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9.30.2004

to taste my bitter triumph, as a mad immortal man 

just an aside before i begin... is it just me, or are spam mailers getting uber desperate? i mean, for several months now they have been sending e-mails that include subject lines with poorly spelled words to get past modern filters and spam rules, but this has gradually extended to the message portion of spam letters as well and it's gotten to the point where you can't even read the actual e-mail advertisement body content that the spammers are trying to push through. most of the time, it's just incomprehensible, mis-spelled gibberish.

and it's not that they are using l337 speak.... because it's nowhere near that organized or gracefully fluent. it's all just a bunch of random alphabetical garbage. i dunno who educated the advertisers that are soliciting current spam peddlers, but as far as i am concerned, in order for a consumer to develop interest for a product, first they have to actually be able to read the fucking ad and reasonably understand just what the hell it is that is being offered.

go figure. i'm probably making far too much sense once again.

the past few nights i haven't been able to sleep properly. i keep slipping into mini comas at very odd times and waking up hours later bathed in unholy light from all the devices i absentmindedly leave on, only to stumble wearily into my actual bed, and then slumber for a few more hours until the family gets pissed off at me for sleeping in so late into the morning.

i think it might have something to do with the fact that i don't have a woman resting next to me.

it is entirely conceivable... even though monica is an independent sleeper and i willingly gave her enough personal space on the other side of the mattress, there was still this whole thing of being in bed with somebody you cared about.

which is why i need to find somebody else, and fast. companionship is a must! i finally figured out what was missing for me all that time and many years, and contrary to what other people said it *was* in fact having somebody to love and care for and receive that love back. i once had chided paul mccartney for re-marrying so quickly after linda had died. i felt it wrong and insulting that he would just so soon put the memory of a woman he loved so deeply and strongly aside and find somebody else to hide the salami with right as his former wife was practically being laid in the ground.

but then i realized over this past week, that there is something i have in common with paul mccartney, aside from us both being homosapien males and the whole breathing oxygen and consumming food thing. it was that we find our best center in life when we are accompanied by somebody caring who is along for the journey.

i always felt at ease around monica, and never worried about making an ass out of myself in front of her (even though i did so on exceedingly multiple ocassions). those unfortunate souls out there who have been sentenced to the punishment that is myself attempting to sing would definitely agree that i can't carry a tune farther than a chevy nova could carry its owner, and most times i am horribly embarrassed beyond reason to even try. yet around monica, i would pathetically wail my voice out in song to her, or near her, or within the general vicinity. although that could potentially be construed as a bad thing, in truth it really meant that i was so comfortable around her as to risk complete and utter social humiliations by taking the inspiration that her smile would so warmly provide and gracefully (or sometimes not so) run with it.

there seemed to be more organization to my mind and i had better luck at managing my time. not too mention, i just felt healthy and very happy. now that that is all gone, i feel lost and adrift... perhaps in time (soon, hopefully) i will again meet somebody and re-establish this newfound well being that another human provides and pornography so coldly rips away. for the moment, i suppose that i'll just have to settle back into the routine of getting yelled at for leaving dishes on the counter and collapsing from the depressingly omnipresent stress of needing to find a new job in order to stave off the dogs of oppression that are the agents of doom who so willfully declare that my bank account be surrendered over to them as compensation for halfway decent services rendered unto me by they.

in other news - thankfully, the quake in paso robles/parkfield didn't affect our area all that much. my buddies who still work in tech support did feel it, but that is mainly because the company campus sits out on muddy landfill down by the bay in the lowlands, where-as i live up in the hills on bedrock where the seismic waves didn't penetrate so deep. i figured that since they felt the last earthquake that hit the san simeon area a year ago, this recent quake too would they have felt. it figures, the buildings only shake when i'm not nearby to enjoy it.

however, the san andreas fault *is* showing increasing activity, so just as a precautionary measure, dad and i went to stock up on purified water wednesday night. ya never know, man...

this is california after all. land of tumblers and shakers, and i hardly mean the religious variety. forever will i always have a poignantly strong memory of northridge `94... in what manner could anybody in all likelihood forget anything about the sensation of what essentially can be akin to a freight train coliding with your house is like?

as i keep saying; four hurricanes hit florida in one month, there is a major earthquake in paso robles - (again), a bear steals a bunch of domestic chocolate, mount saint helens is about to blow, a meteor passes by our planet, and i got laid.

the world will end soon. i am shitting you not. now send me a check.

ok, this is now the second time this has happened. i finally sit down to post, and my mind pulls a jimmy hoffa. all of which that was, is, and shall ever more become of this post is forever doomed to suffer the fate of drifting about lifelessly in the ether that is time and space itself. from now on, an acceptable plan of action me thinks is to write what i am thinking when i am thinking it as i think it, despite whether or not i think i will be posting it right that minute. or so i think.

there. that ought to show `em.... yep... show them *real* good

in the meantime, you should go enthusiastically check out my gallery. i've posted a couple brand spanking new albums, and wanted to alert your attention to an album that had already been in existence for a while but hasn't gotten a whole lot of publicity just yet.

*p.r. whore mood activated*

last month i chronicled how i had ventured about the grounds of unm in search of tasty pictures.... and alas i eventually ended up with these visual nuggets of yore:

unm - august 26th, 2004

and these:

unm - august 31st, 2004

as well, i also blogged about going to the rio grande zoo, and seeing polar bears. i have here provided photographic evidence to prove that to you all especially i did not lie:

polar bears, monica, and her cat macy

booyah. don't say i never do nothing for ya's. there will be yet even more pictures posted online - i have a glorious shitload consisting of skads more still images from the trip to boston that will in due time and place see their way to being feasted upon by your sinfully greedy eyes (*you* know the ones i mean).

before then however, i gotta go pass the fuck out.



  • 9.27.2004

    like lovers and hereos, and the restless part of everyone 

    i'm sure that somewhere along your travels across this mortal's realm you may have become familiar with the phrase "bad habits die hard."

    or otherwise known as, i'm a dreadful louse that doesn't post very regularly. i assure you however, great strides are being made to get me to blog a lot more often. there once was a time where you had to have a giant shephards crook to rip me away from babbling incessantly all over the web.

    but so far i have been occupied with enjoying the rest and relaxation since getting back home.

    or, at least i *would* if i could have gotten to bed last night. it was very odd; i leaned my head back with my neck being creased most uncomfortably on the top of the chair, and i somehow fell asleep in this twistedly contorted position until three am. that was about when i slithered over to my bed without shutting off my monitor, or lights, *or* stereo, and promptly drifted in and out of very hazily light sleep until seven am when monica instant messaged me and i noticed the blinking window tag on my screen.

    after chatting with her for a few moments, i slumped back into bed until noon.

    blergh.

    the other night i had a vaguely strange dream. as with most of the dreams where i am driving a car, i wasn't actually in total direct control of the vehicle; a sort of freudian metaphor for my life in general. rather, i was sitting in the back seat, huddled up in a blanket to stay warm, and i could reach the steering wheel but not the accelerator and brake. instead, i had wired up a nifty remote control rig, where the play button equaled the gas, and the pause button would apply the brake system. as i was driving along in this unorthodox fashion under dark storm clouds, i watched as lightning off to my left creased the sky and one bolt happened to strike the middle of a cemetery on top of a hill. the brush alongside some of the tombstones ignited and caught flame.

    intrigued, i drove up the hill towards the spot where this growing fire had been given birth. as i did so, a group of four gals and a guy walked around my car on their way up one of the paths towards a giant stone gargoyle statue at the crest of the hill. when they passed by my hood, i was no longer sitting in a car, but on the ground yet still surrounded with the blanket.

    all of them were dressed in formal wear; bridesmaids dresses on the girls and the guy was wearing a tux. there was a brook running across the path, and only one of the girls failed to make it across all the way and she slipped into the water. stepping out completely drenched, she made her way over to me and asked if i would mind her using the blanket to dry off and for warmth. for some reason, i was nude underneath and i declared this to her, yet she flashed a cutely shy grin at me and said she didn't mind that at all.

    it was right about then that i was surreptitiously yanked from bed and drug off to begin my day in the real world.

    oh, by the way. i forgot to warn you - this might be a long post.

    there have been several revelations in the past few days that presented me with enlightenment.

    the first entails that i am somebody who needs companionship. *needs* it. i gotta find myself somebody to go out with and fast. i miss the whole kissing/hugging/sexing component that another human being (preferably one of the opposite gender) can offer. way back when i started dating monica (a month and half ago) i had also come to the conclusion that ideally my sights as far as women go should be aimed more towards ladies a few years older than myself, largely because they don't go in for all the stupid games and bullshit that younger women seem so hopelessly enamored with.

    the other stroke of brilliance that struck me was at how utterly worthless television truly is. aside from late night film viewings with craig and occasionally a video game or two, i didn't point my gaze towards a television screen for two months. and i think that intellectuality wise, i was far better off.

    it's such a mind numbingly destructive instrument in our society. there are a few things that tv can be good for; the occasional fit of laughter at a family guy or futurama episode, and the wonderfulness that is donna pinciotti and jackie burkehart on that 70's show, but other than these, the vast majority of that which filters across the airwaves is unforgivingly disgusting garbage.

    it could also just be that i feel there is very little value in any of the current line up of shows this season. but there is something that bugs me about tv right now. far too often i have become a slave to pre-programmed entertainment; i find that using my time to instead sit in front of the computer is a far more delightful allocation of resources. i can actually be productive [or destructive ;-)] on my computer, whereas a tv set is unflinching in its role of dominance by dictating to you just what it is that you will enjoy. i suppose though that one, if so inclined, could just go and change the channel.

    but really now. where is the fun in *that?*

    it had seemed to me that there was a tad bit more for me to blog about, but my mind is failing me. i know that i need to take a shower and then afterwards relieve some of the intestinal pressure that two recent exposures to chilli cheese fries from johnny rockets has graciously provided, but there was something else that i had planned on doing, however in a manner very much similar to your standard obviously criminal president, i can't quite seem to recall at this time.

    oh well. it may come back to me, it may not. the big thing for now is that i actually did finally make another post, and that i plan on doing so again relatively soon. just bear with me for a while, folks. with stella's help i'll get my groove back, and everything will be super duper swell.

    that is, if the monkeys don't get us first....



  • 9.23.2004

    a highway out of yesterday that tomorrow will bring 

    well, i'm back home.

    what a lame opening line, huh? you'll must forgive me; my brains are currently mush. i've given up on trying to make sense of the last forty eight hours and instead have resigned to just going with the flow.

    especially since i got practically no sleep last night.

    the last film shoot was extremely fun. basically it embodied how the entire process *should* have been like, yet every so often was most definitely not. of course on that night, we weren't dealing with a cranky lead non-actor or any prima donas. just a truly talented and gifted dude named aaron work. he appears in our film as "andy," and is possibly one of the best people appearing in this flick. working with him was beyond enjoyable.

    i can use his full name here because, well, we own him now.

    not really. but his name appears in the film so it's all kosher. otherwise, i normally would be quite hesitant to use full names.

    like, i will refrain from mentioning the name of a certain person in our cast who was an absolute chore to try and deal with. but suffice it to say, there are some people in the acting or otherwise world you are better off just not even associating with. yet more fodder for cannon testing or microwave experiments.

    had all of the film shoots been as immensly satisfying as the final one on wednesday night, i doubt that the collective ambition towards this project would have waned as far off the beaten path as it had. by the last week of production, both craig and i wanted nothing more than to finish this thing and be done with it. scheduling snafus, location crisis, and crew availability began wearing heavily on us, as what should have been a month long endeavour at the most stretched on into eight weeks. however, it has been mutually agreed upon by nearly all who participated that given the chance to do this all over again, a giant affirmative would resound.

    much later after the shoot, as i sat on the floor of monica's apartment trying desperately to assemble all of my belongings into a very limited area square footage wise, it became dreadfully apparent that no way in hell was i going to return to california without having to accquisition myself at least one other piece of luggage. i had just simply amassed way too much stuff. at one am, i hit the road in search of sufficient baggage to ferry my materials back home. thank the lord for twenty four hour walmarts.

    that shopping experience was an example of how things in the universe just fall into their proper place. i had originally withdrawn twenty bucks from my savings to purchase a special book for monica; it was a text that had powerfully impacted her on an emotional level the other week as she flipped through it in a book store/cafe during her trip to denver, and i figured that for my last gesture of love and caring i would present her with this gift just before i were to head down the terminal at the airport. ideally it would be one of those moments where she breaks down in a sobbing mess at how much she will miss me and how she deeply loves me, and i'd come off looking like a total romantical studly mother fucker, but unfortunately none of the book stores i had time to peruse had any copies still in stock.

    however, it ended up working favorably to some extent. the twenty dollar bill was meager evidence to just how little funding i have left in my bank account, and ended up providing me with the suitcase that i was able to forcably cram almost all of the last of my affects into. additionally, as i was packing before heading out in search of additional storage, one of my articles of clothing dropped a quarter onto the floor which i absentmindedly picked up and put into my pocket. had i not been in posession of that precious coin upon reaching the check-out counter, i would have lacked enough currency to have completed the transaction. i also managed to assist a group of kids who began driving off through the parking lot without realizing that half of their purchases were still sitting on the roof of their vehicle.

    but there are some fucked up wierdos who frequent walmart in the wee hours, man. myself being one of them, i suppose, but this one particular shining example of humanity was attempting to purchase cigarettes using his mother's photo id. it didn't really aid anybody in particular that this individual was more than slightly drunk off his ass; when the checker asked to see his license he stood uncomfortably silently for nearly a moment, teetering back and forth in a mental fog with no form of reaction crossing his heavily innebriated face.

    somehow i managed to make it back to monica's pad safely and in one piece, and began frustratingly engaging in a nearly monumental battle of wits between myself, a huge pile of clothing, and three rather stuffed vessels of checked baggage. it took me several hours to get everything strategically packed, and even just now i am realizing there are a few items that currently are now a thousand and more miles away from me... namely my bronco's blanket that at this very moment is likely still sitting on the rear bench seat of monica's car. it is a bit of a moot point as far as taking it along with me, as it happened to be all four of my bags were nearly violently exploding with content, and i feared greatly that if the baggage handlers at abq international were to force open my luggage that there was no way in hell they would ever get everything to return back in and remain.

    to illustrate how out of it i truly am tonight, i began this post nearly four hours ago, and every now and again keep returning to it in the slightly idealistic hope that at some point, it will be complete and presented for your disseminating pleasures. usefullness is a concept that is hastily fading from me and it would appear that this compromises all of the textual goodness you will be able to usurp from me for the moment. i must go off in search throughout our house to secure for myself an apt comforter with which to provide warmy warmness to my body while i attempt to recover a possibly significant amount of restfulness. there is no clever ending line for this post to go out on. just come back later.

    after my brain has recovered its sense of normality.

    oh wait.

    that likely will *never* happen.

    well then. just..... come back later. there will be more.

    or not.



  • 9.22.2004

    life is a diamond you turn into dust 

    over the past few days, i have attempted to start this post, and then found myself stopping. i honestly have not been able to put into words all the billions of thoughts that have been tumultuously swirling about in my head.

    this delay of course has seemed to have taken a toll on my blog readership. most of the time there has been five days or more in between posts, and where as i had been averaging ten comments or so on each entry a few weeks ago, the commenting lately has dwindled down to about four per post. you can be reasonably assured that upon my arrival home, there will be a more than regular blog posting schedule put into effect.

    i'm starting to get a slight bit apprehensive about leaving. i like it here so much, and i defintely appreciate the company that i have found in monica. yet i understand that my place is in california, and that at some point, we all must return home.

    some just choose to do it later than others.

    tonight is the last film shoot for land of entrapment that has dialogue in it. all the rest of the other shots that don't require audio will be picked up by craig later on when he comes back in a few weeks to take care of some things. but as far as the both of us are concerned, today is our last full day here in this state.

    i am flying home thursday morning. tomorrow. craig is going to be driving. in a way, i would have liked to have joined in the road trip back to the golden state, especially since i have amassed a considerably larger amount of material posessions since i arrived seven or eight weeks ago, but the logistics ended up being just too complicated to have it work out right.

    so..... less than twenty four hours from now.

    and i'm trying my best not to become an emotional wreck.

    *sigh*

    last night, monica and i went to the macaroni grille for a going away dinner. she dressed up super lovely (pictures will be posted on my gallery when i return home), and we enjoyed some very stimulating conversations as well as incredible food. the whole evening, i tried to mentally convince myself that i was *not* in fact leaving. a very dangerous game to play, but nonetheless i have been a fool lately and become more than comfortably attached to people and places that i knew deep down from the get go that i positively should not have.

    but i did so anyways.

    in the interests of not bleeding my heart all over the internet too much, i decided to compose a breif overview of just what exactly has transpired over the course of the last two months:

    for the first time, i have lived away from parents in a roommate situation with my best friend

    spent my entire savings (and then some)

    rang up a cell phone bill of +three hundred dollars

    gone to sleep at night while living in the student ghetto with the sounds of gunshots going off in the background

    watched a shit ton of new films i had never seen before

    lived in households with both dogs and cats

    lost my virginity

    taken hundreds of still photographs

    revisted locations from memories of times long since passed

    strengthed a deep respect for those who work in the motion picture industry

    taken care of and medicated an injured/sick cat

    returned to boston to visit for the first time in six years

    discovered some self truths during visits to the university of new mexico

    freaked out and nearly lost all sense of sanity at least once

    accquired a fairly respectable collection of rush albums on my iPod

    dealt with a sentient, evil toilet

    met and made friends with a large number of people

    moved in and lived with the first girl i have been sexually involved with

    been involved in a fender bender (myself having not been at fault)

    sat on the common lawn at the city zoo with a beautiful woman, looking up at the sky and thinking to myself that i was very content and happy with life

    learned a lot about myself and what i am capable of

    and somewhere through all of that, helped to create an independent feature film.

    understandably, i need about a week's worth of downtime to unwind and relax once i get home.

    until then, i have some things to take care of. the next time you hear from me, i will be sitting at my own desk at home... idly looking out the window and reflecting on all the things life exposed me to recently, and dreaming about what life has further in store for me on down the line....

    care to join me?



  • 9.17.2004

    with every door that we opened, every bridge that we burned 

    oh.

    fuck.

    so, i just checked my cell phone bill, my insurance bill, and then finally, my bank account.

    and i realize once again that the costs of an independent film and living away from home for two months can at times be quite steep.

    to the point where you owe more money than you currently have or are even worth, all of it is past due... and you start to wonder if big faceless men are going to come hunting after you to collect your thumbs and shatter your kneecaps.

    if you'll excuse me, i feel the pressing urge to go empty my stomach onto the floor. there is a lot of stuff from this week that is worthy of posting, but right now there are far more important issues at hand, such as whether or not i will need to fake my own death, create a new alias, and spend the rest of my days living incognito somewhere in cuba.

    pray for me please, because otherwise without it i am royally fucked.



  • 9.12.2004

    nevermore shall i return, escape these caves of ice 

    so here we are, almost a week since i left boston, and i am currently sitting at the albuquerque zoo, watching sea lions lazily drift about in a brilliant blue expanse of water. and my nose is running. and my esophagus feels like somebody lit a match and forced me to swallow it.

    but other than that, things are decidedly peachy.

    tuesday i spent the majority of the day in motion, as my previous post had clued you in, and my back didn’t feel any better. thankfully the distance between my flights in chicago was slight, but even still lugging the combined weight of my bag and laptop across the terminal was quite brutal. i’m amazed that i got to the gate. in fact, the previous evening i had sat up wondering if i wasn’t suffering from appendicitis; at any moment in time i reasonably predicted that my interiors would rupture and a nice, slow painful death would ensue.

    my mind is all kinds of warped like that.

    the flights themselves were all right. none of them were longer than two hours apiece, so i didn’t really have too much time to dwell on the pain impulses that were racing up and down my spinal column. at denver however, i had to trudge almost the same distance from gate to gate that i had been forced to several days prior, and had it not been for the moving walkways in the terminal i never would have made it. craig picked me up from abq international later on in the afternoon and dropped me off at monica’s, where i spent the rest of the evening sprawled out on her bed.

    during the last of the scene shoots the next day involving the house that craig had rented for the film, i felt like somebody was pressing down a literal ton of weights on top of me, and that i was slowly being crushed into a little pile of wrinkled flesh. somehow, i managed to get through it, though i have never slept quite as soundly as i did that night.

    yet the point of this blog is not for me to bitch and whine to you about how much pain my body likes to exert upon itself for unexplained reasons.

    no, my blog has even less a meaning than that.

    besides, on thursday morning when i woke up the pain was gone. a therapeutic trip to the spa at monica’s apartment and some wonderfully kinky sex didn’t hurt, either.

    on friday monica and i were treated to stellar people watching at the state fair. we went in the early evening after monica had gotten off work, and checked out all the fine art and model railroad displays, as well as the vendor exhibition hall. there were thousands of well meaning ultimate solutions for comfortable modern living; thankfully for our collective bank accounts we failed to indulge in any of them.

    there was some good fairground pizza to be consumed, though.

    however, a romantic journey on the giant ferris wheel was derailed when we realized that for two people to ride cost around ten dollars. what a fucking rip-off – dare i reveal how old i am by stating that even * i * remember when riding a ferris wheel cost less than a dollar?

    monica had to work on saturday, and since her shift was only four hours, i decided to hang out at and pull the whole mallrats shtick. two hours after we arrived i managed to pull myself away from the music book section at barnes & noble and amused myself by wandering the concourse and engaging in people watching once more. a few conclusions – there are quite a lot of hot girls that hang out at the coronado mall, and there are far too many underage moms than i can stomach. it’s not a pleasant site to see so many girls around the age of thirteen toting around strollers with rugrats. there are also tons of banners hanging for katie holme’s most recent film, first daughter. i would have to say that there is something infinitely sexy about a giant banner with a slightly larger than life katie holmes on it.

    at one point some shlep came running past me, quickly followed on his heels by several irate security guards, as they made their way tearing through a department store in what looked like a rather futile dash and grab attempt on the would-be thief’s part. i couldn’t quite see the haps from where i was standing, but it appeared that his sorry ass got taken down just past the make up counters. sadly, monica was busy with cliental and missed all the excitement.

    as i sit here next to the sea lion tank at the wild animal park, a few moments ago a family quickly learned that parking a stroller on an inclined surface generally results in the stroller moving away from them at an exponentially increasing rate of speed. other items of note have been a blonde milf in a blue shirt and white shorts that both monica and i drooled over, in between our furious stretches of writing.

    i am convinced that monica’s cat hates me. apart from attacking my feet while we sleep and jumping on my groin at four in the morning, she pulled a rather nasty joke on me by convincing me that she had run away. whenever the mood strikes her to venture outside, she indicates so by stretching out at the door and trying to reach the handle. obviously she hasn’t yet mastered the skill of unlocking the door (only a matter of time as far as i am concerned) but we usually take pity on her request and open it a crack to let her slip out onto the porch.

    on friday as i was chatting idly with friends online, i mindlessly opened the door for the feline and promptly forgot about it until an hour had passed and i began to notice the rather blatant absence of cat and panic took rapid hold. after thoroughly searching the pad and coming to the conclusion that there was no animal to be found in the premises, i madly threw on my clothes and proceeded to spend the next half hour frantically wandering about the complex, dreadfully fearing the entire time that my life as i knew it was bound to come to a rather tragic and senseless end when my lady returned home from work to find that i had lost her pet.

    realizing that monica was most likely practically home, i gave up and made the depressingly fearful trudge back to her place, all the while planning out in my mind how exactly i was going to beg for mercy. as i opened the door, lo and behold the cat lept from the desk and landed right in front of my feet, a devilish grin crossing her face from ear to ear from knowing how much anguish and self imposed torture of myself she had instigated. needless to say, i refused to open the door for her until monica came back from work, when she assured me that even had her sweetie been lost, she wouldn’t have held it against me due to the fact that this same animal has a history of disappearing for days at a time.

    once again, i became overly worried about something i needn’t. i should really make an effort to stop doing that so readily.

    it gets truly bad, at times too. anytime a family member is unquestionably late at returning home, my mind kicks into overdrive and the worst is always the foremost assumption. they’re dead in a ditch, or their car is in flames, or they are in a hospital dying from something and i will never know about it until it’s too late. or when i hear a noise late at night and yours truly automatically begin worrying that some gun-toting thief has come to rob of us our valuables and lives.

    with such anxiety, one finds it rather difficult to truly relax. a few years ago, after spreading out on a massage table and releasing all my tension, i was rather displeased to hear the masseuse inform me that i was so far from actually being relaxed that they feared injuring me during the session. perhaps in time, or with suitable and ample medication, i will finally be able to achieve the ultimate zen that is total relaxation. until then, i simply must accept that i won’t be able to buoyantly float in large bodies of water. learning to swim as a child with this stipulation was understandably more than frustrating.

    i suppose that for now this particular post has meandered enough from one wholly unrelated topic to another, as most of my ramblings are often wont to do. as always, keep checking back for more strange and undecipherable reading fodder. i will be returning to a more frequent posting regiment in the very near future, which is to say, anywhere between now and the point in time when i am no longer considered biologically alive.



  • 9.07.2004

    a thousand years have come and gone but time has passed me by 

    i need to go back to boston.

    as i type this, i am still technically *in* boston. only, i need to come back.

    before i have left. are you still with me so far?

    good. now that i know how relatively in-expensive travel to the east coast is, i must make it my mission to save up for my next visit to new england. i'm not sure if it will be during the winter, or possibly the spring. there is just so much i had planned on doing, yet not even a fraction of it was actually accomplished.

    well, i wouldn't say that per se. i mean, i have gotten to eat at pretty much all the restaurants i had wanted to visit. i did get to walk around the city for two days and take tons of pictures. however, as i have discovered recently while touring the grounds of unm, i am much more free to explore and photograph to my heart's content when there are no other parties involved.

    adhering to other people's schedules is something that i can do and at times may even enjoy, but when i leave myself to my own devices and just wander aimlessly, i find that inspiration and discovery strike me much more eagerly. perhaps i may end up concluding in life that to be truly free and whole, i must be alone.

    god. that's a scary thought. never mind, scratch that idea. i need people.

    just not when i am doing my own thing.

    the duck tour was fabulous. our driver/guide was truly hysterical; all of his jokes were insanely corny yet he cracked himself up each time. pure enjoyment. i strongly suggest you take part if ever you find yourself in the cradle of liberty, yet you might be of fair mind to book your trip early on into the five day advance sales, seeing as how *every* single tour for *every* single day is sold out faster than dave matthews tickets.

    while waiting for the last attleboro train to canton junction from south station on saturday night, we were privy to a rather gruff engagement between a bussiness man and a total chowder head. the biz guy had been harping on his harmonica, and the rather grumpy mound of testosterone sitting at one of the tables with his buddies didn't take so kindly to the free entertainment. station security had to come over and break the two up before any real violent action went down, but needless to say it proved to be rather amusing and a welcome distraction from waiting two hours for the commuter rail.

    mom and dad took us out to the countryside on sunday for a leisurely drive, past the first house they lived in over in acton after their wedding, and then up to doug's farm in framingham. after checking out his cattle and the farmall tractor collection, we moseyed on up to concord where some friends of ours from san mateo had moved to last year.

    ever have something in life that you *wanted* but simply *could not* have? this daughter... she is just such a beautiful angel and i so want her. there is just something about her; perhaps i knew her in a past life? the tenacity, the cynicsm, and wit are all just so intense and compliment her, along with her natural physical beauty. only a few problems stand in the way.

    number three, she is the daughter of good friends of our family. that always throws a wrench into the machine. number two (i'm doing these in reverse order, perhaps you have heard of dramatic buildup?), she lives on the east coast. i think this reason alone stands more enough on its own. obviously, there is no likely chance in the near future that i plan on moving out this direction.

    oh sure, eventually if i get to make my fortune in the film industry or some other unforseen as of yet career path, i fully intend to take up residence in many locales throughout this great nation, one of them being in boston, but the last time i checked, my bank account was far less than satisfactory as a component towards achieving this ultimate goal.

    the number one reason, ladies and gentlemen, you guessed it - she is only sixteen years old. that's right - yet another underage girl that i just can't keep my perverted and dirty eyes off of. i feel so warped, yet i think recently back to the last surviving widow of the civil war who finally passed onto greener pastures. she was only thirteen when she married her only husband. at times it makes me curse the society that figured out how to greatly lengthen the average life expectancy of people and allowed our culture to decree that sexually fraternizing with minors really isn't all that kosher.

    *sigh*

    it's always something, isn't it folks? yeah... i thought so.

    at one point while her parents and my family were all talking, she headed off upstairs to her room. it made me stop and internally ponder for a spell; anytime a family brought over a girl to our home that i had an interest in, i would eventually break company and go off to my room. secretly, i would always wonder and hope for whomever the girl was to venture on towards my room to see what i was up to.... wink wink nudge nudge say no more say no more. in this particular situation, i couldn't help but question if the reverse were now true. chalk it up to yet one other question that curious adam has that fails to ever find a resolution.

    monday was the main reason for the season, or rather the ultimate purpose for this entire trip in the first place. my grandfather celebrates his 80th birthday this month, and the labor day weekend was the most ideal time for all the family and extended relatives to get together. we had a blast. except for when my back gave out and i spent the rest of the day doubled over in excrutiating pain.

    i must have slept on the sofa bed wrong, or perhaps laid on my stomach during the night (something i should have learned by now *not* to do) and my back arched too much in my sleep. i didn't really feel it until the early afternoon; by evening i could barely stand and i felt like somebody was taking a jackhammer to my back. or like i had fallen from a building to the ground and shattered my spine but for some reason was still alive. coughing was utter hell. in fact, to some degree as i write this, my lower back is continually screaming out that something is horribly wrong, yet i did take some resolution measures such as a hot shower, have my mom massage my back, and put a heat wrap on it.

    my hope is that it doesn't feel like this all throughout tuesday when i have to travel. airline seats are already dreadfuly uncomfortable, and to be feeling like this while trapped in a two foot by two foot bucket of pain will be most unpleasant. thankfully none of my flights are more than two hours a piece; i have a flight to chicago, a connecting to denver, and a final to abq. hopefully the day doesn't find me having to jolt from gate to gate to gate, lest my back continue to exist in such a pathetically sorry state and leave me reeling in sheer torture for endless hours while in transit.

    again... always something with me, huh? never a dull moment. i suppose life is more exciting that way. but does it always hafta involve pain?

    i suppose instead of composing a blog post, i really should be packing since i have to be awake and out the door before six thirty in the am. it's already past midnight, so i best be taking care of my affairs and shuttling off to dreamland for a quick romp before jetting two thousand miles west at an altitude of thirty thousand feet. you'll hear from me again sometime after i have returned to the land of enchantment....



  • 9.04.2004

    oh i will dine on honey dew, and drink the milk of paradise 

    at first i was totally bummed about the whole three hour layover situation in denver, until i found out when i got there that the gate my connecting flight was departing from happened to be right next to the gate that i arrived at.

    a fair treat for a weary traveller, i thought. i dicked around on my laptop; wrote the previous post and watched a few episodes of futurama until my battery dwindled to a less than fully charged state, at which point i scrambled to locate a suitable outlet that provided me with wonderful, golden alternating current.

    that was, until ten minutes before my flight was to board, they announced over the terminal intercom that my gate of departure was being changed to a jetway that was at the *other end of the fucking airport.*

    in a blind panic, i hastly threw all my components back into any bag that had space, and bolted madly down the concourse to get to the plane.

    somehwere over illinois, i began remembering why i loath flights that are longer than two hours - the seats are dreadfully uncomfortable and i can't sit still for such a long time. my body longs to be either in motion and up about, or reclined in a *comfortable* position if i intend to rest and sleep away a better part of the day.

    instead of having to wait at logan, my uncle was going to pick me up from the baggage claim and off to dinner we would go. as i deplaned and headed through the united terminal, a strange yet relavent thought crossed my mind - i was walking through the very same building that several terrorists and a fairly large number of people who all died in a matter of a few seconds had once walked through. i felt very odd and squeamish, like when you realize that you are standing over somebody's grave. the walls, chairs, check in counters, restaurants - these were all the very last remnants of the world that all of the doomed passangers had viewed before heading off towards a very twisted and horrible fate. the carpet that i walked upon contained echos of their footsteps. it was the only time i have ever been severly uncomfortable in an airport.

    the city in some ways is wholly different. gone is the massive elevated freeway system that snaked its way through the financial district; replaced by the more modern underground result of the big dig. you gotta respect a town that not only acknowledges corruption, but even pads its budgets to anticipate what they will realistically lose to selfishly greedy contracters.

    i have made my determination. there are few towns west of the mississippi river that truly know anything about pizza. the west coast should just stop trying and give up before they embarrass themselves further. especially if you ever visit pizzaria regina in the north end, by far the second best pizza in the world. the first best is still town spa.

    there will be quite a few photos posted to my gallery in the next few days. i can't take care of it at the moment, both due to a lack of time, and also because i am using somebody else's computer to access the web. worry not. but in the meantime, you *can* go and check out the photos i have already posted from my first day of image cataloging at unm.

    friday we spent the majority of the day hoofing it around boston. i've finally grown beyond my mortal terror of using public restrooms - evidenced by how care freely i launched a few submarines next to the oldest commisioned battleship in the world. other spots of interest included durgin park at faneuil hall (incredible fucking food), government center, the commons, public gardens, and prudential center. of course, i totally loved the whole subway experience riding around the city. there is just something magical to me about the underground transit system.

    standing outside of the john hancock building, i had to marvel at its impressive height. i can't begin to imagine how much taller the world trade towers were supposed to be when they still existed. of all the many sights i wanted to check out in this lifetime, the twin towers were one of them. sadly, that is one thing i have to scratch off my list and file under the "not possible" category.

    time to head back up to the city for a duck tour, and dinner at durgin park yet again. i'll be posting again when the opportunity is afforded.



  • 9.03.2004

    and the men who hold high places, must be the ones to start 

    i’m currently sitting at gate b15 at denver international. whether or not this will end up getting *posted* at denver remains to be seen. my shitty ass wireless card doesn’t seem to want to connect to the wi-fi hotspot, either that or you hafta pay and i’m just being denied a mac address.

    either way, i am on the floor over by the large bay windows, overlooking the tarmac and hundreds of delivery trucks, service vehicles, and all the other activity that one can reasonably expect to be happening at a major international airport.

    the first flight was alright; i have a three hour lay over here in mile high, so i’m just killing time by babbling and slurping from a quizno’s chicken noodle soup cup. when you have a flight that leaves at eight am, and you have to be at the airport at six am, breakfast is not something that crosses your mind until much later.

    although, monica *did* give me a bowl of cereal before we left the house. she’s too cool.

    there was a small child on the plane who kept saying “bye bye” as we sat at the gate, waiting to pull back and head out towards the runway. this was cute –until he continued saying “bye bye” more than twenty minutes into the flight, in between his extremely loud sobs from the air pressure in the cabin wreaking havoc on his ears. i always marvel at the self defeating nature of infants; because the air pressure is hurting their ears, they cry and wail loudly, only this adds yet more pain to their ears and thus they cry *louder*. sometimes, it’s amazing we ever grow beyond the stage where we shit our pants and carry on anytime something doesn’t go our way. oh wait…. i guess some people just *don’t* ever outgrow that stage in life, huh?

    so much to post – so little time. ironic, no? here i have three hours without any sort of formal schedule to adhere to, and i’m declaring formally that i believe it to be true that i am not afforded any time to write. i think it’s much more so that there is just so much to post, i have no clue as to where to begin. a lot has happened in the last few days. most of it has to do with the university of new mexico, too.

    as i have mentioned previously, i have discovered very much so that i enjoy visiting college campuses. this has always been the case though; i loved it whenever i got to stay with todd at pomona college and wander through the halls of mudd.

    any day that hasn’t been occupied with either filming, or hanging out with monica, i have spent scootering around the unm campus. sometimes i bring my camera (there are more pictures to post relatively soon – maybe even while i am sitting here waiting for my connecting flight, assuming i can achieve a stable connection), and sometimes i just mosey about at my own leisurely pace. always i have the ipod with me – are you kidding? separation from music is unacceptable. and amazingly enough, so long as you don’t roll over a crack in the ground more than a centimeter’s depth, razor scooters are actually fun little fucking toys.

    hmm… just a side note while i type – the three hour battery for my laptop says that i have 77% charge left, or another four hours and seven minutes remaining. uh-huh.

    the last few times i have gone to the campus, i have found convenient and more or less comfortable spots to lay down and rest as i watch all the life that passes by. during each of these times, i have had epiphanies and revelations, some of which have rocked myself to the absolute core and cast doubt as to what i can relatively guess my perceptions of this reality actually are.

    some of them have been completely absurd but nevertheless crucial to my own self discovery. others have been downright mindblowing, and so extravagantly intricate that i wonder if i may ever truly diagnose their ultimate meanings.

    a few that stand out clear enough to be able to attempt to describe, had such a mundane trigger that i feel infinitely ashamed at times. a very pretty girl walked past the fountain the other day, carrying with her a lunch bag as i sat on a bench across the way and observed. trivial, no? but when i saw her lunchbag, a flood of imagery washed over and literally overwhelmed me for a few moments or so.

    in the span of a few seconds, i saw an entire lifetime. i had to pinch myself to make sure i wasn’t dying, until i realized that it was not my life that i was witnessing unfold. it was hers. i saw pain, struggle, determination, fear, happiness, sorrow. i don’t know how, or even why. the lunch bag in particular. it reminded me of all the times that i have brown bagged a lunch. such a simple concept, but yet one that perplexed me just the same.

    some of the thing i saw were my own recollection – memories of times when i simply didn’t have time to finish my lunch, and ended up having to throw away the sack that contained care and devotion. since most of the times i brought lunches anywhere were during the formative educational years, the vast majority of them were made and packaged by my mother. i know that deep in her heart she cared for me (and still does), and that some of that care made it’s way into a simple brown paper sack, with a sandwich, juice box, and snack cakes. i always harbored such guilt anytime i had to throw away any unused portion; it made me feel to a degree as if i were rejecting my own mother’s love.

    i know, sounds stupid, eh? i dunno. that damned lunch bag that girl had… that did the trick. i wondered who had made the lunch… was it the girl herself? a friend that cares for her? perhaps even a lover? the bag held the answers to millions of questions that floated gently through my mind, until she turned the corner and was gone from my sight forever.

    yesterday as i lay on my back, staring up at the walkways that crossed above me, i worried about the future. about my finances. about my emotional wellbeing. i can not lie – i am nearly broke yet again. in the back of my mind, i knew that this moment would once again be upon me, yet i had forgotten how ill this knowledge can make a person feel. i have a fear i may vomit. i know that i am late on my medical insurance payment. it’s going to be astronomically huge. i doubt that i’ll even have gas money by the time i make it home to california later this month.

    damn. i fucking hate emotions. on the way to the terminal this morning, monica and i listened to our mutual favorite band, rush. as the song that had been playing earlier in the car came back up on my ipod later during my flight, i nearly teared up. oh dear. you know what this means?

    i foolishly make so many connections to things and people that when they are no longer available, i feel empty and hollow; punched in and left for dead. i’m only going to be gone from new mexico for five days… i shouldn’t be feeling this mournful about not being near monica, especially considering how she and i both realize that anything we have is limited by my time left in albuquerque. yet, i still feel this way. i mean, hell. there have been periods of a day or more where i didn’t see her or get to talk to her; i managed just fine. then i sit on a plane for half an hour, and feel like i am emotionally going to pieces.

    if this is indeed love, then i am totally fucked. not only do i leave in less than four weeks from the land of enchantment, but monica is not looking for love right now anyways. she is very clear in what she wants; peace and solitude so that she can get back to writing and gather her thoughts. i can totally respect and appreciate that. but i still wonder if she feels as i do. something in me makes me doubt this; i am usually quite good at misinterpreting things.

    besides, i have a mission. monica has demanded that i call erin sometime this month. she says that until i have closure regarding that whole mess (which you will no doubt be keyed into at some point in the near future), i will feel conflicted and have difficulties with relationships. not like we are having any difficulties right now, either as direct results of my feelings for erin, or any other reason. but i can to a degree see her point and even accept her thoughts as my own; for far too long i have spent *not knowing* that continuing along that path could ultimately lead to my own mental destruction.

    i told you i had a lot to post.

    but i feel this may be a good enough place as any to cease for now… i must attempt to find a more favorable wi-fi spot and see if the digital realm will look upon me with favor and give me web. if i don’t get to post this from the airport itself, it will go up on my blog when i get into massachusetts…… many, many hours from now…..

    (author's note - att wireless are cheap bastards that wouldn't let me connect to their wi-fi spot without offering up a fee of ten bucks - hence this post was saved on my laptop and posted much later when i got to my relatives where a stable internet connection greated me like sweet, sweet candy)


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