadn't even spent any time planning and worked right into my favor.

    oftentimes i wonder, why other completely random things like this in life rarely come together as perfectly. she eventually had to leave, and i began pestering craig with how i totally thought she wanted me and i was so gonna make a move. he seemed less than enthused about my revelations. i can't really blame him, the thought of me having sex is definitely a strange one to say the least.

    the next film shoot on our slate was at the local community center to shoot what will end up being a short cutaway in the movie. our hero clint takes his date riley to go swing dancing, and on tuesday nights the youth hall transforms into a dance space for all ages. i was a bit disappointed with the music selection, since there was more of a fifties be-bop/rock-a-billy tone more so than what you traditionally would think of as swing music (big band stuff from the twenties and thirties), but it was a fun time nonetheless. the dj announced us over the p.a. that we were making a film and we gave public kudos to craig, the whole ten yards. i had a blast moving through the crowd with the camera, capturing what hopefully is a good collection of scenery to chose from at the editing table.

    i kept looking over at monica every now and then, checking her out and watching what she was up to. during the night, i began developing a bit of an attraction to her, but nowhere near the scale of which it would eventually become over the next forty eight hours. as the evening wound down, people started making their way home and i invited monica to come hang out for a bit before she had to go home to sleep for work the next day. thankfully, she agreed.

    sitting on the couch, i informed her that i had skipped ahead to read the end of the other script of hers that i had yet to finish, and had noticed that the ending song for the movie was indicated specifically as a rush song. i don't know why, but for some reason i always skip to the end of whatever i am reading and course over it first. go figure. i gotta be all anticlimactic like that, i guess.

    having just become a major fan of rush, i was enthusiastic to find another person to talk with about the band, and not only that, a female! turns out that monica is a major rush-head; more than seventy five percent of the rush albums now on my iPod are courtesy of her. in fact, i even pulled out my iPod so that she and i could listen to presto, which she is not quite as familiar with. after that, she wanted to check out the play lists i had assembled, and i think she was fairly impressed with the 80's collection i have. those who have been lucky enough to see the entire selection know that i don't joke around when it comes to the 80's.

    half of the reason for getting an iPod was so that i could actually carry around all twenty eight (28) hours of music i have amassed from that era, so far. i decided to play a game with monica, and would play the first five seconds of various songs at random to see if she could guess the song and artist. we sat on the couch like that until about two in the morning. i'm not sure if it was right when she left, but at some point during the evening, she mentioned to me that she didn't have a lot to do lately since "porn just wasn't doing it for her anymore."

    dude.

    ka-ching!!! rightly so, i guessed that this was a *major* sign from her. booyah. i couldn't sleep most of that night after she left, so wrapped up in those few words my brain was.

    the very next night we had scheduled to film at the route 66 diner along central (aka *surprise!* route 66). even though i managed to stay focused and on track, i couldn't stop thinking about monica in the back of my mind. anytime she passed by, i would take a long look at her, and think wistfully about the woman that seemed almost assuredly eager to hook up with me. trying to maintain the balance of important matters in my mind was torture.

    after we had finished shooting, another of our makeup artists, bernadette, suggested we all head downtown to this club called "sauce" and go salsa dancing. i at this point was beyond exhausted, having not slept very well the previous night for obvious reasons, but monica convinced me to go along and so i hopped into her car to guide her to where we needed to go.

    in the next hour, i managed to shed all my inhibitions (a healthy prescription of rum and coke aided this considerably), and i took monica out on the dance floor. it goes without saying that i can't dance salsa worth two shits, but i definitely got my hands on her, and proceeded to grind her there on the dance floor. there was all kinds of body language going on, and everything was heading in a more than favorable direction. finally, there was a point where not one of our group had any stamina left, and it was decided to call it a night and all go our respective ways.

    except for monica, who i invited over to our house again. once again, to my extreme satisfaction, she agreed.

    back at the house, it ended up being monica, myself, craig, our casting director sean, and his girlfriend dusti, who also happens to appear in the film as amy, a nubile young roommate to our hero clint.

    monica took a seat in a chair next to the couch, and since the sofa was already occupied with various materials, i kneeled down next to her, placing my hand on her thigh in the process. she didn't seem to interested in moving it away. sweet. as we all sat and babbled about different points of agenda to work on for the next set of shoots, i took it upon myself to start moving my hand all about her thigh and see if she ever objected to where i was touching. not once. awesome.

    i ran my hands through her hair, with no complaints from her at all. getting bolder, i somehow managed to disregard all the other people in the room, and slipped my hand between her thighs. she looked over at me, and smiled. it was when she indicated we move over to the couch that i began to feel both nervousness and excitement combined into one. when sean suggested a smoke break, possibly inspired by his noticing my increasing motions towards monica, craig and dusti followed suit out the front door to the driveway.

    alone together. at last. originally, i wanted to move in and kiss her forehead. i didn't feel quite confident enough despite all that had occurred to go for kissing her on the lips just yet at that point, so i slowly moved over to her while keeping my eyes locked on hers. as i neared her, she motioned her face towards mine, and our lips met. from that point in time until the other people returned back indoors, we delighted in molesting each other's mouths. a billion thoughts were swirling in my head. i couldn't believe what was actually happening right there. the previous fatigue on my body from the last day and half was completely gone, and i had so much adrenaline running through my veins i felt as if i were to vomit all over the floor.

    obviously this would have been a seriously bad move, so i made every effort i could to calm my stomach as she and i tongued each other. sean ambled back into the room back from his cigarette, and despite seeing the two of us in our current entwined state, started up another conversation with craig at which point i became internally enraged. dude. he could see that monica and i were practically all over each other, why the fuck was he persisting on staying. she and i cooled it for a bit as i sat there, desperately hoping that everybody would just disappear and leave me be with monica. finally, i gave up on waiting for him to leave. blatantly ignoring him and everyone else, i began kissing monica and snuggling up with her, until sean finally got the hint and quietly made preparations to go home and sleep. as soon as he left, craig looked over at us, realized that there was pretty much no chance of interrupting what was going on, slipped into his bedroom and shut the door.

    finally! through a bit of maneuvering, and shoving everything that was on the couch onto the floor, monica and i laid down side by side. in between kissing and fondling, i managed to get her blouse open. it was at this point that we decided it would be best to move things over to my bedroom. gathering up the clothes we had already shed, we walked over to my bed and i shut the door.

    sorry. that's as much as you are gonna get regarding this. you think i'm gonna tell you any more? the wonderfully salacious details of what happened in my bedroom that night are just something you will have to imagine, however, i will go on record as stating that two people trying to sleep together in a twin bed is a bit of a challenge.

    at any rate. hopefully that enlightens those who were morbidly curious enough to seek further details as to how monica and i got together. more than likely, i probably fudged quite a bit of it, and i wouldn't be surprised to discover that the reality of what did actually happen is completely different. this is just what i remember, mind you.

    over the next couple weeks, due to roommate quarrels, she moved from the house she was staying at and into her own apartment, a joyous occasion that i shared by spending the night with her on her first day at the new residence. eventually this evolved into me staying there every couple nights a week, to fully moving in and taking up residence for the rest of my time in albuquerque after i got back from my trip to boston.

    in the end, the very first experience i had with sex, and of living with a girlfriend was beyond enjoyable; an adventure that i continue to replay in my mind constantly for fear of possibly forgetting even a second of all that was. i still understandably have very strong feelings for monica, something that i have highlighted in the last several posts. unfortunately, this is a bit of a problem, since neither of us are in the right place in our lives to continue the relationship. the day i left new mexico was also sadly the ending to our involvement with each other, yet we both have special places in our hearts for one another and no matter what, whether we may like it or not, we are now a part of each other's life.

    i suppose there is something to be said for that, eh?



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