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6.29.2004

in the canyons of the city, you can hear the buildings cry 

what the *fuck?*

i apologize sincerely if my blog has been tarding out on some of you and refusing to load. just keep hitting refresh or re-trying the link, and once the page comes up, smack it around a few times so it knows who's boss.

i figure if enough people beat some sense into my site, it'll stop hiding or displaying blogger error messages, and act like it's supposed to.

ugh. so far this week hasn't been shaping up any better than the previous few weeks.

yesterday was the worst day i've seen in tech support that wasn't during the Christmas holiday. by 5pm we had handled (*handled*) 1030 calls. a shitload more never got through to reps or hung up in frustration from waiting too long. even on our busiest days we usually never pass 600 calls.

today was a bit lighter callwise, but still fairly high. not too mention a good seventy or so serial number requests needed to be dealt with post haste. perhaps it's a sign that they trust me with more responsibility at work - i am now in charge of doing serial numbers for *all* of our video game titles, and not just one particular queue's worth. i ended up having to go into release (not taking phone calls) just to keep up with all the faxes coming in.

well, the camera for craig and mine's film project has been ordered. unfortunately, the cheapest price was available from amazon, which is giving me ulcers galore. originally the plan was to get the camera from leo's in oakland but craig understandably wanted to get the whole ordeal over with and simply went for the lower online price instead. not that i don't blame him; the savings were substantially significant but likely could have been easily matched had we attempted even a little bartering.

i hate ordering things online, because really there is no gaurantee that your purchase will arrive in working order at all. my video card and crucial memory aside, pretty much any electronic device i've ordered online has needed to be shipped back at *least* once, sometimes twice. simply because the delivery people didn't exercise enough caution with transporting items i spent a lot of hard earned money on.

i think i've also only received one die-cast model car that didn't arrive broken in some way. you figure that delivery people are getting paid minimum wage at best in a lot of ares - why should they care about something they didn't break the bank over?

not too mention, had we got the camera from leo's we would have had garuanteed servicing at any time. our only option having bought the camera online is to send it all the way back to canon, and prolly spend even more money to have it directly factory serviced.

the details of the camera purchasing are all insignificant to the larger concerns that i have. to say that i'm even slightly worried about how we're gonna pull this off would be an understatment.

this film *has* to work. we must succeed. if this fails, i seriously don't think i would be willing to attempt anything else in life. ever. i've been let down so many times on other hopeful prospects that have floated within my grasp that i'm just about ready to give up even trying. why bother if everything just leads to failure?

a few obstacles to overcome in the next three weeks: find a cast, get all the equipment we need, get everything working the way we need it to, figure out how to get me and my gear to new mexico without spending a bloody fucking fortune, figure out either a way for me to get on personal leave from work, or have some financial support system planned in the event i hafta quit my job to go work on this.

i can't take my car because frankly it can't transport anything. long ago i had to reconcile the fact that miata's just simply are not built to haul around anything other than a driver, and a slightly uncomfortable passenger. the options that leaves are renting a car, which would be super expensive because sadly i'm just three months shy of being old enough not to suffer age-related rental car penalties, or flying which will cost an equally ridiculous amount of money to get all the things i need there.

however, that issue gives way to the biggest problem: if i can't get time off from work to do this, my two options are: quit my job or not work on the film. if i didn't go do this project, i would forever hate myself for letting such a golden possibility like this slip away.

on the other hand, quitting my job is about the dumbest fucking thing i could do right now. i have quite a few expenses, i can't keep going from one hourly wage to another all my life, and i have demonstrated little to no responsibility as an adult already. especially since i'm finally starting to get caught up on paying off all my debts, to thrust myself back into a situation where i'm broke is dreadfully immature.

argh! of course my future once again would naturally come down to one crucial decision on my part. hence why i worry; everytime i have chosen a particular option over the other so far in life, it always seems to be the wrong path.

do i continue working and not risk having my thumbs snapped off by creditors, or take a chance and work on a film that has a potential to open bigger doors for me in life?

*sigh*

the thing is, i already know which choice i intend to make. i just have to convince myself that i'm absolutely sure it's the right one this time around.

please pray for me that it actually in fact *is* the best choice.



  • 6.26.2004

    now's the time to make the time; while hope is still in sight 

    on the way back from playing pool last night, nathan and i were commenting on how time seems to be flying by way too fast lately.

    the last few years have gone by at a steadily increasing pace, but even the last few months seem to have disappeared before they actually were even here. like when i realized that it's been three months since smelly's wedding and when i last had fatburger.

    it got me thinking today during the youth car wash (since i'm one of the adult volunteers, my job is to move the vehicles from one station to the next - vacuuming, washing, and finally drying) about when craig and i used to type up a summary of how our typical days were back in high school.

    so for your delight or dismay (either one, really), i provide here a further glimpse into what my life typically is like (everything you ever wanted to know and *then* some) when i subtract all the random or additional events:

    (disclaimer: this is prolly gonna be long-winded and some people may find it boring, so i'll forgive you if you decide not to read it)

    7:15 - this is about the time when i drag my sorry ass out of bed, assuming that i don't oversleep or procrastinate for ten minutes. i get up, pause winamp on my computer, update my simpson's trivia calendar (sad that i can usually get the correct answer for the question without having to reveal the answer), and put on my watch. if i don't do that right away, there is no way i'll keep track of how much time i have before running out the door. i clumsily stumble into the kitchen, usually walking into the wall on my way in (it's early, and my equilibrium takes a while to boot up), fix myself some cinnamon life cereal and a tiny amount of orange juice for breakfast.

    7:20a - hit the bathroom and get ready - get dressed, take a whiz, brush my teeth, and all that good stuff.

    7:30a - 7:40a - i leave the house and head off to work. it's early, and i need to wake up, so i crank up rush's moving pictures album in my stereo. that's about all i listen to in my car these days, and i really only listen to the first five tracks. on the way to work, i usually pass by several hotties either waiting at bus stops or driving past, and for a brief instant, i imagine what my life might be like with one of them as my girl.

    7:50a - i arrive at work and after putting the top up on my car, run up from the parking lot to the building. technically, i should be at my desk at least ten minutes before the phones go live, so i try my best to make it there with ten minutes to spare. once i get to my desk, i hafta wait for my system to login, and then open up our slow ass database. this is also when i fire up aim and outlook and get ready to spend at least a percentage of my day socially networking with people that i've never actually met in person. i also dump my wallet and cell phone into my cabinet and lock it, since i don't really need either of those two items while working and i feel uncomfortable having the extra weight in my pockets (i'm very obsessive compulsive/anal about some things). the calm before the storm.....

    8:00a - i sign onto my aspect phone and our customers begin tearing me a new one. the phones are usually busy right at the beginning of the day, since a lot of people have been waiting since the day before when our phones shut down or there was a weekend during which we don't offer live phones. mondays are usually the worst because we don't start seeing a drop off in the call volume until around 10a or so. i also take the time to regain sanity by strolling through all the webcomics and blogs that i attempt to stay current with. i also check out other game company sites to see what is new and what the release dates are for the games that i would kill to have. the morning goes pretty steady - it really depends on the day as to how busy we are until noon.

    11:00a - last week, we started a new policy of splitting the lunch period so that different teams go and have lunch at staggered times in an effort to keep our phones available straight through 8a-5p without interruption for the convenience of our customers. however, this means that we basically are operating with half the staff yet doing the same amount of work. during this point in the day, our service levels go down the toilet and we work feverishly in a bid to play catch-up with the increasingly high call volumes we have been getting in the last few months. there is just no way to stay ahead of the curve. average call wait times sky-rocket, and the customers start lining up in the queues until we have about 20 people waiting on hold for the next rep to come available.

    12:00p - lunchtime! since an hour goes by pretty quickly, i pretty much have my away message up, my monitor shut off, and all my accessories ready to go right when noon hits and i'm able to sign off my phone and bolt from my desk. i hurry downstairs and across the street to the bagel street cafe in the shopping village next to our campus. my lunch varries every other day; some days it's a toasted sourdough bagel with cream cheese, and others it's a bagel-dog with mustard. i pretty much always get either chocolate milk or cranberry juice to drink with that. after paying for and getting my food, i run *back* across the street and then to our company cafeteria to get a carton of french fries to go. our cafe has like seriously some of the best fucking fries ever.

    12:20p - 12:30p - this is about when i get back to my desk and begin chowing down. when the occasion calls for it, i am a very classy person when it comes to eating, but if i'm at my desk by myself, table manners go right out the window. i pretty much gobble down everything i can as fast as possible for two reaons; 1) i'm starving by this point in the day, and 2) the sooner i finish eating, the sooner i can get back to surfing the web aimlessly or just bullshitting around with whomever else is on lunch until the break ends and i return to the slaughter.

    1:00p - i'm back on phones and the assault begins yet again. right after noon is a bad time for us, because kids on the east coast are just getting home from school at that point since we're on the west coast (3 hour difference). this pace keeps up until around 3p (6p est) when most sensible families are having dinner on the east coast, and we get an average bevy of calls from the rest of the country. after 4p it picks up a bit again since our customers are well aware that we are only available for another hour until the next day. the people who miss the cutoff at the end of the day are usually the first people who call us back the next morning right when we come online.

    5:00p - so long as no additional phone calls have managed to squeak through the phone tree, we all sign off and send our daily stats to the queue lead. these include how many calls we took, our average call time, how many outgoing calls we made to customers who required a callback, things like that. after this, i either head right out to my car and then off to home, or i stick around and chat with my co-workers. there have been times where i have stayed at work an hour or more after the shift ended, just because we all get caught up in some invigorating discussion that removes our perceptions of the passage of time.

    5:20 - 7:00 - i pass out in my room in a futile attempt to revive my lost energy or have dinner if the family is sitting down for a meal. some nights dinner is a hunter/gatherer activity where you raid the fridge and assemble odd combinations of entries. i have been known to create and consume the following dinner: two microwavable pizzas, a package of mac&cheese, potato chips and pickles, watermelon, lemonade and chocolate cake/brownies in *one* sitting. sometimes my family jokes that i am pregnant considering the strange meals i make for myself.

    other nights mom prepares a home-cooked meal which is a lot more sensible. bbq is a favorite in this house; burgers, hot dogs, marinated tri-tip, flank steak; we eat a lot of meat. sometimes though, it's pasta, soup or beef stew.

    7:00 - that 70's show. don't bother me for an hour. during baseball season however, our local affiliate sometimes pre-empts the syndicated re-runs and instead shows the oakland a's laying down the suck. those are the nights i get mad and hafta play vice city for an hour to cool down. there's something about acting like a total nutcase in the video game world that helps to keep me sane in the real one. thank God for gta....

    8:00p - 11:00p - again this depends. when i was working for doug, this would be when i was sitting down to listen to the previous day's worth of radio callers and assemble a montage that could be used to inspire further debates and conversations the next day on the air. since i'm not doing that anymore, this time has been filled by me passing out on my couch. really, i am so exhausted from the previous fourteen hours that i have no possible energy to contine. on the rare occassions that i do manage to stay awake, i'll practice with my airsoft 1911, or play video games or chat online with people while e-mailing and surfing the web some more. i also listen to rush's presto album. really, that's about the only thing i listen to lately while at home. it's my current favorite cd; if you were not aware, most of the recent titles for my posts have been ripped from the lyrics to songs off that album. on different days of the week, this time slot can also be occupied by various other extracuricular activities - worship band rehearsal, family outings, shopping trips, etc.

    11:00p - futurama is on. mom, bro, seamus and i all gather to laugh and enjoy. sometimes dad joins us.

    11:30p - family guy comes on. we all remain seated, and i pass out at some point halfway through the episode.

    12:00a - i wake up disoriented and pissed off that i fell asleep yet again and missed family guy. mom chides me to go to bed. i ignore her and continue laying in a contorted position over the couch and coffee table. aqua teen hunger force comes on. we all remain together to watch this as well.

    12:05p - i pass out again.

    12:30a - i wake up once more, pissed off that i've missed another set of athf episodes. mom again commands me to go to bed. i ignore her and change the channel to nbc to catch conan o'brien. somehow, i always manage to stay awake during conan.

    1:30p - i stumble back to my room, and assemble a bunch of random words to form a slightly coherent and sometimes amusing blog entry. after warding off total exhaustion, i finally succumb to the temptations that the dream world offer, and before going to sleep i queue up my "totally 80's" playlist in winamp and set it on random shuffle, with the first track i have it play being "steal away" by robbie dupree. i dunno why that song, i just like it. why break with tradition?

    weelllllll this post is about four pages long in ms word, so i can only imagine it's gonna be freakin huge when posted on my blog site. sorry for the massive amount of text, and if you read this far you will get a gold star*. hopefully this gives you a pretty good idea of how i spend my days on average. of course not every day goes quite like this. there are after all weekends and holidays.... but the summary for most weekends and holidays is pretty simple:

    sleep, and more sleep.

    *gold star is actually just a yellow asterisk next to your blog link if you happen to be linked on my blog link section.

    and now for something completely random....



  • 6.24.2004

    i strip away the old debris that hides a shiny car 

    damnit.

    i am so fucking exhausted right now. this week has for the most part just royally sucked the life clean out of me.

    today at work we all took a massive collective one for the team up the poop chute. there were about 940 calls total handled by our support department - not too mention our e-mail system decided to completely die and remained fucked for the rest of the day. i seemed to get all the assholes and pissed off people calling in - there were only a few people that i spoke with and assisted who actually expressed any hint of appreciation that i was doing my best to help them resolve their issue so they could continue wasting their lives playing a dumb video game.

    i don't know what was more pathetic today; the guy who was trying to run one of our old hunting games that only required 32mb of ram to run, or the fact that he didn't even meet the requirements for it by having just 16mb on his system. i was floored by the fact he could even get windows 98 itself to run at all, let alone any other software.

    every night this week, i have passed out dead asleep during family guy. i already have all the episodes on dvd anyways, but it still would be nice if i could remain somewhat concious until i decide that i actually need to rest. i don't even get a warning; my body just *shuts off* and the next thing i know, i either wake up during a commercial break or two later, or i don't even snap awake until several hours have passed since then and somehow find the energy to shut off the tv, all the lights, and collapse over on my couch until i need to wake up for work the next morning.

    right now i can barely even see the screen to check for any spelling fuck-ups. either that or i just don't seem to care at this moment. i'm not really even awake right now, i think. it would be interesting to check in the morning and see if i even typed anything coherent at all.

    i don't even have any interest in eating the m&m cookie my folks brought me from quiznos earlier.

    and if it continues to take me ten tries to spell each word properly right now, i am gonna fucking scream.

    sorry for the shitty update. i had intended to type something else (a better one, that for sure i do remember) but that post seems to be eluding my confused and agitated brain. hopefully this weekend will make up for the fact that the other four days so far have bit the big one.

    maybe.



  • 6.22.2004

    this is not a false alarm; this is not a test 

    my my my.

    so much has transpired in the last few weeks that i have a lot to catch up on.

    er, yeah.

    so last weekend (the one that was now 8 days ago) i went up to the tacoma washington area to play some music with that youth band again. i hadn't heard from them in about a year; everybody had just gotten too busy to stay in touch over the last several months. it truly was a pleasure to hang out with those kids again.

    sometimes good company is really all you need in life.

    then during the week work pretty much sucked. we've been getting busier and busier, which i fear is evidence of people gearing up towards purchasing the sequel to our most popular game, which if all goes well (ironic that i say *well*), should be out sometime late september.

    which will be about the time i *may* finally get some. the girl whom i have the best chance with (ok, you got me; the *only* girl i have a chance with) has left for her summer trip to italy and won't return stateside for three months. i have this ever so slight sinking feeling in my gut that even when she does get back, our "friends with priviledges" arrangement will fail to materialize, leaving me once again without any hope of ditching the big white "v" that hangs around my neck.

    this most recent weekend, the one that just concluded a little over 24 hours ago, was spent again in travel. i've calculated; in the last six months i have averaged at least one trip per month. it's been three months since i was last in the beach cities for smelly's birthday, and after that i've been to el camino pines twice in addition to tacoma last week.

    anyways. saturday was my uncle's 50th birthday, and my parents were planning on driving down to san diego for the occasion. of course, they didn't tell me this until last monday, and asked if i would be able to join. i couldn't get off work on friday, so my parents drove down 101 while i sat at work listening to morons whine about how everything under the sun is our fault, until six when i dashed home for a quick shower and then down to sjo for my late night flight to lax.

    having travelled by air three times in the last two weeks, i have begun to realize i miss jetsetting back and forth. there is something as far as excitement goes when you take an airplane. even with all the "hightened" security and such in force throughout our nation, it still is enjoyable. i am a firm believer that sometimes half the fun is in the journey. (foreigner too, if you dig their sound)

    saturday morning was spent having breakfast with friends at uncle bill's in manhattan beach once again, and then driving down the brand spanking new toll road along the pacific coast. i always get the chills when we pass by the san onofre nuclear station; not because the road runs less than 30 yards away from two fully active fission reactors, but because i've always been fascinated by radiological technologies, and san onofre is prolly the closest i'll ever get to what is truly an awesome source of energy (we haven't even tapped 1% of the potential energy that is released during nuclear fission).

    the birthday party was good - my cousins showed me where the fires from last summer stopped barely three feet from their property line. the tree out behind their backyard was completely scorched on the farthest side from the house. their grandfather (on my aunt-by-marriage's side of the family) was not so lucky, with just the foundation and some old appliances (and the brick from the fireplace) surviving the feracious inferno that ravaged the hillside. sitting where the garage used to be is the badly rusted frame of what at an earlier point in time was a nissan sentra.

    i am utterly fascinated by old, rusted things. there is some kind of quaint charm to them that i can't really put my finger on; needless to say i was awe-struck by the sight. of course being me, i made sure to document it all visually - expect to see the photos posted in my gallery sometime tuesday if i get the chance to upload them.

    sunday was ten hours in a car driving up interstate five across most of the state of california. that's really all there is to say about that.

    oh yeah, and throw in the fact that a situation at our church has gotten so dire that we may be starting our own church with some disgruntled members of the congregation in our living room in the next few weeks. it'll be very interesting to see how the political climate with this whole mess changes in the near future.

    lastly, at work we have adopted a new schedule. previously our phones were up from 6am for online games until 6pm, and we provided retail game support between the hours of 8:30am - 4:30pm (all times are PDT). now every game we provide support for (online and retail) is handled strictly from 8am until 5pm, with phones remaining live from 12:00pm - 1:00pm (our previous lunch period which the phones used to be shut down during). there is now a staggered lunch in effect for each of the queues; that means that at 11:30, two people from our queue go off to lunch, then at 12:00 two more people go to lunch, and finally, the last two people go at 1:00.

    so far, that plan has not worked out very well and today was the first trial run of the new setup. there is already talks to change everything around yet again.

    oh, and one more thing. the tv stations around here at least really need to abandon those annoying fucking extra brand chewing gum commercials.

    the guy who does that awful whannabe scottish accent should just stop trying and die.

    er... just stop.

    and then die.

    in the meantime, i'll tell the sandman you said hello.



  • 6.21.2004

    we all need somebody to lean on 

    sorry for lack of postage. er... postings.

    my plan currently is to type up a bigass post that should hopefully succeed at updating you to where i am at currently in life.

    there is all kinds of crazy shit going down right now, and the last few weeks have been interesting to say the least.

    (have to pass out now after driving 10 hours)

    night.



  • 6.16.2004

    like a stranger coming out of the rain 

    my sincere apologies - i have been meaning to blog lately; really, i have.

    i've also just been completely dead fucking tired.

    i dunno why; it's quite amazing really. last night i fell half asleep during athf. one moment i'm watching master shake get his cheekbones lifted, and the next the credits are rolling and everybody is slinking off to bed.

    that is something i really can't fucking stand. only falling half unconcious while the world passes by. not quite in the real world, yet stopped just outside the realm of dreams.

    stuck in the middle: in some sort of exhaustion pergatory.

    my fingers aren't even feeling the keys of my keyboard or landing in the proper places, i'm so tired.

    you'd think i'd have more energy after sitting around at work all day....

    there will be something substantial very soon. promise.



  • 6.14.2004

    lost in a world of my own; i thought i could run alone 

    agitated, frustrated, and exhausted.

    that's typically how i end up feeling after the monday at work following a good weekend. i imagine that in order to have a supremely good weekend, the proceeding week has to suck. guess that's just the way the shit flushes.

    there will be some kind of post detailing my weekend later, but for now: "booyah".

    check it g. that be the website for craig and mine's film.

    awwwww yeah.

    home stretch in sight now, baby.



  • 6.13.2004

    i keep trying to find the light 

    if everyday were half as hectic as sunday was, i'd be dead in a month.

    it started off with me hitting the tarmac running. (almost literally)

    unfortunately the only flight from tacoma back to california available when my ticket was purchased had a scheduled departure of just after six am. this meant getting up at four thirty am and hauling to seatac to get to the check-in counter at around five.

    that was in theory. in pratice, i walked into the alaskan airlines terminal at five twenty-five. not too big a deal; usually it has been my experience that sundays are a light travel day.

    except for *this* particular sunday. with close to three hundred people waiting in line for the e-ticket check-in, and another three hundred or more waiting at the security check-point, my heart sank as i came to realize the grim conclusion that i very well might not make my flight.

    i *know* for a fact that there is a God, and that he extended his grace upon me that morning. there is simply no other humanly possible way i made it on the plane in time.

    suprisingly each line only took fifteen minutes or so to wait through; the airport staff were really hustling to prepare for the over eighteen thousand people that were travelling on that *one* airline alone today. i learned that bit of trivia from a staff person that was waving passengers through the queues to the check-in counters.

    by the time i reached the entrance of the security check-in line, there was about fifteen minutes or so until my flight was to leave the gate and taxi down the runway. i made sure that everything i needed ready was taken care of; i had unpacked my laptop, placed all my pocket contents into the camera bag, and had removed my shoes and coat. i walked through the metal detector with about five minutes left before take-off.

    naturally, my flight was at the very end of the terminal. i booked it past twelve gates in the almost futile attempt to make it in time. thankfully the plane was still there and i was the second to last person to board the packed jet liner.

    it wasn't until we hit thirty three thousand feet when i was able to catch my breath and relax........

    .....next to a super hot goth girl....




    to be continued.......??????!

    you could only *hope!* :-P



  • 6.09.2004

    play of light; a photograph 

    so far this week has been going alright.

    the family and myself seem to be getting along rather well. my health insurance coverage begins on july first, so i can *finally* go to get "officially" diagnosed as having asperger's syndrome. then i can be put on this "wonder" medication that supposedly has no side effects yet will increase my ability to focus, keep me from becomming agitated as easily, and help get myself more better organized.

    it's worth a try. oh yeah, and it should help to remove the chronic depression i have struggled with for the past ten years.

    that'll be good.

    work is going along steadily albeit with some growing pains. there are talks of a permanent schedule change in the very near future. phone reps are also no longer handling e-mail support requests (except on weekends: this last saturday i responded to 275 incidents); we've gone back to the days of having a dedicated queue of reps who *only* answer e-mails. it's taking a slight amount of awkward adjustment, but as they stated in our department pow-wow last week, we're heading into transition time.

    i am sooooo looking forward to this weekend, which technically will begin once work gets out on wednesday. i'll be up in the tacoma washington area from thursday until sunday morning, playing music with a youth band that i've become involved with over the past few years now.

    lemme tell you this; they are an awesome group of kids to hang out with. even though i'm just a drummer, i consider myself a musician, and as such i feel i am able to pick up on subtle things when playing music with other people. the confidence and skill level of each individual member of a band is key as to how comfortable i feel with my own abilities, and these guys are just incredibly gifted. they all know their stuff unbelievably well, which makes my job all the more easier.

    i've been in situations before where i've played with musicians that weren't all that confident in their talents or were un-able to supress their nervousness at playing before a live audience, and in those cases it has a very negative drowning effect on me. when things just don't seem to click, you can really feel it and it's an unbearably difficult spot to be in.

    not so with this group. everybody is on the same page and is able to cast off any doubts they have in order to get completely lost in what they do. it's truly a thing of wonder and beauty that is unequaled when you know that you are creating music alongside supremely talented individuals. it's also a feeling i have not felt in a good long while. during the musical a few weeks ago, it was sort of present, but since we hadn't really had any chance to rehearse all of the music thoroughly, it wasn't until the final night of performances when we all sort of sank into a groove and really rode the waves to shore.

    tonight while i was listening to rush and waiting for a stack of fifteen cd-r's to finish burning, i kept dozing off and having these mini-daydreams.

    my thoughts continued returning to this one girl who is a possible candidate for passionate "encounters" later on this summer. i saw my hands running down her smooth back; my lips pressed against hers, our tongues intermingled in a gentle but firm union; how wonderful it would be to share a powerful embrace with a tremendous gal such as herself.

    then i saw a man standing at a dining table, in a very cold and empty house. he was hunched over and never once did i see his face. without his saying a word, i understood that this was a man who had been burdened with witnessing somebody he loved pass away in front of his own eyes. i felt the helplessness that weighed upon his heart as he contemplated how there was nothing he could have done to have saved his lover.

    i'm not quite sure what that second, darker sequence means.

    except for that i'm super tired. you guys always seem to catch me right when i'm halfway to the next realm.

    maybe one day we'll all meet together on the same plane.

    and there will be much rejoicing.



  • 6.07.2004

    oh the wind can carry all the voices of the sea 

    after making a decree in the comments of one of becca's entries that things will be going better for those of us who have had shitty weeks lately, life has begun looking slightly more positive.

    * (btw, thank you jessie for your awesome comment to my last post. that made my day!) :-) *

    sunday afternoon was the annual congregational meeting at our church, and many people had brought bullet-proof vests (figuratively) in anticipation of the hellstorm we were expecting to face. our last congregational meeting ended with our treasurer walking out with her face soaked in tears, her resignation being tendered the next day. to be honest, a large part of the animosity that exploded with tremendous force back in february stemmed from more than a few people trying to push their own competing agendas and trying to blacklist others.

    pretty much *every* current member of our church showed up today. everyone on staff was sweating blood that there would be carry-over anger lingering from the last time we all assembled, but much to our surprise the meeting went smoothly. no arguments. no shouting matches. no accusations or finger pointing. everybody present acted in a very civilized manner; everybody understood (for once) what every item on the agenda was and how it worked, and people seemed very much at ease. the potential for things to head south could certainly have arisen at any point but never once did it reveal itself.

    the only problem was that the meeting went on for *three hours.*

    we switched to a new voting system to elect council members, and because of this, the people who had volunteered to count and tally up the ballots after they were collected were utterly clueless on how to proceed properly.

    as a result, *each* vote took close to forty minutes to parse through. i was up in the sound booth working the mixing console while dad ran about with the q&a handheld wireless mic down in the crowd; during one of the later lulls in the meeting i ended up falling dead asleep from boredom.

    by the time the meeting actually ended, so many people had left for other committments that we almost lacked enough people for a quorum to vote to have the meeting adjourned.

    considering everybody had literally worried themselves sick about this meeting for several months now, the fact that it went well was a huge sigh of relief to many people.

    i had intended to come home and work on some projects afterward but was so exhausted after three hours of sitting still that i ended up taking an extended nap until six thirty when we left the house for dinner. mom and dad had the brilliant suggestion for us to go to outback down in cupertino, and a good, medium cooked filet mignon was just what i needed to lift my spirits up.

    later on this week i am heading up to tacoma in washington state to play drums with a youth band for a synod assembly meeting. i leave early early on thursday morning and get back in town almost as early on sunday morning. i prolly won't have opportunity to post during that time.

    damnit. i did it again. i had planned on going to bed earlier to get a good night sleep, and here it is one am. the night owl in me just refuses to be stifled. he must fly.

    while he's doing that, *this* bird's gonna go pass the fuck out.



  • 6.05.2004

    all puffed up with vanity, we see what we want to see 

    my career in editing talk show caller audio to compile into montages for a nationally syndicated radio program have come to an end. the services of your's truly are no longer required since there are people who are willing to do the same job (that i was being paid 800 a month to do) for free.

    damn brown-nosers.

    ah well. i got close to two months pay out of it. that should hopefully help fairly well with the camera cost.

    since mom and seamus were off taking a motorcycle course offerred by the chp on friday night, dad and i headed out to dine at the pf chang's down by stanford. that place has quite possibly the best hot & sour soup. that particular dish is my measure of standard against which i judge all chinese restaurants; if the hot & sour soup makes me sweat like a frenchmen, then it's a good place to eat.

    the only issue with pf chang's that i can see, especially the one at stanford shopping center, is that it is a *major* trendy date magnet.

    everybody and their mom was eating there with some significant other. the food is always exquisite, but the atmosphere can get depressing really quick.

    i seriously wouldn't be surprised if i was the only single person there that night. i always hate situations like that; it makes me feel even more insignificant than i already normally hold myself to be. the anxiety begins kicking in and i can feel myself heading towards an emotional breakdown and psychological freakout. had we stayed another five minutes, i prolly woulda felt the urge to snap and start yelling at people. i felt like total miserable ass. despite the wonderful food.

    really, i just can't stand seeing all these people that are so happy. sure, deep down inside they may be hurting or things could not be going as well as they outwardly may seem, but at the same time they are several notches higher on the overall happiness scale than i am. they at least have somebody else to be with, to hang out with, to share their lives with.

    where-as myself? i really don't have anything like that. not too dissimilar from the child on the playground that seems to be the only one who doesn't have the latest "in" item or is not a part of the latest fad, i get so angry and bitter over the fact that it will conceivably be an even longer amount of time until i have the companionship of another person whose eyes burn with love and lust for me.

    if ever.

    true happiness comes from within - this i am aware of, but sometimes i find it difficult for me to identify a lot to be express happiness about.

    except for when becca comments on my site. she *always* has a way of cheering me up. thank you ma'am. it is truly appreciated.

    my saturday was spent at work from 9am until 6pm; answering customer e-mails and taking a few calls for our online game. the e-mails seemed to be coming in at a 2:1 ratio in regards to how fast i was answering them. for every one e-mail i would respond to, two others would populate the inbox and i kept fighting upstream for the better part of the day until i finally got the e-mail count down below 190 outstanding incidents.

    the parents and myself went to taco hell late tonight for some grubs, where yet again there was a slight deluge of very pretty young ladies.

    all of them taken.

    no big surprise.

    ok kids. dante thinks he needs his self some sleep now.



  • 6.03.2004

    don't turn your back and slam the door on me 

    ughhh.

    ever get the feeling that your own plans are being cast into a furnace in exchange for sheer randomness?

    i mean, i understand that when you pray for God's will to happen and not your own that at times things may not go in your favor, but practically very little *ever* going in your favor?

    this is just fucking ridiculous.

    craig and i both keep inadvertently throwing wrenches into our plans for making the film this summer. i suppose it's not outside the realm of possibility to expect some hesitancy on a project that literally will be very taxing on us to our cores. my hope still is that this film works for us and that we are able to get this thing done. maybe even have a success in our hands?

    the problems that currently have arose involve scheduling conflicts with jobs, schooling, and other aspects that don't seem to have any reasonably clear resolution in the near future.

    after my finally securing a steady paycheck a few months ago, it would admittedly be rather financially irresponsible to turn around and walk away from my only source of income. i just wonder if this is one of those "risks that pays off in the long run" type situations, but looking back over the past few years of my life, a significant majority of the risks that i took ended up backfiring and setting me backwards along the lines of progress.

    should i just stop expecting anything to work out for me the way i want? should i just accept that what i hope for in life will never bear fruit and that i must simply float willingly about at the whim of chaos?

    *sigh*

    work was at least somewhat good. we cleared out the two hundred e-mails before the staff meeting at lunch, as well as being dealt a slightly less harsher call volume than the day before.

    sometime around eleven or so we also fragged one of the servers. as i was walking a customer through uninstalling our game and removing all of the registry keys, the fire alarms went off and we started hearing the sound of the equipment for the halon system in the server room at the other end of the building rumbling to life. after being evacuated to the parking lot (our floor's roll call spot is the farthest point in the parking lot from the campus) for about twenty minutes, we returned to our desks with a very faint charred smell hanging over us in the air.

    after phones went down at noon we all filed into the new auditorium to be introduced to our new managers, as well as hear the outlined plans for the future of the tech support department. it was interesting to say the least; it would seem that the company is returning to it's original policy (finally!) of promoting from within and including the customer support division when it scours for new talent for recruitment to the higher departments.

    from the meeting, we all headed to the bowling alley that coincidentally is four blocks down the hill from my house and spent the rest of the afternoon sloshing down beers, pizza, and playing somewhat decent rounds of bowling. all of the teams were chosen at random; myself and the guy who sits behind my desk happened to get picked to play on the same team as our new boss. that seemed to work in our favor; i had a good conversation with him and he learned that i've been with the company on and off since our biggest franchise started shipping nearly five years ago.

    at three or so we were all let go and i returned home to work on some neglected projects that i've been meaning to get around to. due to fox's programming wisdom, i got to enjoy three hours of that 70's show in one night which i would say has evenly made up for the many times where i missed out on getting to watch. at least my daily life isn't a total loss; there are in fact bright spots of light that pierce the rather hazy myre that i aimlessly wander.

    and i still have my dreams to turn to. the ones that happen during my sleep i mean.

    since most of my fanciful dreams seem to be too far-fetched to ever be fleshed out into workably beneficial solutions.

    you go back, jack. you do it again....



  • 6.02.2004

    complicate me, elevate me 

    the weekend at camp was quite awesome.

    suprisingly there was little traffic on the way down 5 saturday morning. i only stopped off twice; once to get that hot chocolate from ya'bon in morgan hill (i swear i am addicted to their cocoa mix) and then once at harris ranch for a very relieving whiz.

    i showed up just as most of the families were showing up for camp, and located most of the staff pretty quickly as they were running about trying to get everything together. we didn't get as much time this weekend to hang out like before, but it was still a lot of fun.

    there were a few particularly memorable times; hanging out in the office or by the pool in the early afternoon. matty was in charge of the archery course so i hung out with him a bunch and ocassionally stepped up to his challenges of proving my archery skill.

    we also made up fbi wanted posters with his picture since for some odd reason the government faxed a top ten most wanted list to the campsite. needless to say, we never saw any actual terrorists.

    there also wasn't any time to engage in airsoft battles, but there are always more opportunities in the near future.

    sometimes hanging out with good friends is exactly what you need in life when all the shit manages to hit the fan at once (which it seems to always do with realiable predictability).

    especially when you get back to work after a three day holiday weekend and end up being slammed in the ass with hundreds of e-mail requests, serial numbers, and endless sets of calls.

    tuesday was a fucking madhouse in the department. it was almost looking like we needed to start handing out the vaseline to each of the reps from the screw job the impatience of all the people who had issues with our games over the past few days was dealing us unmcerifully.

    at least today (wed) we are having a department meeting after lunch to introduce us to the new manager that is taking control of our support division, and then afterwards we have an off-site hang out time at a bowling alley a few blocks from my place. it means we're only really working for a half day doing actual tech support stuff, so that will be nice after not being able to take a breath the day before.

    in other news, there is a change in the whole male/female relationship climate situation on the horizon for me. it's been brought to my attention that a certain girl who is interested in yours truly has recently become available after ending a long distance relationship.

    and she said she wants to "hook up" with me, but with no strings attatched. does this mean dante may *finally* get some????

    stay tuned to find out.....



  • 6.01.2004

    dreamers learn to steer by the stars 

    very fun weekend.

    busy.

    but fun.

    i'll hafta detail about it later. i would gotten home much sooner tonight had it not been for i-152 being backed up for miles by people slowing to watch chp officers shovel a pile of cow shit away from a jaguar that had gone "off-roading" into a cattle pasture and collided with a tree.

    other than that two-hour setback, i flew home practically.

    damn rubberneckers.

    i'll be checking out everyone's blogs and sites sometime tomorrow evening after work. i'll also work on typing up a post about the weekend.

    til then, get some sleep cuz i sure as hell should.

    but i'll leave a light on for ya... ;-)


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