well, craig is posting the pics of the jack on his message board, so he said i might get an influx of visitors to my blog to check it out.

some things;

the pumpkin took about a half hour or so to carve. much like the real max payne, it refused to give up without a fight and i spent a longass time gouging out it's innards.

i was gonna do the sillouhette of max and mona from the cover of mp2, but it's a bit too intricate for a small pumpkin like that one. i might get a bigger pumpkin next year and do that idea on it. or see if i can find a bigass pumpkin at any of the half-off sales tomorrow. however, for this particular guy i decided that just plain old max from the first game would suffice. that, and max looked cooler in the first game anyways.

i'll take some better pictures of the jack tomorrow and during dusk tomorrow evening. the pics i have now really don't seem to do it as much justice.

i have a few projects in the works that i will post updates on this page for. they will be located in the linkbar thingy on the right, and of course i will continue to update my blog in the usual every-other-or-almost-every-day fashion.

welcome, and enjoy the stay in my corner of the intarweb. some of the posts on here are bitches about work, but some are legit entries and even a few of them are actually funny.

oh, if you care to e-mail me, please notice that you hafta reformat the e-mail addy. i guess there has been some confusion amongst the limited number of people who previously had frequented my blog as to why they kept getting e-mails bounced back. but then again, i know you already were aware of needing to reformat it as you have l337 skillz. good thing web-marketers and spam mailers aren't aware of needing to format it tho...

ok, i'm out for the night for real this time.

  • trick or treat, smell my feet, gimmie something good to eat 

    ....or you could just check out the max-o-lantern payne...

    think i'm a little obsessed?? damn that game rocks...

    strange dream last night....

    *begin trippy wavey transition into my dream*

    i was a part of an experiment gone wrong; a failed genetically altered think tank subject, along with several others. we had all been bred to serve specific purposes; different senses or abilities that were hightened along with vastly inflated mental prowess. since the professor was dissatisfied with the result, he had finished working on us, leaving us in half altered states or only slightly superior to others. however, he couldn't bring himself to kill us or abandon us. he had enough of a soft spot that he kept us in his laboratory where we had always lived. the only person who came by to take care of us was his bitter, neglected wife. the years had taken their toll on her appearances as well as the intense drinking problems. where once there was a lovely young woman now only stood a bitter frame of estrogen in search of vengeance.

    like prisoners she kept us there, since the professor had all but by now forgotten about us. he was a senile old fool at this point, having lost all memory of his life's work. everyday his wife would enter the lab from the lift located in the center of the room; shrouded by shatterproof glass as protection from some of his earlier mistakes. with one hand she would throw us what little spoiled food she did manage to scrounge from underneith the dinning table in the grand hall upstairs everynight. in the other sat the box that we all feared. a remote control, it was linked to the transceivers in each of us. if we got out of line or had become excessively violent during our development, the professor would use it to firmly induce enough pain to make us reel back and return to behaving normally. now, all it did was provide her with ultimate control in a life that otherwise had lacked it. for fun, she would randomely send powerful shocks through our nervous systems and reduce us to quivering messes on the floor.

    however, tonight when she came downstairs to take out her anger, i felt a change in the atmosphere. i had been studying the professor's old manuscripts and journals; and had read of a world that existed apart from the dungeon in which we were held. we had always known there was a world just beyond the reaches of the laboratory lift; yet since we had never seen it all we could do was rely on information that was fed to us through books and old films. many times had i longed to see this great expanse of blue that people referred to as the sky. it seemed so glorious and never-ending, much in the same fashion as the vast wealth of intellectual power we six subjects posessed.

    when she got to my cage, i swiftly kicked the tray she carried in her hand out from her. it slid to the other side of the room with a loud clang. enraged, she pressed the remote control as hard as she could, tho this time as the implants began to surge under the extreme voltage, i felt not a thing. instead, i looked at her calmly and peacefully. this further angered her and she began pushing the buttons for all the subjects. all of them collapsed to the floor in sheer agony, yet again i remained unphased by the torment. having discovered a chapter in the professor's diary discussing how pain is entirely subjective and that people can choose to ignore pain if they trained themselves long enough, i had slowly but surely built up a tolerance to the enslaught of torture that was exacted upon us daily.

    in an insane fit, she grabbed a beaker from off the table and brought it down upon my skull, shattering into a billion points of light. as i went down to the ground from the impact, she engaged the self destruct feature of the lab that the professor had installed should he ever need to contain or destroy a failed theory. however during this time, she had managed to let go of the control remote. the subject nearest to me had noticed, and managed to overcome the energy that was consuming his body to grab the controller. with a loud crack, he swung the box down upon her head, and she came to rest, motionless on the floor.

    klaxons in the room were sounding and count-down had begun. with haste i made my way to the lift, and having taken the keycard from the incapacitated wife's hands, activated it and inched upwards towards freedom. when it came to a stop, i looked over to my left to see the professor sitting at the dining table, surrounded by tall dark bookshelves and a giant picture window in the center of the room. even though i had put the awareness of pain out of my mind, the muscles and ligaments in my body had still undergone a tremendous amount of damage. as i crawled over towards the dining room, the professor slowly turned towards me, and after a moment's pause, a smile crept across his face. remembering what he had been able to accomplish, his smile had both a forgiving quality and a hint of sadness. without his even saying a word, i was able to understand that he felt terrible remorse for what he put us through.

    i slunk slowly closer to him, and just as the entire structure went up in a blinding white flash of light and heat, i saw a lone, puffy cloud hanging in a vast and timeless sky.

    *wavey transition back into reality*

    guess i should stop eating chocolate before i go to bed.

    ikea was fun, saw quite a few couches and sofas that looked interesting. since i am horribly broke, i of course didn't buy any of them, but i managed to snag a real in-expensive fiber-optic light tree and a shelf for some of my die-cast model cars.

    we then went to max's in burlingame where i quickly discovered that *all* of my favorite items have now been removed from the menu. i reached a compromise and had a ny sirloin, which was good but since i had been looking forward to a french dip, didn't really thrill me all too much. it of course tho, was delicious. it also took damn near forever since our waiter was a bit of a mental case and only showed up at our table every half hour or so. when i say that, i mean that literally. we were there for three hours, all told. between waiting to order, waiting for the food, waiting for dessert, and waiting for the check. we didn't really mind it too drastically since we were all having a good time and when you are having fun, time indeed manages to fly, but it was still a bit of a shock when we got out and noticed that the sun was now in the far west about to set in an hour or so. yeesh.

    after that we headed to the costco in south city. are was pretty much ghetto, and so was the inside of the store. well, i mean it wasn't too terribly different from any other costco, but the people hanging out in there looked like they were all around a fifth grade level. some good prices on lobster tail tho, and they had this really cool book about cats that i want to get now. and, they also do something unique to the chain, or at least unique as far as i can surmise; as you wait in line, they scan your membership card and then scan the items for you *before* you get to the register, so when you get up there, all the cashier does is scan your club card, it rings up the entire price, and you pay and move on. very efficient, it prolly saved a good five minutes in line. i wouldn't be surprised to see this kind of service slowly appear in other stores as well, not just costcos. i'm guessing the scanners they used were linked on a bluetooth network; whoever came up with that little gem of an idea is prolly sleeping very comfortably tonight.

    came back, took a half hour nap, and began to carve the pumpkin. it didn't turn out quite as i would have liked, but i feel it's pretty cool looking nonetheless. i'll try to get more pics of it during the daytime as all the pictures i have taken so far don't seem to really do it any justice.

    yay! we have a fire going in the fireplace. that's the first time we've done that since at least two years ago. it's nice and warm, which goes well with the white chile and bread we had for dinner. the rest of the fam is in watching the copy of chicago that grandma brought on her visit. i would go in and watch with them, but a) it's a videotape so the quality sucks, b) it's full frame and i really cannot STAND to watch films that are not shown in their original aspect ratios, and c) renee zewellger looks like someone punched her face and it never quite stopped being swollen.

    might watch some terminator 2 again or jurassic park. haven't decided yet. at any rate, i shall go now but will return at a time that is not now.

  • 10.30.2003

    being pushed and shoved by people trying to beat the clock, oh ho i just don't know 

    as you may clearly see off to the right, assuming that your broswer refreshed enough, i have vastly modified the right hand panel of the blog. :-D

    the links section is now listed in the order of sites that i visit on a daily basis. that's pretty much how i like to start off my day within the first few moments of getting out of bed. so, i'm sure you really needed to know my web surfing order, but ah it's something to tide you over until there are more major changes effected....

    what changes might *those* be???? only time will tell.

    actually, wait. time and dead men tell no tales. since time isn't really a tangible concept, only the progression from one molecular state to the next in seemingly chaotic fashion, it would be quite difficult for something like time to not only verbalize, but predict the future in which you see what changes will take place on this remote and forbidden corner of the intarweb.

    anyways, below that link section, i have also added a section speficially for graphic novels, as i have decided that i am gonna eventually put together another one. dunno what on yet, but it will be quite awesome and delightfully random.

    so i did end up taking a nap back then, slept for like two hours. i was beat. before i drifted out of conciousness, i put in paul simon's graceland since i haven't heard that album in like forever. very soothing, and relaxed me quite sufficiently. sleep ocurred. it was good.

    i'm extremely gasy right now. just felt like sharing that. since the internet has failed to develop odor streaming technology, i must rely simply on mere words to convey the sheer horror of the caustic vapors i am currently exuding.

    also, yeah. the smoker's lung can pleasantly go to hell. despite the fact that i don't smoke, i cough worse than most of the pack-a-day rats i know. most i've ever smoked in a year was three cigars; one for new year's, one for fourth of july (away from flammable canisters of gunpowder, of course) and once for my b-day. which reminds me, i didn't smoke a cigar for my b-day this year. good thing too, it's really a nasty habit if you get hooked, and cigars (at least good ones) are pretty damn expensive.

    i really can't get enough of the chicago i bought the other day on iTunes music store. i am annoying when it comes to music; i will listen to one particular song repeatedly until i get sick and tired of it. it's why i have such a large music collection, i listen to stuff to beyond it's death, and then get sick of it and ignore it for a year or so. like with sublime. i od'd on them a year ago, put it away, and for a while i couldn't stop listening to them the other month. it's wholly inconceivable, but i actually burned myself out on u2 for a while. i've put them aside for now, listening to mostly steely dan, soundgarden, hall & oates, and this chicago. eventually i'll go back to u2 again, but i'm waiting eagerly for their next album which is supposed to be nearing completion pretty soon. according to bono, the new lp is gonna mainly feature edge and some stuff he's been noodling with, which will rock extremely hard. guy is a friggin genius with a guitar, and then some.

    gonna be heading over to the new ikea over in e-palo alto to check out sofas and futons. it's about time i replace the couch i currently sleep on; it is so horribly lacking in support that i can only sleep on my back. damn shame too, since this couch has been in the family for about twenty years now, and used to be the ultimate thing to sleep on. if i were cool, i prolly woulda defiled the couch with a girl, but being that i am just my lame self, ahem, no.

    i forgot to carve that pumpkin for mom, so i gotta wake up reasonably early tomorrow to flex my artistic l337 skillz. figured out what i am gonna do for the design; a picture of course will be made readily available soon enough.

    hmm.. can't really think of anything else for now.

    but don't worry.

    i'll be back.

  • does anybody really know what time it is? 

    ugh. especially since i woke up at 4:30a for work. <- not, in fact a bitch.

    ok, yeah it is a bitch.

    only had a short day today. at work that is. came home and had some grubs with the folks, noodled around on the net for a bit, and then learned that bro's system is infected with a digital plague. it keeps placing porn links randomly in his fave list, and changes the homepage. enlisted the good folks at trendmicro who helped me locate and DESTORY all the infected files, now i'm just periodically going through and uninstalling shit and regediting the hell out of his system. it's a bitch, but oh well.

    my mind is currently a blank right now. i gotta carve a jack-o-lantern for ma in a bit, and then go to rehearsal. haven't decided just yet what i am gonna do as far as a design.

    gotta clip my nails again. they're long enough that about half of each finger no longer touches the keys on my keyboard. i tend to mentally blank on when i need to clip nails and hair. like, i just realized today that i need to get a haircut or at least a trim in the very near future.

    wow. this is neat. i haven't really felt "out of body" for a long time now. almost forgot what it's like. the lack of connection to the world. floating above everything. the queasiness and feeling of less then average balance. dunno what prompted it either, being that i don't use controlled substances aside from the occasional nyquil when suffering from complete sinul failure.

    could be that i'm completely exhausted. gonna go take a nap, and blog a bit more later on tonight.

  • 10.29.2003

    we took this trip to garden grove, smelled like lou dog in the van 

    download iTunes, join the apple music store, and purchase the song "outtathaway" by the vines. in that order.

    once upon a time, there was a period where my blog wasn't so heavily concentrated on lamenting how horrifically awful my job is. i shall endeavor to make a return to the better days.

    although i will say this, i gotta blog right now as it is that i have to wake up early and go back to work for a few extra hours. but then i have the rest of the day to myself. myself, damnit! you can't have it!!

    i have these freaky mini-zits on the bottom of my right elbow. they aren't really noticable; more like goosebumps than anything else, but they feel annoying when i set my elbow down on anything. being that they are on my elbow, they are quite difficult to pop. :-/

    i still can't remember the details of my dreams yesterday morning. which is *still* bugging me, especially because i remember just enough to know that they were really awesome and quite significant. perhaps they even held the key to the answers of all my questions! and yet i can't for the life of me recall!!! i know that the information is within reach, my brain just seems to be failing in retrieving those files. fuck. guess i gotta run a mental defrag sometime soon. that or place my head within close proximity of a large and powerful electro-magnet. note: wear diapers when you do this....

    oh yeah, download some chicago on iTunes as well. those guys were cool. choice tracks include "hard habit to break," "stay the night," "25 or 6 to 4," and "does anybody really know what time it is?" the first two are great examples of chicago understanding the 80's scene, and yet managing to keep their classic sound at the same time; blending both flawlessly. the third one is just an all out groove fest and the last one goes off into some tom jones-like territory but in the way that only chicago could.

    through some miracle, my cousin's place down in el cajon managed to get spared from the terrible inferno that is currently devastating the southern portion of the state. their neighbor's house was torched, and my aunt's father's place down the road is ruined. my aunt went past it today and started laughing maniacally at the debris. this would be considered quite rude, yet she underwent a total personality change a few years back after she learned that her father had been molesting a large number of children in their neighborhood over a period of twenty-five years.

    where-as before this grim revelation she was about as prudish as you could get, she suddenly started cursing like a sailor, allowed my cousins to finally watch gore-iffically violent films, and developed a truly foul sense of humor. meaning, she is now on par with how i normally am, so i was quite shocked when she first e-mailed me a joke that would make most liberals blush.

    i intend to eventually implement a comments section on here sometime in the not too distant future. i don't know when; it'll be a surprise!

    indeed as well, i am finally gonna get an online gallery space so that i can upload images that somehow tie into a few of the blog entries on here and provide everyone with a visual understanding of my life. oh wait. that might be a bad thing. nah, but be on the lookout for that as well. it shall be cool. i will have my photoshops on there as well, seeing as how photoshop IS MY BITCH. :-D

    in fact, i have a few photoshops in the works. being that i have actually had hours at my job this week to occupy my time, i haven't had the chance to devote the attention they so deserve. in the same fashion as the graphic novel i recently did, you will eventually be treated to them. and hopefully, you will dig them.

    there are times when i really wish that matter replicators like on star trek existed. too bad the concept is next to damn near impossible to actually achieve. hopefully there is a race of space super mutants on the far side of the galaxy that have developed this technology and will one day share it with us meek humans. then there would be much rejoicing, and i could finally have a 59 cadillac, and all for only the energy cost equivelent to that required to blow up a nebula!

    time to go listen to some talk talk and then pass out.

    for now, dante taking five.

  • 10.28.2003

    size of the entire universe man, usually kind to smaller man 

    despite the fact that i've worn different pairs of dickies at work for almost a year now, all of a sudden i am no longer allowed to since they have the name-patch on them. i asked if it were alright for me to just *remove* the patch and wear the pants without the logo; no, that as well is not acceptable. they want me to start buying a specific and very expensive brand of slacks. and since i'm only part-time, i can't get re-imbursed for career wear.

    this really sucks. i started wearing dickies for work because they are the only pants that don't get totally shredded in the knees after a week. seeing as how the majority of my time during sets is spent taping shit on the floor while *kneeling,* i require a pair of pants that can withstand the abuse since replacing slacks on a very frequent basis is a total bitch.

    gotta love the mentality of the company. i have to look like a finely dressed butler, even though the majority of the work of setting up stuff is damn filthy and gets you dirty as all sin. then, they get mad at you for being dirty after doing a set. ........

    i so want to quit.

    damnit. the fires are about to destroy all the cool shit up at arrowhead. both craig and todd's cabins sit in the path of the awful blaze. fuck. pray that somehow the town of blue jay gets spared. seeing as how teams are desperately warding off flame at rim of the world high, the outlook may be fairly grim.

    yesterday was a trip. went with mom to the store to get some stuff, and lo and behold the previous manager reggie, who had moved away to a vegas store about three or four years ago, is back in town. i guess they closed all the vegas branches of the store since their nor cal logic and prices didn't sit well with the nevada crowd. he's now doing bookkeeping and shit for the chain. caught up with him for a few moments; it was cool to see him again.

    back when he and i both worked at that branch, anytime he was the closing manager on saturdays, he would bring in a radio, hook up the store intercom to it and run the disco party mix on the local dance station over the store's speakers. disco saturday nights, man. that shit was awesome. even though for the most part i hated working at the store, it was always less of a burden to work to the sounds of disco. good times.

    mom, bro and i are gonna be taking a rifle course at the local range. should be really cool and informative. mom wants to eventually get a gun so we are starting off on learning rifles and will eventually move to handguns.

    i had some cool dreams again last night. unfortunately, it's been long enough since i've woken up that i don't beleive i can tangibly reconstruct memories from them enough to make sense. that, and i really don't have any more time for now to begin going in depth into them since i hafta leave for work soon.

    fuck. i can't even remember some of the more prominent details of them anymore. argh. how infuriating. it's like the information is sitting right behind a thinly veiled sheet.... i can make out the fuzzy outline but details are wholly lost.


  • 10.26.2003

    knows not where he's going to 

    last couple days have been interesting.

    as i mentioned before, went and saw bubba ho-tep. seriously a badass film. nathan and i almost didn't make it to the showing, had to go to palo alto and fight the crowds down on the main drag. talk about lots of finely looking tail all up on that street. very, very high maintenance tail, but nice all the same. ended up parking like four blocks from the theater at the caltrain station and ran through the town to grab the seats nathan's cousin saved for us. short film, but really cool.

    came back, installed the video card, nuff said. ran by ea and nathan showed me his new work system, encased in the pant's-creamingly-beautiful antec sonata case. if there was a way i could merge the awesomeness that is our camry, and a computer, than surely this case is the means to the end. i must have it.

    yesterday of course was work. got stuck for a long ass time behind a shitty accident and construction work on southbound 101. ended up bailing on the freeway two exits away from where i got on, and cutting down a ways to south of the accident and then back on. after cursing my crappy shaver for the battery dying on me as i was halfway through my shave, a cop siren started blaring behind me. looking at my speedometer, i began to shit myself realizing that i was horrendously over the speed limit. pulling over to the next lane, i expected the chp to follow me over, but instead he rocketed past and shot down the freeway.

    relief was just one of the things that eventually passed over me as i realized i wasn't gettin busted for violating safe driving means, but i got a nasty cramp in my lower back from the adrenaline which only worsened the pain i've been having from not sleeping comfortably on my couch. i really need to get a new one or replace it with a futon. most futons look pretty God-awful but they are quite affordably in-expensive.

    work for the most part was alright. boss wouldn't leave because ever since his divorce, he's been hanging out in the office for the better part of his off-time; either dozing off on the internet or immersing himself in price quotes for shows that won't happen until next fall. go figure, i guess he can make himself happy that way. anyways, it ended up cutting enough into my time that when he finally did leave, i didn't have near enough time to begin watching fight club without wanting to finish watching it.

    a major pet peeve of mine is only watching a part of a film (un-intentionally) or catching a film halfway through. i've only seen the beginning of beetlejuice about three or four times, but i've seen the film from the point where they meet him to the end about ten times. to correct this balance, i would need to sit down and watch the first half hour four times in succession in order to make peace with my film-loving side.

    buncha people at our church laid a guilt trip on me since i made our video guy edit out my clip of answering the interview question they asked for reformation. he somehow thought my segment was the best. so everyone was pissed that i made him scrap it. wtf? i mean, shit. i can't help it that i am so hopelessly insecure that i can't stand to see myself projected or hear my own voice recorded. i come off sounding like some high pitched geeky tool. exactly the image i am trying to destroy. i keep trying to escape that which i am but it's proving to be a fruitless war.

    in the middle of the sr high youth breakfast fundraiser, heather and her sister melissa randomely showed up. they were up from so cal taking care of their nephews while their cousins took a holiday for a few days. talk about really wierd. and it was funny too, i was sitting there thinking about how love is a farce and doesn't exist, and then a girl i used to feel real strongly about just shows up. freaky. oh well, i always get the feeling she wants nothing to do with me in a romantic way, and in a platonic way she even keeps her distance then as well. maybe i'm just cursed when it comes to girls. i don't expect to really have any luck at dating ever.

    it's not that i don't have confidence. hell, thomas andrews had confidence that he made a nearly unsinkable ship. just because you have confidence doesn't guarantee you any success.

    we were supposed to go into the city this afternoon but everyone was too tired, so i just said fuck it and slept for three hours. woke up feeling even worse in my back. i can't sleep on my stomach anymore; the pain in my back is just too much to bare, despite the fact that i naturally roll over in my sleep at will regardless. add that to the list of shit that just doesn't work towards me in a positive way.

    like the fact that battery operated devices seem to fail when around me. my cell phone charge lasts for about one or two calls, and then is dead; my garage door opener fails to work despite having put three different brand new batteries in it. it never works only when i'm the one using it. the rest of my family seem to have no issue with making it operate the way it's supposed to, so it's not that the unit is faulty or deprogrammed. it just hates me. then my razor dying on the freeway, prompting me to utter a large degree of obscenities until a cop scared the piss outta me.

    this is strange, i feel very much in a beatles mood. i od'd on them during the first few years of high school, after which i couldn't stand to listen to the fab four for several years. recently i've regained my fandom. i've been kinda slack about uploading all of my beatles cd's to the iPod, because, again, laziness strikes me. much like a lot of the things i want to do in life, i can't seem to overcome my apathy to really give a modest fuck.

    there have been anti-war protests in sf again. which, at this point to be quite openly honest, are pointless. you want our troops back now??? we're fucking committed to the task now. what, we just pull up stakes after we decimate iraq and leave the poor citizens to pull themselves out from under the rubble?

    "hey uh, sorry about carpet bombing you back to beyond the stone age..... by the way, about the mess.... yeah.... good luck with that and all...."

    protesting is a worthless waste of time. the only actual affect it has on society at this point is congesting major traffic arteries to the point of homicidal pandamonium. yum.

    work tomorrow. might watch fight club *finally* if the boss actually leaves before i do. lately, i've been wondering why they even call me in on the slow nights because it seems like since he's there until practically the end of my shift as well, he might as well take care of it all himself. although, if that were to happen, i suppose i wouldn't get any money.

    thank heaven for small miracles.

  • 10.25.2003

    run him down, underground, to a diver bar, in a western town 

    bubba ho-tep is teh bestest film i've seen in the last few months. damn. go see it right now.

    right now.

    no!! NOW!

    damn.. i think everyone is because there is almost *nobody* online right now. crap. what am i to do?

    despite it being in a jar, my baked apple candle is enhancing the room with it's pleasing aroma. this is good, considering that my room is usually infested with the odors of day old soda, and a mixture of sweating feet and silent but deadlies. it's not really that bad i don't think, because people don't seem to have a problem being in my room. besides, as i said, the candle is pretty much taking care of the worst of it.

    impatience got the better of me and i did in fact end up installing the new geforce. even though the agp slot in my current mobo is only 2x, the performance difference is unbelievable. i ran max payne 2 at the highest settings it would allow me to, and the result was quite incredible. night and day difference between running it on my geforce2 and the new geforce4 card. oh man. i'm facing a world of graphically delightful possibilities.

    got about an hour and half before i hafta leave for work. ugh. not being at work for a week or so and then going back to work after the lapse is very disorienting. i hate this y0-y0 action that keeps happening. i really need to find something else to do. this will not fly.

    there are a couple of projects that are tugging at me that i really want to try. the first idea is i want to build a full-working replica of a steam locomotive at g scale. having a scale model of a steam locomotive that actually works like it's bigger predcesor would be only too cool.

    other idea is to build a scale model of a `59 cadillac eldorado with a full functioning gasoline engine. remote controlled, of course. both of these projects would be ridiculously complicated and involve much more work than i would normally care to dedicate to pretty much anything, but the challenge of whether or not it can be done at the scales i am imagining has been intriguing me and calling to me. we'll hafta see.

    did some updated reading on chernobyl. the sarcophagus around the destroyed reactor is threatening to collapse and bring down the structures of the other three reactors, spewing all their wonderfully vile contents all up on the atmosphere. really, haven't the people of belarus suffered enough? talk about being in the wrong place, period. downwind of a nuclear fountain.

    (technically, the powerplant is located in the ukraine, but about 70% of the initial radiocative debris rained down on belarus, causing massively grotesque genetic mutations and abnormalities in births even ten years after the initial accident)

    how sad. in just three days, i have become more than hopelessly addicted to the series "i love the 80's" on vh1. michael ian black needs to get the beat down, but at the same time, the guy is damn cool. all of the people on there are for the most part funny, and juliiette lewis is still hot.

    geh. i suppose i should figure out something to eat before i go to increase my income by eight hours.

    and, the civilized world does not need a head bust of norm mcdonald sculpted out of cheese.

    really, it's just.... not necessary.

  • 10.24.2003

    happy happy joy joy 

    as i was stealing a strawberry from the fridge this morn, i looked out the kitchen window and low and behold a fedex truck was just leaving.

    sitting outside the front door was my new geforce card.


    gonna install it tonight when nathan comes over and try out all the games i have at the highest graphic settings.


    more later....

  • whoops, no post for thursday - eight days a week 

    craig really dug the graphic novel; he thinks i should do more of them, or continue them somehow.

    see, what i would really want to do is animate and narrate that particular sequence and make an avi out of it. course, that's way too much work than i would care to ever get involved with, but doncha think that would be really really bitching??? i mean? fuh????

    nick hasn't been saying a whole lot lately. the whole job market thing is getting him down, i think. everyone think happy thoughts and hope that he gets some kickass totally whack job really soon. :-)

    got the fedex tracking number for my video card. yay! only took it four hours to get from la to oakland. now all i have to do is wait FOUR DAYS since i didn't pay for two day rush delivery (which, ironically isn't even guaranteed to be two day despite costing a ridiculous amount of money) and they'll just let it sit there until the 27th when they send it out my way. half hour away. i could drive to their warehouse, and pick it up quicker than that. fuck.

    two people, neither of whom are me, won the 99 million dollars in the lotto last night. damnit. i was already planning the places i wanted to live. man, i'm totally fucked. the only way i can make a decent struggle towards succes in my life is either winning the lotto or having a rich relative die, which is about ten thousand times less likely than winning the lotto. fuck. i could go to college, but by the time i get done i'll be about 30 and all the shit i'll want will cost so much i won't ever get my giant marble floored mansions and classic collector's cars.

    i found erin on friendster. it's just a matter of time before she rejects my request to add her to my circle of friends, placing the final nail in the coffin that is my lovelife. oh wait. i have no lovelife.

    hooray! nothing lost!

    seriously, i have no clue what the fuck to do right now. couldn't my family have been like super totally filthy stinking rich and just made me a rotten spoiled child? i have only a few basic needs in life. these include supremely fancy cars, gargantuan houses, and hot loose women. is that really so hard a thing to grant me? i ask you, really?

    however, i DO have a kick-ass video card waiting for me in a warehouse for the next four days. not like i really need it right away; i won't even be using it until i begin to build my penultimate computer. being that this won't be done for another five months, why kid myself? i already installed the new 120gb hd and dvd+r into this computer; chances are i'll place the new geforce into this tower as well. there is still some decent amount of life left in this sexy gal once you get past the fact that every now and then, the ball bearings in the cooling fans begin emulating the sweet harmonies of a cat choking on it's own fur.

    got work on sat, which means i may as well watch fight club again. hopefully it won't be busy and i can just kick back and throw in the dvd with little interruption. last sat i was gonna do that, but ended up getting locked in an endless battle with solataire.exe, taxing all of my cunning and resources to the brink of my knowledge and skill. that and listened to hall & oates.

    i work mon-wed of next week. fuck. i think my employers get off on thinking they have ultimate power over me, like they can bend me every which way and laugh at my pitiful little existence. sad thing is, they are sort of right. seeing as how society is so caught up on assanine concepts like "paying bills" and "keeping debtors from breaking your limbs," i have no choice but to go along with the horrendously vile anal rapage they seem so lax to dish out.

    yet, they keep my will sufficiently crushed by offering me only just enough hours to pay off the most important of living expenses, such as the car payment and cell phone (which, really doesn't make any sense. i don't know hardly ANYBODY, therefore there is almost no one to call me to warrant having a cell phone) and leaving little to nothing remaining to shell out friviously on hopelessly needless crap. or put into savings, but what kind of tool does that? (there was sarcasm somewhere in that sentence. try to find it and you get a special prize!)

    i'm being shit on. that's it. shit on. and you know what the worst part is?

    wait, where you going?!

    ok, hey i'm sorry. i've just got to figure some things out. i'll make it all better, i promise.


    *thumbs up*

  • 10.22.2003

    (fuck, the internet is being a bitch and not giving me the chords to the max payne theme) 


    alas!! a week after i promise it... here we go

    dante: the search for max payne 2

    chapter one: rude awakenings

    chapter two: i'm gonna hafta ask ya to leave the store

    chapter three: revelations

    chapter four: like a bat out of hell

    chapter five: isolation

    hope you all enjoy. if i get a good response, i may do more meaningless graphic novelizations...

  • what a fool believes 

    damn... had some more funky dreams.

    mayhaps if you're nice, i'll tell you them. later. :-P

    or not.

    i need to get the ball rolling on sending my resume out. i'm prolly looking at hitting a giant brick wall, seeing as how there are few jobs in this area to be found right now.

    if anyone who reads this (which is a very small number of people) know of any jobs that have 9-5 mon-fri hours, involve desktop publishing or graphic art, and pays reasonably well (see: more than ten dollars), lemme know.

    or i could just continue working on my experimental warp drive. chances are i'll be able to reach the speed of light before i actually find a decent job that i enjoy.

    project: i want to take a used sony wega tv that's busted, rip out and gut the tube, affix mirrors to the back of the tube, fill it with the right liquid, some wax, and convert the entire thing into the LAVA TELEVISION SET. i think that would be quite badass, but currently i'm thinking that the plastic parts of the set frame that come into contact with the glass tube will eventually melt from the heat. gotta figure out a way to keep it from transfering heat. my current solution would be to use a rubber like sealant around the areas where the glass and the plastic meet. hmm..

    this all hinges on me finding a busted wega. if you out there in blog reading land know of where i can get a non-working wega for extremely cheap (i.e., free), lemme know. you know where the e-mail link is. unless of course, the link is gone. in which case, i had nothing to do with it and you can forward your complaints to the good folks at blogger.

    got the machall poster up in a sweet spot. right next to my desk so i can see it everytime i'm online. craig is teh bestest.

    i'm just about done with the graphic novel piece! yay! it's quite awesome. i'm sure the few of you who see this will enjoy it.

    holy SHIT. california lottery is up to 99 million tonight. pray that my birthday purchased lotto ticket has the winning number......

    in the meantime, gotta go mail off the rebate for my dvd+r drive and whore my resume to every company on the penninsula.

    we now bring you this commercial interruption.

  • 10.21.2003

    i never thought this could happen, i never thought i could feel this way 

    160 us dollars later, and i now have a geforce ti 4800!!!!!

    hold me, i may faint.

    it should get here in a few days time. most likely at the start of next week or something. but even still, how spoogetastic?

    the lava lamp is currently.... lava-ing. it is quite awesome.

    i'm working on a few written pieces that are taking some time to flesh out (see: me being a lazy fuck). they shall be posted soon (i know, i'm starting to sound like even more of a broken record by saying that). it's almost becomming my mantra.

    had some very strange dreams last night. one of them involved mary being my sister. which was quite awesome yet at the same time... very lame.

    also in that dream i noticed a picture of hitler on a bookshelf, and found out he's still alive in this year (in the dream) but never started the holocaust and is a benevolent ruler of parts of europe.

    this has convinced me to believe that dreams are more the afterimages of memories because i began explaining to my 'family' in the dream how hitler was a completely different person where i came from; how he had ruthelessly slaughtered millions of innocent people. my family seemed understandbly shocked by this. our house was this wierd apartment complex that seemed like it was inside a uhaul indoor storage hall. like apartments of the future or something.

    very strange.

    gotta start looking for another job because this one is beginning to play stupid mind games with me again and really, i'm getting way too immature to play along.

    ok. i'ma go now.


    no, really.



  • 10.20.2003

    from soho down to brighton, i musta played them all 

    major dream of note tonight; i saw erin again.

    margolis and i had built this wooden kayak and were trying it out at this indoor marina. we were on a walkway next to a giant black wall, and on the other side of the water was a fairly good sized sail boat moored up; beyond that were many other slips that smaller craft had been tied up at.

    the wood finish on the kayak was extremely smooth and vibrantly painted. the bottom half was painted red and the upper portion was painted in blue. the paint was about as smooth as that on a brand new steinway; ultra polished.

    the water look inviting so i dove into the water to swim about, and as i went back and forth in the room, erin happened to walk in and see me pop out of the water a few times. of course i saw her from the corner of my eye, yet played it slick and didn’t say anything to her. underwater it was a fairly big room and plenty deep to swim under and around all of the berths.

    she jumped in after me at one point and swam around trying to catch up to me. i decided to play some games and managed to stay ahead of her for quite a while before i got tired and finally surfaced one last time and crawled back aboard the slip. she followed, and as we started talking, i woke up.

    my birthday was a good day. for one day at least, i was happy. i’ll hafta remember this feeling when life starts to get me down again.

    i got a lava lamp from my bro. *beams*

  • 10.19.2003

    here i am again in this mean old town, and you're so far away from me 

    damn. i feel bad for not posting enough. well, i posted a big ol' long thing on fri so i think that leaves me off the hook for a few days.

    trust me tho, i am working on some more posting type stuff. got a nice long rant that i'm cooking up, as well as that graphic novel i am finishing up.

    expect great things.

    in one hour and ten minutes, it will be my twenty-fourth birthday. yay me.

    *makes a wish....*

  • 10.18.2003

    sixteen tons... whaddya get? another day older and a deeper in debt 




    i gotta go to work now. :-(

    more posts later.

  • 10.17.2003

    red lights flashin, time to retire, ya know we turned that liquor store into a structure fire 

    the latest barrage of dreams i have experienced has been nothing short of ultimately fascinating. recall beginning in five, four, three, two… oh just fuck the countdown and let’s get on with it.

    first one started off like most others. i was hanging out with some people, most noticeably in this dream with joshua jackson, katie holmes, and a few others. possibly vanderbeek may have been in the dream as well, but i seem to have lost that detail at this point. we’re hanging out in this little secluded park like area in the middle of a big futuristic city. the park is mostly all concrete with a few planters here and there that have some pretty depressing looking trees. at some point, this group of tough looking dudes walk past us, and joshua makes some offhanded remark to one of them. this pisses him off and he pulls out a gun, prompting the rest of his entourage to unveil their iron as well.

    knowing full well that it was my job to protect the people i was with, in slow motion i dove to the ground and fired at the first guy. he went down, while my group started to take cover and the other guys began firing. shooting blindly at each of them in the mayhem, i waited for points where they had to reload their weapons and began escorting my group away from the scene. in a cement walkway up above, another member of their team began firing down on us. kicking the door open to the building next to us, i tossed each of them inside and we began crawling through a dark wooden attic. we finally reached the far corner and i told them all to wait there while i made sure it was safe again.

    a quick peak outside revealed my fears; there were now more of them and their numbers were growing by the second. i had to act fast. i leapt from the door of the building onto the terrace below the one we were previously hanging out on. madly dashing through the alleyways of this city, i came upon a safe corner and rested for a moment. it was at this point that i felt a divine message; i had the right to remove all evil and i could tell the difference between good and evil people by merely looking at them, without all the telltale evidence of like a gun or handlebar mustache. like i could see their souls.

    also now i possessed the ability to fool evil people with my mind into thinking i belonged with them. this tool came in handy as i crawled up into one of their overhead lairs. they were all watching tv, as i came around the corner they never knew what was coming to them.

    next thing i know, i am taking a tour of a house decorated from a tv series. my brother was with me, as well as a few of his friends. we went from room to room, checking out different noteworthy spots and i came upon this room that had a lot of recording equipment in it. i walked up to the audio workstation and was furious to discover that they had several high-end digi audio boards set up in the room simply for show; they weren’t even really hooked up to anything. i began to feel bitter that they had all this expensive gear merely to create an illusion while i couldn’t afford most of the stuff to use for actual practical applications.

    leaving the room, it now became a gigantic old dorm hall for a college. in the center atrium sat a massive, decaying empty pool. the tile work was very ornate and extravagant; at one point the garden that it sat in must have been quite extraordinary. i was on the right side of a giant room; an old dusty baby grand piano sat off by the wall and decrepit worn out furniture littered the room on top of a battered rug.

    turning a corner where i heard some noise, i began to notice bits of money floating above the ground, glowing as it did so. i began collecting these pieces of money as one of our church pastors showed up, and began helping me in picking up all the money that we found. getting closer to the noise, we discovered that there was a giant mess hall on the other side of the building, where we entered and saw a large crowd of students going about eating their dinner. they seemed blissfully unaware of the money that lay strewn about in nearly every part of the room. quick haste was made by the pastor and i to collect it all before any of the students discovered. returning to the entrance of the room, we gathered a few more pieces of money that had coalesced in the time that we had made our sweep of the room, and the pastor’s daughter walked over towards us. she began saying how this “mental health” group wanted to take her through a program to help her get over the grief of her father dying (which was extremely strange, since her father happened to be standing next to me). we told her she should not go, and as she began to walk back into the shadows, i told her to not allow them to brainwash her; to keep herself who she is. she smiled, and was gone.

    stepping outside into the cool night air, the pastor and i began making our way through an unlit parking lot behind the building. there were a few old run-down cars in random parking spots, and a large dumpster off by the wall that was obscuring some of the light that was spilling around the corner of the building. making our way down the path through a fairly decent sized lawn, we came upon a modest newer looking house that the dean lived in on campus. he was currently eating his dinner as well; he let us in and listened to us describe the situation of finding all the money in the dorm hall, wondering if we could keep it. continuing to sit, he got very irate and warned us that the money was cursed and to leave it alone.

    as we left the dean’s house, the pastor had become nathan, and he asked the dean a few more questions about if he could stay in the cabin they had arranged for him for some extra nights; he had purchased some new skis and wanted to try them out on the runs before he left for town. it was at this point that there was now a thin layer of fresh snow covering the lawn. i got in my car, and drove off.

    entering the city, i turned off onto a freeway that was seemingly bare but for one car up ahead, which was driving in the center of the road and rather slowly from what i could determine. upon closing the gap between the other car and mine, i was able to see that there was a woman running up ahead of this vehicle; he was chasing her at a slow enough speed to give her cause to run away. getting angered and remembering my cop background (in the dream, that is. i’m not really a cop in real life nor never have been), i sped up alongside this guy’s car and pushed him off to the side of the roadway by the divider. this infuriated him, and he began weaving madly about on the road as i managed to secure a place in front of him and keep him back from the woman. as i dialed the police, she finally had an opportunity to leap off the road to a safe spot where the psychotic driver couldn’t reach her, at which point he rammed the back end of my car causing me to swerve and brake to a stop. he got out of his car, then leapt off the edge of the roadway to a grassy embankment down below and off to the side. a crowd of people began to gather as police units started arriving and the man eventually became cornered from up above. like a rat trapped in a basket.

    anxious and frightened, the man began shooting at the officers lining the roadway. as they began scattering to take cover, i removed a sniper rifle from the briefcase that had been in the car, and assembled it from behind a concrete divider. once finished, i popped up over the wall, targeted the man’s chest, and fired. he went down like a ragdoll. the police that were still near to the scene began moving towards the man, to check his body, when he began to prop himself up a bit and take aim at an officer. as he fired, killing that officer, i racked his body with several more shots and emptied the clip. he was dead.

    that is about all i can remember at this point. as soon as i woke up my thoughts were immediately beginning to scatter and i was losing the images of these dreams. the imagery in the dreams was much more powerful than this, and i know that i am not doing close to half of the whole dream any justice. perhaps once i invent the computer link to download neural content onto a hard drive……

    oh. yeah, so about the dream.

    i need to lay off the video games for a while.

  • 10.16.2003

    the dame in spain was slain by the rain 

    (note: i am actually working on the graphic novel images for this, but felt the need to post as to alert you to my goings-on. expect nothing but the best... it's just taking a bit....)

    like the rhythmic pounding of a tribal drum, the headache seized my mind as i stumbled wearily out of my bed.

    it didn’t take long for me to remember the task at hand. i had a job to do, and swiftness was a must.

    rows of cars stood dutifully in line like well-trained soldier ants, all of them heading to various points of interest. they couldn’t have been moving fast enough for me; i was sure that i would miss my window of opportunity.

    entering the store, i hastily made my way to the appropriate display rack. upon approaching the shelf however, to my horror i noticed a giant gaping hole where the desired target should have lain. the proprietor calmly explained that they were not receiving shipments until the 19th. i was crestfallen.

    i had to take action.

    not willing to lose sight of my objectivity, i quickly abandoned the anarchist carnage i had instigated and quickly retreated to home base to regroup and develop a new plan of action.

    a short jaunt on the web confirmed my suspicions; the game had in fact been released. there were copies out there to be had. as my luck would have it, the one place most feared of all video game suppliers managed to have enough copies to make jack lupino soil himself royally.

    abandoning all sense of safe driving tactics, i went on the offensive. the chp would have eaten me for breakfast.

    like rows and rows of firm breasts gracing the finest pole dancers in the seediest of las vegas strip joints, they sat there. staring back at me; cold and lifeless, like so many other software packages. i had to hold back the urge to burst forth in orgasmic joy.

    success at last. elated, i began the final plunge of removing myself from the whole of humanity; secluding myself in a dark shelter allowing my soul to be fully digested by this newly acquired digital cocaine.

    off in the distance, a dog was barking.

  • 10.15.2003

    sitting on the dock of a bay 


    i'm not neglecting you all, but i'm a slight bit occupied. next post should be nice and special....


    patience young padawan.

  • 10.14.2003

    lost and broken are the things we loved 


    oh... you *know* it's gonna be a good post with a smashing opener akin to that gem.

    :-P ;-)


    although, there has been a lot on my mind. that might be what is causing my awful sleeping patterns. the last couple nights or so, i have sat down on my couch at around midnight/one with everything still on; my monitor, my hub, the lights, and just passed out only to awaken at like 5a with everything still on, a few im's blinking quite angrly, and a few more hours taken off the life of my monitor. it's strange because all of a sudden this wave of exhuastion passes over me and floors me like an 18-wheeler.

    over the past two nights i have had a dizzying array of yet even more strange dreams. as of late, i have been stuck wandering in a blinding snowstorm in the middle of one of the polar caps; i have been driving a stunt car for a show; last night i was riding on a commuter rail with some film director who was down on his luck and in need of a cinematographer. all of them were quite strange visions.

    so, i'm guessing that richard didn't get to the hometown faire to shoot any pictures. which is fine, really. since i never asked him in the first place (that would be too psychotic), i didn't really expect anything until he said outright he was gonna go and take pictures. even still, i wasn't really expecting anything. but it seems like he's avoiding me lately, as he hasn't responded to my im's the last few days, and lately i just plain don't even see him online. course, that could mean he just hasn't been at his comp for several days.

    but it makes me wonder. in other situations (this rant isn't directed at you, richard) when people make statements and then some of the time back out of them, why do they hide away all sheepish? it's quite irritating when people do that; just grow a pair and say "look i didn't do what i told you i would do, and i don't need to give you any excuse as to why." that's all. that would make me feel so much better than just simply stone-walling me or leaving me to second guess.

    like how i haven't heard from several people in the last three months. they used to correspond with me every other week consistently for the past year, and then three months ago, it all ceased. several people at once. which leaves me to believe i somehow pissed them all off quite badly, but how? and why? after going back over all my previous e-mails to them i fail to find anything remotely upsetting in any of them. well, aside from the news that i wouldn't be attending college since i got rejected. so i am left here trying to figure out just what made all of them cancel all ties to me and go their own ways. and it just adds to the fact that this occurance from other newly made accquaintances typically isn't a rare one.

    cleaned and organized my room a bit. i normally don't always get done with monumental projects of this sort, since halfway through i get to the point in the pile where i find something that i have been looking for for a long time, and after that all the rest of the mess becomes a moot point and i go off and obsess about whatever it was i just found.

    i really cannot get over how quickly time has gone by in the last five years. makes me wonder just how quickly the rest of my life is gonna play out. a lot really has happened since we moved up here to nor cal. i can't even begin to describe it all but this huge jumbling mass of memories is floating about in my skull. it's difficult to distinguish any one particular node of time unless i really concentrate on it, but this only seems to threatenly undo several of the strings of thought that keep the bundle from unraveling and ending up as just one big neural catastrophe.

    alas. i must shower once again, and sample the fine cuisine that the good folks at pepsi co freeze dry and ship off to every local taco bell.

    *running for the border*

  • 10.13.2003

    lucky there's a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us laugh and cry 

    bloody hell. i got work in a short time. blast!

    i do say. i had literally a swarm of ideas and things to talk about, but now i am fraught with a lack of decent commentary. hang on. something is beeping incessantly.

    dad was cleaing out the caller id's on the phone. damn it's an annoying sound.

    one week until my birthday. what a mind job. i can't hardly believe that time is passing by at such a blinding rate of speed. why, just the other day i was fighting giant robotron beastoids from the far off galaxy of sploogalactia. how innocently did it start out, too.

    as my proto-shaft penetrated the chest cavity of some random alien, i could not help but remember these little round pills that i seemed to consume only a few moments prior, and under entirely diffeerent circumstances. hazily i managed to recall the interior of a dimly lit, dank smelling van; two hippies and a washed up porn star all sitting around a giant tower of some sort. there were flashy lights and strange harmonic tones piercing through the murky air. before i lost conciousness, i desired a large mass of doritos.

    i hate doritos.

    the other day i applied a highly tuned, exceptionally hot laser onto a reflective acrylic plate; sealing the fate of billions of miniature ones and zeros in an attempt to preserve photographic memorabilia for a great many centuries. i just hope it reaches craig in due time...

    later on as i was cleaning out my ears the cottony end of the q-tip managed to disconnect from the cardboard tube and become lodged near to my ear-drum; i had to procure a toothpick to remove the gangly demon.

    *looks around nervously*

    you ever have one of those revelations that strikes you blindside across the head like a giant frying pan. man, i just love those. they make me feel so wonderfully yummy inside. like my innards were composed of gum-gum drops and my skin was like cotton candy. the big giant carmel covered heart; the mushy jelly beans that make up my lungs. those awfully foul circus peanut candies comprise the bulk of my intestines.

    it would appear that my room is in desperate need of vacuuming. it'll hafta wait until tomorrow. i need to leave soon to partake in the reaping of spoils that employment brings.

    i don't want to depart my slippers.

  • 10.12.2003

    follow me into the desert as dusty as you are 

    forgot to mention that yesterday, we got back the camry! yay! she's all kinds of better now.

    quite utterly amazing how smooth the trunk is now. since it's basically a new trunk lid straight from toyota, the paint is fresh on her and her backend silky smooth.... *shudders*

    i like all my ladies to have a nice ass.

    so today is gonna be a long but fullfilling day. we have worship in the park which means we take our entire sound system and set it up outdoors at this rec center in the center of a park down the ways in san mateo, and conduct our service there. my drums are already packed and ready to go; the rest of the gear is in allan's van (who is up visiting us from so cal). we leave here slightly after 7a to go setup for a 10:30 service. does it really take three hours to get everything setup in a remote location?


    it does.

    i wonder what the readership of my blog is. i don't think too many people know about it; perhaps only maybe ten people total. that's what i know of. in my mind i would love to fantasize that there are literally tons of people who frequent my inane babblings; alas a pipe dream do i recognize this to be. someday maybe tho. after i have posted page after page of worthless annecdotes and pointless autobiographical musings, perhaps will i find the sort of notoriety and fame that i so desperately crave.

    during this time there will be scores of single chicks who read my blog, and force themselves to sleep all teary-eyed from not being able to be the special grrl in my life. well. whoever said they wouldn't be allowed to kick it with me in my room? i certainly am not keeping them from doing this. oh wait. this all has *yet* to happen.


    patience, thine self. climb the ladder... don rocco.....

    i'm gonna attempt to get a photo directory online at some point. for the few of you out there who do so religiously check my blog for recent updates, it might be of interest for you to see images. mayhaps not. we'll see.

    until then, i must go and accquire what few hours of sleep i can, despite not being tired in the slightest. sleeping in until noon really fucks up your whole biological sleeping rhythm...


  • 10.11.2003

    and we're sending our love down the well 

    last night? omg! totally fantastic. it started off when who should i run into down at the corner mart, but terrence stamp himself! damn, was that cool. dude was chopping off people's body parts and going all out with the gore. he wore this one poor chap's ass for a hat and began dancing around like a circus chimp.

    and then the midgets! oh man! how can i have forgotten the *midgets??*

    oh wait. that was my 3am fantasy.

    so i decided not to get the fans, but opted for the second volume of family guy. i think my obsession with that show has become deadly. to the point where, quite honestly..... *insert something ludicrusly tragic yet horrendously funny.* sigh. good times, good times.

    boston market was consumed by nathan and i. not the actual building, just the food they happen to prepare. and not all of it; just the portions that were included in our individual meals.

    right afterwards (well, after a u-turn and flipping off a geo) we stopped in at cold stone's for some frozen dairy products. that was quite good; the high school senior grrls sitting outside were quite delicious looking yet depressingly under-age; needless to say i was not responsible for soiling their undies.

    damn. i'm quite foul tonight. yeouch.

    watched matrix reloaded at nate's place last night. it was good. thank the lord that the good folks who comprised the dvd offered the ability to forgo being subjected to the train wreck that was the putridly awful rave/sex scene. "hey guys, i have an idea! how about we get the audience all pumped up with 15 minutes of kickass fight sequences and special effects, and then SLOW THE FUCKING FILM TO A CRAWL by having all the future humans have a flinstone rave while randomely cutting to keanu's pasty ass!". choice filmmaking. i'm sure silver prolly wet himself with delight over that barrage of insulting cinematic dribble.

    today was interesting as i finally went to bed at 4am with only one last remaining level in max payne before watching nina horne die horribly when her chopper careened down several hundred feet to the cold, unforgiving asphalt of new york. it wasn't until noon that i finally actually drug my sorry ass out of bed and began watching more family guy. i think i've averaged about a season every four nights or so.

    one to three i was consumed with a fairly intense "staring into space" session upon which i successfully managed to avoid all concious manner of thought. eventually the unsightly odors of an unbathed self compelled me to engage in standing under a stream of boiling hot water whilst the steam cleared my sinus cavities.

    whoops. dinner time. i suppose the rest of this can wait until another time. until then, hold your hand right...... there.

    damnit! you moved!

  • 10.10.2003

    it's party time, excellent 

    ah man. my new uber system is gonna take like about FOUR MONTHS to get completed. i make just enough money that i can buy one component each paycheck.


    so craig is gone for a week or so. i am bummed; i have few people to chat online with as a result.

    hm... i seem to be dropping vowels at random from words. i hate when i do that; start thinking to fast and typing all poorly. perhaps i shouldn't do that, huh?

    went to see the blue angels practicing for fleet week tomorrow. funny, fleet week only takes place over a "weekend." apparently the navy is unfamiliar with the concept of a week consisting of 7 days, not just 'two.'

    i got really hyper last night on account of the near full moon, and as a result became a little nuts at rehearsal last night. funny shit was i was actually able to pull off all the strange things i wanted to without making myself screw up. makes me wonder...

    i been bad this week. haven't really updated my blog all like usual. been sporatic. this would be a result of my being a bit too depressed to actually give a fuck about writing. that and on monday, i ranted an incredibly long piece and haven't really felt the need to post more substantial follow ups for now.

    lots of hot grrls up in the city today. none of them let me in their pants.

    no big surprise.

    nate and i are grabbing dinner tonight and running by fry's. of course, now that i am seriously debating replacing my cpu fans, they are being totally silent. quite the opposite was true earlier this morning, when the sound of ball bearing metal-grinding-on-metal awoke me from a pleasant slumber at 5a and ended up keeping me in a quasi-concious state until i finally drug my lazy ass out of bed at 10:30 or so. so i'm not sure if i should replace them now, or what. since they are silent i am inclined to save the 8 bucks and not bother, but a small part of me (the cynically pessimistic asshole part) knows deep down inside that come 6 in the morning sat, these old fans will just start reducing themselves to metal/plastic shavings all over my heatsink.

    actually the bigger fear is that the fans will simply die, my cpu overheats, and the resulting action completely destroys my mobo and every component attached. if that happens, i will seek out a very sharp axe. there will be blood.

    i have decided that in the next year or so, i want to go on a cruise. the matter of where in the fuck i will actually secure the finances to afford this extravagent leisure, i have yet to contemplate. rest assured; my ass will be setting sail for some bahama summer action. but with my luck, i get the one ship that suffers a mass disentary outbreak, or strikes a coral reef and sinks with all poor souls trapped aboard. if that happened, i would think i am of the will enough to find an attractive young woman (yeah right; cruises are dominated by dying senior citizens), enjoy her sexuality to the fullest, and then leap from the top of the engines into the giant cylinders to be mashed into fine slivers of flesh. hmm. damn that would be quite the tale to recount in pergatory...

    in the aftermath of raping my wallet to get myself a dvd burner, i have proven the quintessential american philosphy of "buy it because i don't really need it" having only burned one such dvd thus far. perhaps in time i will actually have enough content video wise to compose a dvd-v and pass it on to all my friends; in the interim it's pretty damn fucking awesome to look at and makes me feel better than 90% of people out there. the 90% of people who don't get laid, that is.

    i could always back up my *ahem* collection, but even that only occupys roughly 100 megs of my drive. not even a fraction of a cd's worth. man i suck.

    i'm thinking a backup/image of my win2k drive might be good. hmm, yes. perhaps i will do that. i dunno if win2k will allow me to do that; i may have to boot from 98 or install another os on here in order to succeed. this is sounding like way too much work for a lazy fuck such as myself. forget i even suggested it.

    well, i perhaps should go wizz before nate arrives and we go off to window shop all the expensive tech shit we can't afford yet would kill to accquire.

    that's dolomite, baby!

  • 10.08.2003

    i'd buy you a fir coat (but not a real fir coat that's cruel) 

    so i gotta blog this time for craig since he's decided to be an ass and leave me with nobody to talk to for the next week and half.

    whew! where to start?

    how bout i go watch my pre-release LEGAL copy of matrix reloaded first. i've only been skimming over some of the chapters and the behind the scenes featurettes.

    back in a bit. caio.

    oh yeah. and uh, have a great trip there craig.



  • 10.06.2003

    talkin bout my generation 


    for the love of GOD.

    just as we've *finally* been rid of that awfully rank odor from under the house with the leaky drain pipes, no sooner does a skunk decided to die under the house right next to the fucking heater. we all woke up to the pleasant aroma of roasted skunk at 5 this morning.

    i think it's the skunk that i nailed with my car a year and half ago come back to haunt me. it certainly has the right consistency of "burned" smell to it. fucking a.

    it's reasons like these that make me wonder if i'm being royally punished for something. i know that this kinda shit "just happens," but either i just have had really horrible luck this last half year, or something is up. this can't be just some random coincidence. and i'm more inclined to believe the religiously toned explanation because in the past six months, it seems to me like God has just given up on me. like he's pissed at me or something. i still know that he is there, and i believe that he forgives people, but somehow i think the rules no longer apply to me. i don't feel cleansed or forgiven. i feel abandoned.

    take the whole school issue. this past year, for those of you not savy, when walking through the lobby of the church one day in late january i came across a poster advertising music scholarships for pacific lutheran university. being that i had just recently visited kirsten and jakob at plu, i found this to be an extremely pleasant surprise. so i grabbed one of the cards and proceeded to go home (since service was over).

    when i got home, this voice inside me said "fill it out now or you never will." so, being that that suggestion made perfectly logical sense, i filled it out. then i put it on the desk. that's when the same voice again said "mail it off now or you never will." again, listening to reason, i actually got out of my room, and went to the post office *that* minute to mail it off. a week later i got more substantial forms to fill out, and the slip giving instructions for how to either audition in person, or to send in a tape. i got all kinds of excited until i noticed that the due date for the audition material was the next day. being that it was already after the time for mail pickup on that day, i figured there was no way i could get a submission in to them on time so i allowed myself to let it be. it wasn't yet enough of a vested interest at that point to meret feeling too bad about not making it in time. until the next week when i got a call from the head of the music department requesting that i send in a tape regardless of the due date having past.

    estatic, i then believed that this was a significant sign from God as to what i should do. i filled out the forms, assembled a rather decent cd of my drum work, and sent it in. a short amount of time passed and i received correspondence from the head of the music department saying he was quite impressed with my audition and though it was past the deadline, they would see what they could do about getting me some scholarship moneys.

    i should prolly at this point say that up until that period in time, i had never had any kind of desire to attend any institution of education for a long time. i had been fed up with high school after i left it four years ago and felt that college would only be more hell, only this time it would be coming out of my pocketbook as well. so for a college to be enthusiastic about me attending, i was more than elated.

    everyone i knew who was familiar with plu or had gone there themselves said i was a shoe-in. that there was no doubt i would be attending plu in the fall. i was trying not to get a swelled head about the whole thing, after all i still had to take the sat test (i never took it in high school) and wait for their word. i was approaching the whole thing with cautious optimism. there was always this voice in the back of my head saying "don't let it get to you" to keep me from blowing the whole opportunity. that was the voice i listened to.

    time passed, and i took the sat. despite studying for the math portion, i scored just under what plu accepts from students in mathematics, but in language/english i scored above 85% of students who are admitted. again, everyone told me not to worry, that plu was one of those schools that is willing to work a bit with your sat score to help get you in anyways. besides, everyone said that for a music degree, my math score would probably be ok.

    i was, needless to say, not that student that they continued to pull strings for. i got a rejection letter two and a half months after getting my sat scores back. the extended length of time between the two events made me feel like maybe i did have a shot, since maybe they were figuring out how to work with my grades and develop a plan to allow me to attend. not the case.

    that whole period of time was completely wasted. i shouldn't have ever filled out that damned form in the first place. all it did was give me false hope in something that i couldn't believe in; myself. it taught me absolutely nothing positive. there was no point to the entire sequence of events. since this wasn't even a part of my plan, and had been always suggested by devine interventions, i thought for sure this was the plan that God wanted me to follow. people say that when God closes a door, he opens a window. that has yet to happen. i'm afraid it will never happen. i made that attempt to commit my life to living God's plan for me, rather than my own, and it dissolved into just a chaoticly, deppressingly hurtful situation.

    hence why i now believe that God hates me or just doesn't give a shit about me anymore.

    now i just fear that my life will be full of nothing. i don't care to go to community college, because none of the jc's around here have any decent music programs. the only desire i had for school was the one opportunity that i got a slight glimmer at. i don't care to do any junior college because that's not what my educational life was supposed to be.

    hopefully that explains to those of you less familiar with the whole situation. i haven't necessarily given up on my life, i've just relinquished control to God. who at the moment seems to not have anything planned for me or care about what happens with my life. sometimes i just have to wonder if perhaps i'm not supposed to be alive and that at some point in the near future, natural selection will go to work and eliminate me from the whole scheme of things. lord knows that i've almost been killed too many times to count. maybe i should stop stepping out of it's way the next time my existence is threatened and just let it happen. too bad my survival instincts have a will of their own.

    yesterday was todd's birthday. i would have liked to have been down in so cal, but ya know. again, everything is conspiring against me. i wanted to be down in so cal this weekend to go to the hometown faire, to see people i haven't for a long time. and though i had enough money for this to go by car, it just simply wasn't meant to be. work schedules (despite my requesting the time off), and lack of vehicle to travel down there prevented me yet again. i don't truly think anybody understands how enraged i am over not being able to go on this trip. i've wanted to go back there every year for the past five damn years now, and everytime there has been something that's kept me from going. all i wanted was to go and see what few friends i did have in high school and enjoy a weekend for once. everyone passes it off like "oh it's no big deal you couldn't go there." well, yeah it is a big deal. this was the one year where it looked like i might actually get to go. when it was determined i couldn't go, that's about the time i just lost it as far as holding back the anger and the bitterness. i haven't expressed it physically or brought it out on anybody, save for extremely small outbursts where i shoot my mouth off or act like an asshole without thinking. these represent just a small portion of the putrid storm of rotten emotion that dwells inside of me. i'm no longer really depressed. i'm just pissed off.

    like the time a few weeks ago when i spilled cranberry juice all over my desk and almost lost BOTH of my computers, my stereo, and scanner. had that happened, i prolly would have killed myself since the only things i enjoy now are using my computers. without those, i have no reason to be alive since God has made it painfully clear that he has absolutely no plan in mind for me and may even be hoping i just die or something when nobody notices. i've already lost my passion for everything else in my life, losing my computers would be like taking a writer's hands and lopping them off at the wrists. what good else is that person now? none at all. i exploded when that drink spilled. and thing was, all i did was reach for the damned glass. it wasn't as if i was doing something that knocked it over, it was just plain clumsiness that almost cost me a few grand in destroyed computer equipment. part of the reason i still believe that God exists is that for a brief moment, he took pity on me and spared my computers knowing that i would have been devestated beyond reproach at having lost them. thank heaven for small miracles, i guess.

    i've also been praying that i meet a nice grrl that i could have a relationship with for the past four years and nothing. i haven't had anything. yet a friend prayed for a grrlfried for a fucking week, and ended up meeting a grrl that he's now deeply in love with, and her with him. what the fuck??? should i even bother with praying anymore? the only answer i've been given is "no." four fucking years damnit. what is up with that? the religious side of me keeps saying "it just isn't your time and to wait," but the other side of me is getting more and more impatient and beginning to think that there is nobody out there for me. when wil it be my time? will i end up like the losers who finally meet the significant other of their dreams only to die a few days/weeks later? or the significant other dies? what kind of future is that? why should i bother even putting the effort into loving somebody for a week if all that's gonna happen is i or they get killed in some meaningless manner? it's not better to have loved and lost. why would it be? i would just end up feeling more bitter that the love i had was taken from me.

    as far as the hometown faire is concerned, there's always next year. see, if i was the same sappy loser from a few months ago, i would actually believe that there was a possibility i could go down there next year. yet i now realize that no matter how far in advance i plan this trip, it's just simply not going to ever happen. i should give up wanting the things that i do. i'm trying not to sound so deppressing here, but come on. the majority of what i have wanted in the past year i have failed to be able to get. since my way always seemed to fail, i figured then to follow God's path and see where that brought me. the same, horrible place. nowhere.

    in high school, i used to have a quote taped to my wall that read "i would rather attempt something grand and fail, than to attempt nothing at all and succeed." for a long time it was my motto.

    so ammended: i would rather not attempt anything at all because everything grand i have ever attempted *has* failed miserably and i'm now far too emotionally battered to give a shit about failing once again. it's better to succeed at nothing then to constantly be reminded that you will always fail in all that you do.

  • 10.04.2003

    are you reeling in the years? 

    like the soliders at iwo jima who so valiantly raised the american flag in triumph and victory, so i rejoice in my having made it through this last week. i promised myself earlier this week that were i to survive in a somewhat sane manner, i would treat myself to a filet mignon and cake at max's. damn was that meal heavenly.

    and as if a fancy steak dinner wasn't enough of a capitalist indulgence, i went with nate to fry's and ended up buying a new sony dvd burner.


    so far, i've managed to fit all the television ep's i ripped from my video cassette collection (off the tv) onto one dvd. mind you, they won't play in a stand-alone player being that they were heavily compressed, but still damn that's cool. i had about 4.6 gigs worth and they managed to fit onto one 4.7 gig disc. righteous. i finally have the ability to perform severly large backups of all my data. of course, we all know that i'm a lazy fuck who won't do that until it's too late, after some horrendous virus reduces my sys registry into nothing more than ascii gibberish. hmm...

    i didn't blog yesterday for fairly good reasons. after returning home from work on thurs night at 8, i promptly collapsed in an exhaustive wreck upon my couch, not waking up until about noon on friday. after suffering a rather gruesomely cold shower, i consumed some family guy episodes, and then mostly sat online idly chatting with craig until 5 when nate and i headed off to dinner and to grab my latest comp hardware. i was really tempted to pick up a 250 gig drive for 170 bucks which is the current deal, but instead went with the dvd burner since i'll wait a bit on the new harddrive for the new system. i don't want to partition a new drive only to have to completely change it again once i install it into another box. we didn't spend too much time at frys. well, it was a spell since i became greatly conflicted over whether i should buy the higher priced sony drive, or the lesser priced memorex drive. since i'm a sony bitch and because i'm not familiar with memorex's reputation as a drive manufacturer (only used their media) i felt it prudent to go with the people i trust. er.... the people who rip me a new one and call me "slut." same difference.

    also saw the antec sonata case. that case will be mine OH YES, that case will be mine.

    i woulda bought myself some ram yesterday as well but crucial doesn't seem to be carrying the 1gb sticks of 3200 right now. since i *only* have 4 slots, i want to maximize my memory potential to it's fullest by not sacrificing space. eventually, it would be quite bitching to have 4gb of memory to let photoshop splash around in. i could finally work on those bigass adobe filmstrip projects i have in mind. even though i have 640 megs as we speak, it's only PC133 which is quite adequate for this particular machine. however, when you are dealing with a 300 meg image file, and photoshop likes to create enough swap space for two versions of that image plus whatever filters you run, you start getting into situations where your memory simply slits it's pegs and cries like a little bitch for you to let it die.

    after returning back from fry's, i promptly installed the new drive and ran some test burns with it. much coolness ensued. nate hung out while we updated dad's system with all the latest xp patches (heh, like they really fix anything), and we watched some family guy.

    then, as if 2am wasn't late enough to be still awake at, i sat down and played through a chapter and half of max payne until 4:30 when i finally felt sleep take it's ruthless hold upon my fragile consumeristic self. since i had pretty much slept for 14 hours the previous night, i mistakenly thought that i could withstand staying awake for a much longer time; this of course was not so. i woke up at 10:30 this morning. i felt like shit. this wasn't aided by the fact that i sat around doing pretty much nothing until about 2. hung out with renee for lunch today. i imagine she wanted something really healthy, but instead we settled for quiznos since she has yet to have a good experience at a quiznos and the one by my house is quite reputable in their service and quality. she ended up happy, and then introduced me to this brand of chocolate over at mollie stone's. i feel so trendy and hip. i got all the social buzz places to hang out. :-)

    ma and pa get in around ten tonight, and i really should be cleaning the house right now but i feel this apathetic aversion to doing so. i'll prolly get to it about half hour before i need to go pick them up at the airport. we'll see. i also need to run by costco tonight to buy new sandals since mom wanted me to ditch the hopelessly vile smelling plastic remains that *used* to be sandals. i'll prolly go and buy them tomorrow. but i gotta ditch my old sandal remains tonight. i think i'll yell out "oh yeah, bitch?! well i'll KILL YOU if i WANT TO!!!" and then pop a really big sheet of bubble wrap all at once (if you throw a heavy box on those things, you get a pretty well timed overall *bang*) and then wait until it gets dark out, and then sneak into the back yard with a shovel and flashlight, and begin loudly digging a grave. i wonder if people even give a shit if you do that anymore. who knows? things ain't the way they used to be.

    the other night as i was setting one of the rooms at work, i began thinking back to my 21st birthday. good lord i'm almost 24 and it's quite a frightening prospect. at least in another year i get a slight discount on my car insurance. that is, if i live to BE 25. but my 21st birthday was interesting.

    *doo-da-loo doo-da-loo doo-da-loo* <------- (flashback music)

    we went and had dinner at outback. back then i hadn't yet tried filet mignon enough to be a fan; i was strictly a top sirloin guy. luckily we had gone pretty early on the evening and been seated fairly quickly. it was a good dinner. i don't recall eric being there. hmm. i wonder where he was at? go figure. anyways. after dinner we went next door to the apple vendor (apple's headquarters is literally across the street from outback in cupertino) and checked out all the latest gadgets. paul then picked me up later from home and we headed to this club in the santa cruz mountains where a friend of his from work was playing conga in a band. the place was pretty crowded, it being a friday night and all. it was pretty exciting having a chance to flash my id and have people recognize that yes, i now was legally allowed to consume enough alcohol to pass out and choke on my own vomit. needless to say, i didn't do that.

    the music was cool, paul and i drank a whole bunch, and of course; there were grrls. it would have been much cooler had the chick i bought a drink for not turned out to be a rug muncher who later got busy with her best friend on the dance floor. while the spectacle was quite awesome, it did suck to not be in on the action. man. i was a virgin loser back then, and i'm a virgin loser now. how lame is that? nothing has changed in the last three years. gay.

    and yet, when i look back on that time, i recall myself being a lot happier. i dunno why. i was pretty much in the same stage of depression that i am now; only there seems to be these nostalgic qualities to that whole time. that was also the weekend that andy, karen, and rob showed up on sat to go out drinking with me that night.

    wait. hold the train for a sec here.

    they were here the weekend *afterwards* because we went drinking on the friday night at the pub in san carlos. sat morn at around 3:30, we decided to walk back from paul's house since all of us were too tanked to operate a vehicle and none of us had cash for a taxi. this seemed like a good idea since by car paul's place was only five to ten minutes distance from where i used to live. however, at 4 in the morning when sloshed like a high school cheerleader, four miles takes a hella long time to traverse. halfway home we began deeply resenting our decision to walk the way, but it was livened considerably when rob decided to piss off the overpass and nailed an airport shuttle van on the windshield as it passed.

    a block later we came upon some street cones and in our greatly inebriated state of being, found it extremely hilarious to alter the traffic cones from the construction site so that eventually the two lane road disappeared into no lane at all. thoroughly pleased with ourselves, we proceeded to bitch all the rest of the way home and finally passed out. well, first we all drink a shitload of water to ensure that we didn't dehydrate and die in our sleep.

    sat night was a halloween party up in the city with some other friend's of paul's. the rest of the gang were too tired to join us, so me donning a pimp outfit and paul pulling off an award winning backass southern hick, drove up to the party. it was a few blocks from the castro, which paul and i managed to skillfully avoid on such a sinful eve. the party was cool, much liqour to be had. there was a grrl there too, although she only arrived just as we were leaving. she was totally blitzed but gave me a hug and laughed happily at my costume. she thought it was really cool and told me i could be her pimp anytime. i really, really shoulda gotten her number.

    the next day was a youth group halloween party at our house. since rob, karen and andy were staying with us until monday morning, after church we stopped off at a local costume shop, upon where rob donned the now infamous elvis/asian glasses, a large black wig, and started going around to everyone in the store asking if they wanted some "flied lice."

    good times.

    ok. enough blogging there. seriously, i gotta get the house cleaned up and i'm feeling all rotten in the gut. i've been busting some totally vicious smelling ass and my intestinal tract feels aflame. i imagine it has to do with the fact that close to nineteen hours passed between the time i had dinner on fri night and when i had lunch today.

    i'll be back when the house is clean, and i no longer feel as if i'm gonna shit fire.

  • 10.02.2003

    they're coming to take me away, haha 


    i am tired.

    that is all.

    oh and today is richard's b-day. wish him a happy 23 years.

    (he threatened to castrate me if i didn't mention his b-day today)

    (just kidding, he didn't really do that)

    (i'm just thinking of castration since my bits and pieces seem to be doing me or fine ladies little to no good right now)

    did i mention i was tired?

    and that day was the happiest in the little bear's life. until a man shot him, and he and the man were eaten by a wolf. the wolf had rabbis. the man had ghonnareaha.


  • 10.01.2003

    heaven send hell away, no one sings like you anymore 

    how positively lame. i just spent several moments trying to determine if that's how "sing" is spelled. normally, my mind would be in a much better state of spelling, however, working for thirteen hours straight while doing manual labor is extremely taxing upon a person.

    *broken record mode on*

    i really, really, really fucking hate this crapass job.

    today i was scheduled to work until 7pm. however, the boss neglected to realize earlier in the week that the labor force required for tonight was significantly more than what was planned for. henceforth, i was able to finally leave at a little after midnight. this wouldn't be so bad, were it not for the fact that tomorrow, i am working 1pm until midnight or possibly even later, and then scheduled to work at 7am the very next day. i have doubts as to my ability to even wake the fuck up on thurs morn. this shall be intriguing.

    it was also brought to my attention today that instead of the group on thursday ending at 4pm as originally planned, the group that i will be working with from 7am on has decided to end at 7pm. meaning, after 12 hours of work, i face at least another four hours time having to strike all the shit (regardless of the size of the labor crew we have helping break down the show).

    this is all topped off by the wonderful fact that the company has decided that it doesn't really like paying overtime (time and a half) after 8 hours of normal labor, so they have now (legally too) changed their policy so that employees only receive overtime pay *after* you work the original forty hours a week you are scheduled. in this way, they get their cake and eat it too, and hand you your brutally violated rectum with a big fat smile.

    *broken record mode off*

    needless to say, there may not be posts for the next few days. there won't really be much of anything to actually post in that time anyways. i'll just be so exhausted from the hellfire i'm about to enter that i won't even feel like bothering to write down anything.

    ya know what bugs me too?

    *broken record mode back on*

    if i had a chick to snuggle up with for the meager amount of free time i do have, i would be much more accepting of this situation. but no. i am all alone. cold and broken. there is nobody here to say that they love me or care about me. there is nobody to make me feel wanted or needed. far as i know, i could spontaneously combust right this second and hardly anyone would notice at all or give a shit. oh wait. work would call up, bitching at my not being there. great. i feel so used.

    there are little snippets of pleasant moments or happiness every now and again in my life, which at this point i have determined only serve to further illustrate the point "see how much better your life could have been had you not been a dumb little shit and fucked up everything?" they are really more teases for "what might have been" than actual highlights to this horrible torture round.

    i must have really fucked up in a past life, because i sure the fuck am being punished for it now. jokes over. just kill me on the way to work or something. i get the fucking point. i suck and the universe hates me.

    no real need for the point to be supremely rubbed in.

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