he and she are in the house, but there's only me at home 

difficult as it may be to swallow, today is the one year anniversary of my blog.

correct; my site is now one year old! just sixteen and a half more until it's barely legal! ;-)

after you read this post, you should go back to where it all started, and rejoice in the horrors that was the beginnings to what you now currently devour with your greedy lustful eyes. that's right. you know the eyes i'm talking about.

i was parusing the first few posts i made on this thing, and.... damn. i was significantly more... how shall we say... disillusioned and bitter with life when i started. it comes as no surprise however - at that point in time the cool boss i had at the hotel a/v job had been replaced by this tool that kept creeping me out and being a total dickhead. i had been rejected from the only college i had ever applied to, and the house that my family had just moved into was having some massive plumbing issues and rotten odors.

ironically, this same point in time finds me in a similiar situation, as far as bathrooms go. the toilet in the house craig and i are renting is *evil.* as in, it was forged from ceramics made by the hands of satan himself. it never works. well, occassionally it works, but only when the mood suits it. we've discovered that solid wastes are a big no. in fact, to some degree, liquid wastes are a big no as well, but it all depends on the day. i bought a lysol can to spray in there anytime i have to relieve myself, and on the souls of my shoes before i walk through the rest of the house, in the meak hopes to at least pretend to assuage my fears of dying from nearly a million different bacteriological hazards present within.

commenting wasn't added to my blog until december or november, so even though there are links for comments *now* on those archived pages, there were none before. i was going back through my archives however, and it seems to me that haloscan likes to delete comments from older months in people's archives. quite lame.

i think i might have mentioned somewhere here before that i sincerely do hate early mornings with a passion. i am not a morning person, unless i get more than a sufficient amount of sleep the night prior. if i go to bed before nine pm, i can wake up super early and not have a problem.

the trouble is, i never go to sleep before midnight. most of the time, anyways. i am too much of a night owl. it's in my blood; i feel the most active and in my groove when the majority of sane people are recovering from their day and preparing for the next. i like the night life - i like to boogie. except for last night, when i was just dead fucking exhausted. life force was absent from me. we had attended a going away party for our actress crystal, who ironically is moving to practically the next town over from where craig lives in california. by midnight, i had lost all sense of equilibrium, and i was amusing myself with guessing as to which direction i would fall over. monica took heart, and brought me home to bed.

saturday had started off way too fucking early by having to finish up some film shots at a pub off of central. the only convenient times for them to have us shoot where hours of non-operation, so from eight am until eleven am we had a filming window that we could use to our advantage. the shoot went quite well enough, and i had even gotten a fair amount of quality sleep friday night, but still.

i just usually really, really hate mornings.

my thoughts are currently a scrambled mess. back a few months ago, i had only made plans up until this point in time; i do not know what comes after. the nice thing is that several good friends have arranged some job prospects for me when i return home, but i think i need about a week of detox sleeping in and just recovering from everything that has transpired. even though we occassionally have days off from filming, sometimes they are just not quite enough.

plus i need to work on assembling a very polished portfolio to present to the art director of a video game company that i have a contact through, to see if i can get hired and actually be paid to fuck around with photoshop, instead of just using it as a hobbyist tool. i don't mean to brag, but photoshop *is* my bitch - i've been monkeying around with that program all the way back since 2.5 on the macintosh. i'll see if i can dig up some of my old old picture hacks... they were all considerably amusing.

boston is going to be so nice. not just the opportunity to see family, but to visit my favorite town. i love that city. it's got such deep, rich character, and it always seems to speak to me when i am there. for years now, i have planned to have a day where i just go into town by myself, and ride around the subways all day and take as many photographs of landmarks as i wish. i finally get the chance in a few days. i am very excited. not too mention, i get to relish in enjoying what i hold true to be the greatest fucking pizza in the whole damned world.

when i get back, i'll be staying with monica for a week or so while craig takes his turn to head out of town for a wedding in idaho. afterwards.. we're not sure. current plans involve me flying back by myself, or craig and i driving back together and doing the whole road trip thing. time will tell to see what ends up coming to pass. i am kinda hoping for the road trip option, myself. i think it would be great amounts of fun, and besides i tend to prefer driving over flying if the option is reasonably available. however, if we were to road trip, it would be at the end of september.. which we are still unsure if that would be more problematic than it is worth.

but on the upside... it would mean i get to see monica for that much longer....

however, my finances are rapidly dwindling; a fact that i have tried without success to ignore. it's a bitch to face the truth that in the very near future, i will need to desperately secure gainful employment to keep myself from slipping into painfully awful debt.

a few nights ago when craig and i swung by guitar center to purchase the replacement headphones to my pair that were trashed, i headed over to the drum section and sat down at an electronic kit. i had temporarily forgotten in the last few weeks how refreshing and innvigorating it is to play. my cares and stresses melted away and i felt guilty for not paying for the therapy. if there is anything that i *need* to get back to california for specifically, it is to resume playing on my drumkit again.

there's some stuff i must head off to do, so i will conclude for now and post again hopefully before i leave for massachussettes, and if i am not afforded the opportunity to do so, i will figure out a way to make a post from the bean town.

oh, and expect shitloads of pictures from that trip when i get back. ciao for now.

  • 8.25.2004

    i could disappear into the crowd, but not if I keep my head in the clouds 

    random thought of the day... as we drove around the city this afternoon on our way back from lunch, i thought quietly to myself about how there is this whole other world that you never see.... the network of pipes and wires and everything that exist underneith your town. just think... tons of shit all working under there, and all sorts of waste and power speeding off to various different directions.

    i think i was born to go to college.

    oh, but not actually attending college. just going to one. as in, visiting. hanging out and standing amongst the crowds. nobody bothers you, everybody has a different agenda, and it's ultimately so intriguing to see all the various different people. sometimes even a bit overwhelming. people just assume you are supposed to be there, instead of questioning your motives and intent.

    i love to people watch. back before the events of 9/11 closed off airports to everybody but those actually holding valid boarding passes, i would ocassionally go to sfo on my lunch break and observe all of the travellers that moved about through the terminals. it was quite fascinating.

    i'll get the chance to do that again next week; on thursday morning i'll spend virtually the entire day in transit to boston. my grandfather turns 80 next week, so as a surprise to him, the whole family is flying in to spend the week. at the bright eyed/bushy tailed hour of six am, i get to hang out at the albuquerque airport until my flight takes off at eight, and then i have a three hour layover in denver. from denver i fly straight to boston, however because of the time difference and the length of the flight, i get into boston at six *pm.* i then have an *additional* wait of two hours while the rest of my family arrives, at which point i will actually have transportation away from logan to my grandparent's.

    ugh. i love to travel, don't get me wrong. but there is only so much time i can spend crammed into a cheaply constructed sardine can that is hurled into the air and pumped full of recycled oxygen. which reminds me, i need to have the guy who *broke* my fucking headphones replace them before next week, so that if need be i can use them to at least vainly attempt to cut off the background noise of newborn children that express their displeasure at being held captive in a pressurized flying cigar.

    the student quad at the university of new mexico is quite the bustling locale. school resumed sessions this week, so of course every club and frat/sorority house has tents and booths established at nearly every critical junction of the campus.

    at the poster tent, i somehow ended up getting into a half hour point and hunt session with another student over the giant cast poster of the simpsons, trying to identify all the characters we could recognize. this guy had asked if i could name most of the people on the poster, which is a dangerous thing to ask a simpsons nut such as myself. craig wandered off after the first few moments - i think he was a bit embarrassed that we were getting so involved in the hunt and even i felt a bit odd after a while.

    it was cool and fun, but when somebody makes glaringly obvious errors when pointing towards a character you *know* they have gotten wrong, there is always the question of how much you should force the fact that you are actually correct and they are completely mistaken. that, and i became painfully aware of the fact that most of the people who overheard us were regarding us as complete and utter geeks of the worst degree.

    from there on i just wandered aimlessly about, watching all the people interact and especially checking out all the ladies. DAMN. there are some fucking *hotties* that attend that school. like, if i wasn't involved with monica, i would so totally have used my newfound courage and charm to work my way into several different pairs of pants that happened to be sexing up the scenery.

    but like monica says... she doesn't care where i get the appetite from, so long as i eat at home. ;-)

    i don't have an argument with that. :-)

    there is a cool fountain and park area just off the center of the campus, complete with ducks and waterfall. for a moment, it looked quite a bit like the commons up in boston (of which i will take many, many pictures and upload to my gallery, assuming it has started working again), and seemed to be quite the hang out spot for lots of students on lunch break.

    i just felt totally in my element. the prescence of large groups of people is something that i both fear and draw a lot of energy from. i crave social interaction and love being surrounded by masses of bodies that are all set about on their own paths towards an ultimate destiny. i'm starting to think that perhaps i should begin a tour of just visiting as many college campuses in this country that i can find. perhaps even collecting a book together of the photographs i snag.

    i'm always drawn towards the less featured aspects of different schools, and i totally dig observing all the machinery and behind the scenes stuff that keeps everything together and running smoothly. loading docks... steam tunnels, all the dark mysterious places that most people would rather not dwell their thoughts upon. finding all the secrets, imagining the rich history of the locations. these are some of the things that capture my attention and distract me from reality.

    since i'm neglecting my duties in assisting with setting up for tonight's film shoot, i shall conclude and post again at some future point in time.

  • 8.24.2004

    when the moment dies, the spark still flies 

    first things first...

    go ahead and punch me for not updating my blog and being a negligent tool.

    then let me explain that i have been super duper busy, especially after a major weekend from hell of practically non-stop shooting. at least i have been *somewhat* productive these last few days...

    time seems to speed up and disappear anytime i hang out with monica (the woman of my current affections, such as they are). it's as if our time together doesn't even exist. we both managed to have a day off from our respective jobs on monday, and i was super glad to spend it solely with her. hot tubs, breakfast in bed, and musical appreciation have been some of the many highlights...

    in fact, at this moment (or a few after this one), she and i will be heading out to get a late dinner, and then snuggle off into dreamland.

    i won't make any promises about more frequent blog posting during the next week or so, but i have quite a bit to write about that *eventually* will see the light of day on this site.

    in the meantime, some headshots of our principle cast have been posted on our website... go take a look....

    and thank you for your patience.

  • 8.20.2004

    it's not as if this barricade blocks the only road 

    albuquerque is one of those towns that people pass through, and end up staying the rest of your life in. a vortex; blackhole - one that sucks you in and you find yourself still trying to leave many decades later only to realize that you can not.

    people try to move away, thinking that they can advance on with their lives... they find out in time that they can not and must return - it's too safe for them here. safety can be more than just the feeling of being secure - it can also be when one knows that they can reasonably afford the life that they want, and be happy. sure, some can try to escape it. but eventually, it beckons and draws its people back home.

    at intersections, you hear cars stall and struggle to resurrect themselves all the time. much like the lives of those who control them, these vehicles have long since resigned themselves to the fate in which they are held. possibly even given up.

    the skies cloud over with thunderous blankets of darkness, and lightning pierces through the night as a harsh reminder of the power this world has. the awesome forces that swell and congregate above the arrid landscape. the currents that shift the sands across the state in an endless cycle.

    it's a land full of immense beauty and yet dangerous temptations. rent is super cheap here - you can live in a palace for next to nothing. you have endless options regarding spectacular foods. a diverse and rich culture made up of many different ethnic backgrounds, all blending together in a unique harmony. there is a rhythm to this land.

    but it is not california....

  • 8.17.2004

    proud swagger out of the schoolyard, waiting for the world's applause 

    sheesh. i'm horrible.

    sorry guys. i appreciate that people keep checking back to my site. and hey! naranca even started commenting again! yay! i missed her when she disappeared and didn't have her to talk with anymore.

    so, obviously by now you all have probably figured out that your's truly is no longer a stranger to the ways of a woman. you may have even noticed that my list of desires on the sidebar had changed slightly (if you remember what they said before).

    however, i'm trying not to become too attached to her. since myself and craig shall be taking our leave of this town and state next month, this definitely precludes the possibility of any long term relationship forming between myself and my lady.

    the juicy gossip... is not much. i like her a lot, and she likes me a lot. she has a cute giggle.

    *nudge nudge wink wink know what i mean know what i mean say no more say no more*

    the film shoots have been going well. getting a fully manual lens for the camera we're using has drastically improved our efforts. the automatic lens that came with the camera does have a "manual mode" setting, but apparently it decides to do it's own automatic shit even when manual mode is triggered.

    our cast so far has been shaping out to be quite an impressive ensemble. and they have been more than gracious in putting up with all of our trials as we work to figure out which shots would work best or chastise bar patrons for not shutting the fuck up when we call for quiet on the set.

    slowly but surely, all the pieces are coming together, and eventually we'll have a nice healthy amount of footage to cut to shit and re-assemble into a hopefully intelligible film.

    but for this, we must wait.

    and so must you.

    which means you gotta pray for me, because i'm a horribly impatient mother fucker.

    next update when i get a few spare moments. hugs to all of you!

  • 8.12.2004

    each time we turn a new corner, a tiny moment of truth 

    i keep promising to post more, and then i fail to do so.

    this time, i have good reason.

    her smile.... is so warm and beautiful.

    her eyes are two brown vacuums hungry for my soul.

    her body... smells so sweet and so wonderful.

    the kisses....

    i woke up this morning with a smile on my face.

    and a smile on hers.

  • 8.10.2004

    reflected in another pair of eyes 

    sometimes i feel like i'm a ghost.

    floating gently through this life, occassionally buffeted by strong winds demanding a change of course. the air circulates about me, and i feel as vague as a distant thought.

    but then the currents settle, and i return to my flight. ever changing, learning and growing, and developing into what shall eventually be.

    time's arrow moves forward, but carries with it from behind so many echoes and whispers from spirits and places long past. a dimension where events have only a beginning and an end. singularities coalesce and vanish.

    and in the end, the balance stands firm.

    my apologies for lack of postage. several things have been... occupying my time. i'll make a more concerted effort to post.


    starting tomorrow.

  • 8.07.2004

    trick of light, moving picture; moments caught in flight 

    you guys have been fairly patient and generally understanding of my funky posting schedule lately.

    so i offer you a treat.

    the first released production still for 505 film's 'land of entrapment.'

    think of it as a reward for frequenting my blog.

    that angle was conceived of and shot by me. actors directed by craig. guy in the foreground is our hero, clint. he is being bothered by an annoying computer pod student.

    hope you like.

  • 8.06.2004

    the restless wind has seen all things in every kind of light 

    late wednesday afternoon into the early evening, a set of storm clouds gathered over the sandia mountains.

    thunderstorms are one of my favorite weather patterns. i feed off the energy anytime a bolt of lightning streaks across the sky.

    she had called me, and said that she wanted to hang out that night. i was estactic, but attempted my best to hold in my excitement over the phone.

    the night before when i had met her during our pool hall scene rehearsals she and i seemed to hit it off pretty well. well enough that she liked walking past me so that my hand would graze her ass. and whenever she walked up behind me she would push her breast into my arm.

    so far as i know, those are pretty definitive signs.

    driving up lomas with craig, the sky grew dark and lightning charged and flashed across the sky.

    she had said earlier that she would call back later on in the evening to let me know when she could make it over.

    craig and i stopped at a friend's apartment building to evaluate its potential for being used as a location in the film. i couldn't think straight. i was watching my phone.

    on the way over to drew's gas station, the sky ripped open and a torrent of rain pelted down on this warm desert town. thunder cracked from barely a mile away - it was a half second count between the blinding explosions of light and the awe-striking booms that rattled the car as we sped down the road.

    it had all the makings of one hell of a storm.

    at the gas station, over conversation and soft drinks, i decided it would be wise to pick up some condoms. i've never bought rubbers before. so depressing. i've never really had a need to. but hopefully, i would have a reason very soon.

    i kept checking my phone to make sure the battery wasn't dead. it had a full charge.

    i wondered if there was ample signal. perfect reception. as the potential for my night started to dwindle and fade, so did the storm.

    instead of the thunder carrying on all night, the clouds dispersed and calm fell over the valley.

    and i went to sleep, having been flaked on yet again.


    thurs she called to apologize - she had some stuff to do the night before and didn't get a chance to swing by. or pick up a phone that night and call to let me know, apparently.

    she promised we would definitely hang out again on thurs night. i was wary but still rather joyous.

    in the meantime craig and drew wanted to go check out 'the long gone trio' at the atomic cantina. i figured that if i stayed at home, she would never call and i would just end up sitting at home not having any fun.

    if i went, she would likely show up to the house or call. i was torn, but decided to go out and listen to some good tunes.

    she failed to call. again. stood up twice. she didn't even call this morning (friday) to apologize again or offer an explanation.

    i'm not even sure why i get surprised at this anymore. it happens so often to me that you'd think i would just get used to it by now. but nope. i keep setting up expectations and then feeling miserable when even the simplest of hopes fail to materialize.

    my guess is she's just a big flirt. that's all. there wasn't any real interest in me. oh well.

    saturday morning craig and i have to get up super fucking early to shoot some scenes for the film. our two lead actresses are gonna be doing a scene jogging in a park. at least getting to look at some hotties wearing sports bras and low cut shorts will make up for the early morning.

    tonight we are heading to a showing of 'stink of flesh,' a locally filmed and produced indie film in which the lead actor for *our* film makes an appearance as a zombie. afterwards, there is a party with a bunch of new mexico indie film people, and craig and i plan to turn the shmooze up to eleven.

    wish us luck. i'll be dead tired saturday afternoon.

    sorry for the delay in updating. been fairly busy with planning and scheduling film stuff.

    i'll make an effort to post more often. time to go for now.

  • 8.03.2004

    sparks ignite and spread new information  

    so much going on, that i haven't even had time to post.

    figured i'd catch up for you all a bit.

    some things of note that have happened in the last few days:

    a super sweet bbq at craig's family's house

    a ride in craig's `64 mercury comet

    major house cleaning to get our "set" organized and looking presentable

    many hours of planning, brainstorming, and conversation

    the decision to reshoot some of the stuff we shot last thursday night but in a new location

    more hours of planning, brainstorming, and conversation

    getting excited that the film's website should hopefully be up and online by friday

    several trips to costco, the supermarket, and wendy's

    scouting out possible locations for various sequences

    a rehearsal and planning session at the pool hall last night that we plan on using in the film


    possibly making some decent headway into hopefully getting your's truly thoroughly laid.

  • 8.01.2004

    i hear in the rate of her heart; a tear in the heat of the art 

    moments of doubt sometimes creep along through our heads and make us consider dangerous things.

    at times it feels like perhaps we might as well quit while we're ahead. so far, trying to get a decent working schedule where everybody is available is proving to be a difficult task. we have a ton of work to do with our actors to make sure that they deliver satisfactory performances. not all of our locations are subject to constant availability, or they posess little flexibility as far as usage goes.

    there's always the possibility of selling off whatever assets we have invested in this project, taking the money and squandering it all on a very cheap and sinful week in mexico.

    that ain't gonna happen, though.

    somehow, we'll work out all the kinks and details and figure out a brilliant master plan to which all our operations will seemingly flow in accordance to.

    but damn if there aren't a ton of horribly inconvenient roadblocks along the way.

    i know that doing this film is the right thing to do, and i feel strongly that it may be the key that unlocks a wonderful future for all who are involved in some way.

    i just wonder if my hope is justified or not.

    time will tell.

    so will sleep. i need to get better at picking decent times to rest.

    whoever thought that your body could react so negatively to such little shut eye?

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